To put last night in words would be insulting to the night itself, because it was indescribable. The only way I could even paint an image of it would be to use a string of clichés, and none of us want that, right? I loved the way our bodies fit like puzzles, and it felt like I finally found the piece I always lost as a kid. His hands cooled my worried breathes, and there was no worry on if I was doing anything right, because with him it was like I could do no wrong. It felt like...It made my feel like an even bigger bitch to push him away so much. Not over what we did, but the fact he was willing to do it. Then again, he is a guy. And on the other side, it didn’t feel like he was only doing it because he was a hormonal boy and I was an okay looker in his eyes. It felt like it was because he wanted me to feel right.
Lying on my side, I couldn’t help but marvel, and wonder what I did to get someone like him. My hand carelessly went to his face, my fingers lightly hovering over the lips that carried so much…care. Or would it be love? I don’t know. What I do know, is his soft breates began to pick up speed, and seconds later his eyes fluttered open. I must be sprung, because that simple motion made my heart beat a little quicker and a soft blood rush to my cheeks.
“Morning.” He said, voice still heavy with sleep.
“Good morning.”
My eyes fluttered involuntarily as a tingle shot through my body. “Thank you.” I decided to cut to the chase, because neither of us were really ones to beat around bushes and hide in streams at this point. His form of a welcome was kissing my lips, which deepened into something else until I pulled back.
His hand reached out, caressing my cheek before slithering down to my waist, pulling me into him. “How do you feel?”
“Do you want the simple version or the poetic one?” I asked.
“Hmmm…let’s try poetic.”
“I feel…like a blind man seeing the sun and a deaf Mother hearing her babies cries. I feel…like a deserted desert on the first day of Spring, not expecting any rain, but getting a sprinkle. In short, I feel amazing.”
“So you don’t regret anything?” He questioned, doubt evident in his voice.
I shook my head, wondering to myself why he what he would doubt. “What would I regret?” He shrugged before mumbling an incoherent statement. Deciding it might be best I didn’t know what he said, I wrapped an arm around his neck, absently playing in his little back curls on his head, forcing him to look at me as I spoke. “Last night was perfect, and you were perfect. I don’t think I could ever regret what happened in my life, and if I had to choose anyone else to it with it would always be you. You would always be my first choice…because you’re the only person I trust. So don’t screw it up, mkay?”
He chuckled at my last statement. “Way to ruin an emotional moment.”
“It’s what I do.” I smiled as his lips met mine, only pulling away when I decided it was best to get dressed, or I would never leave this room. “I’m about to go shower and crap.” I took my blanket off the bed, wrapping it around myself as I left. I don’t know why, because I’m sure he saw everything last night, but it just felt like the right thing to do.
Multiple hours later, okay, it was only two; both of us were dressed and looking for something to do. Still, we sat on my front porch, swinging in the loveseat chair. It was so quiet back here. There was nothing but trees for miles, and a pond was a yard or two in the back. Okay, maybe I did spend a little more than necessary on a house when I got the money too.
“I want to see Jailee.” I said, right out of the blue.
Calvin looked at me for a few seconds. “She’s at the Marriott Hotel, room 23B.”
“What? How do you know that?”
“Momma Tonya told me when she left. I was going to take you over there yesterday before we went to see the boys but…yeah.”
It was at that moment I added one more strike against…Terrence. I can’t even find the strength to call him Dad anymore. It was sick and twisted to call him that.
“Whelp,” I stood up, pulling down my high waisted shorts and taking CJ’s hand in mine. “Looks like we’re going over there. Now.” Yes, I was demanding.
Knocking on the door, I started to panic automatically when I didn’t receive an answer. So I started to knock on it continuously, not breaking until it was swung open. In front of me, stood a surprisingly put together Jailee. I suspected puffy eyes and messed up hair, so I was shocked when I saw hair a honey blonde color and eye-liner winged eyes. Her hair definitely wasn’t that color a couple days ago.
“Jai-” I was interrupted when the door started closing, and put my foot in the middle to stop it. I’m guessing she knows I knew about the baby. “Jai…” I followed her in the suite, into her room.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Desiree.” She said, going to the drawers and taking clothes out. She began to neatly fold them and put them in her cheetah print suitcase like I wasn’t even there.
“But you don’t understand.”
That seemed to break the ice as if I was an Ice Cutter in Frozen. She spun so fast I thought she acquired some Superpower, and I swear her eyes turned a few tints darker and her skin complexion reddened.
“I am so fucking sick and tired without everyone telling me I don’t understand? How do I not understand my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and they both lied to me about it? This isn’t no damn Keyshia Cole Trust and Believe video! This is real life, and that shit hurts! And how the hell do I not understand someone who seemed so real and like a best friend knew that she was pregnant by him and didn’t tell me? That’s some fake shit too!”
I had to dodge the pair of pants she threw in the middle of her rant, though I don’t think they were really to hurt me.
“Jailee, I didn’t know she was pregnant by him when I found out! I didn’t know she was pregnant until I was in the hospital, and then it wasn’t my concern what she did with herself!”
“But what about after that? When I was at your house and told you they had been creepin’? Did it not dawn on you it could be his?”
“It did but-”
“Exactly! As far as I’m concerned you were in damn cahoots with them and you all can rot in hell!”
“ It is not like that, Jailee!” I gripped her arm, keeping it light enough to where she didn’t fel threatened. Honestly, I didn’t feel like fighting with her- she can do damage even if she is smaller than my toe nail. “You won’t even let me explain.”
“It is because I’m sick of everyone having something to explain! Why must everyone do stupid shit, and then feel like others should hear them out. I’m done with this shit, I’m done with them, and right now…I’m done with you, because you couldn’t be real with me when I needed you the most.”
