"Hey Skylar..." Cher taps on my shoulder, "You ok love?"
I'm quick to wipe at the tears stinging my eyes and turn to face her with a bright smile, "Yeah why wouldn't it be?"
Cher huffs and gives me a sad smile, "You don't have to pretend with me. I know Dylan can be a major fucking ass."
I sigh, "Guess I shouldn't go out for an acting gig any time soon."
"No, I think you should stick to writing."
I give her a weak smile, "I just don't get it... we were fine then the next thing he's blowing up and storming off. Now? He thinks I'm out with Andrew doing god knows what and is blaming me!"
"Do you want to head out?" she asks, "Maybe go see him?"
I contemplate it for a moment then anger takes over, "No way, he can't just yell at me and assume I'm doing something wrong." I state firmly, "He's the one who blew up at me, he can come to me and apologize."
"Well I certainly hope you don't hold your breath on that." Cher mutters.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"I mean...." Cher rolls her eyes, "I just don't see him running back and asking for your forgiveness any time soon."
She simply shrugs then heads back over to our friends who are having a blast bowling. She joins them and immediately has the attention on her with her bright smile and sassy attitude. I was having a great time, my mind wasn't completely consumed with the fight I had with Dylan. Now, I just want to sit in a corner for a damn breather.
This wasn't my fault.
I repeat that over and over to myself as I go to the bathroom to fix my smeared makeup. I just wanted to have something special, something new with Dylan. Show him how enjoyable family holidays can be. Sure fights can happen, but that doesn't mean it's always going to happen. Mom made holidays so special and a big deal I can't see how I can have a relationship with someone who won't even attempt to be apart of my family.
Giving up on my looks I leave the bathroom and run right into Mason.
He laughs, "Ok... I really thought we were passed this."
"Guess we aren't..."
"You ok?" he reaches up and rubs away some dried makeup from under my eye, "You seem a bit.... tense since that phone call."
"I'm fine Mason."
He raises a knowing brow, "Doesn't seem like it. Andrew said the guy went hay wired on the phone when he answered. Was it Dylan?"
"Well maybe Andrew shouldn't be answering my phone."
"Maybe Dylan should be trusting you with other guys."
I glare at him, "He does trust me... he just has a jealousy streak."
"Every guy does. I mean I can't blame him especially with you surrounded by all those guys falling over themselves for your attention."
"Mason they are not falling over themselves for my attention. Maybe Cher's but not mine."
He shakes his head, "You really don't see it do you? Any guy on this campus would break his leg if it meant he'd get a chance for you. Yet somehow you ended up with Dylan."
I sense a bit of bitterness in Mason's tone and I'm starting to think Dylan isn't so wrong about Mason's feelings or intentions towards me, "Dylan isn't as bad as you think he is."
"Yeah, maybe. But if I were him I'd be treating you a lot different that he is right about now. And I definitely wouldn't be home while you went out with a bunch of guys."
"First off, I can do what I want with who I want. Second, Dylan treats me amazingly. Sure he has his moments and we have our fights and our own issues. But those are between him and I. Dylan trusts me enough to know I'm not going to throw our relationship away for some guy just because him and I had a fight. Now can we get back to bowling so I can whoop your butt for a forth time?"
Mason laughs, "Get your facts straight Skylar, it was twice." he wraps his arm around my shoulders.
"Oh, that's right... I let you win the third time."
"Oh ouch," he covers his heart with his hand, "That one hurt me."
I poke his chest, "Good it was suppose to. Now lets see your skills."
The next hour I do my best to have fun with my friends and listen to Cher as she explains her date night with Logan in between turns. I check my phone every now and then, expecting a text or a call from Dylan. But my hopes are crushed every time I look and find nothing. As the minutes tick by I start to think Cher is right. Dylan isn't going to show up, he isn't going to change his mind about holidays and I'm the one whose going to have to cave this time.
"That's right Andrew, read it and weep!" Cher gloats in Andrew's face when she realized she beat him by seven points.
"That's only because you had the bumpers on. How about another round and this time... no bumpers."
"Oh you guys are so on!"
They start up the next game, "Hey you going to play again Skylar?" Cher asks.
"Actually, I'm going to head back. I have to finish up a paper tomorrow."
She purses her lips, "Does that paper have a name... like Dylan?" she crosses her arms over her chest.
"I have to at least talk to him. Or I won't sleep tonight."
Her arms fall, "Fine, I'll drive you back to campus."
"No, no way. You need to show these guys how it's done." I laugh, "I'll take the bus over to his place." I grab my jacket and purse.
"Jeez, I'm still shocked you know where he lives. He wouldn't even tell me."
"Guess there's something he's willing to change."
Cher smiles, "I hope so."
