Final Total: 4.5 (reshelved)
Reader 1:
Grammar & Flow: 1.5/2 I wonder about the first sentence after "three weeks earlier". Wonder about the improbable? I don't think it's so much a grammar error as just reads a bit funny, but at the same time it keeps it short and snappy, which makes for a nice hook. I can't see many issues with your grammar, but there are bits which break the flow, most of which I've spoken about below. To rehash, it is mainly descriptions which throw off the story, like of the MC's appearance. I also don't really see a "trigger" for his sudden voice-hearing, and maybe that's something that is explained later in the book, but just from the beginning there isn't a clue for why he is now suddenly going a bit mad.
Interest: 1.5/ 2 This is good! Really enjoyed the start. The voice in Cadell's head is strong and interesting -- although his own doesn't quite deliver. I think it's because it seems to be attempting to be humorous, and missing the mark a bit, for example with the Oreos. Also, I'm not sure why the voice in his head would call him "boy" but maybe that's to be revealed later.
The journal entry lets this down a little though, to be honest. It reads a bit like a teenage version of Rorschach, only without the follow through of darkness, despair and hate.
Quality of Prose: 1.5/2 Not that big a fan of the opening, but it only gets better after. For example: "I'm confident they're on the streets" doesn't really mean much. I can see where you were going with it, but it doesn't pack the punch I guess you would want it to. Maybe because it's a bit vague, a weird metaphor, or maybe because if you mean it literally, it doesn't quite hit the mark.
It gets better with the school scene, although there are some parts I would get rid of to condense it and make the opening stronger. This is especially in that part when you start talking about his appearance. The poor boy is hearing murderous voices. I don't think this is the time for him to wonder about his dry skin.
Hook: 3/4 I would want to continue reading this, quite curious where would you take the story further. You have a really good start, although as I said above, some parts could do with trimming to make it even stronger. Like the Oreo part. It just really doesn't work with the rest of the chapter.
Total: 7.5 (I'm interested in reading on)
Reader 2:
Grammar & Flow: 1/2 There are a few small grammar problems in the opening which largely stem from the difference between spoken and written English. For example: There were always a few black students in his lessons *who/which were. . . "That" is acceptable in speech, but not in narrative writing. The sentences do not flow together nearly as well as they could. There is a jarring quality to the short sentences combined with sentence fragments which can't be blamed on the content / subject matter.
Interest: .5/2 It's mildly interesting, but the descriptions are so minimal, and the dialogue leaning so hard towards wooden, that it's hard to both ground yourself in the narrative, or feel grabbed by it. The creepy voice in C's head is not enough, as it appears without context. There is no build-up to the voice appearing, nor is the voice described at all. People who 'hear voices' can normally describe the timbre and tone, as well as the gender of the voice. There's none of that here, which makes it seem like a ploy from the author to hook the reader with the promise of senseless violence and insanity.
Quality of Prose: .5/2 There is a lot of blatant tell here. For example: When C's breathing quickens and his brow starts to furrow, we are told: disbelief. The reader *should* be able to tell what C is feeling/thinking without having to be told based on the technical skill of the description. We are also told C is despised by his teachers. Told, not shown. The teacher's behaviour has no contrast. We don't see her fawning over another student only to turn on C in the next moment and hassle him. We have no reason to believe that C really is disliked by teachers, and that's not a part of his own self-image coming out.
The non-stop train of short sentences creates a fast-moving, but hollow, tone. The only description which comes across as halfway competent is of C himself. The rest -- the classroom, the teacher, the situation, even the all-important voice itself are left as virtually blank, white paper. There's no visual, no drawing there. The opening is rather visually poor (for a story that seems to have graffiti and comic book style art as a theme.)
Hook: 1/4 Given all of the above comments regarding sentence flow, quality of prose, the uninspired dialogue and the lack of visuals, the hook fails to convince to a large degree. The idea behind the story is interesting, and certainly, a lot could be done with it, but it's not being done now. And that's a pity.
Total: 3 (I've closed the book)
Reader 3:
Grammar & Flow:.5/2 The opening bit is pretty good. Your grammar isn't terrifying, only a few hiccups here and there.
Why isn't Cadell's first thought in italics? Or, alternatively, not just part of the narrative? 'There were no complications in sleep. He would be free,' for instance. The sudden change from past tense to present is jarring.
There is one thing I ran into a few times: you pop adjectives into your compound verbs or between your subject and your verb. 'He would sourlylaugh' is one example. 'His face comfortably buried'is another. 'The other students only had. I would suggest avoiding this like the plague. It makes the action stumble.
Try: 'He would laugh the next day at how delusional *that* notion *had been*.' (Speaking in the future hypothetical, so his present will be the past.)
You don't need the ellipses after 'in the short-term anyway.' (You really don't need 'in the short-term anyway at all, but I'll get to that.)
'Head' is repeated in the line beginning: 'Cadell's eyes widened'
'He looked to his sides again and again until' is awkward. See if you can describe it a little less like he's looking at his own ribs.
