NORMAN
"You Ok, pal?"
Andy wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we stood in the wings of the stage. Waiting for Chris Hardwick to call my name.
"Fucking awesome....couldn't be better" I grin back.
This time I can say it. And for the first time in like....forever? Actually mean it one hundred percent.
Still can't explain what the fuck happened?
One minute....I was standing there. As far away from everyone as I could get. Trying desperately to stop one total bitch of a panic attack from bringing me to my knees.
The next thing I remember is the silky softness of material under my brow. Seeing an expanse of white before my eyes and the scent of lemony-ginger filling my nose.
And feeling like I've had either the most incredible power nap of my life. Or the best roll in the hay....ever. All I know is, that the outcome was the same.
Like every muscle in my body became limpid. My mind fully rebooted and its recycle bin emptied of all the shit that's been whipping itself into a runaway frenzy.
Dunno how on earth Skip realised something huge was reaming me out or what she did to make it all go away? But she did. Fuck me, did she ever!
*
"Our next guest tonight really needs no introduction. Over the course of the last three seasons, his character has become a firm fan favourite...."
Standing in the wings my attention is diverted by five pings in quick succession. Fin's text notifications.
"What the....?"
I fished the cell out of my jacket pocket and quickly unlock it. Fully expecting my panic will try to find something to grip onto again.
It never even lifts a finger as I read her messages.
Fin: Rock this joint. Cos you own it, Daggy!
Fin: I've got your back now. And if any of those little demons tattooed on it crawl inside your head, then start fucking with it again? WE will slam dunk those gombeens straight back to hell where they feckin belong. Understood?
Fin: The only little divil who'll have court time against Norman Reedus for the next year is me. My sincere apologies in advance.
Didn't think my smile could get any bigger than it already is, but it sure just did.
Fin: P.S. If anyone asks who did your makeup? Tell them it was your own personal stylist.
Huh?
Fin: P.P.S. Are these the tits you were talking about?
The old tongue did a backflip down my throat this time. As I gape at the selfie she must've taken in the Ladies.
The neckline of Fin's gown is pulled out enough to display the tops of her breasts. Cosily snuggled into the white satiny material that surrounds them.
Jeezus....she's the same colour all over? What I wouldn't give to find out.
Fin: P.P.P.S. Your nose should be so lucky.
"You're on lover boy....move!"
Andy kissed my head and then shoved me on stage. Just as my finger hit send on my response.
Me: That sounds suspiciously like a dare, Ms Gallagher. Challenge gladly accepted. Are your knickers tiny, white and disposable....like your bra obviously was?
Only had enough time to glance at her answer then throw the phone back in my pocket. Before Chris thrust his hand in mine and we hugged.
Fin: Ask Mel. I'm sure her answer will be the same as mine 😏
*
When I turned to start waving at the screaming crowd, the beaming smile and laughter coming out of my throat isn't forced. My heart isn't pounding away like a death metal drummer. And I don't feel like I'm gonna throw up on the first few rows of fans.
Well, old son. You don't need to worry about keeping your public mask in place this time to get through it. In fact? You can probably throw the fucking thing away I reckon!
Once the roar of welcome settled, I flopped down in the vacant seat next to Mel. Chris doesn't waste any time cutting to the chase.
"Norman, I see you've been uh....hitting the makeup counters at Sak's again? Personally, I'm a plum-matte myself. But you've got some very nice gloss action going on there."
"So tell me....are you a Maybelline or a Revlon?"
"What....?"
Thought the guy is off his tree until Mel leaned over and handed me a tissue. Miming at me to wipe my mouth while she tried to smother the huge smirk on hers.
Oh. Well played, my little divil....well played indeed 💋
"Actually, it's a new Australian brand called 'Skip'. And this shade is called, ummmm....'Dag'. A Reedus exclusive and you won't find it on the shelves. For my lips only."
"Well, I'm sure your fans here tonight will be disappointed you won't share. Now, before we chat about what Daryl's been up to so far this season? There's been some talk on the red carpet outside. That another Reedus exclusive is about to be revealed."
"Care to give us a sneak preview, Norman?"
There are quite a few whoops of anticipation. Not too sure what kind of reveal the crowd is expecting?
