The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

Behind Boleyn by traci_edmunds

Final Total: 5.1 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Cover: 1.5/4  The central pic is fine -- although it clearly comes from a television series, which might make certain readers think this is a fan fiction based off that series (vs really being about Anne Boleyn) -- but it's way too plain and "TV" to attract in serious readers of histfic.  If it IS a fanfic from a certain series/movie, that should be clear in the blurb.

I can't read the Boleyn part very well. It looks like some green scribbles, and it's also blocking the BEHIND part. I get it, the BEHIND is BEHIND Boleyn (ha ha) but it doesn't work very well as a visual with these fonts. So, E for effort, but not much more. 

Title: 1.5/2  Doesn't really grab me. I'm guessing, and this really is just a guess, that the title is an indirect reference to Millie. She is the 'witch' who was behind most of what we see of Anne Boleyn's actions. That I can only piece together from the blurb. Just "behind boleyn" doesn't get across that there is anything eyebrow-raising going on there. It could be referring to a door that was behind her. It's one of those titles that probably becomes clear while you're reading.

Blurb: 3/4

So many books have been written on the Tudors that it's almost becoming a cliche. What? Another one about Henry's wives or Elizabeth? *groan*  Not that they weren't interesting people, but they've been done to death.

That's why it's nice to see someone doing something a bit different here, and that gets across well in the blurb. We know what the story is about, what the intrigue is and it whets the appetite to find out the details.

However, overall, many the sentences are a tad wooden. They could benefit from a polish for smoother flow and to avoid passive or vague phrasing. 

An example: "and it never took long for one of her rituals to be interrupted and the rumours would begin to circulate shortly thereafter."

More succinct and avoiding passive phrasing might be "and it never took long for her rituals to be interrupted, generating rapidly-spreading rumours."

You may not like that rephrasing, but it's an example of it could be shorter, use active language and possess a stronger forward movement.

Total: 6 (I'm interested in opening the book)

Reader 2:

Cover: 2/4  Can't really go wrong with having Natalie Portman as your illustrations - especially when she is already dressed as the character! However, a lot of readers don't like having actors on the covers as it removes the pleasure of imagining your own characters. Also, having a character from a different adaptation of the story on your cover is a bit of a bold move.

My main issue here is that "Boleyn" is barely readable. Between the gradient, and the fact that the green blends into the dress she is wearing, it is really hard to make out.

Title: 2/2 Works.

Blurb: 3/4  Interesting, though a little confusing. It is written well, but I am not sure who Mille is meant to be. I'm assuming she is a fictitious addition to the story, besides being a witch. She could use a bit of an introduction paragraph, as could  more information about her relationship with Anne.

This seems like an interesting take on the story, however, and I am quite curious to read it.

Total: 7 (I'm interested in opening the book)

Reader 3:

Cover: .5/4 Chick in period costume (actually Natalie Portman stolen from a scene in that Boleyn Sisters movie... so questionable source), check. The fontwork is what knocks points off. I can't read 'Behind' because it's... ah... behind the other word I can't read. I see what you're doing there, and the irony could be cool, but you've got green in your pic. Don't use the same green as your title, then place that title over the green in the pic. Blends right in. 'Behind' is then chopped up by something your reader can't really see, and looks more like 'Rewind.' The white is fine, but find a better font for 'Behind,' like a nice serif or something that won't dominate the cover so much, then use either a much lighter, possibly warmer green for 'Boleyn' (and capitalize it, please, it's a proper name), or go with a complementary color like gold, red, or orange. Make your author's name a tad brighter. It's sized and positioned well, but I can't read it. The edges of your image are slightly off (see that thin white line at the bottom and top?), which means your image dimensions aren't quite big enough for the Wattpad template. A 3:2 ratio works well, I've found.

Title: 2/2 Explanatory, links to the blurb, good.

Blurb: 0/4 The word stay/stays is repeated twice, as is the word short/shortly. Made her stays short where? Anywhere? You could do a much better job saying most of that first paragraph. Just start off with that 'Christianity had not been friendly to Millie and her kind.' Boom. Great tension building 'hook' sentence. Move from there into the thought that 'People were always watching for ungodly behavior, and it never took long for one of her rituals to be interrupted*. Then the* rumors would begin to circulate, *and Millie would have to move on to the next town. Millie was tired of running.*' (That's just a suggestion meant to illustrate how you could streamline your thought progression without losing much of your content.)

Alright. I've got some MC description, I've got an inciting incident, what I don't have is any actual conflict to resolve, nor do I have a real plot at all. She's going to exact her revenge on the Church how? By influencing one of the Boleyn sisters to go after the King? I'm making a leap, there, because it's actually not clear. What are the stakes if she does this? She just... gets revenge? This entire story is about a manipulative, vengeful witch with a grudge? Yeah. You haven't made me want to read it.

Total: 2.5 (I put this book back on the shelf)