The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

Virtue (2nd Round)

Final Total: 2.6 (reshelved)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow:  .5/2 I like how you form sentences. There is a nice rhythm to them, although you do have a lot of grammatical errors along the way. There are a few places where the prose is stilted and stutters a bit, breaking the charm you have going otherwise. "However, he only gave himself fifteen..." doesn't really need to *however*, and the rest of the sentence has some tense issues. You have tense issues throughout what I have read. It might be worth running the text through something like Grammarly to catch those out if you struggle with it.

Interest: 1/2 You focus a little too much on the window. I get it. The room sucks, it has mould and it's cold. It doesn't need reiterating past the first. Yes, use it to explain why the roommate prefers to sleep elsewhere, but we don't really need to be told about it at length again after the first part. In fact, it might work better if you elaborate on it a little when you first mention it, then it wouldn't detract from the story again. There are more interesting things happening here, like More using his "body and dignity" for dry sleep. Which brings me to my issue - if More doesn't sleep in his bed, why wouldn't Jamie sleep there and avoid getting soaked at night? Also, it might be worth writing a bit more in depth about this whole needing to learn how to smile for the sake of something which is coming. It is really unclear about why he's doing it, and also I'm not sure what you mean by saying he is a left-handed man?

Quality of Prose: 1/2 As before: I like how you form your words. But some of your sentences are too long, and the point of them gets lost along the way. You write in a sort of quiet, calm way, which I can appreciate, but this piece feels like it's not polished enough, not quite yet there if you know what I mean. In some places, a completely different voice slips in, especially visible in the shower scene. 

Hook: 3/4 I quite enjoyed this. Moody, down-on-his-luck man who seems like a bit of a sociopath makes for an interesting character. He has that almost Sherlock aura around him of intelligence, which leaves me to wonder - why is his window perpetually broken? There are ways of fixing that, even temporarily. You can stretch a blanket across it, keep the warm air from escaping and rain from coming in. It works surprisingly well. Also, this is a school right? Why is this one room just an absolute tip? That feels a bit Harry Potter-esque, and I'm not sure how well that works, logically speaking.

Total: 5.5 (I've put the book back on the shelf)

Reader 2:

Grammar & Flow: 0/2 Starting out, I thought this was actually quite vivid, almost fresh. By the time I got to that divider thingy, my tolerance was starting to wear thin. The mistakes only got worse after the divider thingy, and right there you've lost me. The images begin alright, with the rain, but then tense/number/definite article issues start cropping up everywhere. 

'Masked by () thunder *that* echoed across the sky.' 

Rain shattering tree tops is an odd image. Slashed? Thrashed? Tree tops aren't stiff, at least I don't think of them that way, so shattering them makes it seem like they're disintegrating. You need a verb that will allow them to stay put, but move.

Second paragraph, Jaime is waking up... again.

'pulling himself upright and *striding* to the bathroom.'

'snapped him out of *his* trance.' 'The' trance sounds ritualistic.

'hard-*toothed* scrubber'

'the shower...*?* *spate?* *pour?* *unleash?*' I can understand this image, but 'spat' isn't the right word.

'the water *beading* on him turned cold.'