Saying goodbye to the guys I make my way to the bus stop and call Dylan. It rings till his voicemail picks up.
"Hey Dylan.... I'm heading over to your place." I hang up and tuck my phone into my purse and find a seat at the back of the bus.
The ride over to Dylan's side of town is about fifteen minutes and the walk is another five. My nerves are on over load as I walk down the dark driveway past Rob and Mary's house. The lights in the living room are on and I can see the sports channel playing. When I round around to Dylan's apartment, it's completely dark and his jeep isn't there either. I take my chances and knock on the door.
No answer.
I try his cell again, only to hear it faintly inside.
"Of course." I hang up and try the door.
Surprisingly it's unlocked.
I kick my shoes off and close the door behind me. I click on the lights and the whole downstairs light up. It's quiet as I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from his fridge that is pretty much empty as well. There is his phone right on the kitchen counter. I tap the screen and see the miss calls from me but something grabs my attention....
There's several missed calls from Olivia.
My heart begins to race in my chest. He wouldn't.... there's no way. My mind starts racing with all the horrible disgusting thoughts of why Olivia would be calling him. Has she always called him? Does he answer when she calls?
Imagines of her sitting on his lap and running her hand through his hair start to drown me in my own mind. He told me she meant nothing to him, so why is she calling him? Why do I even care?
I go upstairs and look at his neatly made bed, for a guy he is pretty clean thank goodness. Making myself comfy I rest against the headboard and try not to think of the million and one reasons why Dylan's old no-strings-attatched buddy would be calling him. I scroll aimlessly through Instagram looking through hair pictures and home cooking videos. My mind needs a distraction right now and nothing seems to be working.
It's been an hour since I've been here and still no Dylan.
Maybe he went to campus to come and apologize to me. Maybe Cher was wrong and he is going to try holidays with me?
My mind won't turn off with all the what if's and maybes. It's making me feel crazy not knowing where he is or what he's doing.... or even who he's with.
Laying down and taking a nap will do nothing for me when my mind won't shut off. So I go down stairs and start running the shower till it warms up. Maybe washing off the day will help me to calm my racing mind. Under the hot water I let my shoulders relax and let out a long slow breath trying to let go some of this anxiety. This is exhausting, trying to convince myself that Dylan isn't off with Olivia, that he isn't going to go and disappear, or that he isn't at that stupid club getting himself killed.
Suddenly over the pelting of the shower I hear the front door open and my body stills, "Dylan?" I call out.
The bathroom door opens and I hold my breath listening to his heavy steps, to him closing the door. "When did you get here?" his voice sounds ragged and raw.
"A little over an hour ago."
The bathroom falls silent as I wait for the next move. Over the water I hear the rustling of clothing then the curtain is drawn back as he steps into the water. Instinctively I cover my bare chest all too aware of being completely naked in front of him. I shuffle around to let him under the water afraid to look at him, afraid to see the anger in his eyes or worse... no emotion at all.
"What are you leaving?"
"Uhm, no I was... moving over so you could get the water."
I stare at our feet, he's standing just inches away from me and my arms have seemed to turn into cinder blocks and I can't lift them. He tips my chin up with his finger till our eyes meet. I'm washed with guilt when I don't see anger, I don't see void, all I see is pure hurt.
"Dylan, I..."
"I really don't want to fucking talk about anything right now." his voice is just as raw as earlier, like he's been screaming or worse crying.
"Ok."
He leans over and kisses me softly, he cups the back of my neck holding me to his body. His lips are soft and ghost over mine, like a whisper. His gentle touch makes me want to cry. He reaches behind me and shuts off the water, we trip over the side of the tub both laughing, desperate to keep the other as close as we can stumbling through the hallway and into living room before I'm falling back onto his couch and his body falls onto mine.
The warmth of his body spreads completely over me and we both moan in pleasure as our bodies tangle and mold together. We've been intimate together, just hours ago we were at my dorm room. This? Completely bare beneath him feeling every powerful inch of his skin pressed against mine?
This is enough to send me straight over the edge even without him touching me.
Dylan deepens the kiss, nipping at my bottom lip and tangling his fingers into my wet hair pulling at the roots. I gasp from the slight pain mixing with the blissful pleasure of his hand caressing my waist traveling down between my legs.
My body shivers with anticipation for what's to come next. Mere hours have passed since Dylan's hands were last on me and yet it feels like it's been years and my body is desperate for the next fix. His fingers find my center and my lower stomach tightens. He groans into our kiss creating small, slow strokes around my sex.
My head gets foggy and my breath shallows, "God your so fucking wet for me." his voice rasps in my ear before he peppers soft kisses down my neck, "You know I'm the only man who can do this to you?"
