Since you have been so kind to me by voting so much, here is an early update.
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I didn't want to lose another person that I love.
Another person that I love.
I Love.
Alexa placed her hands on her ears. Pfft! As if covering her ears would make the words go away. They were boggling her for the past seven days. Days and nights to be honest. Even sitting in the Great Hall at the prime time didn't help her blocking those words.
Idiot! She cursed herself.
Worthless piece of humanity! She cursed herself more.
Shaking her head, she couldn't yet believe that she said what she did. It had been long since she realized that Tom was an important part of her life. It had taken that damned conversation for her to figure out how big exactly this part was.
She couldn't believe herself. Her face still turned red in embarrassment.
What would he be thinking about her, she wondered. Her lips turned in disgust as she contemplated all the reactions he must have given her. She couldn't stay and witness them herself then. She couldn't do that now. A frown between her eyebrows deepened with every reaction that she imagined. Why wouldn't it, when every next reaction was worse than the previous one.
Her pale fingers adjusted her wig for the nth time. Thanks to the persistent embarrassment she had to face owing to her idiotic antics, her hairs had been pink for the last week. Despite the chattering of people around her, she felt so alone. This was all his fault. Damn Tom Riddle. Damn the emotions he aroused.
A deep sigh escaped her lips as she looked down at the open book in front of her. With squinted eyes, she tried to concentrate on the words in it for the umpteenth time. Fruitlessly. Since her confession, she had been keeping a distance from the Slytherin Prefect. He himself had not approached her either. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. He hadn't been avoiding her per se, but he hadn't chased her either. That made her feel emptier. She was lacking her courage.
Despite the cancellation of their tutoring session, Tom continued following their planned tutoring session meetings precisely. It was either that, or the boy actually lived in the library, but she could always see him at their designated desk in the library from the distance. It was just her, who didn't have enough guts to cross the distance and sit in front of him. No wonder she wasn't in Gryffindor. Unlike her, he looked composed. Calm and collected. And that made her so jealous. She envied him. If Alexa didn't know any better, she would have assumed that he was unaffected. One year back, she would have bet her last sickle on that. However, this year was different. Her intuition was screaming that he had a storm brewing beneath his flawless skin. And Alexa had no courage or proof to verify her theory.
She knew not what position she held in his life. She knew she couldn't force someone to love her. To feel what she felt. To reciprocate the depth of her feelings. Yeah! Love potions could grant her complete access to his body, but what she craved was his soul. Her hopeless romantic self wanted beyond the physical attraction. She had seen what true love was. She still remembered how her parents looked at one another. The twinkle in their eyes when they looked at one another, the way their eyes would automatically seek each other when they thought she wasn't around, the way they would communicate so much without actually using a single word, she remembered it all. A sad smile graced her lips. She wanted that for herself. She wanted to experience how would it feel to have a person whom she could call her own. Was it too much to ask?
Her internal conversation broke when she saw Logan at the door of the Great Hall. He was smiling at something Avanti Rathi said to him. Correction. They both were smiling while they spoke. The smile didn't exactly look happy, but it was safe to say that they both looked serene. Alexa narrowed her eyes. What did she miss, she couldn't point out. Like herself, her only friend and his current companion had been gloomy too in recent times. She could understand the cloudy mood of Avanti since Yoshi hadn't awakened yet. What she couldn't comprehend was the moodiness of the McLaggen boy. For the past week, he had been a reflection of what she felt. Only sadder and illogical.
Alexa continued turning her eyes smaller and smaller as she saw her god-brother took a seat beside her.
"Hey!" He acknowledged.
Placing his bag near the desk, he sighed to himself. Taking a slice of bread he started buttering it with a knife. In full concentration. When the girl didn't reply, he turned in her direction. When she didn't stop scrutinizing him, he waved the buttered bread in front of her face. Perhaps a bit too close. In the process, the uneven surface of the butter coating accidentally touched Alexa's nose that suddenly made her look like a clown with a yellowish-white nose.
Alexa touched her nose. Her fingertips were now coated with the butter. Her eyes widened in disbelief.
"Damn!" Logan looked back at his bread in disgust. "Can't eat now. I have to make another one."