'snap her neck' and 'crack her neck' are too near, while being just a tad too different to pull off being on purpose.
Verb forms are also a little odd in places. 'Sprung' instead of 'sprang.'
In terms of flow, I'm going to do a quick run through of your scene progression to show you something that's happening:
1. We start off with a rather blah, non-descript opening line: Cadell wondered the improbable. Boom. Tell.
2. We're in the classroom, teacher is droning on. In a monotone voice. So right here, our first mention of a voice is NOT the one in his head.
3. We get a bit of tell in the second paragraph foreshadowing what will happen during the rest of the day. This isn't necessarily bad, but it's long and repetative.
4. We are told the voice is there before it arrives, which steals most of the Voice's thunder.
5. We are told he is feeling disbelief after being shown his disbelief.
6. Next we are told he's a verbal punching bag, with a lengthy jump into a history lesson to boot. Not really following this leap. It disrupts the sequence of events.
7. We're told what he looks like and that he feels old. Why here? Again, this interrupts the sequence of events.
8. Then, we whip back to the Voice and that foreshadowing mode again with the opening 'At first,' followed by a weird period of undescribed time (I call this the black hole effect) in 'the Voice returned a few minutes later.' << This right here drags the reader out of the sequence of events. Boom.
9. Conversation between Cadell and the Voice is decent.
What are the important parts of this scene? The intro of the Voice, Cadell's reaction to it, and the fact that he tries to get away before it makes him do something awful. Those three things need to be front and center, and streamlined, not bogged down by all the jumping around into history lessons and physical descriptions.
There are many things you can show instead of tell, here, or rearrange to get more punch for your money.
First, introduce the scene with something more sensory/visual rather than Tell. That opening line has a LOT of weight to pull. 'Cadell's eyes kept crossing. He let them, smiling faintly as Miss Jenkins split into two Miss Jenkins.' (Strictly an example.) Hopefully you get the idea. Start with something much more visceral than bland tell.
Then you could move from there into a description of him scratching at the scabs on his arms, or the dry ashy skin on his hands, while the teacher drones on. This will allow you to take the hints at his appearance out of the Tell zone and into physical setting detail, while building another facet of how boring the teacher is, and how drowsy he's getting. You could even have him wonder if she's a witch, here. Just don't launch into a history lesson. You could actually get rid of the first half of the second paragraph and be just fine. If you must foreshadow, just keep it to that first line of the second paragraph, then pop right back into the fact that he didn't know what was coming at the time.
Have him decide to hide his face, but don't 'comfortably bury' it. Have him do the burying, not his face bury itself, that's in passive voice. So something along the lines of: 'Cadell gave up and buried his face in the comfort of his elbow.' (Or whatever.)
The intro of the Voice is too important to be explained first. It needs to pop right out and grab the reader. Since your readers have to 'discover' your story from left to right, and line by line, use that to your advantage. You can describe him dosing off, but do that, then boom, next para/line, 'Kill her, boy.' It will feel as sudden to your readers as it did to him. (IMHO)
Then you can describe the sound of the voice, and the fact that it was in his mind... but take out the word 'disbelief.'
The paragraph beginning with 'The young man' is in the wrong place. I would definitely suggest finding a way to tuck those details in somewhere else. And after introducing your MC by his first name, don't start calling him 'the young man.' It puts unnecessary distance between your reader and your MC.
You could even skip the next two paragraphs and get away with it. Keep the focus on the Voice, Cadell, and the interaction with the teacher.
'Cadell shrugged and gazed *out* a nearby window. Being singled out was nothing new, and the voice was back, sending goosebumps racing along his skin.'
In the paragraph beginning with 'At first, the voice didn't scare Cadell,' you're cuing what I'll call a black hole in your sequence of events, where time is mentioned for no real reason. Why back out of the scene this far? You could have him standing there looking out the window, and then use his more immediate reaction to and interaction with the voice to indicate the fact that he isn't afraid/freaked out, and is instead curious, and wondering what his friend Elijah would think. That would be show, and it would keep the dialogue going.
The rest of what you've got in the snippet is fairly decent, and it's moving toward that end goal of establishing the fact that Cadell doesn't want to do what the voice says.
Interest:1/2 I still love the idea behind this book. I really, really do. And you've done some editing between last time I read this and this time, I think. Most of it is good, but... I'm really sorry to say this, you're still coming in a teensy tiny bit pale.
Quality of Prose: .5/2 While I went over the tell stuff up ^there,^ it does affect the quality of the prose overall, and a lot of it could go down here. If you can find a way to bring a lot more show into your writing, and trim out the sections of tell, your writing will flow a lot more easily, your verbs will be more vivid, you won't have sections of passive voice, and your reader will be sucked right in.
Hook: 1/4 While the premise of the book alone would draw many readers in, and will continue to do so, this snippet doesn't hook me as well as it should. Yet. You'll get there! The bones are good.
Total: 3 (I've put this book back on the shelf)