Taehyung's POV -
It's been a month since the accident happened, but I still have the same nightmare every night. Always, at the same moment, as soon as the car makes contact with Namjoon, I jolt awake screaming, a cold sweat seeping through my body. I'm always met with Yoongi, who immediately will pull me into a cuddle, and shush my sobs until I'm too exhausted to continue. Every night, I beg for it to be just a dream, that when I wake up, Namjoon will be in the kitchen, eating breakfast like the rest of us, drinking juice out the carton just the way Seokjin hates. It never happens.
Namjoon is still in hospital. In fact, he was in a coma until three days ago, when he finally came around over the span of two days. His list of injuries is endless, with a shattered pelvis, two breaks in his back, major internal bleeding, and a bad brain injury, as well as numerous broken bones all over his body. It took the surgeons six days to tell us he went into cardiac arrest three times during that first day. Most of his bones are still healing, leaving him covered in plaster, locking him away from our contact.
But the doctors were right. He's brain damaged. At this moment in time, they don't know how much he'll heal, but we're looking at him being unable to walk or talk just at this moment. In reality, his chances of walking are slim even if he does recover - he's shown no signs of being able to feel or move his legs.
He's in critical care at this moment, so we can only visit him one at a time, once a day. I've only seen him once since he woke up, and there was no recognition in his eyes. He just whimpered and drooled until a nurse ushered me out of the room. Even though it won't be my turn to see him until next week, I don't think I can bear to go.
It's been a month from hell. All of our schedule has been completely dropped, and won't be picked back up for a long time yet. PDnim said we're on an unofficial break, until we can determine what's going to happen with Namjoon. We have no concerts, no live music, no dance practice, nothing. We've even been instructed not to hold any V-Lives.
Jungkook has been taking this the worst out of all of us. He's lost so much weight, and he doesn't get any more sleep than I do. He's even gone so far as to faint a few times. He's been hospitalised himself, though it was just for a day, due to the fact we couldn't bring him around at all. Trying to feed him has been difficult, as he just sadly shakes his head whenever he's offered any food. A couple of times now, I've had to force feed him, pinching his nose shut so that he has no choice but to open his mouth, sobbing all the while. It's heartbreaking, but I won't stop. I can't let him go too.
Today was Hoseok's turn at the hospital. He comes back a little later than usual, and he's holding a folder full of different papers. He holds his close to his chest, his expression puzzled, like he's trying to piece together an unsolvable riddle. It's been a long time since I last saw him smile, but this new expression makes my stomach drop. I open my mouth to speak, but I can't form the words; they just get stuck in my throat. He sees my expression, and gives me a quick, nervous smile.
"Could you gather the others? I've been given some news. I only saw Joonie for five minutes before the doctor dragged me away."
Wordlessly, I nod my head, standing up quickly. It doesn't take long to pass the message around, since, now that we have no schedule, and no leader to guide us towards work, we all just mainly sulk in our rooms. Jungkook was the hardest to find, since he'd managed to fold himself away into a small crevice in his wardrobe.
In the living room, Hoseok has pulled a chair out of the kitchen, and placed it facing the sofa. He sits timidly on the edge, his body as tense as a spring. He looks like he will go flying at any given second. We all pile onto the sofa, our full attention on him. The tension in the room could be cut like a knife.
Hoseok doesn't waste any time. "I've been talking to Namjoon's medical team. They've been doing some tests on him, and they've given me the results, and what they mean." His voice sounds a little strained, like he's trying to hold back tears. I can see the redness under his eyes where he's already let the mask slip.
"Hyung?" Jimin asks, his voice cracking with emotion already. "Is it bad?"
Hoseok nods his head, then frowns and shakes it. "I ... don't really know. There's some good things, and there's some bad things. There's some things that I don't really understand."
"Let's do the bad first," Seokjin says, shutting his eyes and sighing.
"They don't think his brain damage will fully go away. His brain has taken so much of it, that it can't heal. They think they'll be able to teach him how to talk again, but they're not sure if he can walk, because he still isn't showing signs of feeling his legs. They think he's paralysed, but he's still too drugged up for them to really be able to tell, plus his hips and the casts will be holding him back. They think he'll have a seizure disorder because of where the damage is, but they said he's not been fitting. We have to keep an eye on it for at least a year, but it could lay dormant for ages and then suddenly spring on him. He's like a time bomb, I guess, but they're certain he'll have black outs for long after. We just have to be there to protect him."