Felt Mel's hand on my back giving me a rub of encouragement. When I glanced over at her, she just smiled and nodded.
My eyes searched the audience. Quickly locate Fin, who's sitting about thirty feet away.
"Got your back, Daggy" She mouthed.
Funnily enough, that answers the very same question she asked a couple of months ago. The day we went on our first ride together.
Why me?
Guess I knew it even then....that she always will. Have my back that is.
"Yeah, Ok. This afternoon I popped the big question to my little divil. And well, fuck me....she said yes. Go figure, huh?"
Ummmm....think I just bought the house down?
*
Ming: DAD YOU WERE AWESOME! Mom and Paul said WTFG! Oh and to give Fin a big kiss from all of us and to tell her that she looks gorgeous and....and....
Me: Thanks kiddo. You got it right on the nose. I'm marrying my best friend. You still Ok with all this, pal?
Ming: Feck yeah. See you next weekend. Love you, Dad....love Fin heaps too.
Me: Back atcha Mingo, night little man.
Finished texting and then returned to our table.
My head swooped down and I kissed the back of Skip's neck, before planting my butt beside her. Draped an arm comfortably around her shoulders.
Fin kept her concentration on whatever Em is telling her. But the gentle squeeze of her hand on my knee lets me know....she's trucking along just fine.
"Reckon we can start on the good stuff since we've behaved ourselves so far. What say ye, merry gentlemen?"
Scott waved a bottle of his favourite tipple and glasses eagerly beckoned in return around our table. Mine included.
We made it an unspoken rule last year. That on formal functions for AMC where our better-halves are invited to come along? We'll hang back on the serious partying until a couple of courses line our stomachs.
It's a hard sacrifice, but sometimes you gotta make them to keep the peace. And maintain marital harmony 😄
Never dreamt that one Norman Mark Reedus would soon be joining the ranks of the Walking Wedded?
But at least now the jackets can come off. Belts loosened and self-congrats can finally be uttered....that we've all survived to play another day. Almost all of us?
Wasn't expecting the gloves to come off and claws be extended towards Fin so soon though. And certainly not by one of our own?
Nah!
Mel is deffo wrong this time, allowing her own dislike to cloud her judgement. What happened wasn't deliberate. Only a clumsy accident....just like she said.
Had to be? Cos the alternative is unthinkable.
*
"Well....well. It's almost like an engagement party over here at this table, isn't it. That was quite an announcement of yours, Norm darling. Is this the blushing bride-to-be? And wearing white already I see. How....optimistic."
Obviously, someone never got the memo about partying hard before the party has even begun. She already looks a bit glazed and unsteady.
"Hey, Laurie. Yep, this is my little...."
She cut my introduction off and bent over. Reached out and gripped Fin's hand....which tried to clutch my thigh before being forcibly dragged away.
"So, show me the ring then. Need to see it for myself before I'll believe....OH MY GOD! " She screeched.
"That's a fucking blue diamond! They're like....like priceless...."
Fin let out a strangled gasp and I thought it was in reaction to Laurie's yell. But when I glimpse her face, it's full of horror. And her eyes are staring down at her lap.
"Oh dear. I'm just soooo clumsy. Silly me...."
"Fin! No....your beautiful dress....no...." Emily's voice quavered as she reached out frantically to grab a serviette.
Skip's chair scooted back. The lake of ruby-red wine pooling on the material near her knees, streamed down one side of her gown. Dripped to the floor.
I got to my feet in a millisecond. Pulling her with me and holding her dress up slightly, as I've seen her do when she walks.
"Skip, we'll fix it. C'mon, baby....up you come. No. I got this thanks, Mel."
She'd rushed over from the other side of Em to try and help. But I know Fin will probably succumb to tears if she goes all 'mother hen' on her.
"It was an accident, honestly" Laurie's voice whined.
I left her and Mel to have at it, as I led Fin to the Lady's.
"Accident? Bullshit! You hate red wine, never touch the stuff. Not until tonight. You little...."
*
Luckily, we didn't surprise anyone in the restroom.
And it stayed that way while she sat on a tiny seat, and I worked in silence. Trying to sponge out the stain with the salt and soda water which one of the wait staff kindly brought to me.
