Frank's positive mood quickly faded once he and Jamia parted ways at the end of the school day. As hard as he tried to hold onto the pleasant conclusion he had reached during lunch time, it slipped through his fingers like water escaping from a broken vase. Frank muddled his way through work, he'd picked up a shift today since he was running dangerously low on funds, throwing himself into the most menial tasks in an effort to escape the ravages of his mind, but no matter how furiously he scrubbed dishes, Frank couldn't stop mulling over everything that had happened lately.
So instead of going home like he knew he should have, Frank found his feet leading him to Ryan and Brendon's bar. It had been far too long since he had visited them, so it was about time he stopped by, or at least, that was the excuse he used to allay the guilt he felt at leaving his mother by herself for an entire day. She was most likely fine, she hadn't called him yet, which was typically a good sign, unless she had forgotten who he was that is, and in that case...well - Frank decided to skip over the possible scenarios that might entail. Either way, she was most likely asleep now, so she would be fine if he didn't come home for a few more hours.
Frank groaned under his breath as he tried not to worry, but really - that's what he had been doing for most of the afternoon. He might be feeling better about the situation with his father, mainly because that was something he actually had control over, but everything else was harder to keep a handle on. His mother was a constant burden, as terrible as Frank felt labeling her as such, and now without Gerard by his side, all of the things that had always plagued Frank were returning full force. Gerard had become a barrier of sorts for him, a shield from the horrible things the world continued to throw at Frank, and his disappearance hurt more than it should, especially since Frank understood his boyfriend's reasoning for keeping his distance, at least mostly.
Gerard had other priorities right now, Mikey had to come first, Frank knew that, but he wished that he at least placed second in his thoughts and not last. As awful as Mikey's condition was, Frank never imagined that Gerard would cut him out entirely because of what had happened. Frank felt like a child that was being shunned from the adult table; Gerard was happy to have him around when it was convenient, but when things got serious, he was instantly pushed away.
And honestly, Frank knew he wasn't being fair to his boyfriend. He couldn't even begin to imagine what Gerard was feeling, and his decision to keep Frank away wasn't completely illogical, it just stung. There was so much going on at the moment, and Frank wanted his anchor - his boyfriend by his side, no matter how selfish that made him sound.
A part of Frank wanted to curl up in a ball and hide, he wished he could go back in time to when he was that innocent fifteen year old kid who had no idea how shitty life could get in a few short years. What if he had tried harder to find his dad back then? Maybe things would have gone entirely different for him, he might still have a relationship with his father, perhaps his mother would even be getting the mental help she needed which Frank had no idea how to achieve with her constantly in denial over everything? Yet on the other hand, Frank might not have the people in his life who he loved like Brendon and Ryan, but especially Gerard. His life was fucked up, that was for sure, but it had good in it too, Frank had to keep reminding himself of that.
So Frank walked inside the bar with a smile on his face, the familiar chiming of the bell comforting him more than it should have. It was slightly busier than usual, so Frank didn't announce himself right away. He could see Brendon from where he stood; he was working behind the bar, inciting Frank to take a seat on one of the unoccupied stools, fiddling with the nearby container of toothpicks while he waited for Brendon to notice him.
As he glanced around at the numerous patrons, Frank caught the gaze of a man that he vaguely recognized as someone he used to let take him home not all that long ago. The man gifted him with a grin that harbored on the side of a leer, but when Frank shook his head to show that he wasn't interested, he instantly returned his attention back to his drink.
Frank sighed softly as the brief encounter came to an end. It was so odd seeing people from that part of his life now that he no longer needed that sort of validation. In a way, it was exactly what he needed to remind himself of how good things were. Not even a year ago, he'd have let that man take him home and do whatever he liked to him in a pitiful attempt at feeling loved, but now he had the real thing. His relationship with Gerard was nowhere near perfect, but it was so much better than the dismal place Frank had been in before he had met him.
"Frank!" Brendon shouted, breaking him out of his thoughts before they could go off on another tangent. "I thought you forgot about us."
