Shawnie's POV
"You're pregnant?" Dr. Washington asks
I don't say anything, I just nod my head up and down.
"Oh my gosh, okay." She was silent for a minute, "You guys...." She stops and shakes his head, "You two are dangerous...." she smiles, and closes her notebook and sits it on the table. "I'm going to take my therapist hat off, and we're going to have a little chat, woman to woman."
I instantly get nervous, "Okay."
She gets up and walks to the sofa I'm sitting on and takes a seat next to me, "First of all, if you're pregnant you have to tell him."
"I'm scared to." I say
"Why? He doesn't want kids?"
"No, it's not that. He actually does want kids. I just don't know if I want kids. When I first started seeing you, you put me on the anxiety medication, and that interacts with my birth control, therefore I had to stop taking it. When Chris and I started talking again, three months later, I had completely forgotten about that and we had sex that night. I don't necessarily think that that night was the night that got me pregnant, but I haven't had a period since then, but I also don't know how far along I am. I took a few tests and they all came out negative, so I thought I was in the clear but one day, which was a few days ago, I took a test and it came out positive. So I took another one, and that one came out positive as well."
"Okay, now you need to tell him, and make a doctors appointment."
"There's more to the story." I say
"Go on."
"Um—I'm really nervous about sharing this because there's only one other person who knows about this. So if you could just....go put your little therapist hat back on, and be my therapist, that would be great. I would feel a whole lot better because I know you can't share this information..."
"Oh yeah. Okay." She gets up, and walks back to her chair, "Continue."
"Soo...." I take a deep breath and let it out, "Aubrey got me pregnant."
I look at her to see if she has an expression on her face, or if it changes but it doesn't. She didn't show any emotion.
"Are you pregnant by him now?" She asks
"No, no...I'm not pregnant by him now. The baby is definitely Chris' baby."
"When did this happen?" She asks
"I got pregnant the first time Aubrey and I had sex. I hate myself for even going through with it because that day I was so pissed off at Chris, but I was also in so much pain, we both were. He just came home from tour, and I was avoiding him and I had blocked his number, so as soon as he came home, he came to my office, and we had a big blowup. I don't remember everything that was said, but I remember him saying something that I guess I just didn't wanna hear. I was so hurt and I felt like he didn't understand why I was hurting so much. I saw him hurting as well, but I wanted him to hurt more, because of what he did to me. After I told him to get out of my office, I texted Aubrey that we could have sex, and that night we did."
"So you did it out of anger?"
"Yes." I begin to tear up. "I regretted it as soon as it was over. We didn't use a condom, I don't know why. I'm so fucking stupid, and I wasn't in my right mind. He asked me if I wanted him to pull out, I told him yes, and he did. Maybe it wasn't fast enough, I don't know. I felt horrible afterwards and I tried to tell him that I didn't want anything to do with him, but if you know Aubrey how I know him, Aubrey is very persuasive and he manipulated me into thinking that we would only be friends and he would help me through my break up."
"So he lied?"
"Honestly, I don't necessarily think he lied about everything. I think he really did want to help me, but I think he just wanted to help me so he could have me fully, and I'll be over Chris. I mean, you and I have kind of talked about this, and I do realize now that he only wanted me because I was with Chris, but after a while, he started to have feelings for me, and I won't lie, I started to have feelings for him as well. That was probably about a month after we had sex. A little after that, I started having dizzy spells, started feeling nauseous throughout the day, and I thought it was because I was so stressed out. So I ended up going to the doctor, and with just a simple urine test, I was told that I was pregnant."
"What did you do?" She asks
"I didn't wanna say anything at first because I was so disappointed in myself, but I told him anyway. He asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him I didn't want to have a baby right now."
"And what did he say?"
"He told me whatever I wanted to do, he would fully support me. So, while on a business trip to Canada, Aubrey took care of everything and we had it privately done in Canada." I start to tear up again.
"And how was your relationship with him after?"
"Our relationship was good. I was trying to be a little bit more open with him, because we had just done something that I felt only we could understand, but I hated that I did it. I hated myself for getting pregnant. I hated that I killed my baby, I just couldn't deal with myself after that. I started to really doubt myself, that's what brought on my little breakdown. I was in my own head, I felt worthless because I killed my baby. I didn't know how to face Chris, or anyone for that matter. I just had so much going on in my head and life just became to be too much." I explain
"But wait, you were still seeing Chris. It could've been his baby." She says
"I know that, but I didn't know and I didn't want to chance it. I felt so horrible about what I did."
"Did you ever tell Chris about it?"
I start to cry, "No. I am terrified to tell him."
"Why?"
"I don't know what he'll do. I want to tell him because I hate having to keep this from him but I'm so scared to tell him." I explain
"Shawnie, are you scared of Chris?"
I slowly nod my head, and begin to cry harder. "I don't want him to get upset with me. I feel like that'll break us up. Not only did I have sex with him, but I got pregnant. Chris isn't going to forgive me for that."
