As Calum held me in his arms for the hundredth time, my mind trailed off, hearing the soft voices around me, but not actually listening to the words. They spoke.
You're probably a little curious as to what I have nightmares about. Well there's two things. The worst one is my ex boyfriend. His name is Alex.
Alex was a great boyfriend. He would treat me so kindly, brought me flowers and took me on romantic dates...That is until about a mouth after we started dating. He hit me. The first time he promised it was just a mistake, and that he was drunk. Yes, Alex was known for having anger problems, but he always promised that he'd never hurt me. Until it just kept happening.
I would go to school with a black eye, and Calum would always ask me what happened it was always the same. I ran into this, that happened. Lies.
I was scared to tell anyone. Scared of what people would say. I knew for sure Calum would beat the living shit out of Alex. Sometimes I wanted to tell Calum what would happen, just to watch him hit Alex back.
But this happened for months. But eventually Alex was smart and hit me in places that my clothes would cover. So people thought my 'accidents' stopped happening. When in reality they kept getting worse.
I have anxiety. I always have. I've been know to have panic attacks and I had a lot of them while dating Alex. I also had other problems.
That's where my other nightmares come in.
While I was dating Alex, I got called a lot of names.
Fat.
Whore.
Slut.
Ugly.
Pathetic.
Piece of trash.
And many more. It lead me to being anorexic. I went three weeks without food before I started having symptoms. Like passing out and stuff. After that I ate little bits of food, just enough to keep me going but not enough to have me gain weight. I still have trouble today, but Calum helps me keep a healthy diet.
The other thing...
I selfharm.
Please don't pity me, I'm not looking for pity. But I do selfharm. I get a lot of hate, and I first started because of Alex. But then things piled up and I came up with more reasons to do it. I don't like my body.
I've been getting better with the help of the band, I don't have as many urges as I used. But recently...
The fact that Ashton doesn't like me, makes me hate myself even more. I don't hate him. I act like it, because because he hates me. I actually find him quite attractive. He's quite handsome and Ive heard he could be super nice and he plays the drums like there's no tomorrow. But id never tell anyone that.
I guess he hates me because I'm ugly and disappointing. If it weren't for Calum I wouldn't be here right now.
But now I'm just curled up beside Calum. Michael's rubbing my back as Calum tells him about my past. Michael seems nice so I'm not to worried about him know all of it. Ashton left a few minutes ago. He obviously doesn't care about any of this. I'm a little happy that Michael cares.
He sighs. "Luke who knows about all of this?" He must have been referring to my past.
I shrug. "Calum, our band mate, Nicky, and now you. My mom also knows but she doesn't care."
Michael frowns. "Why's that?" Calum sighs. "She disowned him after he came out. He's been living with me since he was 15."
Michael swallowed and pulled me into a hug. I sniffled a little and hugged him back. "I'm sorry that shit happened to you Luke." He mumbles against my neck.
I nod against his shoulder. "I-its okay. It happened a long time ago. I'm a lot better now."
He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "Are you sure?" I nodded.
"I'm sure."
He nodded and got up. Calum stood up after kissing my head. "Remember you can come sleep with me if you need to okay Luke?"
I nodded again. "Okay."
He sighed before following Michael out of the room. Once the door was closed I let my tears falls. I sniffled and stood up and walked to my bathroom. I closed the door and locked it. I swallowed and pulled out my blade.
I wasn't okay...
I want to say that all of this I'm writing about Luke is not true. He's a vvv beautiful person. Also I love Liz more than anything and I have no doubt that she would support him through anything, but it's for the story ok.
~S