"Never, just been busy," Frank grinned, allowing Brendon to pull him into an awkward one-armed hugged that almost toppled Frank to the other side of the bar. "How are you?" Frank asked once Brendon released him.
"Amazing actually, but first, do you want a drink?" Brendon offered.
"Yeah just give me a jack and coke, then tell me what I've missed out on when you get a minute."
"Will do," Brendon promised, his head whipping to the left as another patron called his name loudly. "I'll be right back."
Brendon quickly made and delivered Frank's drink before he returned to serving the other people at the bar, but it wasn't long before everyone seemed satisfied for the moment. Brendon wiped his hands on the towel tucked into his waistband before making his way back over to where Frank was seated, leaning his elbows against the tarnished wood so he was on eye level with Frank.
"So, you seem happier than usual," Frank mentioned.
"Well aren't you the astute little observer," Brendon grinned widely, "and you're right, I am. Ryan proposed to me last week!"
"Really? Brendon that's amazing!" Frank replied enthusiastically. "Where is he anyway?"
"He's out of town tonight visiting his mom," Brendon pouted, "but since he's not here I can gush about him as much as I want without him trying to shut me up."
Frank laughed freely at Brendon's statement; his joy was contagious, Frank could feel it seeping into his skin and erasing his own worries with every passing second, so he encouraged Brendon to keep talking about how the proposal had gone, wanting to bask in this feeling for as long as possible.
Brendon rambled on about exactly how Ryan had proposed to him, explaining in detail the day they had spent in New York together and how Ryan had popped the question in a beautiful, secluded area in Central Park. Brendon has been shocked when he'd gotten on one knee, mostly because Brendon had actually been planning to ask Ryan to marry him soon as well, but he wasn't sure how to go about it. Ryan had beat him to the punch though, and Brendon couldn't be happier. Frank oohed and ahhed appropriately, especially when Brendon showed off his ring which was a simple silver band with one red stone in it which seemed to suit him very well.
"I am invited to the wedding right?" Frank asked when Brendon finished his long explanation about the perfect proposal.
"Hell yes you are, you and Gerard both. Speaking of, where is the boyfriend tonight?"
"Oh...it's sort of a long story, I'd rather not go into it right now honestly," Frank grimaced. He felt like shit for ruining Brendon's cheerful mood, but he honestly couldn't think of Gerard right now without his heart twisting painfully in his chest.
"I'm sorry," Brendon apologized instantly. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but are you doing okay?"
"Sort of...I will be I think. Just a lot of shit is happening all at once and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it," Frank shrugged. He knew he could talk to Brendon about what was going on, they had discussed worse problems after all, but Frank didn't really think speaking about his problems would help anything, it would only remind him of everything he was attempting to temporarily forget.
"Well I am always here to help you if you need anything," Brendon reminded him.
"Thank you, that means the world to me, and honestly, for tonight, I just want to be distracted and hear about your plans for the wedding."
"Now that I can do," Brendon grinned widely. "Let me get you another drink first though."
As Brendon went back behind the bar, Frank took the chance to pull out his phone, sending Gerard a quick text. All it said was "I love you", which Gerard knew, of course he did, but Frank felt the desperate need to remind him of that fact.
~~~
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, Brendon was announcing that it was last call at the bar, and Frank wasn't anywhere near ready to head home. Even though his mother had to be asleep by now, Frank didn't want to have to wake up in that place that was filled with so many negative memories, not now when he was feeling marginally happy after spending the evening catching up with Brendon. So he texted Pete, asking him if he could stay the night since he still hadn't heard from Gerard and he was certain he was spending almost all of his time in the hospital with Mikey.
By the time Frank made it to Pete's place, he hadn't responded to his text. Frank sighed wearily at the thought of walking back to his own house after already making the journey here, but it didn't seem that he was left with much of a choice. Just when he was about to turn back the way he had come, a familiar car pulled into Pete's driveway.
"Frank honey, is that you?" Pete's mother called out as she turned her engine off.
