Kabanata LIV: I'm back!
I would lie if I say I'm okay, but nonetheless I lie for the sake of having my alone time. They wouldn't budge if I didn't lie but I know deep in their hearts they know what I feel. Hindi naman mahirap malaman kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.
I've been putting up a strong front. I don't want them to worry about me. Even deep inside I've felt the worst kind of pain. The pain of seeing your beloved almost lifeless and you couldn't do anything.
Yes, he's alive but the fear of losing him is just lurking around the corner. Any moment, he can go and I almost catch my breath by the mere thought. Natatakot ako. Sobrang takot na tako na ako.
Nothing can compare to the kind of emotional stir I'm feeling right now. I'm literally walking around thin egg shells and my heart fret that doomsday will come.
Hindi naging madali ang mga susunod na mga araw. Para kong nauupos na kandila sa paghihintay. Pilit kong pinatatag ang sarili ko para sa mga taong mahal ko. Pero minsan naiisip ko na ring sumuko.
Sumuko kasi hindi ko na kaya.
Sumuko kasi nawawalan na kong pag-asa.
Sumuko kasi yung taong pinagkukuhanan ko ng lakas ay halos mawala na rin sa buhay ko.
But maybe I was destined to be a fighter all my life. I was born to work my way through life. Na hindi magiging madali ang lahat para sakin. I have to work hard for everything.
Halos kapusin ako ng hininga. Para na kong ninanakawan ng sariling buhay sa imaheng nakikita ko ngayon. Marahas kong pinunasan ang mukha ko. Halos hindi ko na makita ng mga mata ko ang nasa likod ng salamin.
I was sobbing so hard, so painful and out of breath. It was his 5th day and my 3rd time to see him in this state but I'm not yet accustom with the throbbing pain that I feel every time.
"K-Ken, Please wake up. I-I need you." I whispered through the window glass. I can't even touch him and I feel so pathetic for that. I unconsciously held on to my tummy.
He suffered multiple gunshot wounds. Sa sobrang dami ay tinamaan nito ang bituka niya. It was a critical case. Several months ago, naoperahan si Ken for his appendix as a result of the stabbing incident and now his intestines are cut-off.
For me, I was discharged 3 days after I was admitted. Binilinan na lang ako ng mga doctor na mag-ingat at ipagpatuloy ang mga regular check-up schedules ko to make sure that my little angel is doing well.
I thanked God that after all the bad news, at least hindi na sumasabay ang pagbubuntis ko dahil kung pati yun ay sasabay hindi ko na alam kung paano pa ko mabubuhay.
Ilan oras din ako nanatili sa ganung posisyon hanggang sa dumating si Tita at Tito, Ken's parents, na may dalang mga pagkain.
Tito Leo gave me a nod before looking through the window glass. Kitang-kita ang pag-aaalala sa mukha niya habang nakatingin kay Ken. Hindi man maganda ang relasyon nilang mag-ama alam kong mahal nila ang isa't-isa and it pained me to see them suffer because of the mishap that I caused.
Naupo sila sa katabi kong upuan. "Anak, give it a rest. Masama sa lagay mo ang mapagod." I felt his Mom caressed my back. I clutched my rosary on hand before looking up to her.
"Ayos lang po ako, Tita. I have to be here when he wakes up. Nag-iingat naman po ako." I replied with a timid smile.
Nag-iingat naman ako. I know a hospital isn't a best place for a pregnant woman like me but I want to be here. I want to see Ken. Ayaw kong umuwi. Ayaw kong mawala siya sa paningin ko. I've consulted the doctor's opinion about my choice, he doesn't like the idea but he understands my decision.
Nirecommend na lang niya na it would be best if we occupied the room beside the ICU room. So every night I would stay there—actually Tita and I do. May dalawang kama dun kung saan kami nagpapahinga. Tulad ko, ayaw rin niyang hayaang mag-isa ang bunso niya. Ken's a momma's boy and I know he fancies his mom too well.
Maya-maya ay nagpaalam na rin si Tito. May aasikasuhin pa raw ito sa opisina pero babalik din agad pag natapos na ang meeting niya. Niyakap ako ni Tito bago siya umalis. "I'm glad you're here. He really needs you." Bulong niya.
"I need him too." Sagot ko.
He hugged me some more and I felt like hugging him too. Magkasing-init ang katawan ni Ken at ng Daddy niya. Parang yakap ko na rin si Ken sa bisig ng Daddy niya. Gahd I really miss him.
"He's sleeping too much. Kailan kaya gigising ang bunso ko?" She asked in a shaky voice—shaky but her eyes remains dry.
His mom never cried. Hindi siya umiyak—or hindi ko siya nakitang umiyak. Nanatili siyang matatag and I admire her for that.
"I hope soon, Tita. He needs to wake up soon or else I'll give him a cold shoulder." I tried to joke around but I failed to laugh. Masyado lang mabigat ang lahat.
