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I fear what others consider to be "weird" things,
But I can never ignore the panic that all of them bring
The future, love, not being good enough,
Relationships, and all of the phobia stuff
They scare me,
They do nothing short of terrorize me
Sometimes I can't breathe
It feels like someone is stepping on my throat
I'm heaving and heaving, but my chest still feels cold
Panic
Sometimes, the panic gets so bad when
I have to just close my eyes and count to ten
The pressure fucking hates me
It downright suffocates me
I hate this feeling
It does nothing less than leave my mind reeling
Because all of the possibilities that I'm seeing
Are decomposing me,
They'll be the death of me
It feels like I'm dying
When it hits, it hits hard
Waking up in the middle night with this pain in my heart
To stop the shaking,
To stop my whole world from quaking,
I count to ten,
Or else the monsters will come again
I don't have it in me to cry in front of Ethan again
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Bi-Curious
Chapter 24:
"Count to Ten"
Charlie
"Dinner's ready!" I announce, setting a plate down for everyone at the bar. "Does anyone want some lemonade, grape juice, water, milk, or alcohol?"
"Alcohol!" O'Malley cheers as she enters the kitchen.
"Lemonade sounds lovely." Scout smiles at me and sits down.
I get everyone their refreshments before getting myself some lemonade, deciding getting drunk and sentimental with Ethan once in the week is enough. Thankfully I was able to get him off of the subject. All it did was make me feel bad. We just wouldn't work out, no matter how much I want us to.
Sitting down, I curse and get up and grab more napkins to put in the napkin holder. I turn off the oven and the stove, silently berating myself for almost forgetting before finally sitting down to eat beside Ethan.
Ethan opens his beer with a bottle opener and O'Malley taps the counter with her nails. "Beer me up, butt boy. Wait, is that offensive?"
"Uh...." I scratch my head. "That's up to Ethan."
"Just don't say it to strangers." He chuckles and slides the bottle opener across the counter to her.
"Got it. Thanks."
Scout digs into her food, eating like a wild animal, her mouth already covered in sauce.
I chuckle, not wanting to make her self conscious, so I decide to let her clean up when she's ready. "How is it?"
"Real damn good." O'Malley says, taking a bite.
"My tongue is numb." Scout offers.
Ethan moans. "I want to shove this," he swallows, "up my ass."
"Why not buy a dildo?" I blush, looking away to continue eating.
Ethan blushes as well. "I... I don't know."
"You can't shove spicy wings up your ass, you'll burn your asshole," I scold.
Ethan sticks his tongue out at me. "You're not my dad, maybe I like... burning asshole."
"Okay. I'll buy you a dildo and marinate it in my extreme wing sauce for ya then." I wink.
O'Malley cackles and Ethan shivers. "Please don't."
"You said you like the burn." I frown.
"I wasn't serious. I have no idea if I'd like that or not." He shakes his head, chuckling. "I'm not into pain but if you were like, into it, I'd try it for you."
"I'm not going to hurt you, Ethan." I drink some of my lemonade.
He smiles and pecks my lips. "Thank you."
"Awwwww." O'Malley teases.
"Oh, whatever." I can't help but grin. "Maybe you should kiss Scout."
Scout freezes and O'Malley reaches over and hits me upside the head. "I'll kiss Scout when I damn feel like it."
Scout spits out her food. "When?"
"Are you perhaps what you like to call people a... pussy?" I ask.
O'Malley glares. "You wanna fucking say that again?"
Scout giggles.
I look at Ethan and then O'Malley. "Babe, I didn't know you were hard of hearing."
O'Malley fumes but before she can get up, Scout plants a kiss on her cheek and she defuses immediately, staring at her.
Ethan hides his smirk.
"I can't believe you denied yourself that." I giggle. "I'm only looking out for ya."
She sets her sights on me. "Ethan's into vore."
"WHAT?!" Ethan cries out. "I'm not involved in this! What the fuck!"
"I— You said you always wanted to taste me! Do you want to fucking eat me?!" I cover my mouth in shock.
Ethan's jaw drops. "No! Oh my god, Charlie, no! She's lying! She's a liar!"
"Soft vore or hard vore?"
"None! None of it!" Ethan cups my face. "I swear, Charlie, oh god please don't think I'm weird." (AN: you're not weird if you're into vore. It's pretty common)
"I have an intense fear of actually being eaten. Is that why you like eating me out so much?"
"A fear?" Ethan pales and he glares at O'Malley. "Look what you fuckin' did, cunt!"
O'Malley bursts out laughing and falls off her chair.
Ethan turns back to me. "It's not why, I'm not into that."
I burst out laughing as well. "I know, I know. I do have a fear of that though."
He breathes a sigh of relief and yanks me into a hug. "I won't let anybody eat you."
"Thanks."
