Nate: see you Friday x
Me: see you Friday too xx
A kiss. A simple 'x' that is one line crossed with another. It's used in lots of words. Can be used to identify as something being 'wrong'. All the different ways you can us it, yet the reason he's used it is different.
If I put a kiss on the end of a text it's to be nice. Friendly. Only this wasn't to be friendly. It's his way of showing his feelings. That he likes me. Likes me in a more intimate way than a friend, and now we were going on a date.
A date that meant potential actual kisses. His mouth on mine. Not a line crossed with a line. An actual, real life, kiss.
I was supposed to be panicking, and I sounded like I was. Maybe I was a little. But I was more excited. Deep down I couldn't wait to kiss him. I couldn't wait to roam my hands all over him.
I swallowed as I daydreamed over Nate. Realisation hit that me that I wasn't the same woman a few years back that had the freedom to like a man, and pursue him.
My stomach sunk at the thought of actually trying to be intimate again, and attempting to confide in somebody, or trust them. Could I tell Nate everything about me and Robert? Could I trust that he wouldn't hurt me like Robert did?
Hope was also an important consideration in this. Her happiness meant everything to me, therefore I needed to keep her safe. What if she couldn't feel safe around Nate? What about getting her to understand that Nate isn't her daddy?
Jesus Daisy you're only going on a date.
Maybe that was true, but part of me wants this to work out. I want him to be perfect, caring, protective, and someone I can trust. Someone Hope can trust, and feel safe with too. She definitely will not remember what her daddy used to do to me, but that doesn't mean that hearing my cries, screams, and Roberts aggressive voice when he was angry, didn't disturb her. At a young age, children are sensitive to noise, and they learn a lot from a tone of someone's voice. Hearing somebody shout, dripping with anger, can scare a child; therefore affecting them as they grow up. I've thought about it non stop since she was born. I don't want my child anxious long term because of that evil, sadistic man.
Everything was a mess. I was a mess. Amanda said I needed try move on, and that Nate seemed like a really sweet guy. She said he was so concerned about me when I had a panic attack last week. She was in awe of how much he cared about me when he barely knew me.
I need this date, it's important for me. I needed to learn to love again, and trust.
Right. Time to find something to wear. Enough of all this emotional talk. I need to find an outfit.
Friday came round quicker than I expected. With all the excitement bubbling in me, I didn't think it would come this quick.
Me and Hope were planning on spending the next week in the garden, and enjoying the sun. It was school holidays, so I wasn't at work and she wasn't at school. Perfect if you ask me.
I placed her on the bed, and watched as she played with hair brushes. She had long hair for her age, so she was always using my stuff to style it. Of course at aged two there's not many styles she can transform her hair into, but she still tries a slick back pony tail, or clipping the sides up.
As I began my makeup, I watched her from the mirror and was completely fixated with how cute she was. Her little hands were grabbing bunches of her hair, and trying to put a bobble round it. I let out a little giggle as she scrunched her face up in frustration; she couldn't get the bobble to stay in perfectly.
"Do you need mommy to help you, sweetie?"
She looked up, with her lips in a pout. "No mommy I can do it"
I loved her determination, and independence. Such a positive, optimistic little girl.
"If you're sure baby girl"
She gave me a big, goofy grin, and went back to doing her hair.
I spent my time sorting my hair into beach waves. Simple, but elegant.
I had two outfit options: a black strapless dress or a white off-the shoulder mini dress.
Amanda was staying the night with Hope, so I needed her to hurry up so she could help me.
I put the black one on, but I wasn't sure. It was cute, but I wanted to see the white one first.
The white one made my chest look bigger, and threw attention to my shoulders. It sat just above my knees, and accentuated my curves. Maybe I could wear this one?
"Wow. You're going to knock the guy off his feet"
"I didn't hear you come in, you scared me!" I yelled, my hand smacking straight into my chest.
I almost jumped out my skin when I heard her voice, I didn't even hear the door open or close.
"So this one then yeah?" I asked, changing the subject immediately.
"Yes. Without a doubt"
I topped my makeup off with a bright red lipstick, and put my suede, black high heels on.
I was shaking with nerves. He said I could wear anything but I wanted to look good. I'm hoping he just said that to be polite. If he's underdressed I will cry. I'll feel so embarrassed.
"Amanda what if he's not as dressed up as me?" I worried, a pained expression reaching my features.
"It doesn't matter, your on a date you're entitled to look that beautiful no matter where he takes you" she was speaking to me like I was stupid. I get that, but he said anything what if he meant that for a reason?