"Is that all the bad news?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "No. They want us to sign a Do Not Resuscitate form. It'll be in place for the rest of his life.
"Jesus Christ," Yoongi mutters. "That's a bit intense, don't you think?"
Hoseok's face creases, and for a moment I think he's about to start crying, but he evens out and shakes his head. "They said it's not in his best interest. That resuscitating him could cause him way more issues, and destroy his quality of life. But if he's alive, they can't just end his life. He'll have to live like that."
"They said this ... They said that ... What the hell do they know?" Yoongi says angrily. Nobody says anything back, since we all know that they clearly know better than us, even if it's not what we want to hear.
"They want us to pass it on to his parents, since we didn't fill out their contact details. It's not our choice to make. However, I can see what they mean, and why they want it to be filled out. As much as I hate to say it, I think it's the best for Namjoon."
There's more silence in the room, as everyone accepts the fact that this is Namjoon's last call.
"But, there's still the good news. He had his tracheotomy out today, and he came around fine from the anaesthetic. He's gonna have a little scar on his neck, but he's breathing okay, and, if he can speak, will learn to restrengthen his voice. What's important though, is that it's out for good, and he shouldn't ever need it back. Plus, he actually smiled at me today. He seemed to recognise me. He looked all sad when I had to go."
"He's really breathing on his own?" Jungkook asks, tilting his head so his hair won't go into his eyes. He hasn't had a single haircut since the accident happened, and his hair is growing fast.
Hoseok nods. "He's doing a great job of it, too."
Jungkook suddenly bursts into tears, burying his face into his hands, shaking. I pull him into a hug, shushing him softly, and let him lean weakly into me as he tries to calm down.
"Also, he's got some of his basic movements back. He could swallow today, even though he can't eat anything, so he's not dribbling anymore, and he rubbed his eyes. His joints didn't seem as stiff as they have been, if you get what i mean?"
I nod. "So he's regaining use in his body. I-It's happening so quickly! Just yesterday they had to suction his mouth to stop him choking on his spit," Yoongi says, who saw him yesterday.
"He's coming out of critical care today. He's going to the intensive care unit. He's still high risk, but it's a step forward." Hoseok stops, pulling the last piece of paper out of the folder. "... This is the one I'm confused about. It's a home care leaflet, and it discusses how to care for someone who's profoundly disabled. It's not even about paralysis or seizures, but, as if they think this is the best he's going to get." He scans over the leaflet again, but his expression shows no recognition of the serious topic he's reading. "I mean, if he's already coming along so well, why do we need this? Do they really think that this is it? He's not going to recover?"
Seokjin takes the leaflet out of Hoseok's hand, but instead of reading it, he just closes it, his fingers stroking over the words on the front. "I don't know what to think. Part of me doesn't want to let him go, let him be ... like this. I mean, I can't exactly stop it happening, but I want him to get better. But the other half of me is saying we're lucky he's still alive, that we even still have him in our lives. I keep thinking, I'd rather care for him like this, than to not have him at all. That car was going nearly sixty and hit him head on. Over the past month he's gone into arrest six times. I just think, at least we still have him here with us. I'll care for him, if that's what happens."
"I don't think this is it," Jimin says, picking his nails with nerves. I hate the sound but I don't stop him, since we're all feeling very uncomfortable. "He's already covered three milestones today alone. How many disabled people know how to move properly? How many don't drool?"
I go to speak but suddenly there's a large slap to Jimin's knee. He cries out, angered, and glares at Seokjin, who glares straight back at him. "Jimin! How dare you speak about people with disabilities like that! People who are disabled in such a way have all sorts of needs and have all sorts of behaviours. Not every single person in a wheelchair just stays all limp and unresponsive. How can you speak in such a way?"
Jimin's face creases and he starts to sob. He tries to speak but he can't get the words out over the emotion. He gets up quickly and runs to his room. Silence follows afterwards.
It's a long time before Yoongi says, "I don't think he meant it like that. I don't really know what he was trying to suggest, but Jimin isn't an ableist."