"Hi Mrs. Wentz," Frank waved sheepishly. "Sorry for coming over at this hour, I was just hoping to crash here."
"Don't apologize sweetie, you know you're welcome here anytime. Lucky for you I got off work late. I think Pete is out too, but he should be back soon, and you're can always stay here whether he's home or not."
"Thank you so much, I really appreciate that," Frank smiled sincerely as Mrs. Wentz exited the car and motioned for Frank to follow her inside. Frank gave her a quick hug in thanks once they entered the living room, which she instantly returned.
"You're okay right Frank?" she asked when he pulled away.
"Yeah, just didn't want to go home tonight," Frank answered as honestly as he could. He loved Mrs. Wentz to death, she was basically a mother to him, but he couldn't let her know about everything that was troubling him, she wouldn't understand, and he would hate to make her think less of him if she actually knew half of his problems that he constantly ran to her house to escape.
"Okay hon, get some rest now. I'm down the hall if you need me," she smiled softly, accepting Frank's answer instantly just like she always did.
"I will, thank you again."
Frank made his way up to Pete's room as quietly as he could so he wouldn't wake up Mr. Wentz, shedding his shoes and jacket once he was in the small space and quickly making himself at home. He checked his phone again when he was settled, seeing that Pete still hadn't responded to his message, so he texted him again letting him know he was in his room so he wouldn't be scared shitless when he did come home.
Frank briefly wondered where Pete could be that had him out so late, but really, it wasn't all that surprising that he didn't know. He'd been doing the best he could to make time for Pete lately, but they didn't talk as much as they used to. Either way, his mother hadn't seemed worried at all, so he was most likely at another friend's place for the evening.
Frank did feel a modicum of guilt for letting their friendship falter, but he wasn't going to let it break. Things had come between them - mostly Gerard, but at the end of the day, no matter how much or how little they spoke, Pete would always be Frank's best friend, and that was all that mattered.
Frank began shuffling around throughout Pete's things when his phone flashed a low battery signal at him. He knew he had left a charger here at one point, he just had no idea where Pete had put it. Deciding that his desk was the best place to search since it seemed to be piled to the brim with random stuff, Frank sat himself at the rolling chair in front of it and started sifting through a mess of papers and other random items.
After finding two chargers which weren't the one he was looking for, Frank was ready to give up his search. He did one last messy swipe of the desk's surface since the drawers had held nothing that he was looking for, but all he accomplished was making more of a mess, including knocking a small notebook onto the floor at his feet.
Frank's eyes latched onto the messy words coating the page before he realized what he was doing, so by the time he crouched down to retrieve the book from where it had fallen, his curiosity was well and truly piqued. It appeared to a poem - or maybe a song, at least that was what filled the space that Frank was currently reading.
I used to obsess over living,
Now I only obsess over you
Tell me you'd like boys like me better
In the dark lying on top of you
I know this hurts, it was meant to
Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one
And it's mind over you don't, don't, don't, don't matter
From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about how my worst fears are letting out
He said why put a new address
On the same old loneliness
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
Now talking's just a waste of breath and living's just a waste of death
Frank was impressed with the lyrics, if that is what they were. He and Pete had attempted to write songs together back when they were convinced that they could be in a band, and his skills had definitely improved since then, even if the tone of the song was much darker than anything Frank had ever heard Pete write.
Frank flipped through the book curiously, wanting to see if there was any more hidden lyrics, but he quickly realized that what he was holding wasn't a songbook, but more of a diary interspersed with poems and lyrics at random. Frank was about to put the notebook back where he had found it like he should have done in the first place when he caught sight of something that had him freezing in place.
It was his name - unless Pete knew another Frank, which was highly unlikely. Frank's finger paused over the place where he was commented on, his palm obscuring the rest of the sentence momentarily. Frank knew he should put this back and pretend he had never seen it, doing otherwise was a huge invasion of privacy, but at the same time - Pete never kept anything from him, so really, he was just curious what he had felt important enough to pen down in his diary. So even though his conscience was screaming at him not to, Frank couldn't stop himself from reseating himself on the office chair and letting his eyes scan over the page eagerly.
