Since arriving home yesterday evening, I could only describe Zak as being on edge, concerned I asked him multiple times if everything was okay, but I got the same answer, that he was tired but other than that, everything was fine.
Us women, we are very observational and men can be so transparent, yes some men can hide secrets, but usually I am able to.. 'debunk' what is wrong with Zak. Right now, I couldn't. So caught up in trying to make sure I was there to support him, I forgot about the washing, until I was taking my medication, which then alerted me to the letter I had stuffed into my bag... The bag Zak had taken.
"Shit!" I hiss, tossing my medication down and racing through the lounge and into the kitchen, only to be greeted by a grim looking Zak holding the letter in his hand.
"What is this?" He asks, his mood now taken a drastic turn. I could see the tense jaw, the clenched hand at his side and stiff body.
What was it? It was my biggest fear coming true, but rather than tell him that, I went on the defence, and snatched the letter from his hand. "It's my business. I'd be grateful if you didn't snoop through my bag."
I know what you're thinking, but right now, having a conversation about my future surgery, isn't something I want to deal with, speak or hear about. Out of sight, out of mind. Sticking my head in the sand, whatever metaphor you want to use. I didn't want to talk about it.
"Snooping? Snooping?" He repeats himself. I know he's winding himself up for a big one, and with the lockdown hangover present as well as everything else, I wasn't sure how he was going to handle this.
"Snooping? I was emptying our freakin' bags! I was doing the washing!" He snaps. "What the fuck Elle?! Why didn't you tell me about this?!"
"Because there is nothing to tell."
"I've just read the letter myself! Surgery?! Since when?!"
I sigh "I don't want to talk about it right now, just leave it. There's nothing to discuss—."
"The fuck there isn't! This is brain surgery! Not a haircut!"
"It doesn't concern you!" I complain, walking away and shoving the letter as far into my jean pocket as it could go.
"Are you crazy?!" He yells coming after me. "Of course it concerns me! Who else is going to look after you?! What was the plan? Spring it on me over breakfast one morning?"
"Of course not!" I snap getting angry. "I was going to tell you when I was ready and—."
"So the morning of the fucking surgery! How the fuck am I suppose to look after you, prepare for you, for anything if you don't tell me!"
"Okay, first of all. Stop shouting. I am not having a shouting match with you!"
"I have to shout because you don't fucking listen! This is important! How long have you know?!"
"What?" I ask rubbing my forehead in stress.
"I said how long have you know about this?!"
There's two ways I can go about this, lie or tell him the truth. There's a huge part of me that what's to lie right now, tell him that I've just found out about it. But the letter he just read was basically the start of what could be a long road to surgery. Lying about it will be fruitless, he, of course will know..
"A while."
His eyebrows almost shoot off his face, his eyes glimmer dangerously and I find myself putting the couches between us, almost for protection. I'm ashamed to even think of what he could do, Zak has shown me nothing but love and patience..
"Do you know how many opportunities you have had to tell me about this?!" He seethes.
"Look, I don't get why you are so mad. It's me having it done, not—." Wrong thing to say..
"OH REALLY?! I'M GLAD YOU REALISED THAT IT'S GOING TO BE YOU ON THE HOSPITAL FUCKING TABLE AND NOT SOMEONE ELSE! PERHAPS YOU HAVEN'T CONSIDERED THAT I AM TERRIFIED OF OPERATIONS, THAT WHILST SOMEONE IS SHOVING YOUR FUCKING BRAIN ABOUT, YOU COULD DIE!!!"
"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!! THAT IT'S ALL I WORRY ABOUT?!"
"NO BECAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME, SPOKE TO ME, CONFIDED IN ME! INSTEAD YOU GO ABOUT THINGS LIKE IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL! BRAIN SURGERY IS NOT NORMAL!"
"I KNOW!!!" I scream back at him.
He opens his mouth, most likely to shout back, seeing as this is the new way we communicated, when his phone bleeps, stopping him in his track. He then pulls it from his pocket and looks at the screen, completely halting the conversation or screaming match we are having.
"You know what, you're a really big fucking hypocrite!" I thrust a finger at him. "Maybe, just fucking maybe I would have confided in you, if your head wasn't stuck in that phone constantly! If you have another woman, then go! Fuck her, but let me know so I can get all, my fucking Shit together and leave!" Snatching my bag up, I grab my phone.
"Where do you think you're going?" He asks as I grab my car keys.
"Out. Work, shopping, anywhere but here!"
