Warning for mention of attempted suicide. Please stay safe guys. I'll put a warning later on when it's actually mentioned. If you need a run down you can inline comment.
Tyler was laying with Josh on the former's bed as they watched a show on Netflix. Josh had gotten ungrounded a few days prior and just in time. It was Valentine's Day and the two already gave each other small presents. They didn't want to do anything big or expensive so they were just enjoying each others' company.
"J, why are we watching this?" Tyler let out a laugh. "It's so bad it's almost comical."
"Exactly! Fuller House is just like that. Plus we get to see old coked-out Danny Tanner."
"He doesn't do drugs," Tyler spoke in disbelief. "He's Danny Tanner he can't."
"Bob Saget is literally a coke addict, Ty. Or at least she asked the actress from Boy Meets Worls for coke one time."
"My whole life's been a lie. All 18 years of it," he sighed dramatically.
Josh laughed at him. "It's not a lie if you just never knew."
"Yeah well now I do now and that's something I'll have to live the rest of my immortal life knowing," he joked, not thinking anything of it.
However, he felt Josh's body tense and stiffen and he knew the smile on his face had dropped.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Tyler asked gently.
"Nothing," Josh replied quietly.
Tyler leaned forward slightly so he could pause his TV before readjusting them so Josh was facing him. It made it easier to talk. "What's wrong?" Tyler repeated.
"I don't wanna talk about it Tyler," Josh replied shortly. "It'll just ruin our day."
"It won't ruin anything. Something's obviously bothering you. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but it's gonna cause an issue between us if you don't. Secrets don't work for us."
"Why are we dating?" Josh asked, a sigh leaning his lips. He looked serious.
Tyler was taken aback by that question. "What?" His stomach started to fill with dread. "Because I love you. You love me too, right?"
Tyler knew Josh could sense his anxiety because he quickly tried to remedy things. "Yes, of course I love you too."
"Then why are you asking?"
Josh looked at him with a defeated look. It broke Tyler's heart. He wish he would have known something was bothering Josh before today. "It's pointless, Tyler. It's pointless to be dating."
"Woah," Tyler gave him a look of betrayal. "Are you breaking up with me?"
"No!" Josh assured. "I just... I had this talk with Jordan about how if you don't date to be with someone long term then you're just dating for heartbreak and—"
"Josh you can say that about any relationship," Tyler let out a humorless laugh.
"You're going to outlive me."
"We're in high school, Josh! You don't have to worry about that now!"
Josh took a deep breath. "Jordan told me you guys feel a special feeling if you know someone's the one. He said because your emotions are so amplified that when you fall in love with someone you know if it's meant to be or not. That's how he and Rylee feel about each other— that they're meant to be. Do you feel that way with me?"
Tyler looked him directly in the eye, pouring all the truth into what he had to say. "100 percent."
"Jordan also said that whoever turns you, creates a special bond between you and them. We love each other and if you were to turn me—"
"What are you asking me to do, Josh?" Tyler asked seriously.
Josh didn't reply at first. Finally, he got up the nerve to speak. "I think you should turn—"
"Absolutely not," Tyler cut him off, not letting him finish. "I'm not gonna turn you."
"C'mon, Tyler," Josh let out a sad scoff. "We both know—"
"No," he cut him off again. "The first day I met you I made a promise to Jenna, her mom, and myself that I wasn't going to let anything happen to you. You asking me to do this isn't fair."
"Tyler..."
"Remember our first date? When I freaked out and made us leave so abruptly? It was because I heard someone. I thought it was someone like me so I got you out of there as fast as I could. It probably wasn't a ranger. Remember the movies? I got there as fast I could and I made those assholes leave so they wouldn't bother you."
"But don't you see, Tyler! If you were to do it then you wouldn't have to protect me anymore. I'd be able to protect myself. Hartgate seemed like the perfect little town. It seemed like the safest place I've ever lived. Now I know there's so much hidden here. We'll probably stay here until graduation and you can show me how things work."
The mention of suicide is a few lines under this. It goes pretty in depth so please don't read if it'll make you feel unsafe.
"So you can then go back to Ohio and struggle alone?"
"I just don't get why you won't—"
"Because I tried to kill myself, Josh!" Tyler yelled at him, not caring that he was snapping. Tears filled his eyes. "That's why I know stakes don't work! I tried everything! A month after I turned I tried everything to end my fucking life!"
It was silent for a moment before Josh looked at him sadly. "I didn't know that," he spoke quietly.
"Yeah," Tyler wiped the tears from his eyes. "No one knows. Not my parents, not Jenna's parents, not even Jenna. You're the first and only person I've told that."
"What do you mean you tried everything?" Josh asked quietly.
"I tried slitting my arms open and the blood clotted too fast. I tried swallowing pills and I slept an hour longer than I usually do. I tried poisoning myself and I just threw it up because the venom that now makes up my bloodstream counteracted it. I tried shoving not only a stake I made myself but also a knife in my heart and my stomach but it clotted just like my arms did. I'm telling you I tried everything, Josh. I think the only thing that would work is setting myself on fire but I already felt too much like a failure to try."
Tyler looked up and saw Josh had tears in his eyes now. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you didn't need to know. I'm in a better place now. Jenna was right, y'know. Time heals a lot. That's why I'm not gonna turn you. You need to give things time. If we're still together a few years from now and you want to stay together forever then we'll talk about it, okay?"
Safe to read!
Josh nodded. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Tyler assured him with a sad smile. "I just don't want you to feel the way I did. I would never forgive myself and I just want what's best for you. I know we're meant to be together and it feels like we fit so perfectly but you can't make that kind of decision so hastily. You have to give things time, okay?"
Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler. "I love you," he spoke, pouring his whole heart into those words. Tyler could feel it.
"I love you too, baby."