Kabanata XLV: I'm losing it
Ken's POV
I lost count of the days or if it's weeks– I don't really know and I don't care. Hindi ko maintindihan ang lahat ng nangyari. It's like I'm in space. I lost the gravity that's keeping me sane and on the ground. I lost my girl. I lost her without even knowing why.
Everything happens in a blur. One moment I was scrambling on my knees just to fight for her, the next moment I was sprawling in tears and pain. It is as if the kisses that they shared suck all the energy inside of me. I lost all the will. I lost the battle without even having the chance to put up a goddamn fight.
Ganun kabilis ang lahat.
Why does love have to be so complicated? I sighed. I really fall deep and hard for Mandy. Hindi siya mawala sa sistema ko at natatakot akong hindi siya ganun sakin. Na kaya niyang mabuhay na wala ako habang ako ay miserable ng wala siya.
Maybe Rafael was right. I shouldn't let Mandy rule my life. Sa tinakbo ng relasyon namin, hinayaan ko siyang dominahin ang puso ko. I let her suck out every ounce of love I could give. And by allowing that I'm left with nothing but the wounds of our failed relationship.
"Babae lang yan, Ken. You wouldn't die without her. Don't ruin your life." Aniya nung minsang abutan akong nakahandusay sa bar dala ng kalangisan. Lango ako sa alak pero ang sinabi niyang yun tumatak sakin. He's furious. Galit siya hindi dahil sa naglasing ako kundi sa dahilan ng paglalasing ko.
I've been with Raf eversince and he's like a brother to me—sila ni Zeke. He knows how I deal with problems and I know he couldn't believe how a woman can make me cripple like this. I'm tough. I'm fearless yet one woman brought all the insanity out of me.
"Uhm Sir, the CEO is looking for you" I was taken out of the oblivion when I heard Audrey's voice.
I was quite surprised. Hindi ko napansin ang pagpasok niya. Masyado na akong okupado ng mga papeles na binabasa ko magmula kaninang umaga kaya maging ang pagbukas ng pintuan ay hindi ko na namamalayan.
Kumunot ang noo ko, "What's the matter?" I asked boringly as I slouch back on my chair. Bahagya kong minasahe ang sentido ko para maibsan ang nagbabadyang pananakit nito habang hinihintay ang sagot niya. I can't remember the last time I had a good night of sleep and rest. Kaya madalas ang pagsumpong ng migraine ko dahil sa kakulangan ko ng tulog at pahinga.
"It's about the Villanueva account, Sir." I heard her say that. Naiwan sa ere ang kamay ko sa sinabi niya. She caught my attention for some odd reason.
"W-what account?" tanong ko. I was full of hopes. Umaasa akong tama ang narinig kong sinabi niya. I want to stop myself from expecting but I just found myself holding my breath for split seconds.
She sighed. "Vil-la-cer-na, Sir."she said slowly. I felt a pang in my heart. For a while there I stared at Audrey. I thought I heard her say Villanueva. I'm hearing things.
Kumawala ang malalim na buntong hininga sakin. Pinakalma ko ang sarili ko. I told you. Expectation leads to disappointment. "What about that account? I have settled that last week." naayos ko na ang account na yun kaya nakakapagtakang pinatatawag ako ni Troy tungkol dun. It's a multi-million construction deal at dahil ako ang in charge sa mga construction deals ako ang pinag-ayos ni Troy.
"May pag-uusapan daw po kayo about some private matters and the construction next week. Kayo daw po ang in charge sa facilitation ng ground breaking just like the Cebu account." napatiim ang labi ko.
Cebu. Of all places why mention that particular place. We shared so much splendid things on that island.
"Sir.." she called for my attention. I sighed. "Give me a minute."
Napansin ko ang madalas ng paghawak ni Audrey sa malalaki niyang salamin habang kausap ako. I don't know if she's up to what I'm thinking but I just shrugged the thought. She's her friend and I don't want anything to do with anyone linked to her. Tumango na lang ako at sinabing susunod sa office ni Troy.