"No, we are going to talk about this! You think I have another woman?!" He asks accusingly.
I'm walking down put the front door at this point. "Well don't you? That phone gets more attention than me. Who is it? You constantly hide it from me. Once upon time we had trust—."
"Until you started lying about your condition." He scoffs.
"Until you started guarding that stupid phone. If you have someone else. Bring her around, she can watch what draw space she has whilst I clear mine out!" I shout at him, opening the car door and getting in.
His face twists in anger, and he stalks over, stopping me from closing the door. His face comes close to mine as he snarls "How the fuck am I suppose to have time for someone else when I have to constantly take care of you."
I glare at him "Sounds like resentment.. Say the fucking words Zak, go on."
"I am not doing this outside."
"Why not? Go on, tell me there's another woman and I'll be happy to come back indoors and pack my stuff, better yet, you do it for me. I'll be back later." I start the car up and shove it into reverse, making Zak move back giving me chance to slam the car door shut.
"Elle!" He growls through gritted teeth.
Maybe it's the energy in the air, or the sound of resentment in Zak's voice, which makes me undo the window and pull of my seizure bracelet.
"Seeing as I'm a big fucking problem for you, you don't need to track me!" I shout, throwing it at him.
He catches it and looks at it, before realisation dawns and he comes towards the car as I swing it around. "Elle! ELLE!"
I tear off driving, tears filling my eyes as I race off the community, needing and wanting to put distance between myself and Zak. This was the first big argument but it feels like our last from the pain I'm currently feeling.
Fuck today, the phone, the lockdown hangover and my stupid condition. Fuck it all!!!
**********
"I didn't expect you." Henry says perching on the edge of my desk. Yes, out of the whole of a Vegas, I came to work, to hide.
I give him a small smile "I still have a desk though."
Seeing my face, he turns off my screen instantly "My office. Now."
He marches away, leaving me to get up slowly and follow after him, I keep my eyes down, not wanting to make contact with anyone. The last thing I needed was questions and sympathetic looks.
Entering into the office, I find him sat at the meeting table instead of his desk. "I don't want to think this is formal. Come sit." He says patting the seat near him. I give him a grateful smile and walk over taking the seat. "What's happened?"
I shake my head as I feel the same tears brewing up "It was nothing, just a stupid fight between myself and Zak."
He nods "Makes sense as to why he is ringing to find you..."
"He's rung?"
"Of course he has, he is concerned. You took the seizure band off." Henry frowns.
"It was a childish move, but I was so mad... What did he say?"
"Nothing because I didn't realise you were here, I told him I hadn't seen you. I came to double check and well, here you are."
"You don't mind... Do you?" I ask.
"You using this as an escape? Elle, you do what you need to, but maybe let me tell Zak you're here. He's going out of his mind."
I scoff. "Probably working out how long he has got with his floozy more like."
"You think he is cheating?"
"Oh I don't know. He is obsessed with his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even in the shower. It's the only reason a man would be."
Henry frowns before running a hand over his stubble. "It's a little odd, but have you spoke to him about it before today?"
"No.."
"Maybe you need to. Jumping to conclusions only hurt yourself.."
I look at Henry. "Is this the moment you tell me to go home? Because I'm not leaving yet."
He lifts his hands up in surrender "You do what you need. But I will let Zak know you're here. Okay?"
"You do what you need too. Thank you Henry for listening." I tell him rising to my feet. I'm about to leave the office "Hey, does Sophie still come in?"
"Yeah, every other day, she's in today I think."
"Cool.." I answer, looking at the wood of the door. "Have you heard anything from Mia?"
"Not a dime."
I'm about to speak again when the door opens and a woman bounds into the room excitedly "Babe I got- who are you?" She pauses seeing me.
"Elle. Colleague. You?"
"Penny, short for Penelope but please don't call me that." She laughs, holding out her hand. "It's nice to meet you."
"Likewise. You're Henry's..?"
"Girlfriend? Partner? His woman?" Penny guesses before looking at Henry, who is absolutely in awe of her.
I have to admit, she's a gorgeous woman with red flowing hair and a cute sundress with sandals. Her bright blue eyes sparkle and the smile is almost ear to ear.
"You're my lady. My moon."
"And stars." She giggles back, spinning into his side and giving him a peck.
God they are so in love..
I smile and look at Henry who has just remember that I'm here "I'm really happy for you." I tell him watching relief set into his shoulders. He deserved to be happy, Mia had left a mark on him, but now, now he had a woman who idolised him as much as he did her.