I roll my head to the side closing my eyes tightly, he slips one finger inside of me causing me to cry out in pleasure, "See, only I can do this to you."
Slowly he pulses his finger in and out of me, his thumb working slow circles around my clitoris, my legs fall from his waist and I dig my heels into the cushion desperate for more. His lips work down to my breasts sucking my nipple into his warm mouth.
"Dylan!" my body arches involuntarily.
"That's right baby," he leans his forehead against mine his hot ragged breath fanning across me, "your mine."
He slips another finger inside, stretching me further. My hips buck and my legs shake as my stomach tightens. Dylan ducks his head against my neck softly kissing the delicate skin above my collar bone, "Your so beautiful you know that? So fucking beautiful."
Dylan leans back sitting up, leaving my body cold as he fingers delve in and our of me. I try to reach for him but he denies me, "Lay back baby... I need to watch you."
His words scare me but I can't fight, not with the way his eyes are worshiping my body, not with the way his fingers are taking everything I have. His free hand cups one of my breasts messaging it gently just as his fingers increase in speed. There's to much and I can't hold on for much longer. I grip at the fabric of the couch my mouth falls open and the edge is coming soon as my climax fast approaches.
"I fucking love how you respond to me.... look at me beautiful." I open my eyes and look at him, his eyes full of desire as he watches his fingers slip in and out of me, "Do you like watching me Skylar?"
His eyes meet mine and I can't answer, he smirks, "I know you do baby. I know you love how I'm the only man whose ever touched you... the only man who can make you come like this. Sit up and watch me." his voice demands filled with lust.
Dylan removes his fingers from me and I whine like a child just before he lays down and spreads my legs further, "Dylan I can't..."
I cry out as his mouth takes my sex, my head falls backwards as pleasure rips through my body creating a blissful heaven for me. His tongue licks and laps at my heat, encouraging me to come undone. I lift my head back up and look down to see his dark messy hair between my legs and excitement rips through me. Oh god, I try to close my legs but he pushes them back apart with his hands then slides two fingers back into me. My heart is racing and I can't hold on much longer.
Dylan looks up at me through his dark lashes and hooded eyes, "Fuck my fingers baby."
His hand encourages my hips to move when he leans back and it's foreign to me at first. I feel like a fish out of water till I find a rythem with his slow moving hands. He watches me with heavy eyes, "Your so beautiful fucking my fingers."
That's my unraveling, I fall back to the couch and my whole body erupts in pure pleasure. Waves of bliss pass over me as I call out Dylan's name one last time till I fall back to earth. Dylan slips his fingers from me and leans over me. He leaves a kiss to my swollen lips and I can barely kiss him back.
"I'm the only man who can do this to you.... remember that."
Suddenly he's gone from me. Leaving me alone and naked on his couch as he climbs the stairs to his room. I've hardly caught my breath and wrap my mind around what just happened and he's already gone. I sit up and try to center myself, my legs are weak as I walk to the bathroom for a towel then slowly ascend the stairs.
Dylan's dressed in boxer shorts and nothing else, "I laid out a shirt and sweats for you." he says sounding miles away.
"Thanks." I whisper going to the bed and grabbing what he's laid out for me.
What is happening?
I turn away from him and change into the dry clothing. Dylan is right here but... he's not. Which is nothing new for him but after what just happened, what he just said. I'm so confused. I can't let this go, something is wrong. Well actually, a lot is wrong.
"What's wrong?" I bravely ask.
"Who the fuck answered your phone?"
"Excuse me?"
He spins around and rests against the railing at the stairs, "Who the fuck answered your phone and where the fuck did you go?"
My head spins, "We are still on this?"
"Yes, Skylar we are still on this. I don't fucking appreciate calling MY girlfriend and some ass answering it and making a complete idiot out of me. How do you think that makes me fucking feel?" he shouts.
Ok, so we are still here. Anger rips at my core, "Seriously? You want to talk about feelings, how's this one for you, why is Olivia blowing up your phone?" I fire back at him.
His eyes narrow, "You went through my phone?"
"So your not going to deny it?" I cross my arms over my chest.
"There's nothing to deny. So what the bitch has been calling me."
"Have you answered?" Dylan gives me a stern look and I already know the answer to that, "Is that where you went tonight?"
"Why the fuck would you care when you were out with some other guy? You didn't care how that would make me feel why should I care what you feel?"
Slapped, that's exactly how I feel right now, like he just slapped me across the face, "I went bowling Dylan! Remember, I invited you along before you stormed off from my dorm like some child!"
"Well maybe if you would of told me that I wouldn't of had to go see Olivia." he sneers at me and my heart shatters.
