Final Total: 2.6 (reshelved)
Reader 1:
Grammar & Flow: .5/2 I like how you form sentences. There is a nice rhythm to them, although you do have a lot of grammatical errors along the way. There are a few places where the prose is stilted and stutters a bit, breaking the charm you have going otherwise. "However, he only gave himself fifteen..." doesn't really need to *however*, and the rest of the sentence has some tense issues. You have tense issues throughout what I have read. It might be worth running the text through something like Grammarly to catch those out if you struggle with it.
Interest: 1/2 You focus a little too much on the window. I get it. The room sucks, it has mould and it's cold. It doesn't need reiterating past the first. Yes, use it to explain why the roommate prefers to sleep elsewhere, but we don't really need to be told about it at length again after the first part. In fact, it might work better if you elaborate on it a little when you first mention it, then it wouldn't detract from the story again. There are more interesting things happening here, like More using his "body and dignity" for dry sleep. Which brings me to my issue - if More doesn't sleep in his bed, why wouldn't Jamie sleep there and avoid getting soaked at night? Also, it might be worth writing a bit more in depth about this whole needing to learn how to smile for the sake of something which is coming. It is really unclear about why he's doing it, and also I'm not sure what you mean by saying he is a left-handed man?
Quality of Prose: 1/2 As before: I like how you form your words. But some of your sentences are too long, and the point of them gets lost along the way. You write in a sort of quiet, calm way, which I can appreciate, but this piece feels like it's not polished enough, not quite yet there if you know what I mean. In some places, a completely different voice slips in, especially visible in the shower scene.
Hook: 3/4 I quite enjoyed this. Moody, down-on-his-luck man who seems like a bit of a sociopath makes for an interesting character. He has that almost Sherlock aura around him of intelligence, which leaves me to wonder - why is his window perpetually broken? There are ways of fixing that, even temporarily. You can stretch a blanket across it, keep the warm air from escaping and rain from coming in. It works surprisingly well. Also, this is a school right? Why is this one room just an absolute tip? That feels a bit Harry Potter-esque, and I'm not sure how well that works, logically speaking.
Total: 5.5 (I've put the book back on the shelf)
Reader 2:
Grammar & Flow: 0/2 Starting out, I thought this was actually quite vivid, almost fresh. By the time I got to that divider thingy, my tolerance was starting to wear thin. The mistakes only got worse after the divider thingy, and right there you've lost me. The images begin alright, with the rain, but then tense/number/definite article issues start cropping up everywhere.
'Masked by () thunder *that* echoed across the sky.'
Rain shattering tree tops is an odd image. Slashed? Thrashed? Tree tops aren't stiff, at least I don't think of them that way, so shattering them makes it seem like they're disintegrating. You need a verb that will allow them to stay put, but move.
Second paragraph, Jaime is waking up... again.
'pulling himself upright and *striding* to the bathroom.'
'snapped him out of *his* trance.' 'The' trance sounds ritualistic.
'hard-*toothed* scrubber'
'the shower...*?* *spate?* *pour?* *unleash?*' I can understand this image, but 'spat' isn't the right word.
'the water *beading* on him turned cold.'
'*His* tie *ended* exactly *one inch* above *his* belt buckle.' (Right here is a huge, glaring clue that English is quite possibly a second language. The word order is off, and the singular articles are wrong. Not impossible to fix, but obvious and often annoying to a native reader.)
'and critically adjusting *them* until the grin...'
'*weaseled*'
'windows that *functioned* properly'
'There *was* mold *thickening* in dampened corners, and the *floorboards* trembled as though *they* would give out at any moment...'
'a ancient thing that *could not* withstand'
'anything that *fell* from the sky *fell* into their room'
'escaped *outside*, leaving the room at () meat-locker () temperature'
'shivering in and out of *consciousness*'
'judging from the winces he spied () when More thought he wasn't looking'
'Jaime *that* *More* *would trade* his body and his dignity'
'much needed coffee*,*" Jaime said, tossing More's bag'
Interest:0/2 There are too many big, confusing questions to make me want to keep reading. What in all heck are these boys doing living in a place like this? Why in all heck would Jaime be trying to become Head Boy of a place like this? You're losing me with this depiction, even if it's just an artistic decision meant to illustrate some sort of inner chaos. Maybe make it clearer that becoming Head Boy will fix his problems, somehow.
Learning to be a left-handed man for so long has exactly WHAT to do with adjusting his smile? I'm lost.
Also, jumping from Jaime's close POV to suddenly describing another boy out of nowhere, and backing off to a distant 3rd in 'Jaime had remarked that More looked quite terrifically fashionable' makes the move from one section to the next disorienting.
What does that mean, to be in a 'compromise situation with a trust for the sake of leverage?'
Quality of Prose: 1/2 While some of your word choices are unusual and therefore interesting, I'm not sure if that's deliberate, or a happy accident, because there are times when you get it very wrong.
I have no idea what 'irises a hard color of frozen ground' look like. Grey? White? Black?
Why are we so focused on these shutters? They leak. Got it the first time. It's wet because the shutters leak. Got it the first time. No need to go on and on about a bit of setting.
Hook:0/4 As a hook, this doesn't work. It might. There's something in here that could be pretty good, I think, but the grammar problems and the weird imagery and the questions created by the setting/ situation all conspire together to wreck my interest in going any further.
Total: 1 (I've put the book back on the shelf)
Reader 3:
Grammar & Flow: 0/2 I have no idea what to make of this opening. It's like someone with an intermediate level of English found a dictionary-thesaurus, and set about adding words far above their language level into the narrative, creating an incongruent mix of really basic errors and advanced vocabulary. The bizarre phrasing which accompanies it doesn't help matters. Certainly, the author is translating directly from their native language without knowing how to accurately render certain phrases into English. Or is using Google Translate, which could also explain it.
As far as flow, there are huge gaps in the story ( the jump from J being in the shower to him being dressed) and then the narrative hovers over the same thing for far too long (their dorm room). That makes the pace too fast in parts and too slow in others, jerking the reader forward and then stopping abruptly.
Interest: 1/2 There is a glimmer of something of interest in there, but it's not being brought out like it needs to be. The details the author chooses to show lack appeal, even for a school story. The storm might be interesting, as well as the culture of bartering homosexual favours among the students, but those things are left in the background while more uninteresting things -- like harping on the state of the dorm room or J's getting up in the morning -- are focused on.
Quality of Prose: .5/2 There is an attempt at description in there, but it comes off as mostly ham-fisted when it's not being hampered by the incorrect -- and at times downright unintelligible -- English.
Hook: 0/4 Error-ridden English, bizarre phrasing and a discombobulated narrative. I'd have stopped reading well before the end of the required reading passage. This story may have a great plot and character arc, but I'd have to dig through too much nonsense to find it. As it is now, I wouldn't waste my time -- and certainly not my money!-- on something this sloppily done. With the grammar software that is available for free, there really is no excuse. Sorry. With a rewrite and proper language, I might give it another look. Might.
Total: 1.5 (I've put the book back on the shelf)