Hindi pa siya agad umalis. Tiningnan pa muna niya ko ng mabuti bago bumuntong hininga. Tulad ng dati, para bang may gusto siyang sabihin sakin pero hindi niya magawa. Hindi ko na lang pinansin hanggang sa makaalis siya.
Nagsalin ako ng alak sa baso at ininom.
Three months. I'm an idiot for saying I don't know how long it has been. Bawat araw bawat minuto bawat segundo ng buhay ko na wala siya bilang na bilang ko. It's been three long months without her. It's three months of misery. Three months of pain. Three months of pointless journey. Ganun na katagal na wala akong balita sakanya and I've been in the lowest low of my life.
I thought after every pain and heartache she inflicted me I could afford to hate her. That I can loathe the hell out of her. But I was so wrong. Yes, I hate her but not enough for me not to want to go and see her. Galit ako sakanya pero hindi ibig sabihin nun ay hindi ko na siya mahal. Deep inside me I could still feel the affection I have for her.
I love my baby and I love her so much to forget everything just to have her again. Yun nga lang ako lang ang nagmamahal saming dalawa. It's one sided and its damn painful to take.
In that 3 months she literally shut everyone out of her life. I've never seen her after the engagement. I tried to find her but something is pulling me back. As if telling me I've done my part and I should learn yo let go. Kaya nga naisipan ko ng bumalik sa trabaho.
Yes, I'm back at work. Hindi ko alam kung paano but I need to fix myself. Siguro nga mas pinili ni Mandy si Jasper. I did my research and I know he's her childhood sweetheart. Maybe they rekindled old flames.
I clenched my fist while holding the glass. By just the mere thought of her loving someone else makes me want to rage and punch everyone.
Noon ko napatunayan na marami pa nga akong hindi alam tungkol sakanya. I don't know her past relationship-- aside from Chrome, her favorites, her issues with life. I haven't even met her parents formally. A month is not enough to know everything and I thought I have forever to know her but I was wrong.
Forever doesn't exist. It is just a lie to feed the stupid minds of people who are fvcked up in love. Everything is just between hello and goodbye. It's just our imagination that kept on telling and hoping we could find the elusive forever.
After a few glasses, I headed to Troy. I didn't bother to knock since his secretary motioned my way in. I saw him facing his ceiling to floor window that overlooks the whole city. He's obviously waiting for me.
"Pinatawag mo raw ako." Humarap siya sakin. Hindi siya nagsalita pero sumenyas siyang maupo ako, which I did.
There's is this large family portrait in his office.I envy this man. He has everything that every man could wished for. A happy married life. A beautiful wife. Four wonderful kids and an empire. His life is perfect. Too perfect to even believe it existed.
Maski ang pamilya nila ay perpekto. Tito Lance never gave Tita a headache. Unlike my ingrate father who vanquish every love and affection my mom has showered him just for my good for nothing ex. Hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap and I want it to remain that way. Siguro nga kumpara sa pamilya ni Troy ay basura ang pamilya ko. But that's how fate works. You can never have everything that you want.
"I'm filing an indefinite leave." He told me while he was standing infront of his table. My brows furrowed and I can't help but wonder why. I know him as an arse hole workaholic and I find it odd to hear him say that.
"Why? Is there something wrong?" I asked worriedly.
Nagkibit balikat siya. "No. I just need time for my family. Lumalaki ang mga bata napag-iiwanan ako." sabi niya habang natatawa. Napatango-tango ako. Akala ko naman ay kung ano na. "My wife is nagging the hell out of me to spend some time with them. Tama naman siya, masyado na kong nalulunod ng trabaho."
"And what does it have to do with me?" I asked quizically.
"Dahil ikaw ang Acting CEO while I'm gone." my eyes widened.
He chuckled. "I'll leave the empire to you, Ken. I expect it will run smoothyly under your supervision."
