- - -
every patient who gets bad news wants to be the exception. the one in a million. the miracle. but surgeons don't believe in miracles.
- - -
"here's our girl," alex announces, wheeling darci into lia's room where jackson and mark are stood on either side of her bed.
"hi, sweetie," lia smiles as she holds her arms out in a grabbing motion towards the crib. "gimme, gimme, gimme."
"darci is gaining weight right on schedule," alex informs the three parents as he picks her up and passes her to lia. "she's healthy and fat."
"fat baby," mark coos proudly over darci, as jackson and alex fist bump.
"and healthy enough to go home today," alex adds, and lia's smile fades as she looks up to alex.
"yeah?" jackson raises his brow.
"are you sure she's ready?" lia frowns. "what about her respirations? i thought i-"
"lia, you can take your kid home," alex cuts her off, as his phone goes off in his pocket. he slides it out to check it quickly. "look, i gotta go. congrats on the fat baby."
"okay, yeah, thanks," mark nods as alex walks out. he then looks back to lia who is still frowning. "why the face?"
"it's a good thing," jackson reminds her.
"not for me," lia sighs, not taking her eyes off darci.
"what do you mean?" mark tilts his head to the side as he takes a seat on her bed, tracing over her hands that are cradling darci with his fingertips.
"my incision opened back up. they want to do wound therapy," lia explains. "darci's going home. but i'm not."
■ ■ ■
jackson and mark are packing up darci's things in lia's hospital room, whilst darci is sat strapped into a car seat and lia is lying in her bed.
"when you get home, just put her in her little yellow onesie with the frogs on," lia tells them, her voice breaking as she does so. "that was her going home from the hospital onesie."
"i know. i'll take pictures," jackson nods and lia begins to sob.
"hey," mark soothes, placing a hand on her leg.
"she's going home without me," lia cries, not taking her eyes off her.
"yeah," mark says softly. "and what did we just say about that?"
"the important thing is that she's healthy and i'm healthy," lia rolls her eyes.
"exactly," mark squeezes her thigh gently.
"that's crap!" lia snaps, and both mark and jackson raise their brows at her. "she's supposed to be with me- bonding and attaching or whatever. smelling me like birds and dogs."
"birds and dogs?" jackson furrows his brow.
"shut up. it's nature," lia begins to sob again. "how's she gonna attach to me when she's there and i'm here?"
"you're gonna be discharged soon," mark attempts to reassure her.
"and then what?" lia continues to freak out. "i'm still gonna be in recovery. you both know the ins and outs of post-op incisions. i'm not even gonna be able to pick her up with- without help. i'm gonna have to hire someone to come and take care of her, some mama bird who smells good and bonds with my baby while i just lie there and watch. you know what? you should both just go."
"i'm not going anywhere while you're this upset," mark dismisses her as she brings her hands up to her face.
"you have to because i'm not gonna stop," lia insists, throwing her hands back down onto the bed. "i'm just gonna die of dehydration."
"shh, shh," mark soothes, rubbing her thigh. "it's gonna be alright, you know."
"get out," lia snaps again, still sobbing.
"i can stay if you want me to, and avery can take darci home?" mark offers as jackson picks up darci's bag. "he can take care of the baby, and i can take care of you."
"no, because then i still won't have my baby," lia frantically sobs. "just both of you, go! get out!"
mark's eyes go wide, and he holds his hands up in defeat as he stands from her bed. he then picks up the car seat, and follows jackson out of her room as she continues to sob as she watches them.
■ ■ ■
"you're still crying?" mark asks lia over the phone is disbelief, as he and jackson are settling darci into his and lia's apartment.
"of course i'm still crying," lia shakes her head.
"lia, come on, okay, baby?" mark says softly. "avery and i are gonna bring her by every single day at the hospital. we already talked about it. it's gonna
give you chance to read over your fellowship work, and then you'll be all ready to jump back in."
"but i didn't think i was going to be taking this much time off, and nicole is dying," lia sobs. "i need to be in the o.r, and i need my baby."
"it's gonna be okay," he soothes. "if anyone can do this, it's you. i have never met someone as strong, and brave, and smart, and beautiful as you, alivia webber. we will get through this together. but you can't shut me out, okay?"
"okay," lia agrees, her voice shaky.
"i love you," mark tells her.
"i love you," she repeats before hanging up the phone, and throwing it down onto her lap before she begins crying again.
■ ■ ■
"yeah, she just won't go back to sleep," jackson tells lia over facetime as mark holds darci beside him.
"well, let- let me try," lia suggests, and jackson adjusts his phone so the camera is solely on darci, rather than all three of them. "can she- can she hear me? is the sound okay?"
"yeah, yeah, she can hear you," mark assures her.
"well, i guess it'd be nice if i could touch your body. i know not everybody has got a body like you," lia begins to softly sing 'faith', using her finger to stroke darci's image on her ipad. "but i gotta think twice before i give my heart away, and i know all the games you play, 'cause i play them too. oh, but i need some time off from that emotion. time to pick my heart up off the floor. and when that love comes down without devotion, well, it takes a strong man, baby. but i'm showing you the door. 'cause i gotta have faith. i gotta have faith. i gotta have faith, faith, faith."
as lia is singing, mark gently rocks darci in his arms as she begins to slowly fall back to sleep at the sound of lia's voice. lia continues to sing until she knows that darci is fast asleep.
■ ■ ■
"i thought this little one got to go home," richard says, beginning to fuss over his granddaughter who is currently in mark's arms, as they stand outside lia's room in the hospital.
"uh, yeah, she did," mark tells him. "we're just back visiting mommy."
"may i?" richard chuckles.
"sure," mark nods, passing her over to richard. "there we go."
"how is alivia?" richard asks mark, but keeps his eyes fixed on darci. "i was just on my way to check on her."
"well, she was up all night crying," mark admits. "you know, avery and i took darci home, so she misses her. she's sad and angry and she doesn't really want any help from me. she just wants me to look after darci."
"i know, my daughter. she won't want to ask for help," richard tells him. "i'm the same. needing to prove i can do something on my own, determined not to ask for help."
"yeah, well i can't make her lean on me," mark huffs.
"be persistent," richard advises, looking back down at his granddaughter. "it's what you do for family."
- - -
we have to make them happen. miracles aren't always huge. the fever breaks, the stitch holds, the bone heals. that's why they can be so hard to spot and why they can be such a pain in the ass.
- - -
jackson exhales deeply as he stands in the doorway of lia's hospital room, where she is sat in bed cradling darci.
"i guess it's time for you to get going," lia sighs at darci as jackson approaches the bed. she then carefully passes darci to jackson, biting her lip to stop herself from crying again. jackson begins walking to the door, but he's hesitant and lingers. "what?"
"i know you have sloan, and your dad, and an army of sisters that are all here for you," he tells her, turning back around. "which is the reason you want me to put all my focus into darci. but i am here, if you need anything."
"jackson, i don't need-" lia protests.
"just think about it, okay?" he cuts her off.
"okay," lia rolls her eyes, not wanting people to fuss over her. she could take care of herself, but darci couldn't.
"she said okay," jackson says in a baby voice to darci who coos in response as he carries her out of lia's room.
- - -
don't get me wrong. tiny miracles are great. a little miracle's a miracle. it just may not be enough to save us.
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