Seokjin shrugs, but he looks a little guilty. "I don't know. I know he didn't mean it like that, but he can't just get away with saying stupid shit. He needs to think before he speaks."
Hoseok stands up, sighing, shoving all of the papers back into the folder, which he leaves on the table. "I'll go speak to him."
*
The next day, we all crowd into the hospital. Only two of us can go and see him at one time, but he's on normal visiting hours, so we can all wait turns to go and see him. I think I'll be the only one to say this, but I'm not really looking forward to it. As much as Hoseok has said he's getting better, I don't know how much I can believe. I just can't ever see him making a full recovery.
Jungkook grips my hand, and looks deep into my eyes, taking a long and deep breath to steady himself. Together, we head inside to see Namjoon.
He sits up in the bed, propped up by pillows. Yoongi tuts a little, stroking Namjoon's fringe off of his forehead, and gives his hand a small squeeze. "We'll see you later, okay? You're doing so well." He buffers a little, not really used to showing his emotions, and leaves with Seokjin. I take his seat on one side of Namjoon, whilst Jungkook sits opposite.
I take in the gauze on his neck, covering the incision he needed to breathe through. His breaths are raspy, and clearly a little effort, but he's safe, able to cope with himself. He gives me the faintest of smiles, and it's the first time in the last three days that he's actually recognised me. I swallow hard, not really sure what to do, or what to say.
"C-Can you talk?" Jungkook asks timidly, scooping Namjoon's hand into his. Namjoon turns his head to look at him, but there's no signs of him hearing or understanding the words. He just smiles softly, neither shaking his head or replying. It feels much worse than I expected.
"Can you ... understand?" I whisper. Namjoon turns to me, but says nothing, again neither nodding or shaking his head.
I lean forward and start stroking his hair, brushing it all to one side of his forehead. He sighs softly, shutting his eyes, looking very peaceful. He really enjoys it, even though he didn't like touch too much before this happened.
Jungkook picks up the chart at the end of his bed, and starts flipping through the pages, skimming until he comes to the more recent pages. He keeps reading silently, but he doesn't frown. He even looks a little shocked by what he's seeing. Silently, he passes it over to me.
The first page is about how his legs are healing. He broke both femurs badly, and nearly had one leg amputated. A lot of the bone had to be removed, as they were shattered into pieces and were irreparable, so a metal bar was placed in each one. What's left will heal around the bars, and will help him a lot if he is able to relearn how to walk. It says that the scars are healing nicely, and the bone is healing well around it, so he won't need any more surgery. The doctor has put that he may need another skin graft once the casts have come off, since they can't see how well they're healing yet. They've also put that he may need to have his legs realigned, since they couldn't figure out how badly damaged his knees were, not until the other bones around have healed properly.
The next page is about his pelvis. During the first two days, he had numerous surgeries to get each part of his hips fixed, since there was so much damage to each side they couldn't do it in one go. He's had a total hip replacement, as well as metal bars to hold it together. It says that the bone isn't healing as well, but it will take up to a year to fully recover anyway.
The next page is about his spine. I see red lines. A whole lot of red lines. Numerous times, things that have been written down have been crossed out, as more details have come to light on how well his spine is healing. They still can't guarantee if he will walk until he begins therapy, but his spine is still uneven, and needs more surgery. The reason why it hasn't been done yet isn't written. They think that the instability can cause him major issues if it isn't fixed. He also hasn't shown any new signs of being able to feel his legs, not even when they've stuck his feet with needles. They don't know if it'd because he's drugged out on strong pain meds, because of his brain damage, or because he's paralysed. I don't know if I want to find out.
Namjoon gives a little whimper, and turns his head towards me, opening his arms out like he wants a hug. I lean forward, and he wraps his arms around me, though I can't do the same because of his back. He stays holding me like that for a long while, nuzzling his face into my shoulder, until he eventually falls asleep. He always likes sleeping while holding something. When I sit back up, Jungkook is crying.
*
Hoseok's POV -
Over the next few weeks, they slowly bring his pain medication down. His loopiness seems to wear off, and the extent of his brain damage is starting to come through. He can't talk, and has started therapy to help him along. Luckily, he's picking it up quickly, and is able to mutter a few essential words, such as 'water', to help him get what he needs. He's also learnt a few signs to help him for other words that he can't quite get the hang of. His breathing has evened out much more, as he gets used to breathing without the ventilator, and he no longer has the bandage around his neck. The scar looks pretty nasty, but the nurses seemed quite happy, saying that, once it heals properly, it'll barely be noticable. They said that, in the long scheme of things, he didn't have the tracheotomy for a long time, and therefore it'll heal much better than other people's.