Tita smiled. "I miss my boy." aniya. I could feel her longing. Nag-abang lang ako ng sasabihin niya. Wala na akong masabi dahil hindi ko alam ang dapat kong sabihin. Guilt is still eating me up.
"Mahal na mahal ka ng anak ko, Mandy." She sighed. "He almost loses his own sanity when you left and as his mother I hated you for that." She said as a matter of fact.
Napayuko ako. Palihim akong napakagat labi dahil sa sinabi niya. Naalala ko ang eksena kung saan nakita kong umiiyak sa ulanan si Ken. I made a fool out of him.
"I hated myself, Tita. I hated myself for inflicting him that kind of pain. I really regret that day." Punong-puno ng pagsisisi ang boses ko.Ito ang unang beses na inopen up sakin ni Tita ang pakiramdam niya sa ginawa ko noon.
I can't blame her for feeling that way. Ina siya at ayaw ng isang ina na nakikitang nasasaktan ang anak niya. I hurt his son and it's normal for her to hate me.
"But as much as I want to hate you dear..." I looked up. Nakatitig siya sakin habang hawak ang mga kamay ko. "...my son loves you so much." She smiled that made my eyes misty up like a little kid. I rested my head on her shoulder. Naramdaman ko ang pagyapos niya sa ulo ko.
"Ssshh don't cry dear." I let out a soft sob.
"I-I'm sorry." Yun lang ang kaya kong sabihin ng mga oras na yun. I can't reason out things 'coz I know no matter what happen I'm still at fault for making hasty decisions about my life—our relationship.
"Itong batang 'to. I'm not here to reprimand you about that but I want you to know na lahat ng mahal ng anak ko, maha ko rin at nasasaktan akong makitang nagkakasakitan kayong dalawa."
Napakagat ako ng labit at nagpigil sa pag-iyak.
"Pero pakiusap ko sana pag gising niya ay hwag mo ng siyang iiwan. I'm dying when my children are hurt. Doble ang sakit na nararamdaman ko." Pakiusap nito.
I looked up and saw Tita's pleading stares. Tinitigan ako ni Tita. Napabuntong hininga ako bago niyakag ang mga kamay niya. Hindi naman kaila na maluwag akong tinanggap ng pamilya nila kaya nahihiya ako sa nangyari kay Ken dahil sakin.
"Pangako po. H-Hinding-hindi ko na siya iiwan." She hugged me so tight and warm. Hinding hindi ko kayang makitang umiyak ulit si Ken. Ayaw ko ng maramdaman niya ang sakit na binigay ko sakanya noon.
Later that day, dumating ang doctor ni Ken. Pwede na raw namin siyang malapitan sa loob ng ICU pero paisa-isa lang dahil kritikal pa rin ang lagay niya. Wala pa ring improvement ang kaniyang kondisyon. He's still in danger for God knows 'til when.
But the good thing is we're allowed to visit him inside the ICU. I dread to touch him.
Maingat kong isinara ang pintuan. Tahimik ang buong silid. Tanging ang tunog lang ng pintig ng puso ni Ken ang naririnig ko. It was like music to my ears. Every beat it makes gives strength to my whole being. It's a sign that he's fighting for his dear life. It's his way of saying that I shouldn't give up on him.
If he's fighting then I should do it with him.
Nang makalapit ako sakanya ay pinilit kong hindi mapalahaw sa iyak. May bakas pa rin ng mga sugat at pasa ang kaniyang mukha. I clasped unto his hands and kissed it. I felt the familiar warmth.
"Baby..." I whispered to his ears. "You've been sleeping for too long." He remained motionless. I sighed and rested on seating beside his bed. Pinagmasdan ko lang ang pagtaas baba ng dibdiib niya. Gustong-gusto ko ang tanawin na 'yun. He's alive and breathing.
"Sabi ni Dad, he wanted to meet you face to face. Gusto ka yatang takutin para iwanan ako." Kwento ko sakanya. My dad told me that Ken has to wake up 'coz he wants to meet the guy that swoon me over my feet.
"Hmm even my evil mom wanted to meet you. See? Everyone from my family wanted to meet the guy I love but here you are sulking on this smelly bed. Wake up, baby. I miss you so much."
Inilagay ko ang mukha ko sa mga kamay niya. I fought not to cry but pleading for him to wake up break that thick wall, everything collapses and my emotion gets the best of me. I just want to be with him and hug him restlessly.
"Si Jasper nakakulong na." malungkot na kwento ko. His dad visited me on my 2nd day in the hospital. He begged for my forgiveness for everything that Jasper have done. Sinabi kong napatawad ko na si Jasper but I can't retract the case. It's something I don't want to do but I have to. Just like what I said before, I want a piece of justice for everyone that got involved
"He said sorry for everything, baby." My tears began to fall—again.Sabi nang doctor kaya ako nagiging emosyonal ay dahil sa pagbubuntis ko. Pero masyado ng napapadalas ang pag-iyak ko kaya hangga't maari ay sinusubukan kong hwag umiyak.
