- - -
the body is an infinitely complex mass of interacting systems. people like to think doctors see it all clearly.
- - -
"morning," richard sighs when approaches lia and jackson as they're busy looking at the o.r schedule.
"is that your name i see on the o.r board this afternoon?" jackson raises his brow.
"well, it's just a chole," richard shrugs. "getting my feet wet."
"are you sure you're ready?" lia turns to him. "i mean, it is your first day back."
"i'm ready," richard assures. "and i'm stepping down as chief."
"wait, what?" lia and jackson both say in sync.
"i know i've said it before, and then ended stepping back up again. but i have other important things in my life that i want to focus on. this time i'm ready," richard assures. "as of tomorrow, dr. bailey is the new chief of this hospital."
- - -
but it's not always obvious what's a hiccup in the system and what's full-on medical disaster.
- - -
"bailey? bailey? miranda bailey?" mark repeats, his voice raising an octave each time, as he and lia are walking down the o.r corridor.
"uh-huh," lia nods.
"did he tell you he was planning on stepping down?" mark turns to his wife.
"you know my dad," lia shrugs. "he doesn't tell me anything."
"but why bailey? i mean, there's a perfectly good chief standing right here," mark gestures to himself and lia rolls her eyes.
"of course there is, babe," lia pats mark's arm. "i do not know what he was thinking."
■ ■ ■
"dr. webber," lia hears her name being called as she's walking through the hospital lobby.
"uh, mr. and mrs. niles," lia greets when she turns around to find anna, one of her old patients, and her husband, james, holding their baby, and a map of the hospital.
"we kinda got turned around on our way to admitting," james explains.
"oh, oh, not a problem," lia shakes her head as she notices ben walking by, and she stops him. "dr. warren, uh, mrs. nile's is scheduled for a mastectomy tomorrow. uh, why don't you show her and her husband up to the fifth floor?"
"sure," ben nods.
"is this the little man?" lia turns to the baby in james' arms. "he's gotten so big. it feels like just yesterday that i was delivering him. he is just adorable."
"he's not so adorable at four in the morning when he's screaming and won't take a bottle. can we just get to the room?" anna asks blankly before stepping away.
"it's kind of been a rough week," james tells lia in a lowered voice. "she had to stop nursing. his here just won't eat."
"here. why don't i take you up?" lia offers as she takes gus from james. "you know, you can try a little sugar water on the bottle, just until he gets used to it."
■ ■ ■
"hey, dr. webber. look, you're the baby whisperer gus here drank the whole bottle," james smiles, carrying gus when he approaches lia whilst she's waiting for an elevator. "here, do you want to hold him?"
"uh, actually now isn't a good time. i'm about to go and get your wife's labs," lia explains, but offers a smile.
"oh, yeah. uh... do you, uh, think you could talk to her?" james asks. "she's kind of freaking out. she's not to sure about the mastectomy. she's thinking maybe a lumpectomy. i know she likes you. maybe you could talk her into-"
"oh, no, no. it's not my job to talk her into anything. this really isn't my area," lia tells him. "maybe if she knew more about her reconstructive options... um, i'll send a plastic surgeon up."
■ ■ ■
"if you go ahead with the mastectomy, there are several reconstructive options," mark explains to anna as he shows her various implants, whilst lia and jackson stand at the foot of her bed. "saline implants are used most often, but silicone has a more natural look and feel."
"i can't deal with this right now," anna shakes her head.
"anna, come on," james encourages as gus begins to cry. "it'll take two seconds, huh?"
"you're the one who has to feel them, so you decide," anna sighs, leaning back into the bed.
"i don't care," james tells her.
"dude, believe me you care," jackson assures.
"dr. avery," lia scolds.
"dude, he's right," mark agrees. "you care."
"dr. sloan," lia says through her teeth as she shoots him a look.
■ ■ ■
lia is going over her charts at one of the nurses stations when james approaches her again, carrying gus on his hip.
"dr. webber? what's wrong with my wife?" he asks.