It wasn't a relationship of convenience.
As I'm leaving the office, I hear Penny "She is really pretty. I like her."
Yeah, I like her too.
When Sophie arrives, I feel a bit of happiness lift my soul, but it's soon squashed when I get the frosty reception. My attempts at making conversation fall flat every time as she answers with one or two words.
"Have I done something?" I ask making her fingers pause on the keyboard.
"Why would you think that?"
"Because you're not happy with me." I tell her.
Sophie looks at me in wonder, before something clicks into place. "Sorry, it's just been a long night. I didn't get much sleep."
"Oh yeah?" I grin.
"Not like that. God I wish that was a problem.. I had a friend over, they are going through some stuff. Needed a sympathetic ear to listen or possibly bend. Sorry Elle, I didn't mean to be off."
I wave it off. "No worries. But you can make it up to me by having lunch with me today."
"You're staying? Here like at work?"
I nod. "Yeah."
"Okay. What has happened?" She asks making me shake my head.
"Lunch."
She knows what I mean instantly and nods "Lunch."
**
"When you have the operation, you can move in with me, I will be the nurse." Sophie says after I confide in her about this morning during lunch.
I've spent most of the morning concentrating on work and rethinking everything what happened. I was now thinking that I overreacted and was in the wrong, despite Zak shouting the house down like he did.
"I can't ask that." I frown.
"You didn't. I offered. You are going to accept and then Zak can go away and do whatever it is he does. You don't need the stress."
"But I should have told him."
"Definitely but in your own time. I can only imagine how you must feel, without Zak adding on pressure. With everything you have told me, you never mentioned not telling him, which means you would have."
"Of course."
"Then you have nothing to feel guilty about. If this op is going to help you, have it done, no matter how scary. The benefits are worth it."
I nod my head "I know.."
"Now." She says. "What are we going to do about Zak?"
That was another situation and one I didn't know how to deal with. He was mad at me for not telling him sooner, I was mad at him for constantly being attached to his phone. I understand he is a busy man, what with the museum, the show and other little projects he has lined up. It knew what I was signing up for when we became an item and I moved in with him. I understood the complications of his line of work and also the darkness that would follow us home from either a lockdown or the museum. I knew it all..
Zak was consistently busy, but something had changed, maybe this was the new normal? But a part of me hoped that it wasn't as right now, we were on the outs as people call it.
"This is your first argument, isn't it?" Sophie guesses.
I nod "Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I've lost him, Soph.."
She sighs quietly. "It's because you love him so much. Elle I've never, ever seen you so invested in someone. Maybe... And I'm not defending him here, but maybe he is scared to lose you. I know you are having the operation, but he's pretty much helpless in all this."
"So am I.." I mumble.
"I know that too. Zak has a good heart, even if his actions aren't honourable." I look at Sophie with a slight frown, wondering if we are still talking about this, when she adds "You always knew surgery was an option. Maybe he is just trying to come to terms with it, and that's why he acted out."
"Oh I don't know..."
"Exactly. So stop hiding at work, get home and speak with him. Put both of yourselves out of this misery. Talk, communicate." Sophie says, just short of reaching over the table and shaking sense into me.
She's right, hiding solves nothing.
"Hey, have you heard from Mia lately?"
Sophie almost gives herself whiplash from how fast she reacts to that question, "No, why?"
"Nobody has heard or seen from her.. Just want to make sure she is safe."
Sophie hums into her coffee, but doesn't offer up anything more.
******
When I return home, I feel the sense of dread piling into my stomach. Both of us saying things we would regret, or at least I regretted. When I reached the front door, I was a little relieved to see that there was no bags for me..
Letting myself in, I stand at the door, waiting for him to appear and demand that I leave. Neither happens, in fact the silence of his home unnerves me and I slowly go in search for him.
That's when I find the note, in his handwriting, the words scrawled across the page in either upset or anger.
- Staying with my mom for a few days. I think we need space.
I feel physically wounded. As if someone has just thrown a spear through my chest. A small gasp leaving my lips.
My seizure band is sat on the note, waiting for me to put it back on, and I do. Instantly, regretting the stupid decision to take it off and throw it at him. My childish antics lead us here, apart. Alone.
I look at the touch band, now wishing he would send a tap.
Space.. He wants space but how much? How long is a few days? Three? Four? Longer?
My fingers crunch the letter as I feel my emotions boiling up and over.
I prayed my bags wouldn't be packed. But I never imagined Zak would pack his...