The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

Elly & The Road Less Traveled (2nd Round)

Final Total: 4.8 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow: 2/2 Overall, the grammar is great. The flow is decent too, moving well and logically. Well done.

Interest: .5/2 I am... almost... interested in this story. But looking at this first chunk, I'm not sure why the title is 'Elly and the Road Less Traveled.' This road has been traveled to death. This is shaping up to be just like every other Halmark-style chick-lit book out there. City-chick thinks her boyfriend is great marriage material, he isn't, she winds up heartbroken, then the story of finding her One True Love begins. I predict OTL will turn up where she least expects him, somewhere in the country because he's a golden-hearted cowboy, and he'll rush in to save her from some plight or other... maybe not, but that's what I'm seeing, and that's the expectation you're going to have to fight with.

Alas, the money-grubbing seems to have followed her into this snippet. I actually felt sorry for her boyfriend. He bought a $2000 set of luggage, apparently so she can use it when he takes her to visit his parents, and she's pouting over it. Why? Because she's angling for that pot of gold, and he's the one she's pinned all her hopes on. Where am I coming up with that? Because she ASKED HIM for a $2000 bag. If anything says 'I'm a money-grubbing little snot' it's someone who asks for $2000 gifts. Also, she POUTS over receiving a $2000 gift, which is actually worse. 

You can see their breakup coming a mile away. Intentional or not, she's presented as a silly, naïve, brainless, spoiled little twit, here, who already has her perfect wedding all planned without her future sister-in-law, (harsh), as if the picket fence is all she'll need in life. Bridezilla episode, here we come. She doesn't even seem to be in love with her guy, only in what he's supposed to give her: all of his spare time, and a ring. Alright. So I've belabored this to death. The writing is actually great. The character development is what's slaughtering my desire to keep going. She seems like a bit of a nincompoop, at best, too brainless to figure out that her man might be stringing her along, and at worst a high-maintenance nag. Now, this may not prove to be the case in following chapters, but in this snippet, that's how she comes across.

Quality of Prose: 2/2 No problems in this department.

Hook: 0/4 I'm sorry, but the hook isn't there, mostly because you failed to catch my interest. In fact, I pretty much threw your book and ran. You need a bit more charisma in your heroine right off the bad, and a lot less 'gimme gimme.' I gotta feel attached to her, here, and I don't, just annoyed and mildly disgusted. Thus, the hook is less hook than cattle prod. (And if you're telling yourself you have to have your character grow... yeah, that's cool, but IMHO, you need her to start growing from a different place. Nobody likes a scheming, needy money-grubber. Now, if she was citified and high-maintenance but still basically a decent person with a brain in her head, that might be different. I.e. she's not asking herself if she really has to have his sister in her wedding and pouting over getting luggage that costs as much as one of my paychecks.) If she really is a decent person, give us a picture of that. (Hint... just start with that next section about Evelyn and the budgies. It's beautiful.)

Total: 4.5 (I've put this book down)

Reader 2:

Grammar & Flow: 1.5/2 No issues here, I am quite fond of the emotional rollercoaster Elly is going through - deflated hope, then rekindled, gone again, and finally back in last grand moment. The flow is nice, the grammar is fine. The sentences, especially the sentimental ones, could be condensed in places, however.

Interest: .5/2 Your main character isn't really likeable; she comes across quite bitchy and childish. I get she's annoyed her long standing boyfriend isn't proposing, but it's just such a tired trope that it really needs something behind it, an interesting MC in the least, and Elly just seems like a bit of a snarky headache. The word petulant comes to mind. And I'm quite fond of head-strong, argumentative female characters, so that's not the issue here. I think even fans of classical type romance like this one would probably need something more from the start, rather than Christmas between two people who clearly don't care for one another.

Quality of Prose: 1.5/ 2  Clear, easy to follow, straight-forward. Elly's voice is evident, her feelings right on the surface. I am glad you're not overly describing each action as it's done, instead letting your writing show us the emotions. Only really of Elly, though. Brendon barely seems like he's there. From what I'm guessing is going to happen later, he won't really be that big a part of the story, and his entire character seems like a placeholder/catalyst for plot, rather than a character. I mean, even if you're going to break up with your long term girlfriend, who you are (quite obviously) cheating on, you're still going to have to have some form of an emotional response. Of any sort. 

Hook: 1/4 t's a bit... derivative. Sorry. You can tell pretty well where things will go from here. Either he won't propose, instead bring along some willowy blonde and Elly will have a fit, or he will, only for her to realise that bigger, better things await, cue Eat-Pray-Love type story. I'm betting on the first one though.

Total: 4.5 (I've put the book down)

Reader 3:

Grammar & Flow: 2/2 The opening of the story flows very well. It's easy to read, all of the events and motivations of the characters are well presented and understandable. (That might sound like a 'well, duh', but it's really not in the vast sea of amateur writer's stories.) So, full marks there.

Interest: 0/2 Sorry about this, but women like Elly have me grabbing for the airsickness bag. 

I want to reach into the story and slug her repeatedly in the face. I want to call the Feminist Brigade so they can kidnap her and brainwash her into not seeing marriage as her ultimate fulfilment as a woman. I want to wrap the straps of that Louis Vitton bag around her neck and pull *hard* until she's blue in face and can't breathe.  I want to. . . ah, you get the picture. Despite the clarity of writing, I just find these kinds of characters and humorous chick lit stories in general . . . yeah, anyway. Moving on.  

Quality of Prose: 1.5/2  Follows the tone and style of the genre well. There are a few places where the prose gets a little overly fruity. Example: "Yet disappointment weighed on her heart as she stood and followed him to the foyer."  The sentence would be perfectly fine without the added frilly flourish of 'on her heart'.  "Yet disappoint weighed on her as she stood and followed him into the foyer." 

Hook: 2/4  Well, given that humorous chick lit makes me highly aggressive, I'm not sure I'm the best person to say how good the hook is. So, let's go at this academically. 

You have an MC who clearly has a goal, and a character who clearly is blocking that goal. At the end of the reading section, you have the blocking character say something that gives the MC the notion she'll attain her goal soon. She's obviously mistaken. We know that already as it's a genre convention. The slap with the stethoscope only underscores that. (Thank you for hitting her, much appreciated.)  With all that, you've got all the structural elements in place for the following story. So, a point there. 

Chick lit often focuses on the female goofballs of the upper middle class. So the fact that the boyfriend is a surgeon is perfectly in line with the genre. But he's fairly flat as a character, exhibiting only the typical male lack of understanding the subtle emotional clues women send out and being preoccupied with his work. Elly has one thing on the brain. The strength of the conflict set up makes for a weakness in characterisation. .5 of a point there. 

Is the situation gripping? Uh, not really. As this is supposed to be Christmas, it doesn't seem very festive. More like a Memorial Day gift exchange, than accompanying eggnog and cute wrapping paper. The subtext I picked up on what that Brandon is not very interested in Elly anymore. He might even be having an affair with the working late. And clueless Elly is still holding out for that 1950s dream of a doctor husband.  That doesn't make me feel sorry for Elly, it just makes me think she's stupid and/or has her head so far up her own tookas that when she does find out, her world will shatter. Not really something you'd want to stick around and watch. No points there.  

I think I'll go with a solid 2 points for the hook. 

 Total: 5.5 (I've put the book down)