Eventually though, I had to admit defeat.
"M'sorry, baby....it's set. You looked so damned gorgeous in it too. But we'll get you another, I promise."
"Isn't your fault, Daggy. And I love that you tried....thank you. I've got an idea though. How about you make me another? Reckon you can find some scissors?"
Her smile is wobbly as all fuck, but it's a brave and true smile. I take it with me, as I rush off on my mission.
"Sure you want me to do this? I mean, it's gonna be hell short."
When I return, I'm hesitant in making the first cut. Just above where the stain starts at mid-thigh.
"Shoulda known, huh! All that talk of yours about wanting to cop eyefuls and mouthfuls was just hot air. The opportunity to cut my dress off is handed to you on a silver platter. Yet here you are, knocking it back...."
Didn't get to finish her sentence. Cos I was on my knees and doing my best Edward Scissorhands impersonation. Before she changed her mind and did it herself.
"What's wrong?" Fin whispered.
I make it as far as the seam just a few inches below her butt....and hesitate. Then gulp loudly when I ease the material away from her curves. So I won't accidentally slice skin.
Georgia peaches....so sweet and juicy....
"Granny knickers be damned! You're not wearing any fucking knickers at all. Are you, me little divil?" I growl, finishing the task in quadruple quick time and getting hastily....shakily to my feet.
Because I'm scared I'll lose sight of the fact that this is all pretence. And thrust my head under what's left of the fabric covering her thighs. Start chowing down on that dessert buffet I visualised when I first kissed her.
Fin grabbed hold of my arm for balance. Stepped out of the dress remnant pooled around her ankles, then kicked up her toe. Snagging the material as it flew up into the air.
She tossed it into a waste bin and then did another slow pirouette in front of the full-length mirror. Stretching those long racehorse legs of hers. Before smoothing down the fabric over her bum.
"Nice job, Daggy! Ed's would be hell-impressed. I know I am. But if you hadn't rushed to finish the job? You probably could've answered your own question. Now I guess....you'll never know."
Her sigh is theatrical. As is the pouty look of sympathy she put on her face when she gazed at my reflection in the mirror.
"Two dares in one night, huh? Think I'll follow my nose first. Cos it's feeling....lucky" I start to move forward.
*BANGBANGBANGBANG*
"C'mon you two! The party's started and there's a queue of desperate ladies out here crossing their legs. While you're both in there wasting our serious drinking time. Go get a room....or wait until your wedding night."
"NOW MOVE!" Gael yelled.
*
I followed Fin back to our table. The room is now darker yet full of flashing lights, blaring music and laughter.
My eyes stay glued on her gently swaying ass the whole way.
She pulled out a chair between Andy and Steve then pushed me down on it. Grabbed a glass of scotch from a passing waiter and shoved it in my hands.
"Didn't you hear Gael....dear? Party time! So stick your lucky nose in that."
"Hey Em, Jo....let's ditch the bloody heels and make some feckin moves. Whaddya say?"
Three pairs of eyes follow them this time. As they wrap their arms around each other and tumble in a fit of giggles over to the dance floor.
"I'm totally fucked....aren't I?"
Didn't realise I'd said this out loud. Not until I noticed the nods of happy commiseration out of the corner of each eye. No, strike that....they're more like nods full of schadenfreude.
Pricks! 🤣
Also didn't realise I'm grinning from ear to ear. Until I raise the glass to my lips....and stick my lucky nose into it.
*
I....WANT....TO....DIE.
One eyelid peeled open. Just in time to see the blurring of a tongue as it lapped its slobbery way all over my face.
"Puppy! You've just spent the last ten minutes licking your bum hole. So leave poor Norman's face alone."
It only took me six seconds. To race into the bathroom, drop my boxers, turn the shower on full and start scrubbing frantically.
Cover my ugly mug in mud, fake blood, walker guts or makeup? Hell anything at all, and I'll take it.
Except baby puke....and dog butt.
I dried off and tugged Fin's wrap around me before stumbling out. Falling face-first back down on her bed. A pair of hands gently twists my head, so I won't suffocate in the mattress.
"Mouth....straw....swallow."
Feel the tablets go down my throat and then it's repeated, but with coffee this time.
