Started Typing On - 29/03/2019 (11.44 AM)
Chapter 92- 'Don't Want You'
~
Jaanvi's Pov:
We sat there in silence. My sobs had died down but the tears were still flowing. Kiaan's, I don't know. I don't have the courage to look him in the eye. He sat there, his tensed back touching the wall with me sitting in front of him. I raised my wet lashes a little to see the redness of his face despairing slowly. His face was a mixture of emotionless but at the same time it held emotions. His lips were in a straight line, giving him a resting annoyed face. His eyes looked so tried as if he hasn't slept for decades. The main thing was, his earthy eyes-the most attractive part of his face-were looking down at his hands. And his hair was all messed up like wind blew by a couple of seconds ago.
"You want to abort the baby because you're scared of dying." I don't know if it was supposed to be a concerned question or a hatful statement. I forced my eyes to look at his face, his eyes still daggering his hands. "You think what happened to your mum would happen to you." By now I was sure it was a statement with full confidence rather than a dull question.
I don't know if it is that. "I don't know." I shrugged a little, letting my shoulders fall. I sighed wiping my tears from the back of my hand, later drying them on my leggings. "It's more about being afraid to see it turn into a criminal o--"
"Stop addressing it as 'it' my baby isn't some object or creature! Does using the word 'baby' hurt you that much?" He sneered, his eyes shooting up at me. I had the urge to look away, his eyes were looked so scary. "You have no right to give my baby the title of 'criminal!' You may be the mother but you aren't behaving like one. You have no right." My heart felt numb for a second.
No. I didn't hate calling my baby mine. "No. I-I just don't want to keep reminding myself because it'll be harder to a-a-abort." I stuttered, looking at my ring.
"Killing. Killing is the word." He corrected me with venom in his voice, sharply slicing me with his gaze. "I'll make sure, and I'm super serious, if you go ahead with this, I'd remind you every damn day of what you did." By now I could understand why he was angry and his actions and tone was justified but his last sentence blew me off.
"You want me to suffer? Suffer until the day I die, Kiaan?" I spat, holding his eyes into mine.
"Yes." He replied curtly. "Because you're doing that right now! Why would you? Why? Why me out of everyone?" His back wasn't touching the wall now. Kiaan moved his body forward, bring his murderous face closer to mine. "Why are you such a coward Jaanvi?"
I looked away, offended. He was right though. I know he was but that doesn't change how I feel about anything. I've still got this big hole in my head with negative thoughts. Too many of them for me to ignore and move on forward with.
"Because you aren't. An idiot doesn't marry another idiot."
"I'm tired." His voice sounded defeating. "I accept." I tilted my face towards him, looking at is inches away face dropping in sadness and hopeless. "It's not you wanting to abort that's pissing me off. I-it is actually but the situation is. You're not thinking straight. You're not the old Jaanvi. I'm sure if you were you'd be thrilled, probably jumping around the house." His lips transformed from a thin line to a curvy smile. A faint smooth smile.
"Talking to that flower or dancing around and writing it all down in your notebook like you always do. Maybe if you were fine we would be eating lots of cake right now, you finishing it all while I watch and smile. And then I could boss you around. Telling you to stop stressing about little things, scolding you for wearing shorts in winter and make you eat all the things you hate. I always imagined you starting to eat chicken even though you hate eating animals but pregnancy cravings can be weird. And then I'd record you eating and show it to you after our baby's birth, just to humiliate you for breaking your own rule."
My eyes were burning seeing his sad, weak smile while the tears ran down his eyes. My chest felt heavy as if they were filled with something sharp. Sharp enough to slice through my organs all around my body. All I knew was he's broken. Injured brutally by me.
"You'll regret it." He ripped his eyes away, looking at the couch over my shoulders. Sniffing and wiping his wet tears he just shook his head. "What bothers me is you think it's right at this moment. Few years later when you'll remember it all, when this rushes back to your skull and when our friends or family has their own children you'd break." He whispered. His eyes watery. "And by then, I wouldn't be there. Because I'd be long gone."
"What do-d-do y-you mean?" I could feel the panic rushing through my veins. I reached out to his hand, holding them firmly to draw his attention towards me. He didn't even look at me, only at the couch. Will he leave me?
"I'd be a different Kiaan, Jaanvi. I won't be the mature one. I won't live my life thinking about others. Why would I? I have no one to think about or nobody to earn all these money for."
"I-i-I'll be here."
"I don't want you." He roared. "I won't forget it. I won't forget or forgive you if you do anything to hurt me. I've been through enough because of you, not anymore. I've got feelings, I've got my wishes. It doesn't end on only you."
"You'll leave me." I whispered, pulling my hands away from him. I moved back, feeling the world turn upside down in front of my eyes. "You'll leave me!" I shouted, a drop of tear fell from my brown eyes.
