Me: Does he snore? Leave the soapdish watery? Drinks straight from the juice or milk carton? Slurp his soup noisily? Track wet footprints after leaving the bathroom? Won't put dirty clothes in the laundry hamper? Does he take too long to primp up? Nags at you to exercise? Too strong for no apparent reason? Hates salty or sweet snacks? Reduce you to two soda can per week? I mean come on! There must be something you hate about him!
ZhiMing: (knowingly stare at me) How many times a day do you fantasize about killing Wang Qing for tracking wet footprints after he showers?
Me: That is not the point.
ZhiMing: A million times?
Me: Give or take.
ZhiMing: (laughing) Oh my God, I would love to set up a camera in your condo to observe how you two survive living together. I bet the most fun part is not the sex.
Me: (sighing) We are not the point here. We are discussing you and your French beau. Now, focus please. There must be something you hate about him. Think!
ZhiMing: He likes nibbling my toes during sex. He does this thing where he was fucking me and then he will nibble on my toe and lick the spaces between them.
Me: He sounds dreamy. I like it when Qing does that to me.
ZhiMing: That's the point, I like it too when my French guy does it. I like it too much I climax quickly, I want to take my time cumming.
Me: (headache coming) Next. Give me the next one.
ZhiMing: (thinking) Oh, he always has candy at hand. Those sweet caramel ones and the minty with the chocolate center one.
Me: (rolling my eyes) I hope he shares them to others.
ZhiMing: He does. And that's another thing, he is friendly. He smiles at everyone. He is way too nice.
Me: Oh, that must be killing your cynical soul. To be seen with someone who knows how to smile and be nice to others.
ZhiMing: I don't care if he is nice but can't he be more oblivious? Some are flirting with him already yet he just continued to be nice to them.
Me: As oppose to what? Him shoving a hand on their faces so they will stop flirting with him?
ZhiMing: He should try that. Some people deserves to be shove by a hand on their face.
Me: You shouldn't be let out among polite people in this society. You are rabid.
ZhiMing: I am normal. The too nice ones, like you, are the reason why we normal ones are stressed.
Me: I won't argue with you about this. Being polite and nice are not a crime. Next.
ZhiMing: Miss Daisy likes him a lot. She purrs when he is cuddling her.
Me: Being jealous because of a cat is just way too low. And when was the last time you dated someone that Miss Daisy likes?
ZhiMing: Anyways, sometimes he loves to tickle me.
Me: You are deliberately changing the subject.
ZhiMing: Like he will come up behind me and then just tickle me so much. I hate it.
Me: It's like we are having two different conversations.
ZhiMing: (thoughtful) He is good at tickling my balls, though.
Me: I hate you.
ZhiMing: He lied to me and said he has a mild allergy to condoms.
Me: Okay. Interesting. Did he said that to force you to go without condom with him? Jerk! Doesn't he know that it's imperative that you use protection when having casual sex?
ZhiMing: He lied because his allergy is not mild. It's quite severe. I caught him taking two anti-histamine tablet after sex with me during our early encounters. But we need condoms he said, if we will have sex.
Me: Oh.
ZhiMing: We ditched it some seven months ago.
Me: Okay.
ZhiMing: Is it normal to still rampantly desire someone after being with them for almost a year?
Me: Yes. Qing and I...well...you know...
ZhiMing: No. I don't know. Contrary to what you think, I don't assume about my friends' sex life. I tease about wanting to watch you and Qing go for it but I don't assume you two are quite ravenous for each other still.
Me: Oh we are quite that. Ravenous. For each other.
ZhiMing: Oh well good for you.
Me: You are like that? To him?
ZhiMing: Yes.
Me: Okay. Next.
ZhiMing: (sighing) How long have we been doing this?
Me: (checking the clock) Five straight hours now. So far (checking my list) we still have nothing to show as a reason why French beau cannot stay with you here. You do weekends stay together and you said you look forward to spending time with him.
ZhiMing: (sounding desperate) Give me something, Dayu.
Me: (sighing) Okay. Does he feed Miss Daisy too much?
ZhiMing: (perking up) Aha! He does that.
Me: Does your cat hates it?
ZhiMing: (deflating) No. Miss Daisy likes her treat coming from him. Bad Miss Daisy. He took her to vet too. She doesn't fuss much when she is with him. The vet said Mr.French Guy has a calming aura with him. I think I need to look for another vet for my cat, the one I have now is already halfway in love with my sex buddy.
Me: Oh my God.
ZhiMing: Give me another one.
Me: Okay, does he demand meeting your family?
ZhiMing: No.
Me: Does he asked for you to introduce him to your friends?
ZhiMing: (frowning) No.
Me: Does he force you to talk about deep thoughts and feelings?
ZhiMing: No.
Me: Does he demand anything from you?
ZhiMing: (face hardening) No.
Me: Is that good? That he is not demanding anything from you?
ZhiMing: I don't know.
Me: When will you know?
ZhiMing: (scowling at me) I don't know!
Me: Why are you getting angry?
ZhiMing: I don't know!
Me: What is it that you want anyway? Tell me. The truth this time. What is wrong?
ZhiMing: (shoulders slumping) He hasn't opened up about taking our thing further. He hasn't asked me yet to be his official boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for almost nine months now. That's a relationship, right?
Me: (nodding) Absolutely. Unless you two have an agreement never to take this sleeping together any further than the bedroom.
ZhiMing: (problematic) Why won't he ask to be with me for real? Why won't he demand anything from me?