He can walk!
Well, not yet. But he can feel his legs. We found out by accident. Yoongi brought some coffee into the room, and accidentally twisted his ankle, spilling some of the hot coffee onto Namjoon's foot. He cried out and flinched, which made him cry more since his legs are very painful. I have to be honest, I fainted. The shock was just too much. I really, genuinely can't believe this is happening. After being hit at 60 miles an hour, Namjoon will learn to walk again.
I sit next to him, reading some hope letters to him from ARMY. Although he doesn't respond, his attention is solely on me, and he remains still as I read. Seokjin stays quiet too, and starts brushing Namjoon's hair. When I get to the third letter, I hear Seokjin shushing him. I look up, and Namjoon is crying.
"Don't cry, sweetie!" I say, feeling a little surprised. I didn't want to make him cry, even though the letters are soppy. I put my phone down and wipe his eyes gently. He opens his mouth, trying to speak, but he can't, and he starts crying more.
"Do you think you could write it down?" Seokjin asks, still cradling Namjoon's head. He pulls his phone out his pocket and presses into Namjoon's hand. He pokes at the keyboard with one finger, looking a little desperate as he attempts to write a message. Seokjin peers over hopefully, but his face drops. When Namjoon turns the screen to me, I see that he's pressed all the wrong keys, leaving a load of gibberish. He starts to cry again when he realises I can't make out what he's written.
"... Don't worry, sweetheart. We'll teach you, it's okay. Please don't cry, you're breaking my heart."
Seokjin frowns, deep in thought. Suddenly, he jumps up, nearly knocking the chair over. He rushes for the door, then thinks better and turns to us. "I've got an idea. Wait here." He disappears out the room. It doesn't take long for Jimin to peer his head around the door.
"Everything okay? Seokjin's just run off."
"He said he had an idea. I don't know where he's gone, though."
Jimin sits on the edge of the bed, looking sympathetically at Namjoon. "Are you feeling upset?" Namjoon nods his head. "Is it because you can't talk?" He nods his head again, but then shakes it, looking at Jimin so determinedly, desperate to communicate. "You're upset about something else too?" He nods. Jimin turns to me for context.
"I was reading him some letters from fans, giving him well wishes." My voice comes out a little hoarse, as I fight back tears. Jimin handled Namjoon so well then. I didn't even consider asking him yes and no questions to make communication easier for him. I feel guilty as hell.
"What is it that makes you sad? Is it how they're worried for you?" Namjoon nods, the tears stopping. He looks at Jimin, love behind his gaze, cheering up. We know that there's much more behind his sadness, but, we know the unspoken words.
Seokjin comes back in, ripping open a box in haste. He jolts when he sees Jimin, finally looking up. However, he doesn't ask any questions, and instead pulls a whiteboard and a pen out of the box. He uncaps the pen and passes them to Namjoon.
I watch how badly Namjoon's hand shakes as he writes on the board, his words sloping up and down. The words read "I love you".
The way I wish I could hug him, but the back brace won't let me. Jimin sobs suddenly, stroking Namjoon's hair with both hands, desperate to hold him in any way. "I-I love you too. I love you so fucking much, Namjoon. No matter what."
*
Another month later, Namjoon is finally home. The casts are off his legs, and he's had the surgery on his spine to straighten it, and thankfully it didn't paralyse him. He still uses a wheelchair to get around, and with his strength so low it can be a bit of a struggle, but he refuses to give in to an electric chair. He has therapy every single day, sometimes at home, but mostly at the hospital, both for his walking and his speech. We've discovered that one leg is much weaker than the other, due to nerve damage, so he's going to need a cane to walk for the rest of his life. I tried to cheer him up about not being able to dance again, but he didn't let on how upset he truly is, and said that he'll learn to dance using a wheelchair. I'm almost excited to see how that'll plan out.