"No." He replied, watching me with an icy expression. "I won't. I don't believe in divorces. But I won't also care about you. You can do whatever you want, I wouldn't question you. The only time you'd see me is at night." He rose up from his place, walking into the hallway and into the room.
I felt myself falling when I tried to stand up, putting my hands on the carpet I rose up running slowly into the bedroom to talk to him. I walked inside the room to see Kiaan throwing around his files, yelling, "Where did I keep it?!" He didn't want to work, he just wanted to distract himself from me.
"As time passes we'd get over it." I rose my voice, holding the door knob tightly in my hand from keeping myself to dig my fingers into my soft palms.
"I won't." Kiaan responded, throwing the files across my way, his back facing me. I flinched away, moving to the other side of the room.
"I'm more scared of raising someone who may turn into a devil." I whispered, loud enough for him to hear me. His hands which were ready to through a notebook away stopped, his body stiffed clearly but remained showing me his back. "Juhi's parents didn't know she'll be like this but look." I cried. "I don't want to be accused of giving someone life who'll ruin someone else's."
"What if our child has someone written for them? You're going to change it by killing the baby. You have no right to do that." I could tell from his tone that his anger was nothing but a shield for his pain. Pain he didn't wish to show me or anyone. "Look at you," he turned, his eyes interlocking with my teary ones. Those red ones spoke with so much confidence like he knew he was right. "-You were raised by a single parent. A father only. You're well behaved, educated, sorted out. You've had a rough childhood because of someone else, not because of your father, right?" I nodded.
"Our baby would have us. Us both. We'd raise her or him with so much love. Children learn from their parents and we are sorted out, right?" I nodded. "We'd be carefully, you can be as strict as you want towards the baby, and I won't interfere. We'd make sure she or he understands the meaning to life and the family values, I'll make sure of it myself. We'll make our child understand that jealously has no place in our house. You'll teach them to be strong, like you were all those years, Jaanvi." His tone was deep, deep as the sun at midnight.
Kiaan walked towards me, stopping just an inch away. I looked up in his eyes, wishing it was all as easy as it sounds but it wasn't. "I'll spend as much time as possible with you and the baby, I promise. You'll be fine. Our child would be fine. You won't go through what your mother did, it's very rare cases and if it does happen I'd always choose you. Always." He wiped away my tears with his rough and hard thumbs, I closed my eyes.
"Remember you told me you'd want me to save you over the baby if it was a girl because it's hard for a girl to grow up with a father only?" I nodded, opening my eyes to see his expression. "I'd choose you over the baby, whether it's a boy or a girl. Nobody comes above you, nobody. I just want you to try. To give our baby a try. This would change our life for good. I promise, I can feel it."
This wasn't the only reason why I didn't want the baby. Yes, this was in my head but I had days when I didn't care whether I lived or died long as I see my papa and Kiaan for the last time before I close my eyes. My mother couldn't see my father the last time before her heartbeat dropped, I don't want that.
But the little doubt I had. The little uneasy feeling of having a girl who'd live without a mother worried me, and Kiaan cleared the uneasiness away from me.
"I'll always be here. Always. But for that you need to trust me fully. You have to understand what I'm trying to say over here. You really need to see the sunlight through those dark rooms to see where I'm coming from." His fingers moved my hair away, wiping the remained tears of my face. "I'd like you to meet a therapist. Talk to them, ask any questions you have, they'd help you make you right decision." His tone pretty much summed up the serious depth of his conversation.
I gulped down my saliva, licking my dry lips as I shake my head. "I'm not mental." I hold his hands, removing them from my face. I was turning to walk away from him but Kiaan held my elbow, bring me back.
He took a deep breath, cooling down his visible anger. "I know you're not mental. Just go there. Therapist help their patients to make decisions and clarify their feelings in order to solve the problems. It'll help you, I'm sure. Go. Please, for me." He slides me a look, dark eyebrows raised with hopeful eyes.
I don't know why but everything he said made sense to me. It really did. "Ok." I agreed, biting my inner cheek in irritation. I've started to hate communication and I'd have to do exactly that with a doctor. Couldn't get worse.
"Thank you." He sounded pleased. When he spoke, it was like low roll of thunder right in front of me. I smiled copying his expressions, trying to look happy though I didn't quite felt that was. He sighed in satisfaction seeing my smile after so long, snaking his arms around me he pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry for what you've been through. But I need and expect you to be patient and prove your love for me by trying." After a month, a long month I hugged him back.
My fingers curled in his back, holding him firmly as I let out a sigh burying my face on his shoulder. It was a strong hug but gently enough for me to breathe out lightly. I closed my eyes giving them some time to rest. The last thing I heard before losing my sense was,
"I'd make an appointment." To which I just hummed in response.
Sometimes you don't agree to a certain thing-plan or decision but we end up agreeing to it for someone else. I felt exactly like that.
Married My Enemy