"Feeling like shit again today...not that that's anything new. I just can't stop thinking about him...Frank. I love him so much it aches - everything inside of me does. He's so happy with that new boyfriend of his, the one thing I'll never be. I can give Frank all the love in the world, but he doesn't even look my way. I'm not worthy of him, I wonder why he's even still my friend.
I shouldn't write this down, but I cut myself again today. It helps...I don't get how, but it does. I just want to stop hurting inside, and it gives me that, even if it's only for a little bit. I get now why people commit suicide. I think about it sometimes too. To have it all end would be so peaceful.
Frank gasped aloud as his brain processed the words Pete had written down. He had hurt himself...maybe was still hurting himself. Frank wracked his mind frantically, trying to think of he had noticed any signs of Pete self-harming, but he was coming up blank. It had still been chilly lately for the most part, so wearing long sleeves was normal, and Frank couldn't think of anything else that would alert him to this secret.
Perhaps he'd stopped? God - Frank hoped he had. He couldn't even think of Pete doing that without tears filling his eyes, and then of course, his thoughts went to Gerard who struggled with the same habit. Frank didn't understand how such wonderful people thought they deserved to be in pain - it just wasn't fair.
Hopefully, Pete had realized that though and quit, he had to have. Frank began frantically leafing through the pages, searching for a date or some event he would recognize that would help him pinpoint when this had happened.
"Frank - what the fuck!" Pete's actual voice interrupted the written words that were swimming across Frank's brain. Frank had been so occupied by attempting to place Pete's penned confessions on a timeline that he hadn't heard his best friend entering the room until it was too late. "Why the hell are you reading that?!"
"Pete - I'm sorry," Frank blurted out instantly, dropping the diary as if it had burned him, although it was pointless to try and hide what he'd done now. "I was just looking for a charger when it fell, and I saw my name, so I -"
"I can't fucking believe you'd do this," Pete cried, tears filling his eyes as he stalked over to Frank and swiped the book from the ground angrily. "My best fucking friend comes over and invades my privacy when I turn my back for one minute. How long have you been doing this shit? Snooping around on me?"
"Never Pete, I swear, it was an accident," Frank blurted out, his own throat going tight as he realized how badly he had fucked up. "I'm so sorry."
"You know what Frank, sorry isn't good enough," Pete spit out icily, the venom in his tone causing Frank to flinch away from his palpable anger.
"Wait - Pete, where are you going?" Frank asked when Pete stormed out of his room angrily.
"Like you care," Pete scoffed, "just leave me the fuck alone."
"I do..." Frank whimpered, but it was too late, Pete was already gone, only the sound of the door slamming loudly behind him remained to prove that he had even been there at all, that and the guilt filling Frank's internal organs, the poisonous sensation threatening to destroy him as it seeped into his bloodstream.
Frank couldn't just stand here though, he refused to let Pete leave on these terms. Frank had to apologize, to get him to listen to reason before something happened to him, or worse, he did something to himself. So without wasting any more time, Frank hurriedly slipped into his converse and followed Pete out the door, tears streaming down his face as he searched the darkened streets for any sign of his best friend.
Well that happened.
I actually debated keeping this plot point in for a while. It was in the original planning but I thought it was almost too much with everything else going on but then also I was like fuck it bring on the drama.
I hope you all enjoyed though. I'm doing a bit better at updating in a more timely manner but I am working on Only You again and I also brought back Long Live the Car Crash Hearts which is the prequel to When Both Our Cars Collide if anyone remembers that fic. I'm doing my best to juggle all three of them for now but the plan is that I'll finish Only You soon so I'll be back to only having two ongoing fics. We will see how well to keep to that but for now I am managing it pretty well.
Anyway I'm rambling.
Votes and comments are always lovely if you feel like leaving one.
I'm sending you all lots of love xxxx
Chapter dedicated to lemongeesus
Just a few more months and we'll be fine
- starr