The Gauntlet: Results and Reviews

An Inking of Thieves (2nd Round)

Final Total: 7 (we're taking the book over to the chairs and reading on...)

Reader 1:

Grammar & Flow: 1.5/2  The flow of the date doesn't seem to follow much sense. Alessandra seems pissed at him bailing at her, but at the same time as if she wishes she never went out with him in the first place? She's all to eager to leave without saying her peace, and her character just doesn't strike me as the roll-over kind of woman. I was expecting her to give him more crap for it. Or at least call him out on calling out after Deidre when they both know full well she can no longer hear.

Also, this is a story about magic, yes? And you mention it, here and there, in small little snippets of wards and itches, but other than that there is nothing of it there. It would be great to see some more.

Interest: 2/2  OK, I actually really likes this first chapter. I feel so bad for poor Ciaran, even though it feels like all his misfortune is of his own doing. London full of magic sounds like a great setting for a story, and the characters feel rather real. I like Alessandra, although I have a feeling we won't see much of her later. But she's feisty and seems fun, while Deidre is just a little bit too stiff maybe, almost to the point of being a prop rather than a character. But that would only need a few minor adjustments.

Quality of Prose: 1/2 A bit too much dialogue for my liking. It is well written dialogue, you can clearly see who is speaking when, even without you noting it, and it does propel the story forward, but it is still dialogue and too much of it is a no in my book. Ciaran's internal monologue, on the other hand, is snappy and fun. I enjoyed his view of the situation, especially how you wrote his fake bravado, and the scared reality so close to the surface. Good job.

Hook: 3/4  A date broken by a policewoman who just has to have you come with her? Great story starter, and I am looking forward to seeing more of their dynamic, and how it will unfold across the story. Ciaran and his poor reputation are also a strong incentive to continue. 

Total: 7.5 (I'm interested in reading on)

Reader 2:

Grammar & Flow: 1/2 The grammar is fine, but I caught one Americanism: is she mad? Should be: is she angry? Mad would indicate crazy.  The flow of the dialogue worked very well, but after the initial tit-for-tat  between C and D ended and the description began, the flow began to stumble. The sentences were not as easy to read, and the phrasing erred more on the awkward side. 

Interest: 2/2  Very enjoyable. Sounds like a humorous romp and I'd certainly read on for a chapter or two to see if it kept up. 

Quality of Prose: 1/2 Tough call here. There are parts which fit the comedy genre very well, and then other parts  -- mainly the info and descriptive bits -- that become self-conscious and a tad confused. When C is saying how he feels or observing A in the middle of the chapter, for example, the quality drops there.   

I would suggest just a tad bit more description of the setting or characters to pad out the comedy just slightly. Comedy writing is bare in general, so you're on the absolute right track there, but still, it could stand with a little more meat on its bones. 

I'm not a fantasy reader and one of the big reasons for that is that I, personally, dislike having unknown or made-up terms thrown at me from the start. An example would be "glyphs". His glyphs hide his embarrassment. That's something either to be explained right there, or to wait until it fits naturally into the story. It might just be me, but I find things like that really irritating. 

Hook: 2.5/ 4  All-in-all the wit of the opening and dialogue carries the reader very well into the story. We know very clearly who is who and what the situation is. A wrecked date is a good opener and allows you to show off the character of C in a natural way. He's not as cocky or confident as he acts -- or would like you, and himself, too -- to think. Nicely done. Still needs a pass or two more to be really great, but you're well on your way there. 

Total: 6.5  (I'm interested in reading on)

Reader 3:

Grammar & Flow:1.5/2 You need a few more dialogue tags in that middle dialogue. *gasp* I know! But what about the, 'Dialogue tags are EEEEVIL!' movement! Well...dialogue tags have rights too, dag nab it! It's fairly clear he's only talking to Dierdre, but a few wouldn't hurt the back and forth. Make them action tags if you want, just sprinkle some in there to keep the dialogue from turning into a string of sentences going boom-boom-boom in my brain. It takes me out of the scene a little too far, which interrupts the flow a smidge. Also, what is Alessandra doing during this repartee? This is the problem with straight dialogue, you lose visuals if it goes on too long.

'I'd like nothing more *than* to say no.'

Other than that, this was really easy to read, and even had me chuckling out loud in places.

Interest: 1.5/2 Ok. Interest is definitely piqued, especially when we get to this worldbuilding line, 'But I've got too little money to say no, and the familiar itch of my magic is starting to take root at the back of my mind.' Glorious. Love it. There is one little question I think you could slide an answer to in here somewhere, though: More what? Drugs? Licorice candy? Tacos? It sounds like it might be 'using his magic properly', but I'm not sure why using his magic has something to do with needing money... Bit of a fuzzy puzzle, here. Not bad enough to keep me from reading on to find out, just something you could maybe think through a little. No need to go whole-hog and dump a ton of info, just refine what he needs more of.

Quality of Prose: 1/2

The interaction between Day and Dierdre is fairly comical, but there are a few teensy places you could tweak. Specifically, this bit:

'You couldn't have just called me?' through 'We're not in the Stone Age anymore.'

Day's rejoinder to her 'Do you even have a phone?' could be slightly more related to her question so it's not vague implication. 'Yes. Cairan have phone. Big phone! Buttons!' I dunno, that's just a suggestion, use it or don't, but I thought I'd mention it since I was thinking about it.

The rest is good.

Hook: 3/4 Ok. I would definitely keep reading. You've created tension, given your MC motivation to keep going, created a situation that has to resolve itself, and kicked your story into action. Well done. Firm up that little bit of world building, and it'll be even better. 

Total: 7 (I've added this book to my basket)