Me: Okay, let me tell you something about a rule Qing and I made when we started living together. Qing and I agreed that we won't demand something from the other person that we know ourselves cannot do if the ball is on the other side of the court. Especially time. We are both busy with work so Qing and I agreed not to demand time from one another when we are too busy. Maybe he is being considerate that's why he is not demanding anything from you.
ZhiMing: I see.
Me: But on the flip side, maybe he is not demanding anything because he is also not willing to give anything if in case you started demanding things from him. His defense will be that he doesn't demand anything from you, why are you demanding things from him?
ZhiMing: Oh shit.
Me: Oh shit indeed. So which is which? Is he considerate of you or is he being cunning?
ZhiMing: I don't know.
Me: When will you know?
ZhiMing: (frowning at me) I don't know!
Me: This feels like deja vu.
ZhiMing: Oh what should I do?
Me: That rhymes.
ZhiMing: Dayu ah!
Me: Ask him.
ZhiMing: What?
Me: (sighing) Last month, I whined to Qing about his mother. Mama seems to forget to invite me for her Spring shopping. I thought she does it deliberately, exclude me, because she is still mad about the hiding of the engagement whatever that Qing and I did. It turns out, Mama was quite busy and she postpones her usually scheduled shopping errand. How did I learn about it? I called and asked her to shop with me. I called her about shopping.
ZhiMing: What?
Me: Why are you waiting for him to open up things about your relationship? You should do it. Make the first move. Like what I did. I didn't wait for Mama to invite me to shop with her, like we always does, I called her this time. And I, unexpectedly, handed her a wonderful surprise. Maybe you should do that too. Surprise him.
ZhiMing: And if he said that he doesn't want to go steady with me?
Me: Then he is stupid. Ditch him and stop wasting your time with assholes like him.
ZhiMing: (sighing) I don't know, Dayu ah. I am not used to asking. I'm used to being asked. You know...courted.
I don't doubt that. ZhiMing is such a prize. Superficially and genuinely. ZhiMing has the right status to be courted: refined, handsome, well educated, well accomplished and rich. Anyone who'll be seen with him will enjoy an elevated status in polite elite society.
But that's not everything ZhiMing can offer. He is smart, talking to him is always enjoyable. He is witty, sassy and loves his cat so much. ZhiMing is generous and kind as well. He advocates some crucial social issues and he believes in climate change. What more can one ask?
ZhiMing: Plus I am good in bed.
Me: Yes. Lets not forget that. You are a prize, my friend. If French beau won't see that, then he doesn't deserve you. But to know if he does, you have to open your heart to him first. I hope you understand that.
ZhiMing: I understand. I hate being vulnerable, though.
Me: Love will force us to be vulnerable.
ZhiMing: (flinching) Do you think I love this guy?
Me: I don't know. But it sure looks like you care about him.
ZhiMing: I do. I do care about him. He is nice and funny. He can cook and he is decent. He respects me and he is fond of Miss Daisy. I don't know...
Me: Just try. There is no harm in trying. If it's not meant to be, then at least you can stop wasting your precious time and devote is it to finding the one who fits you right. Don't shortchange yourself. You need to know and be secured if he has feelings for you.
ZhiMing thought about it for a moment before he nodded.
ZhiMing: I will ask him.
Me: Okay.
ZhiMing: But in case it didn't work, can you pass me the list of his ugly habits. I will read them everyday and be thankful that I dodged that bullet.
Me: I will.
ZhiMing: Thanks. And thank you for doing this with me.
Me: (shrugging) That's why I am here for. To be your friend.
ZhiMing: Okay.
And after that, ZhiMing and I finally started our weekend together. We had fun. We talked, lounge around and cook together. We watched a movie, a documentary and argued about the characters in them. We drank wine while sitting at his balcony and looking at the sunset. I get to play with Miss Daisy. She is nicer than Carlos, the Goddess' cat.
Sunday night, I came home quite late but happy that I helped a friend. Qing welcomed me and that memorable weekend came to an end.
Yesterday, ZhiMing called me to give me an update.
ZhiMing: He said the "L" word, Dayu.
Me: Oh my...what did you do?
ZhiMing: I said it back.
Me: Is that genuine on both sides?
ZhiMing: Yes. I think so.
Me: Is that good? How are you feeling?
ZhiMing: Warm and fuzzy. What should I do?
Me: (controlling my laughter) I don't know. Forward, I guess. You have a boyfriend now.
ZhiMing: I guess I do.
Me: Goodluck with him. Want to have some dinner sometimes? The four of us.
ZhiMing: Yeah. Sure. Oh, I have to go, we are having brunch with some investors today.
Me: Okay. Keep me updated.
When that call ended I turned to Qing.
Me: I did good.
Qing: Did you?
Me: Yup. ZhiMing has a boyfriend now. You will not scare the guy. Tell the others not to give ZhiMing a hard time.
Qing: We are his friends, we care for him.
Me: If you care, you will give this guy a chance to make your friend happy.
Qing: Fine. How is ZhiMing?
Me: Feeling warm and fuzzy. He is in love after all.
Qing: (stunned) He must be confuse right now. ZhiMing doesn't do warm and fuzzy.
Me: Well he is now.
Qing: What about you? Do you feel warm and fuzzy too?
Me: (thinking) No. I feel horny.
Qing: (bright smile) Excellent. Me too! Lets go.
I laughed as Qing took my hand and pull me to the direction of our room. Good thing we had a hearty breakfast. We are about to burn them all in bed.