His speech is far from perfect. He stutters badly, and can't quite grasp vowels sometimes, but, most of the time, he's fully understandable. He gets frustrated by it, which makes him worse, but he's smart, and he knows that with time and practice, it'll come back. Some days are too much for him, and there's been a few tantrums, but he always comes away stronger.
Our dorm is luckily a flat, and he can get to our floor using the lift. He's being as independent as possible, despite regularly blacking out.
Today is his very first day on crutches, and he's utilising every single second to get used to them and get himself around the house. I stand next to him in the kitchen, helping him remember where everything is kept. His memory is suffering a little, but he's getting around it slowly. He taps each draw with his hand, mumbling to himself.
"Can you ... outside? I need to ... remember. By myself."
It'll be the first time he's been on his own since the accident, and I'm not too sure. The kitchen is covered in mats in case he falls, so I give in to him and nod. "I'll be right outside the door. I'll give you two minutes, okay?"
We've been through every room in the house, helping him remember small details in his life his brain erased. However, he's never asked to be alone. He's not much for cooking either, so I don't know why he's picked the kitchen, of all places.
I keep my ears open for any crashes, or bad sounds, but a couple of minutes later he comes hobbling out, looking a little happier. I smile at him, ready to lead him to the sofa to sit, but he makes his way into his bedroom, and shuts the door before I can follow. I didn't realise that he wanted to do this in every room. I put my hand on the handle, then hesitate, deciding whether I want to breach his rights like this. I make the decision to back away from the door, and let him go through every corner of the room.
Next, he makes his way to the bathroom. The sad thing is, someone even has to sit in with him while he uses the toilet, or has a shower or bath, since he blacks out so often. It's been awkward for us, but I don't think Namjoon has really been affected, since he can't really gather what he finds right or wrong.
It finally happens. I hear a loud crash inside the room, followed by silence. "Namjoon!" I yell, yanking the door open. Luckily, he landed on one of the mats, and I didn't hear him hit his head on anything. "Stupid!" I mumble, smacking my forehead hard. How could I let him go around on his own, when I knew the risks? I'm a fucking idiot!
I cradle him into my arms, letting the crutches slide off his own, and take him to the sofa. He comes around in my arms, but he doesn't try and move, too groggy to really understand what's just happened yet.
"What's happened?" Yoongi asks, but then he shakes his head, already knowing what the answer is. He heads to the kitchen, and comes back with a glass of water. By this time, Namjoon has come around properly, and takes the glass thankfully from his hand.
"Are you feeling okay, Joonie?" I ask, feeling very guilty that I let an accident happen. "You had a bit of a fall ..."
"A fall?" Yoongi interjects, looking at me oddly. "Hoseok, what do you mean?"
"I ..." I stumble over my words, feeling a weight on my chest as I hold back tears. "I wanted ... I wasn't ... there."
Yoongi gasps, glaring at me. He goes to respond, but Namjoon gets there first, tapping Yoongi's arm to get his attention. "Me ... My fault ... I wanted to be ... alone. Just for a few minutes."
Yoongi switches from frowning to concern. "Why do you want to be alone? It's not safe! You could have gotten hurt!"
Namjoon nods again. He goes to speak, but he can't get any words out. Instead, he takes his notepad and pen off the table and scribbles a quick message. "How do you think it feels to be me? Trapped in a lagging body, with no peace." He looks Yoongi deep in the eye. "I know you mean well, but ... but ... I need ... space."
Yoongi doesn't know what to do. He looks like he's going to cry. "But ..."
"Namjoon needs to heal in his own way. The only place he's truly not safe is the bathroom. We can give him the space he needs. Not necessarily on his own, we can stay in the room, but not breathing down his neck. Maybe, if he's not relying on us so much, he can figure out when he's about to black out and get himself to safety." Namjoon nods in agreement.
"Are you sure you want this, Namjoon? You've only just started walking by yourself. We don't want to rush this.
Namjoon writes, "I don't want to rush either. I just want a little more independence."
Yoongi sighs and pats his hand. "If this is what you want. Then okay."
Namjoon smiles gleefully and pulls him into a hug, sighing softly. I sit back and look at them, taking in Namjoon's thin structure against Yoongi's bigger one.
It's been an awful few months, but as I sit back and take in Namjoon walking, speaking, living his life again, I realise just how precious life is.
I'll never waste another second.
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