"How did I get here?"
My voice sounds like a broken-down outboard motor. And I realise I must've had one hell of a good time last night.
"Weeeellll....when a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much? They get naked and show each other their pee-pees. And when their pee-pees kiss, they sometimes make a baby. Then the baby grows up and...."
"Feckin smartass. You really need to brush up on your Sex-Ed Biology lessons. You're damned lucky I'm still half-cut. Otherwise, I'd start teaching you right now!"
Rolling over I grab Fin, drag her onto the bed and wrap her up in me.
The hot shower, caffeine and headache tablets are sloooowly starting to work their combined magic.
"Yeah, you're basically munted still. The guys turned the after-dinner party into a engagement do of sorts. Lou was worried about you barfing in his cousin's limo before he could get you home. So we poured you down the steps and into here instead."
"Oh, and Puppy didn't really lick his butt. I just needed to get you awake and in the shower. Was the only inducement I could think of. Sorry."
"You don't sound very apologetic, but I'm in a relatively forgiving mood. All things considered, did you have a good time yesterday?" I feel her head nod against my arm.
"Was a bloody long and action-packed one though. Glad we're not driving down to Georgia until tomorrow, cos I'm buggered."
"I'm pretty much all packed up now though. Do you have much left to do? Need a hand with anything?" Fin offered.
"Nah, I got stuff that stays both here and there. When the house is ready it'll just be my personal shit from the rental that we'll need to ferry over. Once we fill it up with new furniture and that."
"Logistics still....but we'll work it out as we go" I snuggle my head down until we're facing each other, nose to nose.
"Think it's gonna be a good year, Skip. Once everything is done and we settle in. You got my back and I got yours....we'll make it all work."
"Yeah, we will. I just...." She hesitated but only for a split second.
"I just wish....you'd told me. Did you think knowing about it would make me run screaming for the hills? Or think less of you?"
"No, I suppose I didn't think it was even gonna be an issue. Just like any previous partners you've had? I don't wanna know about them."
Surely we're not going to fake jealousy as well?
"Look, she was a huge mistake on my part. A short one at that. But we've moved on. Still work together, have stayed friends. And I'm pretty sure it really was just an accident."
"Don't let it put you off getting to know each other....Ok?"
"Okaaaay. You thought I was asking about that Laurie, right? Well, thanks for sharing....I think. But your assumption way missed the target."
"So, moving right along...."
When Fin put her hand on my chest and touched her forehead to mine? The penny dropped.
"Oh....that" It came out as a choked whisper.
"Yeah, that. Please don't be scared. I'm only gonna ask you just one thing. Nothing more than that, I swear."
All I can do is close my eyes and nod.
Been down this road before and I know what's coming. Just wish it wasn't coming from Fin is all.
Thought she was gonna be different to all the others? And not push me down the pseudo-psychoanalysis bullshit route. Trying to help me work out....why I am the way I am sometimes.
I honestly thought she was different? Especially after what she's already done for me and those texts she sent to bolster me up. I could've sworn she understood and would never ask me that one unanswerable question.
Why?
How can I ever answer....when I don't even fucking know 😖
"Bunyip."
What on earth....is that the name of a therapist or something? A deep breathing technique maybe?
"Just that one word is all I'm asking of you, Norman. It's the only word you'll ever need to say to me, and I'll know. No matter who's around. Whenever, wherever and however many times you need to say it."
"No pretending....not to me. You say it? I'll know and I'll be there, I swear. Please? "
Whatever I was expecting to come out of her mouth, that sure as fuck wasn't it.
"Bunyip" I repeat softly, feeling her nod again.
Eventually, I return it.
"What's your word then, Skip?" Her pause is barely discernible.
"Malingee."
I took a punt on asking and my hunch was correct.
Skip knows herself....that it's an unanswerable question. So she'll never ask it of me.
🫠
Dictionary
Gombeen (Irish) - Wheeler-dealer. Someone who looks after their own interests at other's expense
Bunyip - Aboriginal mythical creature who lurks in swamps or waterways. A devil or evil spirit
Malingee - Aboriginal mythical creature who's usually nocturnal and slays its victims with a knife. A malignant spirit