I stood up and placed his hand on my bulging tummy. "We're all waiting Ken but this little one will need you the most. Our angel needs you so bad." I know it's odd to feel this but I felt my core twitched with his touch. I felt our angel moves.
Is it possible? Is it normal? I don't know but I'm sure it has something to do with the connection that they have. They both felt their linkage with each other.
I moved his hand up and down my tummy. "Today is my 4th month, Ken. I still have a long way to go but I want you to be with me all the way, baby. Hindi ko 'to kakayanin mag-isa." I fret the day that I'll give birth to my child without Ken. Paano kung may mangyari sakin habang nanganganak? Sino na lang ang mag-aalaga sakanya? Ken has to be there for me—for us.
I inserted a piece of paper on his hand. "See? Ayaw mo pa kasing gumising diyan, look at our child." Ipinakita ko sakanya na para bang nakikita nga niya ang ultrasound result na yun. "That's our angel, Ken. Ang cute niya, diba?" I giggled between my sobs.
"Next week I'm going back to the doctor, sana by that time kasama na kita. Para marinig mo na rin yung heartbeat niya. I promise, Ken. It's the best feeling."
Naalala ko ang unang beses kong marinig ang heartbeat ng anak namin. Kakaibang saya ang naidulot nun sa akin. Para bang pinalakas ako ng ilang libong beses ng simpleng heartbeat niya. Sabi ng doctor, sa susunod na buwan ko pa malalaman ang gender nang baby at nagdadasal akong sa mga oras na 'yun gising na si Ken.
Lumipas ang mga araw at nanatili sa ganung kalagayan si Ken. He remained unconscious. Sabi naman nang mga doktor, stable ang vital signs niya pero hindi pa rin maiaalis ang risk ng complications. His abdominal trauma is so severe.
Hindi ako umalis sa tabi niya. Pinangako kong hihintayin ko ang pagbabalik niya and I want to remain true to my words. Tulad ngayon, hindi ko na namalayan ang pagkakaidlip ko sa gilid ng kama niya. Nakayuko akong nakatulog kaya bahagyang sumakit ang leeg ko sa posisyong yun.
Hinaplos ko ang mukha niyang tulog pa rin. "Kapag talaga hindi ka gumising diyan malalagot ka sakin." hindi tulad ng mga nakakaraang araw na puro iyak lang ang ginagawa ko. Ngayon ay mas gumagaan na ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko alam kung nasanay na lang ba ako sa problema o tumatag na lang ang pagkatao ko.
Nakarinig ako ng mahinang katok mula sa labas. Dinungaw ko ang maliit na bintana sa kwarto. Nakasilip si Tita at sinenyasan akong lumabas muna. Isang tao lang kasi ang pwede sa loob at hindi ko namalayang sobrang tagal ko na pala sa loob. Nakaligtaan ko na halos ang pagkain.
Ngumti ako kay Tita. I mouthed, "Saglit lang po." Pero nabigla ako sa dumungaw rin sa salamin. What is he doing here? Akala ko ba ay nasa ibang bansa siya? Hindi ko maiwasang magtaka sa presensya na rito.
"Chrome.."I whispered his name. Ngumiti siya sakin. It took me awhile before returning his smile. He still looks the same. Pero mahaba na ang buhok niya at may malilit na buhok ang tumutubo sa muka niya. Napailing na ako. He looks like hell taht has risen from the dead.
Ibinalik ko kay Ken ang mga mata ko. Pinagmasdan ko ulit siya habang nakatayo sa gilid ng kaniyang kama. Hawak ko pa rin ang mga kamay niya. I slightly squeezed it, "Babalik ako, baby. You have to wake up when I come back. Kakausapin ko lang si Chrome." sabi ko at hinalikan ko siya sa noo.
Bibitawan ko na sana ang kamay niya pero biglang sumarado ang mga daliri niya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Hindi ako nakagalaw sa nasaksihan ko. "Come on baby. You can do it." Bulong ko sakanya. I waited for another movement but it didn't happen.
I sighed and kissed his knuckles. "I'll be waiting for the day, Ken." For the second time, bibitawan ko siya pero tulad ng kanina ay sumarado ng kusa ang kamay niya sa kamay ko. But this time, mas mahigpit ang pagkakasarado nito na para bang takot na takot akong pakawalan.
Dumako ang tingin ko sa mukha niya at halos kapusin ako ng hininga ng makitang nakamulat ang mga mata niya at nakatitig sakin. "Oh my god!" I cursed under my breath and immediately pressed the emergency button.
His eyes glittered with light as he tried to give me a weak smile,
"I-I'm back."