"But you have to tell him you're pregnant....Based off of your body language, some of the things that you're telling me, and things that I've seen, I have to ask, is he abusive towards you?"
"No." I answer quickly. If I say anything to anyone, Chris would lose everything, and I will NOT be responsible for that.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I have to ask. But just sit him down and talk to him. I think he'll understand."
"Chris is going to be upset, but if I tell him I'm pregnant, I think he might calm down."
"Do you think you can get up enough courage to talk to him about everything?" She asks
"I have to, I can't keep this up. I feel like I'm lying to him, and I hate that feeling."
"Before you talk to him, take a minute to get your thoughts together, breathe, and be calm. I know sometimes you have a hard time expressing yourself, or finding the words, so just make sure you think about what you're going to say before you say it and just calm your breathing and you'll be fine."
"I just get so much anxiety when I talk to him sometimes because I just don't know what he's going to do. Chris just gets so angry, and it seems like he's a lot angrier this time around. I don't know what to do and I panic." I say
"Just do the things that I taught you, and you'll be fine. If you need me, you know you can call me at any time." She says and I honestly feel a little better.
"Thank you. I'm gonna go home and tell him right now." I stand up, "I'll see you in a week."
"Please, call me if you need anything."
I leave and go straight home. I have to try to do this while I have the balls to do so. It's honestly killing me that I can't bring myself to tell Chris about what happened between Aubrey and I, and the reason why I have to tell him that before I tell him I'm pregnant is because since I've had an abortion there is always going to be a possibility that I can miscarry because of the procedure. I hope that everything is going to be okay and I'll be able to carry to term but what's fucking with my head is the possibility that I can miscarry.
I pulled into the garage, and I sat in the car to get my thoughts, and feelings in check. When I have this conversation with Chris, I have to be very open and honest and tell him every detail and if he has a question, I have to answer it as honestly as possible. This is the only way that we can move past this because honestly, this shit might break him and I don't see this going well.
I was in the car for about 30 minutes, then I got out and headed inside. I came in through the garage door and as I was walking down the semi long hallway, I started to feel nausea, and I was sweating like crazy. My hands were trembling and I was getting more and more nervous, the closer I got to the living room.
I slowly walked into the living room, and I called out for Chris.
"What's up baby?" He says from behind me, walking out of the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal.
"Babe, can you please come here and sit down, I have to talk to you." I say nervously.
"What's wrong?" A concerned look grows on his face.
"Can you please sit down."
He walks over and sits in the chair, "What's going on?" He asks, still eating.
I don't move from the spot where I'm standing. I'm probably about a good 10 to 15 feet away from him and I am going to maintain this distance while I tell him. My lips start to tremble, and it gets harder to talk, but I manage to start talking.
"I'm um...." I stop.
"What?" He looks at me, we make eye contact, and I brush my hands over my face and over my hair, pushing my hair back.
"Baby, you're shaking, what's wrong?" He asks
"Just listen, I'm sorry—but I don't know any other way to say this...and I don't know how to say this. So, I need to just come out and say it."
"Okay." He says, still with a concerned look in his face.
"I've basically told you everything about my relationship with Aubrey..."
He cuts me off, "Oh hell now. Don't tell me this has to do with him." He sighs, then rolls his eyes, "What about him?" He relaxes, beginning to eat his cereal.
I pause for about a minute, trying to find the words to say to Chris. I don't know how the hell I can just come out and say this.
"Um..." I'll take a deep breath, then I let it out, "I got pregnant after Aubrey and I had sex."
He choked on his cereal for a second when he heard those words come out of my mouth. After he came down off of his coughing fit, he looked at me.
"What the fuck did you just say to me?"
I lock eyes with him and I saw it. I watched as Chris left and he became someone else, and I panic. "It was a mistake. I was so pissed off—I made the stupid decision—I just—I didn't know—......."
He throws his bowl of cereal at me. It hits me in the chest and falls to my feet. Milk was all over me. I was frozen.
"I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT A FUCKING MISTAKE!!" He yells. "You better be fucking with me."
I don't say anything, I couldn't. I pictured this going a little better than this. Like, him not getting so angry at me, to the point where I'm scared. I hate this part of Chris, I hate it so much.
"SAY SOMETHING!" He yells, scaring the shit out of me. I couldn't talk. He stands up and walks over to me. I couldn't move. "YOU BETTER START TALKING!"
"Babe..." I manage to force out, but nothing else left my mouth as I begin to cry. He gets to me and grabs me by my throat. He never broke eye contact with me as he squeezed my throat, and backed me up against the wall.
"You have two seconds to tell me you're fucking with me." He looks at me intensely, as he waits for me to say something.
Chris wasn't there. I realized there's no hope. I just begin to cry harder. This is about to go horribly wrong.
"TALK!" He yells, turning red at the same time.
"I don't know what happened......"
"Okay..." I picks me up off of the wall and slams me back down against it. "You better say something...."
"Let me go Chris!" Now I'm really starting to panic. I grab and claw at his hand, trying to breath. He's chocking the shit out of me.
"OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!" He yells, letting go of me.
