Mateo was right. If I was leaving, I had to commit to it. I didn't call Jimin until much much later that night, in an attempt to control myself that failed in the end. People were out celebrating New Year's Eve, and the last few hours of 2018, but I was agonizing over a phone call to make.
"Riti!" Jimin yelled once he picked up. "What took you so long?"
I didn't say anything, I just stared at the ground.
"Hello? Riti? What's wrong? I can hear you breathing from this end."
"I hate you." I said, trying to control the emotion rising in my chest.
He paused for a moment before responding. "Why?"
I shrugged. "I just hate you, that's all."
"Are you mad about the Baek Hee situation?"
I shook my head silently, trying to hold back my tears. It's a good thing he couldn't see me right now as I was trying my hardest not to let my voice betray how upset I was. How embarrassing.
"Listen, I don't know what happened. I didn't talk to her about it. They just didn't follow through on their threat I guess... so I'm safe for now."
"Oh really? So your company is fine with you dating now?"
"Well no, of course not anytime soon."
"I really do hate you."
"I–I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry."
"I don't want to hear you say sorry."
I heard him sigh from the other side of the phone.
"I want to see you." I mumbled.
Jimin whined, "I do too. It's just that... the company is keeping an eye on what I do and where I go, at least for the time being."
"That's good." The farther we stay away the easier it's going to be to get over him.
"I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with you." He said.
I turned over in bed, almost imagining what it'd be like if he was here with me. "I wish you were here."
"I want to see you, I want to touch you." He whispered.
I half-gasped but just buried my tomato-red face into the pillow.
For a few moments I just stayed there silently, my imagination running wild, but Jimin broke the silence. "Why are we in different parts of Seoul?"
I let out a laugh. "Why are we in different parts of the world?"
He fell silent.
I continued, "I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, you know."
"I... I want to come visit, but we'll be touring and producing music till May."
"Good." I said stubbornly.
"Why is that good?"
"Because I hate you. And I don't think a long-distance thing could ever work out."
"But," he started protesting, but paused. We both stayed that way for a bit. "No, you're right. It wouldn't work out."
My breathing hitched and I groaned into the pillow.
"Riti, you don't know what you do to me every time I'm around you... I feel like I've become childish these days, become immature. It's a great feeling... But this last week really made me think."
I think I knew where he was headed with this, and it stung to wait around and hear him say it.
"You're still establishing yourself. You have so many goals you need to accomplish. You're capable of so much."
I teared up. Now he was talking like my frickin' mom. And the worst part was that I could hear him choking up too.
"You need to focus on yourself. Don't be distracted by me. I don't want to be the person standing between you and your dreams."
I almost laughed at the irony of it all. He was saying everything I'd been rehearsing to tell him during the day. "I really do hate you," I said with a half-hearted laugh. I could almost see Jimin smiling on the other end.
"Delete my number." I told him firmly after holding back my sobs with a deep breath.
"I will. You delete mine, then, too." He muttered quietly.
"I will."
Time stood still for a bit, and we just listened to each other breathe.
"I can't wait to see where you'll go. You have it in you." He said finally.
I want to catch up. I want to stand by your side again, but as an equal. I want to start over and meet you and love you and be accepted by everyone around us. I want it to actually work out, not just be a fluke and accidental meetings. If only I'd gotten a few brand deals, been a little older, pursued what I'd wanted to do and been good at it... before meeting you.
Sometimes in life, timing is everything.
"Jimin... did you know? I'm really grateful that I met you."
I heard him exhale a little laugh. "So do I deserve a New Year's kiss?"
I looked at the little alarm clock next to my bed. Midnight was approaching. We were saying goodbye to 2018 together, it seemed.
"So we're not going to see each other or talk to each other again, right?" I asked.
"Don't waste your time on me, Riti, my hands are tied for now. This time of your life is crucial."
"Well you too. Don't get into this kind of trouble again. You've worked way too hard to give it up now."
"I won't. I almost can't remember why I'd done it in the first place."
Silence again.
"I'm going to forget you, okay? I'm not going to message you ever again." I said. I had to say it, don't know why. It felt like I was trying to get his approval, to be on the same plane of understanding.
"Good," he echoed. "I won't call you again either."
I thought I'd cry again, but I felt more at peace now that we both understood where we were headed. In some sense, as much as I was going to miss what a ride this year had been, I couldn't wait for what lay ahead for me. For him.
He started counting down from ten, and I realized it was 11:59 already. I joined him at 3... 2... 1... "Happy New Year!"
We both laughed over the phone and I gave a little, "mwah" to him. "There. You got your New Year's kiss... and also a present."
"A present?"
"Yup. That peace of mind about Baek Hee. You can thank me later." I chuckled.
He probably had no idea what I was actually talking about, but just laughed along.
"Actually I have a present for you too..." He kissed the phone, "Mwah."
I giggled. "That's the present?"
"No... it's something for you from when I was missing you. I guess you haven't received it yet. You'll see."
"Nah I'm good, thanks," I joked.
We both teased each other about silly things and giggled before settling down again.
I spoke: "Jiminnie... I don't want to see you again. It'll be too painful."
He joked. "If we're talking about hurt, I don't even want to hear your voice again."
"Then—this is it?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
"Well then... goodnight."
"Goodnight Riti."
"Good–Goodbye."
He took in a deep breath before responding sweetly, "Goodbye."
We both stayed on the phone longer, quietly and silently, unwilling to end the call. He finally hung up after I heard Hoseok's voice in the distance. I numbly put my phone down by my side. This was okay, this was fine. I was okay.
I finally picked up my phone again to message my friends and family a Happy New Year. One of my school friends messaged me, "Ooh! Your boyfriend's new song is amazing."
I responded, "Who?"
She messaged back: "Jimin, who else."
I was shaken for a moment, but then realized that she knew nothing about the last few months. I fondly remembered how I'd called him my "boyfriend" in my school days. After all, he was... and continues to be... one of the people most precious to me.
But wait, a new song?
I checked Twitter, and discovered that I'd missed a tweet from Jimin in the day's craziness. It was from several hours ago. "A song for me, a song for you..." A new original song?!
I played it and almost immediately gasped when I recognized the tune of his singing. It was the same one he'd hummed to me on the car ride back home from the party, something he'd come up with while basking in the moonlight and with his head resting on mine. When everything had slowed down just for us. When it was all picture perfect. When it was just our pure and innocent feelings. My first love.
Everything I'd been holding back all evening came rushing all at once, my tears overflowing, flooding me. As I listened to the song I cried my heart out. I didn't hold back since I was alone... but not quite feeling alone either. Despite the harsh words spoken today I knew there was something unspoken there about our future. Something we bit back from saying but something that didn't need to be said. A desire to meet again. Our promise.
I sit alone, slumped down
And I break myself down with these thoughts
You probably don't even know
When you started hurting me
You're hurting too 'cause you're mine
I just want to blow your mind
You're only drifting further away like this
I say that it's all fine
The truth is that's a lie
I want you to be your light, baby
You should be your light
So you won't hurt anymore, so you can smile more
I want you to be your night, baby
You could be your night
I'll be honest with you tonight
Now promise me, oh, oh
Several times a day, oh, oh
Even if you feel that you are alone, oh, oh
Don't throw yourself away, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hold on for a moment
Intertwine our pinkies
And promise me now, oh, oh, oh, oh