The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

Psycho (2nd Round)

Final Total: 4.5 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow:  1.5/2 I wonder about the first sentence after "three weeks earlier". Wonder about the improbable? I don't think it's so much a grammar error as just reads a bit funny, but at the same time it keeps it short and snappy, which makes for a nice hook. I can't see many issues with your grammar, but there are bits which break the flow, most of which I've spoken about below. To rehash, it is mainly descriptions which throw off the story, like of the MC's appearance. I also don't really see a "trigger" for his sudden voice-hearing, and maybe that's something that is explained later in the book, but just from the beginning there isn't a clue for why he is now suddenly going a bit mad.

Interest: 1.5/ 2 This is good! Really enjoyed the start. The voice in Cadell's head is strong and interesting -- although his own doesn't quite deliver. I think it's because it seems to be attempting to be humorous, and missing the mark a bit, for example with the Oreos. Also, I'm not sure why the voice in his head would call him "boy" but maybe that's to be revealed later.

The journal entry lets this down a little though, to be honest. It reads a bit like a teenage version of Rorschach, only without the follow through of darkness, despair and hate.

Quality of Prose: 1.5/2 Not that big a fan of the opening, but it only gets better after. For example: "I'm confident they're on the streets" doesn't really mean much. I can see where you were going with it, but it doesn't pack the punch I guess you would want it to. Maybe because it's a bit vague, a weird metaphor, or maybe because if you mean it literally, it doesn't quite hit the mark.

It gets better with the school scene, although there are some parts I would get rid of to condense it and make the opening stronger. This is especially in that part when you start talking about his appearance. The poor boy is hearing murderous voices. I don't think this is the time for him to wonder about his dry skin.

Hook: 3/4 I would want to continue reading this, quite curious where would you take the story further. You have a really good start, although as I said above, some parts could do with trimming to make it even stronger. Like the Oreo part. It just really doesn't work with the rest of the chapter.

Total: 7.5 (I'm interested in reading on)

Reader 2:

Grammar & Flow: 1/2 There are a few small grammar problems in the opening which largely stem from the difference between spoken and written English. For example: There were always a few black students in his lessons *who/which were. . . "That" is acceptable in speech, but not in narrative writing. The sentences do not flow together nearly as well as they could. There is a jarring quality to the short sentences combined with sentence fragments which can't be blamed on the content / subject matter.

Interest: .5/2  It's mildly interesting, but the descriptions are so minimal, and the dialogue leaning so hard towards wooden, that it's hard to both ground yourself in the narrative, or feel grabbed by it. The creepy voice in C's head is not enough, as it appears without context. There is no build-up to the voice appearing, nor is the voice described at all. People who 'hear voices' can normally describe the timbre and tone, as well as the gender of the voice. There's none of that here, which makes it seem like a ploy from the author to hook the reader with the promise of senseless violence and insanity. 

Quality of Prose: .5/2   There is a lot of blatant tell here. For example: When C's breathing quickens and his brow starts to furrow, we are told: disbelief. The reader *should* be able to tell what C is feeling/thinking without having to be told based on the technical skill of the description. We are also told C is despised by his teachers.  Told,  not shown. The teacher's behaviour has no contrast. We don't see her fawning over another student only to turn on C in the next moment and hassle him. We have no reason to believe that C really is disliked by teachers, and that's not a part of his own self-image coming out.