I step back from him like he's a fire threatening to burn me down, or maybe he already has. Tears sting my eyes, "So what just happened.... was that your way of apologizing for running to Olivia. Or was that your sick twisted way of claiming me?"
"Your mine." he growls, "I wanted you to remember what we have between us that... that bastard can never make you feel like I can."
"I never questioned what we have Dylan!" I shout feeling utterly sick to my stomach, feeling completely used and discarded, "But I'm not the one who ran off to some old fuck buddy of mine!"
"I was pissed Skylar! Nothing happened!"
"Did you touch her?" I sob.
His face twists with disgust, "Are you fucking asking me that right now?"
"What do you expect? You told me all Olivia ever was to you was a meaningless hook up. Now you run to her when we fight? How... how could you do that to me?" my voice cracks along with me.
I walk past him and dodge his reach out, "Where are you going? Don't leave me!"
"I'm not!" I shout, "I'm... I need space. I'm sleeping on the couch. I just.... I can't sleep next to you tonight and I'm to exhausted to go back to my dorm."
His eyes beg me to stay, "I can't sleep without you."
"Well.... maybe you should of thought of that before you went running to Olivia."
I walk down the stairs and over to the couch. I hear his fast steps down the stairs then pad over to me, "I wouldn't of if I hadn't thought you were cheating on me." he kneels next to me, "Skylar you... I was afraid I was loosing you I didn't know what the fuck to do!" his voice pleads with me to understand.
I look down at him with blurred vision. The man who I'm falling for ran to another woman. "Well... you did the wrong thing Dylan."
The way his eyes are begging for understanding hurts me... but nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling in my chest at the thought of him running to Olivia. If she was just a meaningless hook up then why would he run to her?
"Baby please...." he reaches for me but all I can think is that he could of touched her, "I didn't.... fuck Skylar I thought you were leaving me. I was scared, I can't fucking loose you."
"Why Dylan?" I beg, tears spilling to my cheeks, "Why did you run to her, how could you possibly think that after everything I've been through with you that I could go and cheat on you?"
I'm not sure what stings more, the fact he ran to her or the fact he has so little faith in me that I could cheat on him.
He doesn't reply just lowers his head in defeat. I feel sick to my stomach, how do we keep going in circles like this? One moment we are in pure heaven the next we're plummeting fast towards hell. I want to believe him, that it was a mistake but... the thought alone of him talking to Olivia makes me furious.
"Do you want her?" my voice shakes and he looks up at me, "Is that who you want? Because I won't be in some competition with that girl. It's all me or nothing. So you better smarten up and figure it out before I become invested beyond the point of no return."
"Baby don't say shit like that. You know I want you, god I want you in every fucking way possible. I fucked up, I was shit faced angry and I just... shit I couldn't get that image out of my head of another man touching you! Olivia is nothing to me, we use to talk way back when and I just... shit I just wanted you to feel like you were loosing me too."
His confession hurts me. Once more, he went out of his way to hurt me. Once more, he made sure to cause me pain when he was feeling pain. My body is exhausted and my head is pounding and my heart... well that's a story for another time.
I lay down and roll away from him facing the back of the couch and let the tears fall freely now, "Goodnight Dylan."
"That's it... that's all? Shit don't do this Skylar, we're together right! Talk to me! Let's figure this out!" his voice raises with a plea.
One I can't answer, "We should of talked earlier. Goodnight."
The apartment falls silent for a beat and for a moment I think he's left till he speaks once more, "Are you through with me... did I fuck it up this time?" his whispers.
I sigh, "I don't know."
He says nothing further and I curl into myself listening to his footsteps fade up the stairs. I try to calm myself, covering my mouth with my hand so he can't hear the sobs he caused me. I know Dylan and I are complicated but what if this is too much? What if I can never get the images out of my head of him and Olivia?
I lay awake till the apartment falls silent after what seems like hours and hours of Dylan pacing up stairs. He slammed something awhile ago and screamed out and then once more the apartment falls silent. My body is weighed down with sleepiness but I can't seem to rest. My mind is on a trip with no destination in sight.
Did he go to far this time?
Did he hurt me beyond forgiveness this time?
I hear soft padded footsteps down the stairs and I hold my breath, pretending to be asleep. My heart races when I know he's behind me but I don't move. He lays behind me and tucks me impossibly close against his chest and my heart breaks a little more with him holding me but I don't want him to let go. I don't want to loose him but what if I already did?
"Don't leave me...." he whispers into my hair before kissing the back of my neck, "It's you baby... it's always been you."
He molds his body against mine his arms shaking as he holds me. A few tears roll over my cheeks allowing myself to be surrounded by him once again.
Dylan is the only person I've ever felt safe with, but he's also the only person who has caused me the worse of pains.... how do you give that up....
When do I decide that I've had enough?