He lets me go and smiles before grabbing another wing. "Jesus, you had me so scared." He chuckles. "I was seconds away from getting down on my knees."
I can't help but laugh and I roll my eyes, finishing my food and then washing my hands in the kitchen sink. "Too easy."
O'Malley climbs back on her chair and Ethan pouts while he finishes eating. He brings everyone's plates to me when they're done.
Groaning, I start washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen. "Mind helping, Ethan?"
"Sure," He helps me dry and put the plates away while the girls chat at the bar. "I think I'm gonna get you back for scaring me like that." He smirks.
I pout. "Rude."
He hums and kisses my temple.
I flick water at his face and move to clean the counters. "What do you guys want to do tonight?"
"Fort!" Scout cheers.
Ethan starts putting away the leftovers.
"Is wrestling an option? Ethan's pretty good at it." O'Malley smirks.
"If you want to wrestle him, have at it." I laugh.
"You just want me to pin you down." Ethan gives her a look.
She scoffs. "Please, I've improved since our last endeavor. I want to beat you."
"I actually want to see this now." I giggle. "What about you, Scout?"
"I don't wrestle." She states. "Turns them into sweaty animals."
I shrug. "I don't wrestle much either. When I was younger, I did all the time with my brother." I smile fondly at the memories. "It'd be cool to see Ethan get his ass handed to him without breaking any ribs and actually being safe."
Ethan gasps. "Babe! You don't think I can win! I'm so hurt."
"She seems pretty confident, Ethan."
He scoffs. "She's always confident. Even when—" He stops and washes his hands. "I'm going to win."
"Even when what?" I ask.
At the bar, O'Malley chuckles. "You don't wanna know, princess. I'm gonna go move the furniture out of the way."
Scout stands as well. "I'll help."
I frown, looking down at the ground. "Why does everyone coddle me?"
Ethan pulls me into a hug. "She's not trying to coddle you. It's just that usually, people don't want to hear about their partner's past... sexual experiences."
"I don't care." I sigh. "I just feel like an outsider and things like that widen the gap and make me feel more alone than ever."
"I'm sorry." He takes my hands. "You're no outsider, not anymore. I'll talk to them and we won't hide anything from you anymore."
"I... It's whatever. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay?"
"Okay." He reluctantly lets me go.
I head to the bathroom and pull down the lid of the toilet and just sit down, hugging my knees into my chest. Burying my head into my legs, I just breathe and count to ten, trying to be happy again so I don't ruin everyone's night, especially Ethan's. He doesn't need to be weighed down with negativity. This is supposed to be a fun night; I'm supposed to be making friends, but I can't help but wonder if I'm just too out of place for all of this, if I'm trying to fix what ain't broken. I was just fine without friends for over eighteen years, but now I have Ethan. He's enough. There's no need to be so greedy.
"One... two... three... four... five... si-six... sev...en..." I can feel my eyes water and my body shakes involuntarily as I silently cry, not wanting to alert Ethan or the girls as my throat closes up on me and my chest grows cold like I'm being submerged in freezing water. It feels like I'm drowning. My heart rate is going too fast. My head is pounding and my world is spinning. I can't alert Ethan; I can't have him worry. I'm Charlie; I'm happy.
I'm happy.
Shakily, I get up and look at my reflection and grimace. My makeup is a mess and my eyes burn from all of the mascara that's gotten into them. Silently, I clean myself and redo my makeup, staring at my reflection.
I grip the sink, calming my erratic breathing before I give myself an anxiety-induced asthma attack and just close my eyes, rebuilding my mask and then counting once more.
I am Charlie. I am confident. I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am happy.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... ten." I exhale and smile at my reflection, glad to see my eyes are no longer red and glassy before leaving the bathroom and making my way into the living room.
"Miss me?"
"Always." Ethan pulls me onto his lap on the couch which has been moved across the room.
"We were waiting for you to start." O'Malley says from the floor. "You were in there a while, were you shitting?"
Scout shoots her a glare. "Don't be crude, Carmen."
"No, I was masturbating," I say, laughing. "Thanks for waiting for me though. You didn't have to."
"This is all for your entertainment, my King." Ethan kisses my cheek. "Of course we waited."
"I... Thanks." I force a smile. "So, when are you going to start?"
"Whenever he releases you." O'Malley chuckles and Scout comes to sit next to us.
Ethan pouts. "He's so warm and comfy though."
I blush. "Don't keep the people waiting, Superstar."
He kisses me and gently helps me slide off his lap. He meets O'Malley in the middle of the floor and she stands. "Rules?"
"No ball or tit punching."
She nods. Scout scoots over and curls up against my side. She looks up at me sadly before turning back to the action.
I feel my heart clench, but I stay collected, instead watching them with interest.
