Me: (shaking my head in defensiveness) I am ready to marry Qing. I want to marry him. I love him.
Qing: (squeezing my hand) No one is questioning your love for me, Love.
I narrowed my eyes on him, he questioned my love for him when he was wallowing in pain! How dare he?! But I never got to say those thoughts out loud because the doctor spoke again.
Dr: (nodding) What he said is true, Dayu. Everyone in this room is aware about your love for Qing. You are here seeking answers and help, that's proof enough that you want to do better for the two of you and this relationship.
Me: (defensiveness deflating) Oh. Alright. And yes, I want to be better.
Dr: I know. And so...you want to marry him but you rejected his proposal. Do you have any idea why?
Me: I was surprised, I guess. I mean, I always knew we will somehow end up being married to each other but I thought it won't happen for like...another ten years.
Dr: Ah...so you think Qing went too fast.
Me: Maybe a little. But now that I got to think about it, that's not really a problem for me too. Qing said we can take this engagement thing as long as we want. He just want his ring on my hand. And that lifts up the pressure from me.
Dr: Okay. So you think that's all there is to it? The time pressure...
Me: (wincing) No. There is also our parents...
Qing and I alternately explained to the doctors about our parents desire to see us both settled down.
Qing: We are not blaming them. They are our parents and we know they never wish any harm to happen to us.
Me: (nodding to agree) The saying that parents only wants what's best for their child is true and alive in our parents.
Dr: (smiling) They sound like lovely people.
Me: They are the best.
Dr: True. They are the best in encouraging you two. The best in supporting you both. The best in helping. In understanding. In loving...
Me: (nodding along) True. True. All of that.
Dr: ...and they are also the best in putting pressure on the both of you.
I stopped nodding at that point.
Qing: (frowning) No. They don't pressure me much. My parents are well aware that I don't react to pressure that well. I push back as hard as they pressure me.
The good doctor and Qing turned to me when I remained silent after what Qing said. I stared back at them helplessly. My boyfriend groaned when he saw that helplessness in my eyes.
Qing: (to the doctor) Dayu mentioned that he rejected my proposal because he got scared of our families would be reaction to it. They will surely push us to prepare for the wedding in haste and sign those marriage documents fast.
Dr: (confuse) But you both said you intend this to be a long engagement.
Qing: (patting my hand) They will convince Dayu to reconsider the time frame.
The doctor and Qing looked at me again and waited for me to prove them wrong. Well, they are about to be disappointed. I sighed.
Me: (dejectedly) I'm a people pleaser. I love knowing that people like me so I try my best to be accomodating.
I am starting to hate that part of me. Maybe I should start to develop a habit of not giving too much fuck about other people's perception on me. Oh my...
Qing: Not everybody. But Dayu does do everything to please our mothers. Last year alone, I never heard Dayu said no to anything either of them demanded.
Me: (groaning as I closed my eyes) It's because they both got sick. (opening my eyes and went on the defense again) My mother is on her early stage of menopause. Your mother's blood pressure has to be monitored now. How can you possibly say no to them? What kind of monster do you have to be to disappoint them when they are already suffering from their conditions?
Qing: You don't necessarily disappoint them when you say no. You just have to take some time to explain to them why they are not getting what they want.
Me: (scoffing at that) Oh, like you are someone who is patient enough to explain your decisions to your own mother. You get snappy when they question your judgment. You are that terrible at explaining your side to your parents.
Qing: At least I am not the one who developed panic attacks because I love pleasing everybody.
I gasped at that. How dare he go that low on me?! How dare he?!
Dr: How about your fathers?
The doctor asked that to calm down the brewing fight happening between me and my boyfriend.
Me: My Baba loves me. He understands me well.
Qing: True. My own Baba loves Dayu as well. He does his best not to bother Dayu because he knows Dayu is having a tough time already with just being with me. My father is not blind to my imperfections. He is just ever grateful that Dayu hasn't broken up with me yet.
Me: In short, no...our fathers doesn't pressure us that much.
Qing: Finally. Something good about this whole thing.
He is being sarcastic and I can't blame him. Clearly, Qing is not happy about the things we are learning in this session with the psychiatrist and I am agreeing with him. This is not making me happy at all as well.
Dr: So, Dayu's desire to please your mothers and not to aggravate their conditions is the problem. Do you think that is all?
Qing: (sighing) I doubt it. He worries about small little stuffs. He is OCD. But most of the time, that's not a bad thing. I love Dayu's OCD.
Me: (snorting) You love my OCD? That's a breaking news there. Or maybe you do love my OCD. Especially when my OCD prompt me to clean his superhero figures and toy collections.
Qing turned his eyes on me. I boldly stared back at him.
Me: What?
Qing: Nothing. You are being extra honest today.