Natahimik ako kaya't nagpatuloy siya, "Ikaw ang mamamahala sa business transactions while I'm away with my family. You'll participate in the board meetings and ikaw din ang magsusupervise ng Villacerna account personally." aniya. I wanted to refuse but I know my cousin need some help.
"I'll handle that. Yun lang ba?"
He turned and looked at me seriously. "Mr. Villacerna made some amendments in the contract that might change your mind I just want you to read it." Aniya. Nagtaka ako. He took out a blue folder and gave it to me. I scanned the pages and as I was flipping the last page I saw what he is talking about. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa papel. This is damn frustrating on my part.
Parang nanadya ang tadhana saming dalawa. Of all people, Of all the companies in the country why choose this one. It took me forever bago mapakalma ang sistema ko. I closed the folder and gave it back to him.
"That's fine with me. He can do whatever he wants. It's the client's call." I said emotionlessly but deep inside my mind I'm thinking of all the possibilities.
"Kaya mo?" subok niya sakin.
I fake a smile and mirked at him trying to hide the disgust I'm feeling. "I'm a professional, Troy. Gago man ako but I don't mix work with my personal problems. I can deal with that Elizalde. No sweat. You have nothing to worry."
I could feel my hand swelling on the arm chair. This is de javu. Kung noon si Chrome ang nakatrabaho ko habang kami ni Mandy this time it will be her soon-to-be husband that I'll be working with. Too much fate. Ayaw talagang mawalan ako ng koneksyon sa buhay niya. Tss.
"If you say so..." sabi niya ng tumatango-tango. "I'll count on you."
"Yeah enjoy your vacay." sang-ayon ko.
Nag-usap pa kami ni Troy sa mga projects na hawak ko na natengga. He even mentioned his family and kids. He's acting like a doting father and a responsible husband. Nangarap tuloy ako. In the future I'll be like this man or even better than him. I'll have a family and be the best partner. And while thinking about the future I didn't see a different woman, I saw Mandy. Siya lang ang nakikita kong kasama ko sa habang buhay.
Paalis na sana ko but Troy stopped me. He handed me 2 paper bags. Akala ko ay kung ano lang but what awed me is its content. Punong-puno ng pagkain and when I say food I mean my favorites. "Pinaabot ng asawa ko sayo. She told me to hand it to you." Lalo akong nagtaka. Hindi kami close ng asawa niya para bigyan ako ng isang buong paperbag na puno ng pagkain.
"For what?" I asked curiously.
He shrugged his shoulder and smirked."Just take the food and eat it." he's acting weird.
--ooOoo—
I was sitting comfortably on a sofa in the corner of this bar. At the end of the day I still have to deal with the empty hole inside me. Tahimik akong umiinom habang nakatitig sa baso ko. It has become a habit for me. I would go here every night and drink few shots so that I could sleep. Hindi na ko nakakatulog ng walang alcohol sa katawan. Somehow, it became my escape from reality.
Sa twing makakainom ako ay nagkakaroon ako ng pagkakataon na makkatulog pero minsan ay talagang hindi na umeepekto sakin ang alak kaya nauuwi ako sa puyat at sakit ng ulo.
"Hey babe, kamusta ka?"
"Are you on?"
"Let's dig tonight!"
"I missed you!"
Kaniya-kaniyang istilo ang mga babaeng to sa pagkuha ng atensyon ko but all of them ended up sighing. I'm not in the mood to play at least for the night. Yes, I did try other women. I'm no saint. I'm a man with raging needs but all of them ended the very second they kissed me.
Para kong napapaso sa halik nila. It's not hormonal or something sexual it's like I'm kissing a cactus. Nasasaktan ako sa twing dadampi ang labi ko sakanila. I don't know if Mandy even cursed me. Sinumpa yata niya ko na wala akong ibang babae na mahahalikan bukod sakanya. Everytime I kissed them I remember her. I remember that night.I remember the sensation she's giving me.