"i'm... sorry?" lia's brows knit together. "uh, as you know, she has stage two b breast cancer."
"i know that," james assures. "will you please tell me what's wrong with her?"
"mr. niles-" lia says softly.
"'cause she won't. she won't talk to me. i've tried, and i'm trying," james cuts her off, his voice beginning to break. "and i know this sucks, and it's scary, but we can do this. we can fight this. but she won't. she won't even look at gus. she won't hold him, and all he wants is his mom. he's just- she's such a good mom. i know it doesn't seem like that, but she is."
"okay, i can schedule a psych consult," lia offers.
"i don't want a psych consult," james snaps before softening his voice again. "i just want my wife back. please. now she's talking crazy, how she might not have the surgery at all."
"mr. niles-"
"can you please tell her that she has to have the surgery?" he cuts her off before she gets the chance to say anything. "please. somebody has to tell her."
■ ■ ■
"i don't feel like talking," anna dismisses lia when she enters her room, closing the door behind her. lia sighs, and takes a seat in the visitor's chair beside her bed.
"when i'm driving home at night after a long day at work, all i can think about is getting to my babies," lia tells her, and she clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes in response.
"if this is where you tell me to fight the cancer so i don't miss out on the joys of motherhood-" anna shakes her head.
"then i get home- the baby's crying... the exhaustion hits, and i resent that tiny baby's presence in my house, my previously quite quiet house," lia continues. "see, my older daughter was a much quieter baby, and having another was nothing like i imagined."
"why are you telling me this?" anna turns to her.
"so you know what i do? first, i blame my husband for not settling the baby down, even though he's a surgeon too and is just as busy as i am. and if i'm really tired and pissed off... i blame the baby," lia admits. "i mean, if you hadn't been breast-feeding, you never would've thought the lump was a clogged milk duct. you would've gone to the doctor as soon as you felt it, the cancer wouldn't have got this far, and you wouldn't be here making this decision. am i close?"
"what kind of mother blames her own baby for her cancer?" tears begin to fill anna's eyes.
"a mother who's human," lia assures her. "a mother who's overwhelmed."
"but if this is gonna kill me eventually, wouldn't it be easier if it happened when gus was little," annacries. "wouldn't it be easier for him if i just never existed?"
"okay. shh," lia soothes, taking hold of anna's hand. "now this is the part when i tell you to fight the cancer so that you don't miss out on the joys of
motherhood."
- - -
we figure that out in our first year of residency. we spend the rest of our careers lying about it.
- - -
"this is such a lovely meal," catherine smiles from where she sits across from richard in a posh restaurant. "really nice."
"more than nice. you keep me on my toes, catherine avery. you make me very happy," richard clears his throat before slowly standing from the table.
"richard webber, if you are about to do what i believe you're about to do, you should stop," catherine warns him gently.
"catherine, w-" richard shakes his head.
"no, please, please," she cuts him off, and he sighs deeply. "you should not be asking this question without knowing my answer."
"well, i thought i did," richard takes his seat back at the table.
"we are not new to this," catherine reminds him. "we know better than to get caught up in some grand, romantic gesture. we know what marriage really is. it's a merger, a contract. no one should enter a binding contract without careful, lengthy, practical consideration."
"sounds so romantic," richard rolls his eyes.
"no, and it shouldn't be," catherine tells him.
"you know what? yes, it should," richard leans forward and props his arms on the table. "you know, i pulled back on the romance tonight because i knew- if i could... i'd fill this room with roses. i'd have invited all of our friends. i would've hired a quartet or a soloist or a damn mariachi band to start playing the minute you said yes, because a proposal should be romantic. it's- that's how i see it. it's not a... hollow gesture. it's me... telling you... how much i love you. but, um... clearly, we disagree."
they both sigh as richard leans back into the chair, waving the waiter over for the cheque.
"i take it we're splitting the cheque?"
- - -
it's just a cold. muscle through it. it'll pass. nothing's really wrong. we're doctors. we'd know if something was wrong. we're all be fine. nothing is wrong.
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