The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

Ten Years (2nd Round)

Total: 3.6 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow: 2/2 Decent writing. I couldn't find anything to pick on. The character introductions and descriptions are well executed, and everything was clear. Well done.

Interest: 0/2 Ah, hate to say this, but these characters are rather blah, and their situations are also rather blah. You don't leave them with anything to do, really. There's no hint that they have anything coming at them other than the possibility of new jobs. Which is begging the question, why start here? I'm still scratching my head over that after reading the blurb, and this chapter only cements that impression: you're starting your story too far in the past. This would be ok-ish as a prologue, but I wouldn't even suggest doing that. This is ALL backstory.

Five Cents Incoming: this may sound harsh, but you don't HAVE to include every brain-fart you have when you're character forging. It creates a story that is overly-involved, like my great aunt June trying to tell me about her shopping trip to Walgreens. I don't need to know about the colors of the eyeshadow she was standing there debating over when she met her friend Mabel. If your reader can be made to understand certain things through the interactions of the characters, that's where backstory needs to be put.

Quality of Prose: 1/2 There's a lot of tell going on in here, but since this is 3rd omniscient, that's to be expected. It can be impersonal and cold, though, if it's done too fast, which leaves the reader feeling like they've been rushed through a bunch of information. It's alright to let a lot of your backstory trickle in. Telling your reader that your character believes the same thing her mother did about overachieving is not the same as showing her overachieving and relating that to her mother.

One thing in that vein: there's a bit of 'filter' language going on. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, there are some decent articles on it online, and I'd recommend googling 'Filter Words.' Finding it in your own writing can be tricky. One example would be the phrase, 'She remembered her older sister...' If you take that out, and simply say, 'She smiled. () Lina had begged her to straighten her hair...' then there isn't a character filtering information between your reader and the action. It'll strengthen your writing and take out the middle man, so to speak. Another instance is, 'She knew that if she closed her eyes...' A stronger way to say that would be, 'If she closed her eyes and focused...' It simplifies things a bit.

There are a few sentences that could be trimmed because they're redundant: 'She believed in that with every fiber of her being' could be removed, and the rest of that sentence could be tacked onto the previous sentence since it's still the same subject. Splitting it up into several lines makes the reader assume you've reverted to Leila, when you're still on her Mum's beliefs. (This actually made me stumble in the thought progression department, I'm afraid. Doesn't take much anymore. Pardon my dotage.)

In Edward's section, you've got 'Edward couldn't believe his ears' twice. Not awful, as it develops further with the second mention, but it's not quite obvious enough to be purposeful because they're a few paragraphs apart. In that same paragraph, you've got 'the part' and 'this part.'

Hook: 1/4 A lot of the power of your hook is hanging on your character description, but like I said in the Interest section, your characters aren't doing or saying anything that creates much draw, so your hook is falling flat on its face. We don't get to see anything exciting. You cut us off before Laina gets that interview. You cut us off before Edward walks out on stage. You don't even let us see Adam Ball fall off that ladder – which could have been absolutely hilarious to see, but we're told it's funny instead. It's a lot of backstory, but no real forward motion into the actual plot of your story. You need more tension or action, but I'm not sure how you could get any going with what is here. I would suggest reconsidering where you begin your story. Pick a moment in the plot that is fairly close to what propels your MCs into action. And decide what the actual action of your plot is going to be, because right now I'm wondering if I'm not headed for Ten Years' worth of watching two rather colorless, uninteresting people do things everyone else does. What makes this story unique? What, about your characters, makes them interesting people? Hone in on that, and I'll bet your hook will pop right up like a Whack-a-Mole.