FIN
"Welcome to the family, darling! I'm Mel and I've....we've all been dying to meet you."
Norman led me over to the excited gathering of his colleagues. I was immediately engulfed in the bone-crushing embrace of a smiling older woman. With stunning short steel-grey hair and cheeky eyes.
She eventually let me go but kept a tight grip on my hands. Mel tilted her head....gazing at me knowingly.
"You'd think we'd be used to it by now. Yet three years on and all this hullabaloo still makes my head spin. What's going through yours, honey?"
My mouth opened. Thank goodness my brain reconnected a split second before any words can come forth. Because I was just about to let my thoughts spill out unheeded.
And they've got no connection whatsoever to the event itself. Nor the crowd of people surrounding us, the fans or even the media.
*
I knew it was going to happen sometime tonight. We'd discussed it after all.
And even though I'm kind of getting used to having my hand held constantly and being hugged. Having kisses bestowed on my cheeks and forehead in public. And in private.
Nothing on this earth could've prepared me for....
When Norman's lips touched mine?
The sub-atom-sized piece of the world that used to belong to me, stopped spinning on its axis. Came to a complete standstill.
My eyes fluttered to a close as did my head. And for the next few seconds or so? All I became aware of was the sound of my heart thumping crazily in my chest. And of his mouth tentatively....gently exploring mine.
I tasted lingering traces of tobacco underneath spearmint. That adorable dag must've popped a Tic-Tac just before he got out of the car?
Think it only lasted five seconds....could've been five minutes for all I know. I wished like crazy that he'd never ever stop.
So this one perfect moment in time would last me forever.
Just like pink sunsets turning purple or sleepy doggy sighs. Children's giggles when their feet hit the dirt as they jump off a swing. Feeling a horse's flanks gather momentum at the exact moment a canter turns into a gallop.
And first kisses....
It did end though 😔
When he slowly pulled back, Norman re-arranged his features into a smile that almost swallowed his face up. His eyes were full of....no idea really.
And all I could think of was....
'Oh, shite. What've you gone and done to yourself now, Fin?'
*
"Sorry, Mel. I slipped into the gobsmacked zone for a minute there. I'm just wondering if there's a place nearby that sells adult diapers? Cos I'm guessing they'll be coming in very handy shortly."
"Bet they'll be more comfortable than this damned G-string too that's for sure. I swear it's on a feckin search and destroy mission!"
I surreptitiously tweaked as she hooted with laughter.
"Visible panty line be damned, huh? Take it from me, Fin. By your third red carpet, you'll be gladly rocking the granny undies. They mightn't look elegant, but those buggers can hide a multitude of sins."
"Just like some people I know. Sincere word of advice, honey. Watch this one like a hawk and don't take any of her crap...."
Mel's eyes narrowed as she squinted over my shoulder. Before I can turn my head to see who she's shooting daggers at? Norman bounced his way back to us.
"Now don't go getting jealous, ladies. I just gotta spread the love to some very special girls. I'll be right back."
He planted another smacker on my head before heading over to the rope line. Crouched down and started taking pics with a bunch of giggling six year old's.
They were all dolled up as mini-ghouls and he hammed it up with them. Lying down so they could growl and climb all over him.
"I'll catch up with you some more at dinner, but I just can't wait until then to say this. I think what you're doing for Norm and Mingus is....Oh I just don't have words for it."
"Thank you, Fin. He's such an amazing friend and not just to me. Seeing him go through what he has recently? I can't begin to tell you how grateful we all are that you're helping him out."
I was swept up again in her embrace and her shaky whisper made its way into my ear.
"You're our friend as well now, honey. Don't you ever forget that."
I don't trust my mouth to respond. Know if I open it, I'll probably burst into tears. So I simply nod my head and bite the inside of my lips to stop them wobbling.
Norman told me she's very special and he wasn't exaggerating. I just wasn't expecting such unconditional and wholehearted acceptance straight up.
"FIN! Thank heavens I found you! Oh, sweets....don't you look gorgeous? C'mon with me and I'll get some intro's going with the other WAGs, while this lot do their stuff."
Mel blew me a kiss before Gael dragged us inside the arena. Started reeling off names while I tried hard to keep up with matching them to faces.
*
The relative peace inside the green room was a soothing balm after the frantic hubbub of outside.
It wasn't long before Gael, myself and Joana found some seats in a quiet corner. And I was officially welcomed as the newest member of the 'Footy' club.
No. Not rugby, soccer....or even Aussie rules.
In this one? The heels came off for a few blissful minutes. As traumatised soles and tootsies were massaged back to life before the next round starts.
And that's when I have my first epiphany....
MANOLO CAN GO AND STICK HIS BLOODY BLAHNIK'S WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!
I'm pretty sure Norman won't kick up too much of a fuss....if I wear Ugg boots to red-carpet events from now on.
The second?