"I'm putting some flats in my clutch"
"Your choice, but honestly if you have to take those off let him do it, and let him rub your feet if they hurt too"
"I am not asking the man to touch my feet Amanda." I said, dumbfounded by her ridiculous idea. I'm sure feet are the last thing he wants to touch.
"Why not? If your feet are sore from those you will want a foot rub" again with the tone of voice that made me sound stupid.
"I know but I'm not scaring him off on our first date, If I intended to do that I'd of planned to talk about Robert"
"I mean you could still talk about Robert" she muttered, not too loud but loud enough so I could hear her.
I paused mid step to the window. I wanted to see if he was here yet. How could she say that? I could not talk about that to Nate on a first date.
"Erm Amanda, I actually would like this date to go well you know?"
She huffed, and rolled her eyes. "Trust me, whenever you tell him he's gonna react the same way. And I'm positive he will not be scared"
The sincerity in her voice made me feel a little stronger about telling him, but it wasn't happening on this date. No way.
"What car does he drive?"
"Not sure why?" I walked over to Amanda who was standing at the front door with it wide open. Way to make me look desperate, Mandy.
When I looked there was an SUV parked out front, and then my phone vibrated.
It was him.
"Do I look okay? You promise me?" I panicked, my hands rattling with nerves.
"Yes, and I promise you, now go" she demanded, trying to shoo me out the door.
"Wait I need to say bye to Hope" I realised, scrambling to find her. "Hope! Come here sweetie"
I turned my back to the door to wait for Hope, and Amanda was trying to get my attention, only I was too busy giving Hope a cuddle.
"Daisy seriously look up"
"Oh my god what? I'm hugging -"
When I turned around he was stood at the door, smiling awkwardly at Amanda. When his eyes locked on mine his face morphed into something else, and he couldn't take his eyes off me. Maybe I did look that good?
He was wearing smart dress pants, a tight button down shirt in white, and smart brown leather shoes. He looked gorgeous, and I couldn't stop the smile as I studied him up and down more than once.
"Hi" he sounded nervous, but it was kinda cute.
"Hi" I looked down at my feet, and laughed at our sudden awkwardness. I was probably changing colour, and he was probably thinking what a nervous mess I was.
"Hey, Hope?" He said, but said it more in a question.
"Yeah, you remembered" I nodded at him as he engaged Hope in an introduction.
She ran out the door to him immediately, and her poor delicate footless feet were dancing along the pavement.
"Hope your feet will be dirty, and you could hurt yourself" I scolded her, But before I could pick her up and take her back inside, Nate had her in his arms and placed her on his hip.
I thanked him, Seeming nervous and awkward at his actions, but honestly I was in awe of what he was doing. He'd managed to almost win my heart over by just doing that little task of protecting her feet. He was amazing with her, and now I wanted this to work out even more. I wanted to move past all my problems for this one, singular man. The excitement of doing just that spread through me like a swarm of butterflies. I was feeling giddy, and happy over the thought of this man.
"Shall we put you back in the house? You're going to be freezing little munchkin" he tickled her feet, and she threw a fit of laughter in his face. I contagiously joined in and so did Amanda - who I'd actually forgot was still here. I was so engulfed in this moment, I forgot all about my surroundings and why we were actually stood here.
He brushed past me and gently placed her inside the door. She beamed up at him and I loved that he'd made her feel that happy. My heart was a growing mess at the sight.
"Is Nate staying mommy? Is that why you look pretty"
"No sweetie, me and Nate are going to have some dinner"
"Can I come?" Her baby blues were sparkling with need for me to say yes, and my heart ached knowing I had to say no.
"Not tonight, you're spending it with Amanda" I said, trying to sound excited for her.
"Oh" she looked sad, and I struggled on what to say, but Nate covered it great.
"Maybe next time you can come with us, how about that?"
Her face lit up, her eyes widened, and her mouth gasped open so wide I had to giggle.
"Yes please" she nodded her head at great speed, then hugged Nate.
My breath hitched at the sight of them, and he noticed as he looked down in discomfort. I didn't do it because I thought it was wrong, I did it because I liked it. Shit.
"You ready?" He looked at me with his icy blue irises, and waited in anticipation for my response.
"Yep" I nodded.
He reached for my hand, and I placed it in his watching as he interlocked our fingers.
"See you later Amanda, bye baby girl I love you"
"Bye mommy! Bye Nate!" She screamed back at him, and Amanda just casually waved with a teasing smirk on her face. I wouldn't be hearing the end of this tonight.