"Go." Scout mumbles and O'Malley charges Ethan, wrapping her arms around his middle and pushing him backwards. Instead of falling to the ground, Ethan grabs her waist and pulls her up so she falls on her back. He climbs over her and she knees him in the gut, flipping them over and attempting to pull him into a headlock. He evades her and pulls her arms behind her back. She flails and headbutts him, making him stumble. She grabs his arms and pins them over his head while holding the rest of his body down with hers. He flails and jerks until he manages to bump her sideways and he pulls her into a headlock of his own.
"Yield!"
"Fuck you!" She spits and struggles until she's exhausted. She finally relents and taps the ground three times and Ethan releases her, smiling.
"Beat me, huh?"
She punches him.
I grin.
"All hail the winner!" Ethan cheers and plops down in my lap, wrapping his arms around my neck. "And to think you doubted me."
"I didn't remember knighting you, so it's whatever." I chuckle.
"Would you like to knight me?" He asks excitedly and slides off my lap and onto his knees.
Giggling, I knight him and then kiss his forehead. "There you go."
"Thank you." He smiles and climbs back up. "I look forward to servicing you, my King."
I wrap an arm around Ethan and an arm around Scout, looking to Carmen. "Do you want to join in?"
She thinks for a minute. "I'm not really a cuddler..."
"Oh. Okay." I frown.
"She never used to cuddle with me, even in bed. It was super annoying." Ethan sticks his tongue out at her.
She just shrugs. "Scout's not a very touchy person either. I'm amazed she's letting you do that."
"O-Oh. If you're not comfortable, you don't have to, Scout." I blush.
She shakes her head. "I like Charlie."
"Thank you," I whisper. "I like you too."
She smiles and Ethan kisses my cheek. "You're much better than Tony."
O'Malley stands and walks over. "Hey... do you want to be a part of our crew? Officially?"
My heart rate increases. "I... I don't want to be a replacement. Do you think I fit in? What does this crew stand for? I—"
"You're no replacement." Ethan tells me.
"Our crew is our family." O'Malley tells me. "We are loyal and we'll do anything for each other. We defend each other and we'll take care of each other."
"That sounds nice..." I say softly.
"You don't have to, Charlie." Scout says comfortingly.
"I'm just not used to having friends." I laugh.
"We can take it slow then." Ethan smiles softly.
"I..." I close my eyes, nervous. "I won't have to like... like... uh... I dunno... doanythingillegal?"
O'Malley blinks. "Uh, no." She sits down next to Scout and takes a breath. "I guess Ethan told you about our... extra curricular activities. To be honest, it was mostly Tony who pushed us to do that. And Scout steals because she doesn't have any money. Before... I was pushy and I would've called you a coward for asking something like that but now... everything's different. I don't want to be a dick anymore. So you're good, you don't gotta do anything you're not comfortable with."
"Thank you. I'm sorry if I offended you." I wrap my arms around Ethan. "Ethan doesn't want to do that stuff anymore either. We can figure something out for Scout." I bury my face in Ethan.
He rubs my arm soothingly.
"I'm not offended." O'Malley shrugs. "Nothing offends me to be honest, plus it's true. Can't be mad at you for the truth."
"Okay..." I play with Ethan's shirt. "You said... we take care of each other. When everything is all sorted out with your family, would you be willing to let Scout live with you? Or I could just look into getting her a small apartment. I know it's none of my business—"
Scout squeezes me.
"I'd love to take her in." O'Malley smiles. "Dani would love you."
Scout smiles softly. "Thank you."
"I'll help as much as I can." I smile. "Maybe get you a job."
Scout scrunches up her nose. "Job. Bleh."
"Would you rather go to college? Be a housewife?" I giggle.
"Disgusting."
"You could open one of those pagan shops." O'Malley suggests. "Be a witch or a psychic."
"It'd be cool if you had one of those shops," I agree.
"I don't know how." She mumbles.
"I don't know either. Anyone a business major?" I chuckle. "The only business people I know are Michael and Jamie." I scratch my head awkwardly.
"That would be awkward." Ethan chuckles.
"Who are they?" O'Malley narrows her eyes.
"She doesn't like outsiders." Scout says. "But thank you, Charlie."
"Oh. Okay." I chuckle.
"You're changing all our lives for the better, Charlie." Ethan smiles at me. "You're so fucking amazing. Thank you."
I blush. "I— Uh, thank you. It's really nothing."
O'Malley makes eye contact with me. "Getting me and my sister out of that house is saving our lives. It is a big deal."
My blush grows. "I'm just glad I can help."
"I'll owe you." O'Malley smirks.
"You don't have to do anything to repay me." I grin.
"Well if you ever need me, I'm there." She tells me seriously. Ethan smiles.
"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." I smile.
"Fort?" Scout questions.
"Hell yeah. Ethan, want to help me get the blankets?"
