The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

Expelled from Hell by laynejodi

Final Total: 4 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Cover: 3/4 Nicely done, but makes me think more of Warhammer books, or maybe Korean manga, than what you have described in the blurb. Yes, there is hell, and yes, there is Lucifer, but Lucifer seems to be guarding a pool of lava from this guy who, as I understand it, is a chess player. Other than the relation to the actual plot itself, I have no issues with it. It is well designed and well executed.

Title: 2/2 Works.

Blurb: 1/4

While I think the premise is interesting, the blurb is rather messy. It's partially because each sentence is a paragraph of its own, which reads quite fast paced and rather action-y, but this is a blurb, so it shouldn't really do that.

My main concern is how this relates to the title - Tony seems to be the opposite of "expelled" from hell, in fact he is sent straight there after being expelled from heaven - no?

I have a bit of an issue with the three consecutive sentences starting with "Something happened". That feels a little bit lazy. If it is important enough to mention in a blurb then tell your readers what this something is, otherwise it's better to leave it out.

I'm not clear on why Tony is in this position, I'm assuming some sort of an administrative error, considering he is the "perfect soul" as you put it, but I'm even more confused by why God is so adamant he stay in hell that he decides to make a deal with Lucifer. And, if that is the case, then surely no matter how much Tony tries to "outwit" them, there is nowhere to really turn to, is there? A glimmer of hope could be useful.

I think you're missing a comma after demons - "Tony must battle Lucifer, and his demons*,* or never spend..."

Also, Hades is there? Is this a crossover of different mythologies together? Because that would be quite cool.

Total: 6 (I'm interested in opening the book) 

Reader 2:

Cover:1/4 Balrog thingy: check. Glowing pit of death: check. Kid facing down balrog in a hoodie: check. Weird title font that somehow manages to disappear AND clash with the background: check. I can't put this in a genre in my head. It looks like some sort of kid's B-list fantasy story (R.L. Stine, anyone?), but the blurb is about adults. The title needs to be considerably different from the background in order to stand out enough to actually see it. The 'A Wattpad Novel' is Captain Obvious. You could say 'A Reading Book' and have the same impact. Why is the author's name bigger and clearer than the title font?

Title: 0/2 Um. The blurb describes him being expelled from Heaven. Not Hell. So. Yeah. I have no idea why this is the title.

Blurb: 0/4 Something happened to... this blurb. The first three sentences are ok. The second 'Something happened' is a bit much. Then there's a third, and you've beaten around the bush so much I've given up and dropped the book back in the 'Kid's Horror' bin I found it in. (Yes. That's exactly how fast you have to snag people.) But for the sake of this review I'll slog on. 

I don't know. What DID drive a master chess player like Tony to war against seven demons, seven archangels, and God? You didn't tell me, and you aren't going to in the blurb, either, because you're using a cheap trick to make me read the book to find the answer. Funny, that just makes me want to drop your book back in that aforementioned 'Kid's Horror' bin instead... (Rhetorical questions in your blurb are a no-no. They require your audience to know something they can't possibly know yet, which is irritating as heck to certain people who actually try to answer in their brain *cough cough* They also scrape the sides of breaking that handy 4thwall by addressing the reader directly.)

Right. Nough said about that subject, next sentence — Oh, come on! AGAIN? *face-keyboard* I dunno! Can Tony outplay, outwit, and outlast hell? How could I possibly know that! Do you? Why are you asking all these questions about your own story? (Outplay and outwit are redundant, BTW.)

Slogging on: 'Tony must battle Lucifer() and his demons*,* or never spend eternity with...' Ok, good, what's next: 'For the first time in creation...' What is this? 'can there be a deal made...' Is this another... you wouldn't... 'between God and Lucifer to...thwart...' No! 'Tony?' AHHHHHHH! *hisses* The question marks! They are evil! Seriously, though, WHY SHOULD I CARE IF GOD AND LUCIFER WANT TO THWART TONY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN CREATION???

Irony of ironies, I have a question about your story. How old is Tony? If he's being thwarted for the first time, wouldn't that mean God and Lucifer tried to thwart him before? Just how long has this been going on? Also, why would God AND Lucifer want Tony in hell if he's there by mistake? Wouldn't God just take him back? If the 'Something' that happened was bad enough to send Tony to hell... um... wouldn't that mean that he actually wasn't perfect?

I think you need to go back to the drawing board and start over on the blurb. You've got the basics in here. We know who the MCs are and the setting, we've got the inciting incident (they die and Tony winds up in Hell by accident) and we've got the main conflict (Tony doesn't want to be in hell, Lucifer and God want him there). You just need to keep things nice and clear. No more rhetorical questions, no more beating around the bush trying to make everything 'mysteriouser and more mysteriouser.' Short and sweet.

Total: 1 (I've put the book back on the shelf)

Reader 3:

Cover: 2.5/4 Uhhhhhhhh...I feel like I've stumbled into a comic book Satanic grotto with this cover. That's a fairly huge Cernabog and the person in front of it doesn't look too phased that he's standing there, waving his wings about. I wonder why? The title (font, colour, arrangement) is nicely done, but is a little dwarfed by the large JODI LAYNE at the bottom. After reading, I probably wouldn't forget the author name, but I might not recall what the name of the book is, other than HELL.

Title: 1/2 I'm getting school vibes. People are normally expelled from school, this MC is getting expelled from Hell. We wonder, how did he manage that? Throw spitwads at Lucifer's head?

Blurb: 1.5/4

The phrasing of this blurb has me feeling like the author is playing a game of keep away with the story by talking about it in a round-about, vague way and phrasing things in a slightly odd manner. Only the end, where the deal between God and Lucifer to thwart Tony is mentioned, does a glimmer of a plot show through. That part sounds interesting. Before that, however, it's something happened, then something else happened...I'm glad, because in novels, something is supposed to happen! That's rather the point.

Essentially, everything before "Can Tony outplay..." needs a complete overhaul in phrasing and perspective. Tell me who the characters are, that they died on their way to their wedding reception and that's when everything literally 'went to hell'. Don't waste time being coy. I have hundreds of other books I could be looking at. Give me a good reason to stay with yours by how catchy and clear you can communicate it to me.

Something like this: Tony and Jonathan were on their way to their wedding reception when the god of the Underworld barged in, removing the happy couple from the world of the living. At the Pearly Gates, a misunderstanding ushered Jonathan into heaven, but got Tony sent down to the fire pits of Hell.

Obviously I don't know the details of the events, but you can see from that example how straightforward -- but still peppy -- the description can be.

There are also a few oddly phrased parts, for example "or never spend eternity". That normally would be "or not spend eternity", and "eternity will be easy" should be "eternity would be easy".

Total: 5 (I've put the book back on the shelf)