Pakiramdam ko ay nagtataksil ako sa babaeng mahal ko. That's my vow to myself. Once I found the one I'll be loyal. Kaya kong maging tapat sakanya kahit wala siya sa tabi ko. After all, being faithful to her is my choice and she got nothing to do with it.
I let out a bitter chuckle. I should get going. Naalala ko na naman siya and if I don't stop myself I would end sunken drunk once again. I emptied my glass and readied myself to go. The night is young yet here I am feeling old.
"Ken! Oh god you're here!" I was astounded when a woman wearing almost nothing wrapped her arms around mine. It's Ciara Elizalde. Mabilis pa sa alas kwatrong inangkla niya sa braso ko ang kamay niya. I was taken aback. The thing with Elizalde and their mushroom like appearance.
"Hey yeah" bati ko habang pilit na tinatagtag ang braso niya sa akin. I could smell alcohol all over her. Lasing na lasing siya at hula ko ay kaya niya nagagawang lumambitin sakin ay dahil sa kalasingan niya.
She's very professional inside the office and I never thought she'll be clingy and all outside.
Pinagtitinginan na rin kami ng mga tao. Most of them are the women whom I declined couple of minutes ago. "Ciara get off me pinagtitinginan tayo." iritadong wika ko pero hindi siya natinag at lalong dinikit ang sarili sakin.
I could feel her boobies on my body. Fck sh!t this woman is very gifted! Napapaso ako sakanya. I can imagine Mandy's raging face.
Oh Ken stop thinking about her. She's gone. She left you.
"Its been a while since I saw you and yet you're being grumpy ~~" maarteng sabi niya.
"Yeah yeah move aside. Nalilintikan ako sa kadidikit mo." nilakasan ko ang tulak sakanya kaya bahagya siyang natalisod. Mabilis kong hinapit ang beywang niya para hindi siya tuluyang mabuwal.
"Easy woman." I said but she just laughed it off.
"Being easy is not in my vocabulary Ken~~" she said seductively.
I'm not feeling good about this. "Sinong kasama mo?" balewala ko sa naunang sinabi niya. Pinagmasdan ko ang malilikot niyang mata senyales na talagang lasing na lasing siya. Ni hindi siya makatayo ng maayos kaya kailangan ko pa siyang alalayan.
Labag man sa loob ko ay dinikit ko sa katawan ko ang katawan niya. "Umayos ka, Ciara. Stand up!" utos ko.
Humagikgik siya at pilit niyapos ang dibdib ko habang patuloy akong umiiwas. "~Wala akong kasama. I'm lonely like you~~" punong-puno pa rin ng pang-aakit ang boses niya. Inihilig nito ang ulo niya sa dibdib ko at paulit-ulit na hinaplos. Napapikit ako sa ginawa niya. I'm a man with needs for godsake!
"~You like this, right?~~" sabi pa niya habang nilalaro ang kamay niya sa palibot ng dibdib ko.
What should I do with this woman?
Hindi ako nagsalita. I lead her way out of the club with her arms still clinging on mine. Para na siyang linta sa pagkakapit sakin. I can't afford leaving her inside the club. I caught so many eyes looking at her. Mostly men.
"Alin dito ang kotse mo?" I asked while searching the sea of cars in the parking lot. Umungol lang siya. She's a hopeless case. I decided to use my own car.
Inihilig ko siya sa gilid ng sasakyan ko habang pilit kong inaabot sa bulsa ng coat ko ang susi. Tumalikod pa ko para makuha ito. But when I faced her, I was dumb-founded. My eyes widened and I could feel my body trembling in shock.
Bigla niya kong siniil ng halik-- mapupusok at mainit na halik. I could taste the sweet and alcohol flavor in her mouth. And she's enjoying the fact that I'm resisting it. "Give in, Ken"mapusok na sabi niya. I tried to answer but she took that as a chance to explore my mouth.
She's fiercely dishielving my lips. Sinubukan kong lumayo pero mabilis niyang nahawakan ang batok ko para hindi ako makakawala. I could feel my own hands touching her body and core.
Tangina! I'm losing it!