The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

Vivid (2nd Round)

Final Total: 6 (we're taking the book over to the chairs to read more. . .)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow: 1.5/2 Grammar is good and the section is largely easy to read. There are few places where the sentences don't connect as well as they could. An example would be the 'what kind of a weird afterlife was this?" paragraph, which is not nearly as well-phrased as it could be. 

Interest: .5/2  I can't say there is much to interest me here. How Moxie got from being on a sidewalk in Toronto to where she is would be the only thing to keep me going. The descriptions, the men, the setting, etc. . .no, wouldn't hold me. There seems to be no real conflict, or not even any potential danger. Shockingly nice stuff from a writer we know to write things that are shockingly . . . er, not-nice.   

Quality of Prose: 1.5/2 The quality is fine, even if I find myself itching to reach for the red corrector pen to fix a few of the places where more amateurish (or, let's say, too Wattpadesque teen writing) phrasing has been used. Like taking the opportunity to awkwardly ram Moxie's hair colour -- mousy -- in there where it doesn't belong and sticks out like a sore thumb at the end of the chapter. Really not. (I know, I know. I've heard the whine, too. But I can't sssseeeeeeeee her?!Whadda she looook liiiiike? Tell me pllllllssss. ) 

Screw 'em. Be strong. Don't give in to the pressures to write on a lower standard than you're capable of. 

Hook: 1/4 The opening is not bad, per se, and does include some interesting details, but there's nothing much there to capture the reader's attention and want to make them read on. It reads like a Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds drug-induced dream for adults. As marshmallow soft and candy-coloured as the setting. 

There's nothing wrong with that -- look at where Dorothy lands first in The Wizard of Oz! -- but the Wicked Witch is missing. Sure, Dorothy wants to get home. So does Moxie. But the witch is on Dorothy's tail the whole time and that makes the journey doubly important and urgent. I'm missing that 'witch pursuit' pressure here at the start. Even if there's just a drop of it.  

Total: 4.5 (I've put the book back on the shelf)

Reader 2:

Grammar & Flow: 1.5/2

'But' x 2 in the para beginning, 'But what kind of weird...'

There isn't any need for an ellipses after 'There was something.'

'if her hands hadn't *been made of lead*'

Interest:0/2 This is too ah... vague... to be interesting. There's a hint of tension in the way she woke up, but then it ended on a devolution, with little to no motion forward. She faints. Tada, end of scene, and it really could be the end of the story right there. There isn't anything that draws the reader on.

Quality of Prose: 1.5/2 I greatly enjoyed the details of the violet that conjured the scent of lavender, and the marshmallow cloud. Beautiful. Well crafted for the most part.

'with adrenaline' is overkill. You've already got 'pounding in her ears.' It can be assumed there is adrenaline involved.

'in her nervousness' is also overkill. Running your hands through your hair is already a body language cue that she's nervous.

Why add 'mousy' to your description of her hair, here? Does the mousiness have anything to do with her nervousness? Or her need to run her hands through it? When you're writing in mid-to-close 3rdPOV, it sounds weird when hair color is mentioned, as if the MC is thinking about how mousy her hair is in the middle of being nervous about something else. It can be really difficult to find a spot to put it, but I would recommend finding a better place for the sake of creating less cringe.

If you're being absolutely correct about it, men are blond, women are blonde. Thank the French.

'He walked forward slowly, his bare feet padding across the grass,' creates a weird image in my head of his feet proceeding on without him, since they're doing the padding. Maybe try, 'He walked forward slowly, padding bare-foot across the grass...'

Hook: 2/4 The reading was easy, the flow was good, and I enjoyed the subtle humor. I am almost there. Beef up that tension at the end a bit, and you'll have me.

Total: 5 (I have put the book back on the shelf)

Reader 3:

Grammar & Flow: 1.5/2  The first thing that throws me is where she goes from "am I dead" (present tense) to "her chest was..." (past tense). Of course, internal dialogue would be in present tense, but because it comes just at the start like this, and then changes suddenly, it's a bit of an adjustment. Again, there is a bit of awkward phrasing around the cup, or the coffee, being fair trade. Other than that - no issues for me.

Interest: 2/2 I thoroughly enjoyed this. Your descriptions are great, the setting is fresh and interesting, and I cannot wait to keep reading this. You do get a little too much into the description of the men at the end, what with their eye colour and all, especially considering he's a fair bit away from her when she notices them, but I can really forgive that for everything else you have here. Moxie seems like an engaging character, and her voice is strong from the start.

Quality of Prose: 1.5/2 Good job here! There are some minor bits I would change, but the majority is good. For example - first paragraph you repeat "chest" a bit too close for comfort. However, your description of the surroundings is fantastic, especially how you're using smell to describe colour. Big fan of that.

Hook: 3.5/ 4  As above: good opening hook.A bit of a rework on the emotional side could push it just that part further. You're doing well in describing her confusion, until we get to the moment the three men show up, and it falls a bit flat. When she doesn't find them foreboding, only studying them intensely, I can't really picture that, not because the choice of reaction is wrong, but it just doesn't have the same level of force as what was happening before.

Total: 8.5 (I'm interested in reading on)