It was at that moment my stomach dropped and I felt that newly familiar closing throat feeling. It was sad to say, but all I really had in my life were my Mom, Calvin, and Jailee. They were the only people I ever opened up too, even if it wasn’t completely (okay, so Jai was the only one who didn’t know my past, but she has her own demons to cope with) and the thought of them leaving me in the dust was horrendous.
“No, Jai!” I gripped her wrist as she tried to walk past me, out the door. She turned to face me, looking oddly calm after her recent blow up. This girl needed to be an actress. “I tried to tell you, you just don’t know how bad I did-”
“But you didn’t.”
“Let me talk! I tried to tell you and you kept interrupting me! For a second, I though you knew already because you said that worst part wasn’t even them just being together- so I thought you interrupting me was you not wanting to hear what you already know! You should know damn good and well I wouldn’t keep nothing like that for you, because I wouldn’t want anyone to keep something like that from me- especially not if we were something like best friends. I would always tell you something like that; because it’s a gam changer you need to know. I would hate for you to have taken him back for whatever reason and then find out he has a baby by your ex best friend.”
She scoffed. “As if I would ever take his pathetic ass back. I would rather take the flesh eating virus.”
We laughed together. I tossed my hair behind me before asking my next question. “So are we cool again?”
“Yes, we are.” She engulfed me in a hug, pulling back seconds later. “I was never mad at you, I just needed to vent.”
“Well you could have fooled me.” I rolled my eyes. “Thought we were goin’ have to fight around here.”
“Ugh, trust me, I’ve done my fighting for the year. Too pretty for that.” She flipped her own hair around. “Like the new color?”
“It matches your eyes…in a totally non-creepy way, but why the change? Dark blue fit you.”
She shrugged. “Felt the need for a change.”
“Oh…well let’s go to lunch. Calvin’s probably wondering what took so long.”
“ I was wondering how you found out where I was…”
We went to an Applebee’s near their hotel rooms, since they would be leaving shortly after. It was time for them to fly back to Atlanta for their breaks. Well, Calvin’s break- Jailee was just going back home. We sat in a booth all the way towards the back of the restaurant, practically hidden from all visible eyes, so we wouldn’t get stopped by any fans. It was nice to just relax around people I was comfortable around, because it hadn’t happened in a while. I ‘ve been in the spotlight three years now, and that meant no new friends were in the circle. It was too hard to tell the true from the fake, especially when my older friends started to change on me, only calling when they needed something. It was better to just keep to myself and my business. I never realized how lonely that was until I found someone to share it with.
Jailee told us about her planning on starting college in the fall, though she wouldn’t stay on campus. She wasn’t as worried about the people as the separation from her family. She acknowledged she wasn’t ready to stay in a dorm by herself, and she wants to stay with family so, I guess that’s okay. Calvin talked about online courses staring soon, and how he was mad to not be able to go in a classroom. He was used to it, of course, because he had been homeschooled, or bus schooled since he was twelve, but he wanted College to be different. Still, he was under contract, and that involved being able to move with the group. It rally was a sad situation.
I mentioned to them my impending decisions to either stay in Los Angeles or move back to my hometown of Chicago. L.A held a lot of good memories, but there were also a lot of bad ones too. We moved to L.A when I was a teeny tot to broaden horizons and open new doors. I was discovered here, and my Mom became a Registered Nurse here, but this is also where I was molested by Terrence. In Chicago…I heard it was rough in certain areas now, so I probably wouldn’t be on the Southside. Maybe way up North, because I know it’s good there. But Chicago would give me a low profile, no bad memories, and time to recollect myself.
But it was a choice I had to make, because when I mentioned it to my Mom she had little to no opinion.
Still, that’s a thought for later. Now, I was standing in an airport terminal, trying to savor the miniscule moments I had left with Calvin.
“What are we going to do now?” I asked him. “You’re all the way in goddamn Atlanta somewhere.”
“I already told you I was up for whatever you decide.”
It was true. Jailee accidently brought this conversation up after lunch, and ever since then it’s plagued my mind more than whether I should move or not. He already told me the decision was mine to make, and I knew where he stands, but for me it was weird. I was barely used to having someone close to me, and I knew I wasn’t ready to hold onto something that was out of reach. I wanted him here, with me, and in the same freaking time zone. But that wasn’t an option. He would be away from me more than with me, and while I didn’t want to let him go, I didn’t wasn’t to risk time or some other cliché crap tearing us apart forcefully.
It was a hard decision.
“Maybe…we shouldn’t put labels on us. I replied, quickly adding, “Not yet at least. I mean, we’re in two different time zones, and I don’t even know where I’ll be by next week. And...I’m not a distance person. I need to call and say come here and you can come- sorry, it’s just how I am. But at the same time, I don’t want to let you go at all. All I want…is for you to be here, but you have family. I don’t know what I want.”
“And I can’t tell you what you want.” The intercom announced the last chance to get on for his flight. “Look, I understand where you’re coming from. I may not know it completely, but I can understand it. Know, you’ll always be my girl no matter what decision you make, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Okay.” He pecked my lips, and I had to restrain myself not to deepen it in any way. “I’ll call you when I land, okay?”
“Okay.” He backed away slowly, until eventually turning from me and going to turn in his ticket.
Before he disappeared in the terminal separating thingy (As long as I’ve been getting on planes I do not know the name for it) he blew me a kiss. I waved slowly, placing the hand on my chest to calm my rapidly beating heart. Even after his plane took off and disappeared behind the clouds, I found myself having to force myself to move from the viewing window. It hurt, to think I wouldn’t see him for months at a time. I really thought this stuff only happened in movies.