"Totally." Ethan gets up and holds his hand out for me. Scout releases me.
I grab his hand and let him pull me up.
"Want to get them from our beds or are there extra?" He asks.
I open the hallway closet and start piling blankets into Ethan's arms. "I own many blankets."
"That's cute." He smiles and takes them until they're piled so high I can't see his face anymore.
Carefully, putting a hand to the small of his back, I lead him to the living room where the girls are and smile. "We brought blankets."
"How will we prop them up?" O'Malley asks. "Do you have a tent? We could use the sticks."
"No, I don't have a tent. I've never been camping before." I shrug. "My brother and I would use furniture."
"I have made a fort in the woods." Scout offers.
O'Malley pats her shoulder. "This is nothing like that."
"We just need a little imagination." I say and begin moving the furniture and draping blankets over the couches so that it's like a three sided makeshift igloo with an open side.
Ethan helps, having probably done this before with his siblings.
I grin. "We can still watch a movie under here."
"What movie?" O'Malley asks. "Whatcha got? Ten bucks they're nerdy."
"I have all kinds of movies." I puff my cheeks out. "Lots of action and scary movies..." I don't mention my sci-fi movies, rom-coms, or pirate films.
"I love horror movies." O'Malley smiles. "And action flicks."
"If something explodes, she likes it." Ethan translates.
"That's nice." I smile.
"I like sci-fi and fantasy." Scout says.
"I love everything Charlie loves." Ethan smiles cheesily.
My heart rate speeds up and I blush. "I have sci-fi, fantasy, and pretty much anything under the sun as long as it's good."
"You should pick or they'll never decide." Ethan warns me.
"You can pick, Ethan. I don't really care." I sit under the fort alone and hug my knees.
He crawls under followed by the girls. "Anything you're in the mood for?" He asks, resting his chin on my knee.
"Not really."
He looks into my eyes before closing his and pressing his forehead against mine. "You pick one, Scout."
Scout nods and crawls over to look through the movies.
I close my eyes and just sit still.
Scout picks a film and hands it to Ethan to put it in. He kisses me before moving away to start the movie. Once it's ready he grabs my favorite purple blanket and brings to to me. He throws it over me and cuddles up against my side.
I pull Ethan close and pretend to pay attention to the movie that I have memorized at this point and just focus on him blankly.
Ethan stays by my side until the end and smiles when it's finished. "That was good."
"Yeah," I respond, "it was."
"You ready for bed? I can set them up here." He offers.
"Hmm?" I ask, blinking out of my trance.
Ethan repeats his question.
"Aren't we all sleeping under the fort together...?"
"Oh, I thought you might want to cuddle alone." He blushes.
I blush. "You... can still hold me... out here... unless that's awkward."
Ethan smiles.
"That's cool with us." O'Malley shrugs. "Just don't try any secret fucking because I will catch you."
"We'll be good," I promise.
"I'll get pillows." Ethan stands and crawls out.
"Bring me Vanir." Scout calls.
O'Malley looks at me. "I have a personal question. Ethan has expressed interests in pegging before. He says he's the top, but have you fucked him yet?"
"Yeah. I did."
She smirks. "Bet he enjoyed that."
"I'd hope so." I blush.
Ethan returns and throws a pillow at each of us. Scout crawls out and takes Vanir from Shane's terrarium and sets herself up with the snake around her arm.
Ethan puts his pillow next to mine and lays down. "What are we talkin' about?"
"O'Malley asked if I fucked you and I said yes."
"Oh," he flushes. "Yeah, you did."
"Good for you. Glad you finally got something in your ass." O'Malley laughs.
Ethan rolls his eyes. "I can't believe you remember that, we had the conversation once and I was plastered."
"Glad I could help."
"Mhm." He turns and kisses me. "Lay down with me."
I follow his instructions and purr.
He pulls me into him and wraps his arms around me, humming contently.
I become one with the brunet and let his presence envelop me.
I love you.
"Want to join, Scout?" I ask.
"I would, but it would upset Vanir." She sends me an apologetic look.
"Oh yeah. She doesn't like Ethan." I kiss him and whisper, "I'll just have to make up for that and give you more affection."
"Yes, please." He kisses me back.
"You two are sickeningly sweet." O'Malley chuckles. "I'm shocked you're not together."
I hide my face in him and frown.
Ethan tightens his hold on me. "Charlie's not interested in romance." He tells O'Malley. "Let's leave it at that."
"Thank you," I say feebly.
"You're welcome." He whispers, rubbing my back.
I'm so sorry.
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Author's Note:
Charlie thought the L word! You guys also got to learn more about the side of Charlie that he likes to keep hidden. Since Charlie has a fear of relationships and doesn't at all think that he's built for them, do you think ChEthan will ever be official? Even though they love each other?
Thoughts?
-A. A. White