Mel is bang-on right! Big undies are a deffo from now on. No more sneaky tugs to try and retrieve taut string from my clacker.
The third isn't so much as an epiphany. But a gradual realisation, that repeatedly twists my heart inside out.
He's absolutely and completely beyond terrified?
Norman had just returned from his third smoke in less than twenty minutes. Before that? He'd begun four conversations then reeled away from each, barely ten seconds later. Picked up numerous glasses of scotch only to put them down again elsewhere, hardly touched.
Zipped around the room like a demented pinball, with the wait staff having one hell of a time trying to keep up with him.
And he'd kissed me no less than a dozen times on my forehead while whizzing by.
Now? He's over in one corner. Making an absolute meal of his cuticles while his feet wear circles in the carpet.
How could I have been so blind?
I thought it was just a build-up of stress that's finally getting to him, despite his usual teasing and joking. Worrying about introducing me to the remainder of his workmates. People he adores and spends so much of his life with.
Asking me to officially marry him, the red carpet debut as a proper couple. Our first kiss.
Hell, if I'm quaking in my stilettos....then what's all this strain doing to him?
But that's not it at all. Well, not the biggest part of it anyways.
Over the past couple of months, I've seen just how much Norman truly adores his fans. He's tried so hard to stop that tiny minority of hardcore feckers from ruining it for everyone else.
And he gives everything he can back in return, to thank them for their support. Nothing is ever an act or an imposition. He truly respects and appreciates them with every loveable, eejit bone in his body. Goes out of his way to make them all happy.
Just like he does for me....
But all the fan stuff I've encountered so far has been....manageable? Small scale and not a full-on frenetic mob like it is outside. Or how it'll be inside the arena I'm betting.
Mix that with thousands of cameras in his face? An interview in front of an audience and on live TV, with an audience of millions?
Nowhere to run....no place to curl up and hide.
*
I make my excuses to Gael and Jo. Before picking my way across the crowded room to another group. Not taking my eyes off Norman for a second, lest he do a runner....again.
"Andy?"
"Hey, Fin! I hope my missus hasn't corrupted your tastebuds with that shit Pinot she insists everyone should try. Better if you just stay with us until curtain call....much safer."
"Cos if you have false teeth? I reckon they'll erode after two glasses...."
His eyes finally followed mine and his chirpy British voice ground to a halt. When he started talking again? His tone was one that's full of pure, helpless pain.
"We've tried everything we can think of....short of pumping him full of meds or booze."
"It's getting worse each time" Mel cut in.
"Put him in front of a camera and the crew on set? He brings the house down. A party with his friends or people he's comfortable with? No problem. A few fans? He's a big sook and will go to the ends of the earth for them."
"But with thousands of people all in one place, the cameras and spotlights zooming on him? He drowns. And even though he's surrounded by people who love him....we don't know how to fucking help him. Cos he pretends it's not happening!"
"Oh shoot, where's my damn tissues...." Her face clenched as she scrabbled in her little evening bag.
"Just leave him be, sweetheart. It's only fifteen minutes until he's on stage. That's another four cigarettes by my reckoning. Once he's finally out there it gets a bit better. Then he parties hard afterward, until it's all gone again."
"No....Fin don't" I ignored Greg completely as my feet moved once more.
Couldn't help it. I can't....won't just stand by and not try at least?
HE wouldn't!
My poor, precious eejit is not brave either. And I know only too well what that does to you on the inside.
How it makes you feel, when your life is no longer yours to control anymore.
When you come to doubt yourself and everything you believe in so much? All you wanna do is to become....invisible. Hide it inside so no one else will ever feel the way you do. Or even worse....poke fun of the fears that make you want to shrivel up and die.
Yet even if my worst nightmares are all added up together?
Their sum total could still never kick me in the guts, not like Norman's are doing to him right now 😢
*
"Hey, Daggy....are you going Ok?"
My arms slid around his waist from behind as my chin nestled itself onto his shoulder. I feel the tension thrumming through every muscle Norman possesses. His chest is hitching in stuttery bursts.
"Me? I'm feeling fuckin awesome. Couldn't be better, Skip. Everything is great....just great...."
The manic bravado in his voice doesn't quite make it to his face. When he turned around to tug me in close? Norman's cheeks pulled his mouth into a rictus of a smile that'd make The Joker proud.
"Don't! Please don't?"
I keep my voice quiet and gentle, yet I can't stop the huge hint of begging. Especially once I recognise the haunted....and hunted glimmer in his eyes.
Before he dropped them to stare at his shoes.
"Don't do that, babe. Don't pretend, not with me. Never, ever when you're with me....please? "
"Shhhh, just close your eyes. I got you now. Shhhh...."
Dropping my clutch purse unheeded to the floor, one hand quickly snuck around to the back of his neck. Drew his forehead down to mine, as the other placed itself firmly in the centre of his chest.
Can feel his heart under my palm. Beating faster than a rabbit who'd narrowly evaded the jaws of a fox.