Me: We have to be honest to the doctor. And I am not the one who opened up about my OCD. Thank you for consulting me before yapping about that, by the way.
I am being sarcastic here.
Dr: For what it's worth, your OCD is listed here in your medical record.
Qing: (waving his hand) See. It's not exactly a secret. And you don't have to be ashamed of your OCD.
Me: (widening my eyes threateningly at him) I am not ashamed. I love my OCD as well.
Dr: And that is good. It's a part of you and you have to embrace that. But again...we should probably stick to the problem at hand, your panic attacks.
Me: (turning my head sharply back to the doctor) Yes, what should we do about it?
Dr: I'm afraid prescribing a medicine to calm you down will be necessary.
Me: (worried) Does it really requires medicine? I mean, it's so new...
Dr: (nodding) I understand. But we must not wait for your body to find it harder and harder to calm down once a panic attack happened. The more time it takes for you to calm, the longer you will suffer. It's better if we start teaching your body not to let the tremors and panic consume it for a longer time than necessary. The more you get calm faster, the better. When you are in a grip of a panic attack, you find it hard to think, and thinking is necessary to get yourself to calm down. Don't worry, I won't drown you in medicine. I will also recommend learning some techniques to calm down without taking anything. Once you learned calming down on your own, maybe we can renegotiate the chemical part of this procedure.
Qing: (squeezing my hand again) Think of it this way my Love, the medicine is a safety net. You can try the calming exercises first, and when they fail...you can take the medicine.
That...makes sense.
Me: (to the doctor) Can I do that?
Dr: Of course. I also don't want you to rely on medication, Dayu ah. No doctor wants their patients to rely on medicines. We want you to get well in an authentic and natural way as much as possible. Without disturbing the chemicals on our patients' bodies as much as we can. As a psychiatrist, I am aware of the risk of what can happen once a patient become drug defendent.
Me: (shaking my head) I don't want that. I don't like taking drugs. You can ask Qing. I even forget to take my vitamins because I hate filling myself up with medicines.
Qing: But vitamins are good for you.
Me: I know. But still, I hate the thought of me as a precription bottle slowly being filled with tablets and capsules.
Dr: Yes. Not a lovely image at all. But in your case, I will precribe a medicine that you can take if ever a panic attack occurs. It's necessary.
Me: Okay.
Dr: Good. And hopefully, when a panic attack happens, you can make an appointment to see me so we can discuss what could have triggerred it.
Me: Do I need to go to therapy for this?
Dr: There is nothing wrong with talking to a therapist regularly to talk about the things burdening you or confusing you enough to get you stressed. But in your case, I don't think it's necessary yet. You have Qing, you are quite honest with each other...I can see that. I think you both are capable of opening up about your issues so I think you two are still good at that front.
Qing: If we need a couple's therapy or solo therapy, we will do it. If it means it could help, we will take it.
Dr: Good. Take help. There is no harm is asking for help. Especially if you are coming to get the help from professionals.
I nodded and the doctor started writing on her prescription pad. She typed things on her laptop, asked for some information and entered those input in her client profiles.
We left our talk with her feeling more hopeful that we can find a way to lessen the effect of the panic attacks on my body and mind. I hate the erratic racing of my heartbeats and the blank slate on my head when I am panicking. I cannot think and I find it hard to breath...it has a potential to kill me.
Panic attacks are no laughing matter. It could kill if not treated well. So Qing and I are taking this seriously.
Qing: (while we are in the parking lot about to leave the hospital) I won't lose you to any panic attack. I want you to avoid anything that could trigger it.
Me: You mean avoid our mothers? They are a triggering factors to me. Are you kidding me right now?
Qing: (sighing) Are you sure you don't want to tell our parents about your panic attacks?
Me: (suddenly feeling panicky) Yes! No telling about this to my parents! Or yours! NO!
Qing: Okay. Relax Love...hey..
Qing grabbed my right hand and started pressing it gently to massage it. I took several calming breaths to slow down my heartrate.
Qing: Maybe I should buy you a bracelet like the one my mother is wearing. You know, the one that can monitor your vitals. BP, heart rate and temperature. Stuffs like that.
Me: (groaning) I'm a patient now too. I finally have something in common with your mother aside from loving you so much.
Qing: (grinning) I love you too.
Me: (sighing) Once we had a way to manage my panic attacks, then maybe we can talk about this with our families. I don't want to keep this a secret from them as well. But I also don't want to tell them without any good news accompanying it. Lets make this a bad news, good news thing. Okay?
Qing: Okay.
I am grateful that Qing is agreeing with me. That he is respecting the fact that this is about me and my body and I have the ultimate say on how and when I will reveal this new thing in my life to our families.
I am so glad that I have Qing's support.