Alexa slapped his shoulder harshly.
"Hey!" Logan yelled.
She slapped him again on his shoulder. This time harsher.
"Stop the assault snow." He pouted and rubbed his shoulder.
"First one for messing my nose. The second one for being so outrageous this week." Alexa spoke. Her nose twitched a little as she tried her hardest to ignore the sudden laughter. She was pretending to be angry for Helga's sake.
Logan looked down. It seemed like he was avoiding her eyes. Alexa's eyes squinted again, but she couldn't help herself from feeling that the boy looked slightly guilty. Good, she contemplated. He had been gloomy and distant for no reason after all, but what if there was a reason that she didn't know. The last thought worried her.
After a few moments of silence, Logan sighed again.
"I am sorry snow. I was very occupied this past week," he whispered.
Alexa leaned in slightly. She couldn't help from remembering the day he had opened up to her about his family. His sister. The accident in the past. His tone suddenly reminded her of the unfortunate conversation. A weight dropped in her stomach as she imagined the worst.
"Hey! Is everything alright?" She asked softly.
Logan looked up at her. His eyes were a bit moist at the corners. "You are so good to me Alexa. Why are you so good to me?"
His voice was heavy with emotions. It seemed that he was about to cry. And Alexa didn't like it when he cried. She didn't like it when anyone cried.
"Who said that? I just slapped you twice." She gave him a gentle smile. "What is it, Logan?"
"I just miss Maria. And how I wronged her." Logan whispered again. His sister was a very sensitive topic for him. "This past week I was drowning in contemplating the consequences of mistakes that I have made."
"It's alright Logan. Everything will be." She assured him and hoped that it worked.
"I truly don't deserve you." Logan closed his eyes. "Neither you nor my sister."
For a few moments, Alexa let him be. She couldn't imagine what Logan was going through. She truly felt bad for him. And the worse thing is she had no idea how to help him, other than a few sugar-coated words.
When he didn't move for more than five minutes and his breathing smoothed, she almost thought that he fell asleep. So, she slapped him on the shoulder again.
"You hit harsher than boys. Seriously, what do you even eat?" He demanded.
Alexa rolled her eyes. She was a part wolf, so maybe her slaps were indeed harsher than the boys, not like Logan needed to know that. Instead, she blurted. "What is your deal with Rathi?"
"What about her?" He looked genuinely confused.
"You ignored me and your other friends for a week and then came to the Great Hall smiling with her. " Alexa scoffed. "Why?"
"I-It's nothing like t-that," he stuttered, turning red. He looked embarrassed at the insinuation.
Alexa snorted. "Sure!"
"Seriously," he replied. He composed himself. Sitting straighter, his eyes looked into hers directly. It was a way of him letting her know that he was not bluffing. "I consider her friend. Just like you. It's just... she... she understands me."
Alexa didn't like the sentence. Logan was supposed to be her best friend.
"Explain," she demanded.
Logan sighed. "She lost her brother two years back."
"Oh!" Alexa straightened up. Her eyes softened in pity.
"Yeah! You know, how muggles are busy killing each other in what they call the second world war. Her brother was a soldier. Two years back he got killed in the war while fighting for the British army." Logan continued. "I just feel like she can understand me since both of us miss our elder siblings. She told me he was discovered by a recruiting company of British army while he was busy fetching the muggle candies that she loved. So, she feels that it was her mistake that her brother is no more."
It was true. Muggle armies needed the soldiers. They were hiring anyone who was an adult and had working limbs. The magical community was not that excited to be a part of the war when they themselves were fighting against Grindelwald. This was the reason why some wizards and witches became more persistent in living underground while others joined the forces with Grindelwald. Either way, no one was keen to let their kids join the destructive war for power. It was sad. Truly.
Alexa understood why the other girl blamed herself.
She understood why Logan blamed himself.
She understood why he and Avanti could understand one another.
After all, she just like them, was a reason why Adrian - her cousin - had no mother.
She was guilty. Just like them. And she understood there was no running away.
Not for either of them.
There is no running away from responsibilities.
One must pay for the consequences of their actions.
She just hoped that they all had enough strength to endure them.
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