He can no more fight than take flight anymore. Norman has almost reached the edge of his abyss. And there's no feckin way I'm gonna let him fall in by himself.
My fingertips gently yet firmly burrow their way under his hair. Begin their journey, up then down the indentation between his skull and the tip of his spine.
Over and over they go, just as Kami's used to when I was little. After I'd wake up in the throes of some night terror or other.
Too long ago to remember what they were. But never long enough ago to forget the feelings left behind.
No, that's a lie. I remember damn well, all right. Too well....
And like Kamis....Aunty Nin's? My body starts to slowly sway, almost imperceptibly. Just a couple of inches....side to side. While I softly hum the tune that has no name. Yet it's as much a part of me as the skin I was born in.
Norman began to move right along with me as if hypnotised.
It only took a few minutes for his breathing to sync with every soft roll. And his heart rate slowed down to match the pace of my stroking fingers.
I didn't stop though. Because once you start? You don't ever stop.
Ever! Not until it's all over.
*
When I eventually felt the bump of a nose on mine, that's when I knew. That his uninvited hitchhikers have finally retracted their ugly claws from his mind. Fled the scene to go party elsewhere.
I still didn't stop, though....kept on going. Until his voice let me know, that he'd found his way back to himself once more. His real self.
"What in the hell just happened, Fin? I feel like....Oh fuck....I feel....Jeezus...."
Norman's dumbstruck whisper faded out as his head slid down even further. Until my lips rested themselves on his hair.
I grab the tiny window of opportunity. Rub my cheek and nose over the deceptively silky strands while breathing him in. Stupidly believing that little action will bring me some small comfort as well.
Yep. You've really done a job on yourself now, Yindi Killara! But it was worth the price you'll be paying forever. He's back and that's all that matters.
He didn't move. Even when Fritzi, his P.A....reluctantly appeared beside us.
"Ummmm, really sorry to interrupt. But it's fifteen minutes until your intro, Norm. Fin? I'll be back in a few to escort you to the mosh pit. Gael has saved you a seat."
"Man! I didn't know Xanax came bottled up in an evening gown...." She shook her head in amazement and threw a small smile of disbelief at Norman.
She sped off so fast, I didn't even get a chance to say thanks.
It's then I notice that the room had pretty much emptied while we were in our little time-out. The deafening sound of a cheering crowd seeps into our previous cocoon of silence.
Andy, Mel, Greg and Scott are standing near a set of curtains. Silently and solemly gazing our way. Their looks of sorrow and concern turn to absolute relief....when I give them a tiny nod.
"Let's try this again, shall we? Hey, Daggy....you going Ok? " I whispered gently.
"NO. And it's all your damned fucking fault, Skip!" He whined back and my mouth spluttered open in shock.
But....I could've sworn he....
"If you were still wearing the dress that Emil had oozed you into? My nose would be buried between your tits and I'd be licking your belly button by now, I reckon. You inconsiderate little divil!"
Norman bent over to pick up my clutch, and I almost brained him with it....for frightening me like that.
"Why, you bloody gobshi...."
The kiss that cut off my oath is quick, hard and deep this time. Except it still has the same effect on me as the first one did....and bloody then some.
"Feckin harpy!"
He mizzled off. Giving me a wink while mouthing an earnest 'Thank you, sweetheart'. And I almost forgave him for his teasing.
Almost....and I don't feel one bit guilty about not pointing out to him.
That most of my lipstick and gloss has now transferred itself to his big gob 🫦
*
I used the few minutes given to me by Fritzi to full advantage....by dashing to the Ladies. When I emerge, Andy and Norman are the last two left standing.
I fist-bump the former and goose the latter. Whose grin in return is almost back to its cheeky self. Apart from an unusually shiny, tinted hue 😏
Fritzi scuttled my exhausted butt out to where all the other partners and invited guests are settled. It's only then that I finally comprehend why Norman came so close to a total meltdown.
I thought the Gardens had been packed whenever we came here to watch the basketball with Ming. The crowd seems double that now.
And a lot scarier, as most appear to be resembling cadavers on legs. I really need to get my ass into gear and start watching this show. Before I make a complete fool of myself.
My fingers fly over my phone as the screaming of fans fills the stadium. And the Talking Dead host starts his lead-in for Norman's intro.
"You ready, Fin? It's showtime!"
Gael all but yelled into my ear and gave my arm an excited squeeze. Then turned her attention back to the stage.
So she never saw the tiny shake of my head. And as the shrieks got louder....she didn't hear my whispered response either.
"Too late for ready. It's happened, except....I didn't even realise. But a promise is a promise, isn't it? And I've just made him one."
I'd give anything to hear Kami's hum in my head right now. Instead of the howls and growls coming from thousands of strangers.
It's way too late now, Fin. It's happened. And there's not a bloody thing you can do....but learn to live with it.
Forever 🥺