The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

An Inking of Thieves (Round 3)

Reader 1: No

Reader 2: No

Reader 3: No

Reader 1:

There are some fantastic features here. Magic in an urban setting, tattoos and graffiti as wards and glyphs, these are brilliant ideas. Normalised fae folk within the streets of London, with departments specially designed to deal with them and their needs - absolutely awesome. The main character, Ciaran, is interesting enough for the reader to want to follow his story.

Unfortunately, although you have a great setup, you haven't quite followed through on it.

My main issue is continuity. In chapter one, Ciaran is accosted by Deidre in the middle of a date. Specifically, barely an hour in. Considering this, it is quite reasonable to assume he would want to continue with it for as long as possible, but then in Chapter 2, all of sudden he has this part time job in a bookstore that he is already an hour late to? He barely seems to spend any time at FAE, so surely if he continued with his date he would have missed his shift all together? This doesn't quite add up. Then, to add to it the fact that Deidre tells him there's been an incident, things got messy, and he's referred to as a cleaner, but then all he does is change someones appearance? That doesn't track. I am sure that moving onto the rest of the story the connection will be clearer, but for now all I am is confused, and not the good kind of confused that keeps you reading.

Other than that, I am lacking a balance in the way you write. There's lots of description, long paragraphs of it, then an over-abundance of dialogue. Of course, a lot of readers would like lots of dialogue, but the rule of thumb is that it's there to advance the plot: you don't need to write out everything that is said. Especially in the second chapter, where you give us a lot of background information to the point it feels like I'm being spoon-fed, then switch into the Cooper conversation which again is just a bit too much. The dialogue doesn't really feel natural here, either. It works better in the first chapter, where the characters are more vivid. Here, it feels like they are trying too much to say the right words, instead of speaking naturally, especially when the inspector talks.

Little bits here and there: it would be nice to know from the start where your story is set within London, when you mention "even in this neighbourhood" is a good place to specify we're around Kensington. Also, the part where you describe Ciaran using magic is good, but it could us a bit of a rewrite, it got pretty repetitive. You actually have a bit too much repetition throughout, e.g. Alessandra getting up: her whole body, her bag, her coffee. There are a few moments like this one.

All in all, a good starting point, and I think with a good read through and edit you'd have something quite special, but it's not quite there yet.

Reader 2:
I enjoyed it, though the jump from one chapter into the other wasn't as smooth as it could have been. We left the first chapter with him walking down the sidewalk, then we begin the next one with a funny bit about the rain in London, but not a real reminder of where he's going until quite a few paragraphs later. Readers are a bit like gnats, unfortunately. Turning the 'page' means you have to provide a bit of continuity pretty dang quickly. You could almost cut out having him walk down the sidewalk, since it's redundant. We left him walking down the sidewalk, now he's still walking down the sidewalk. I know! There's a lot of worldbuilding going on in that bit! Hang on, it's ok, you can still stick it in somewhere, just maybe put it in somewhere later, so it's not separating the ending action of one chapter from the beginning action of the next. The main point of the chapter is his interaction with the people in the station. (Also, having your character 'go' places twice in one chapter makes it feel rushed and disjointed.) What I'm trying to say is, perhaps start with him sitting in the waiting room of the F.A.E. Building. That way, the jump is forward, and not into exactly the same place (i.e. stagnant).

The flow in the second chapter is fairly good, aside from the 'going' places, and we meet a couple new and interesting characters. I applaud your use of setting/situation to build both your character descriptions and the world we're in. I'm pretty comfortable with your setting descriptions, and I loved the description of how he uses his magic. It's still a little unclear, though, as to how the magic exists/reacts in this world. He's powerful, but his tolerance is low. What does that mean? Does he get drunk on it? Why do they have to suppress it if they also have to use it too? Why not just use it more often if that helps? Just a few questions you could maybe thread in some answers to on another go-through. (Without making it an info-dump! Just tell us what sort of things he has to do to keep his own magic at bay, and why he has to do it.)

The other thing I noticed is that Ciaran is a bit too self-conscious about what he looks like in relation to what other people look like, in the way a girl tends to be. Overall, he 'reads' a little more female than male at the moment. Not to demand stereotypes, but guys really do focus on different details than women do. Because biology or whatever. When you're writing, you can use that fact to make your character more believable. As a woman, though, writing from a guy's POV can be tricky because of that. We either write them the way we want them to be, (hence the creation of the heavily stereotyped Alpha Male in bodice rippers) or like ourselves. Just a note for future reference if you feel like honing him a tad.

For the genre you're aiming at, this isn't a bad start. Polish it up a bit, be careful with your continuity of character/plot, and you'll hook me if I'm looking for a light beach read.

Reader 3:

After the highly promising start, the second chapter mostly fizzles. And it fizzles for two reasons. 1) the sentences are often hard to understand. I wasn't entirely sure -- or was completely lost -- in a number of places as to what Day was actually on about. You can tell there is a point in there, but what it is? As clear as mud. And 2) nothing really happens until the end. The conversation between Day and Cooper is about as flat and inviting as a two-day old pancake. It not only reads like a blatant excuse to pass some world-info to the reader, but also starts to veer over into 'teen story', like "this really should be happening at school, but it's not". The glyph drawing is pleasant, but uneventful, and it's only the rush to the bookshop that brings back any of the humour.

Then there's the dicky phrasing.

Strobe lights are those flashing white lights they have in discos and concerts that induce epileptic fits. I hope FAE doesn't have that in their corridors as normal lighting!  If they do, it certainly needs some explaining. That's just one hiccup in the wording, another example would be  "her hair is dyed the same deep crimson as her eyes -- contacts, they're the latest trend..."  That sounds like the contacts dyed her eyes crimson. Dyeing is a chemical process, not a coloured piece of plastic. One would hope her eyes were not actually dyed that colour. There are a number of such ever-so-slightly misaligned phrases in this chapter.

When Day and the Seelie interact that's when the style of the first chapter starts to come back and the quality goes up. BUT! when the glyph writing starts, the voice Day is speaking in sounds really feminine. I don't believe this is coming from a guy. (Not even one of those 'nice' English guys)  It sound way too much like a girl. He's been teetering the whole chapter on the edge of sounding feminine, but that takes it right over.

The realisation that he's late and his bolt to the bookshop is actually the most interesting thing that happens. If anything the beginning of the chapter needs a few more passes for clarity, and to create more of an atmosphere.  The concept is still great, however, it just needs more sharpness and letting the reader in on more of the world.