"Chris?" I rub my neck, trying to calm down. I couldn't stop crying. I can't believe he did this to me. He just looks at me.
"I said start talking...." He says with a serious face. He's showing no remorse. I just stare at him for a minute, searching his face, trying to read him.
"I fucked up baby." I say breaking down all over again. "I shouldn't have done it. It never should've happened—."
"When did this happen?" He says calmly, which scares me more. I could tell he was trying to get his thoughts together, but he was really having a hard time. He wanted to go off, but he was holding back.
I look at him, and I see Chris again. I feel somewhat comfortable but I'm still nervous as hell.
"I found out I was pregnant—."
"I fucked you, multiple times. Did you find out you were pregnant after we fucked?" He ask
I look down at the ground, but I nod my head up and down. I can't look at him right now.
"So what did you do, get an abortion?" He asks
I nod my head again.
"AFTER WE FUCKED? WAS THAT MY BABY?" He yells
I look up at him again to see his face, and there's no sign of Chris.
"Baby, I don't know." I cry harder.
"So you fuck him raw, get pregnant, get an abortion, and I'm just now finding out about this?" He says calmly again.
"Baby I wanted to tell you, I just couldn't. I was scared to—."
"YOU COULDN'T TELL ME?" He yells, but then he stops. He just stares at me. I couldn't look him in the eyes, but I know he was searching mine. He just stood there. He puts his hands on his hips, and starts to walk away, but he stops and looks at me again. "MAN... FUCK YOU!"
"Baby, I know you're upset, but let's not overreact. Maybe I should leave for a while and come back later, or tomorrow, so we can have time to think this through."
He's so upset and I don't want this to escalate. I think the best thing to do would be for us to have our space right now and we can talk about this later.
I slowly turn to start to try to walk upstairs, but he yells again, stopping me in my tracks.
"NAH! FUCK THAT. YOU AINT GOING NOWHERE!!!" He yells.
"Okay." I instantly stop walking and go back to my place on the wall. I don't know what to do. I don't want to set him off more than he already is. I'm scared, no I'm terrified right now and what Dr. Washington taught me isn't translating over very well.
He walks up to me, "Did you like it?"
"What?" I say confused.
"Did you like him cumming inside of you?"
"What? Chris—."
"ANSWER ME!" He yells in my face.
"No. I told him to pull out..."
He cuts me off, "Did you cum?"
"Baby, I'm not about to answer that—."
He cuts me off again, "Did you cum? You better not lie."
I close my eyes, "Yes."
"Did you like it."
"No—."
"You liked it. You liked his DICK so much, you came. Didn't you?" He asks and I can see he's getting angrier by the second.
"Baby—."
"NAH, FUCK YOU!! YOU GOT PREGNANT, YOU LIKED IT SO MUCH! YOU AIN'T MY GIRL, YOU JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER BITCH I FUCKED WITH. YOU'RE DOING THE SAME SHIT."
"Babe—."
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!!" He yells, voice cracking and all.
I don't say anything else. It might be best if I don't say anything. Talking just seems to piss him off more. I'm freaking out, I don't know what to do. He was looking at me like he wanted to kill me, but I don't think he'll escalate this because I can see that he's fighting with himself about how to handle this.
"Chris....?"
"Fuck you!" He says, and it sounds so disrespectful.
I just close my mouth. He clearly doesn't wanna hear anything else I have to say. Maybe I should just let him process.
I stand there in silence for a few minutes. He didn't move from in front of me, He just stood there. Was this good? Was he taking in this information and thinking things through? I don't know because he won't speak. I guess this is just more time for him to calm down.
"I'll be right back. If you move, there's going to be consequences." He says
"Okay." I stand in that one spot for about 15 minutes, until he comes back. I don't know what he was doing, but he came back with a blunt in his hand.
"Babe, can we talk?" I ask. Maybe now he's a little bit more calm and open to having a discussion.
"You let that nigga nut inside of you, and you got pregnant." He says calmly, taking a hit of his blunt. "You let months, and months go by, without saying anything. I FUCKED you so many times while you was with him, and you STILL didn't say anything.....We talk. You could've told me....."
I sigh, because I know I am so wrong in this situation, and there is no way I can get out of it. I should've told Chris everything from the beginning, but I was just so scared.
"I know babe, I was wrong. I definitely should've told you, but I just didn't know how, I was scared to. It was so hard trying to keep this from you. I hated it."
"But he knew. Right?" He waits for my response, but I don't say anything. "HUH? HE KNEW RIGHT?" He yells in my face.
I nod my head, "Yes. But I had to tell him....."
Chris was getting pissed again, I could see his eyes turning, and it didn't help that he was more under the influence of something. I don't know if that's laced with that fentanyl again or what, but he's too calm right now.
"You had to tell him." He repeats, smiling, but he's clearly angry.
He acts as if he's about to walk away from me, but he turns back around and literally slaps me down to the ground. I catch myself and I fall on my hands and knees.
I just stay like that for a few seconds staring at the ground. Did he really just hit me?
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