Thoughts from Stella eight months from now:
Growing up in Florida was something else. There was always a party, the beach wasn't too far, the weather was amazing. We had Disney World and Universal Studios. Miami was always the spot for spring break. The boys were hot. I focused on my school but also managed to have fun and got caught up with boys here and there. I was always a good girl but I had my wild side. What else do you expect from a girl born and raised in Siesta Key? I've learned to control myself, be more responsible once I started college and be smart about things. In High School I was boy crazy and my mom would always tell me to be careful. I would go to them for affection and I'm not sure if it's my fathers absence that caused me to be that way. I know I don't need a man to survive but it also is nice to have that love from a guy. I promised I'd steer away from any trouble when I got to L.A. That men could wait, love could wait. I thought it would all be easy but nothing is ever easy when Evan Buckley is in your life.
Present.
After my erupt exit out of Buck's room, I took a few moments to get myself together. Why am I letting him get to me that easily? I don't know but I'm at work and this can't be happening. I did go back to check on him after my moment of anger and Dr. Harrison was already there looking over his chart. He ordered Buck to get checked out to see if we missed anything that might need surgery. Buck wasn't fond of the idea but he listened to Harrison. Buck did not hesitate to rub it in my face when everything came back clear. He was in the green and was discharged later that afternoon. I made sure he wasn't able to find me on his way out.
I caught Gigi up on everything I've been feeling and my attempt in trying to avoid Buck. She frowned when I told her.
"Why are you trying so hard to avoid him? He seems decent" she said. "Unless there's someone else who has your interest"
"Decent isn't good enough and no there isn't someone else." Who wants to be with a decent guy? That won't benefit me. She shrugged and continued eating her lunch.
It was almost the end of my shift and I was ready to meet my bed. On my way out I was stopped by Victor. He seemed anxious, hands on his hips. Hopefully he wasn't about to tell me I needed to stay a bit longer tonight.
"On your way out?" He asks. I give him a soft 'mhm.'
"Uh well I had a quick question" here it comes. I prepare myself for him to ask if I can stay to help with something. I was ready to say yes but a whole other question came out of his mouth.
"Would you like to go to dinner sometime this week? With me of course" his hand rubs the back of his neck. Oh. That is not what I was expecting. At all. This isn't happening to me right now. My attending is asking me to go out to dinner. Me and him. Alone.
"Dinner? Me and you?" My hand does a weird gesture as I point between us. I'm having difficulty processing this.
"If you want" he shrugs, "as friends of course" there goes the of course again which hints his nervousness. I should say no but I find myself not being able to. I suck at following my own rules.
"I just had a really good time talking to you the night of the gala. It's rare to be able to have a conversation, a real conversation with an intellectual. And maybe I'm trying to bribe you to come on over to Cardio in the future."
"Ahh I see" I laugh. "Sure. I'd love to" I'm a girl who likes doing risky things. No matter how hard I try to shove her down she always climbs her way up. How the hell did this happen? I'm going to have to tell Gigi right away. I should call her when I get home. She's going to freak.
Relief flushes over Victor, his body is less tense and a smile splits his lips. He was probably expecting a rejection.
"Great. Okay. Umm how does Friday sound?"
"Good" I say without thinking.
"Great. I'll uh pick you up then"
"Okay" there's a small moment of awkwardness as we both try to take this all in. We're going out to dinner. On Friday. He's most likely shocked as much as I am. I can't believe we're doing this. It's professional though, I tell myself. Harmless. A dinner with a friend. Who is a guy.
Well Stella, you're doing an amazing job at staying away from guys!
"I'm going to go home now" I point to the door.
"Yeah sorry. Have a good night, I'll see you Friday"
"See you" I say as I walk past him. I don't dare to look over my shoulder.
The first thing I do when I get home is call Gigi. The volume of her voice when I broke the news to her was incredibly high. She couldn't believe her ears.
"HE WHAT? YOU AND RUSSELL? DINNER? ON FRIDAY ARE YOU KIDDING?" Question after question.
"Yessss!! I was going to say no-"
"Thank god you didn't! Stella! Russell is stupid hot. But how are you guys going to go about this without anyone finding out?" Her guess is as good as mines.
"That I have not thought about. But it's not a date. We're going as friends." She roars out a laughter.
"Seriously? Dinner as friends? yeah okay!"
"Gigi I'm serious. I can't be in a romantic relationship with my attending. That is so against so many rules. I am a first year-"
"And the attending has his eyes set on you, damn. Not going to lie I'm jealous"
"Why?"
"Because you have a fine ass firefighter who wants you AND your attending is falling for you. Lucky bitch!" My mouth falls open.
"First of all Buck does not want me. He wants my what is between my legs. Victor on the other hand.. I don't know. I feel I can learn a lot from him on a serious note. Maybe it won't hurt to befriend a cardio god." Who is not ugly at all. I bring my hand up to my forehead, gently rubbing it. Victor seems like a good guy. This is all giving me a headache. I haven't even told my mom what's been going on in that department yet.
"I don't know Stella. Maybe you should experiment" I can imagine she has her thumb in between her teeth right now, she always does that when she usually has an idea in mind.
"Experiment?" I don't like sound of this.
"Go on a date with both of them. Not at the same time obviously." Obviously.
"And get to know both of them. See who's your better match"
"I'm not going on a date with Victor and I will definitely not be going on a date with Buck!"
"Do you hear yourself? You call him Victor. I call him Russell. And what the hell did Buck even do to you that you're so hard on him and refuse to let the man get a chance? You keep shutting him down based on rumors you've heard about him. From what I hear it's been a while since Buck has slept around. Yes his past doesn't seem great but that's the last. No one should be judged based on choices they made in the past. There's room for change and he could've done just that but you're refusing to find out. It's not fair to him and you know that."
I open my mouth to say something but quickly close it. It didn't hit me before now on how I call Victor by his first name but none of the other interns do. Buck on the other hand I don't have an answer for. Guilt takes over me as I think over her words. Maybe I have been hard on Buck but I'm afraid if I even dare consider giving him a chance he'll mess it up. It's the first time I admit that to myself. I flip onto my back and stare at the ceiling, a sigh falling from my mouth.
"See my point?" Gigi says after a moment of silence.
"Buck has done nothing wrong to you. You're just being stuck up and judgey!" She adds.
"I am not" I try defending myself. "Buck can be cocky sometimes"
"Judgey" she cuts me off, I can hear the smirk in her voice.
"Gigi!"
"Whatever floats your boat. I'm just saying, you have two guys wanting your attention. Doesn't hurt to sample" she giggles. She thinks I'll just mess around with both until I decide who I want. That's not happening.
"I'm not looking for a relationship Gigi" I complain. But life is making everything hard for me.
"But it's looking for you!" She laughs like a maniac. Her laugh is obnoxious sometimes.
"I hate you" I joke.
"You love me" she taunts me.
"I'm going to bed. I'll see you at work"
"Sweet dreams, try not to dream about both of your boyfriends"
I hang up the call. They are not my boyfriends nor will they be. Victor and I are friends, who work together and Buck is just a guy I've slept with. Twice. And I can't trust his words. Even if they were true, I don't have time for relationships. Do you want Buck's words to be true? I ask myself. No. Absolutely not going to think about him. The sex was great. Super great. I try to shake the memories back. The little trick he does with his tongue. How he flicks it, the way he intertwines his fingers with mine, his hot breath against my skin, those circles he does with his hips when he's buried deep-
Damn these flashbacks! I need to get ready for bed and keep my mind off men.
After a nice hot shower I throw on a big t-shirt and crawl into bed. Sleep greets me in within minutes.