After Nash left I fell asleep. The next morning I work to the sound of someone knocking on my door. “Who is it" I called out. I didn't feel like getting out of bed plus I look like a hot mess.
“Breakfast" A female voice answer.
“The door is open"
A moment later a woman entered my room. I knew immediately she wasn't a hotel staff but she had a tray with my breakfast on it. I sit on in the bed. “Who are you?" I asked.
“Hi Nessa, I'm Dr. Karen Lee" she holds out her hand for me to shake it after she had rest the tray with my breakfast on the on my bed. I took her hand and shake it.
“You must be wondering what I'm doing here. Nash has invite me down here. I'm a Psychologist"
“Oh okay. But that doesn't explain why you had my breakfast"
“I meet the waiter on the way and I told him I'll bring it to you" she said with a smile. “May I sit?"
“Sure" she sit in one of the chair facing the bed.
“Nash has explain your situation to me but I need to know if you're okay with me being here"
To be honey, I didn't like her. This early in the morning and she was stunningly beautiful, she wasn't even wearing make up. She was wearing a black Kan Kan skinny jeans and a white off shoulder top.
“I do have some problems to work out but..." I trail off.
“You're not comfortable with me. That's okay I could recommended a few other Doctors"
“It's not that I'm uncomfortable with you it's just I was wondering how do you know Nash"
“Ah! I get it, you're wondering what my relationship with Nash is? Well I have .permission to tell you. His sister Sarah is one of my client"
“Oh okay" I mumbled feeling a bit stupid because I though she was an ex-girlfriend.
“Nessa, I'm quite good at what I do and I really want to work with you. That is, if you're comfortable with me now."
I give her a slight smile. “ I don't
know you but I guess I'm as comfortable with you as anyone else"
“Okay then, where do you want to start?" She asked me. I thought she was the doctor, why the hell she's asking me where I want to start.
“Do you mind if I eat" the smell of the food was getting to me and the twins was hungry.
As I eat I started to talk. I know you're not suppose to talk with food in your mouth but it was better than the alternative which is her watching me eat my breakfast.
I told her about my childhood, about my husband death and about my feeling for Nash.
“What you're saying is that you're not sure if anyone ever loved you for you" Dr. Karen repeat back to me. I was sitting on the bed hugging my knees.
“Yes" I answered.
“Why do you need their love?"
I frowned at her, “what do you mean why do I need their love?"
“I mean you could live your life without anyone loving you. As long as you love yourself then everything else will fall into place."
“That makes no sense" I was becoming angry. We spent all day with me talking about my life, bearing my deepest feeling that I have never revealed to anyone, never even admitted to myself before today. And Karen was telling me the solution to all my problems was to love myself and everything else would fall into place.
“I love myself" I snapped at her.
“All day I have been pouring out my heart to you and the best you can come up with is to love myself. I already love myself" I was screaming now and I didn't care. “My whole life I had love myself and everything didn't fall into place. My parents died, my grandfather abandoned me. I grow up on my own. I have fucking trust issues and self-esteem problems" I was crying and yelling at her now and I know longer care what she think of me.
“Get out of my room now and don't come back" I yelled at her, pouring out all my rage.
“I'm not going anywhere you need to hear this" she said in a quiet but stern voice.
“Poor little rich girl who grow up on her own with no one. Not never her two best friends and her best friend mom."
I was about to scream at her but I stopped. She was right I did have Raven and her mom supporting me, being there for me. Then later on K.P was there for me in her unique way. I was feeling a bit ashamed of how I screamed at her earlier. But she was still wrong about me loving myself and everything else would fall into place. And that poor little rich girl comment.
“You know what Karen, just because you're right about me having my friends and Raven mom there for me doesn't mean that you know anything. I spent all day telling you about my childhood. Of course any genius could figure out they were there for me."
“Then way didn't you figure it our before Nessa, that all your life you had family members loving and supporting you."
“Well I didn't say I was a genius and I never said I didn't have support. I wanted my parents to be there for me like everyone else. You know what Karen all you accomplish today is pissing me off and the rich girl comment just makes you sound like a jealous bitch."
I blow my nose and step off the bed. Opening the door I said.
“Now leave my room and don't come back because your stupid love yourself theory doesn't work"
She gets up from the chair and walk to the door.
“I'll be back two days from now and Leonessa my theory does work. You need to ask yourself, do I really love me"
“I do love myself Karen"
She stood next to me at the door. “Do you Nessa?" She asked as she left. I stood by the door staring after her.
It was not her words which bothered me, it was the way she said it with a knowing smirk and something in her voice, I couldn't place it. I just know it rob me the wrong way and it had me thinking.
“Mom" I heard Antonio shout my name and that's when I realized I was standing in the doorway. Staring at a long gone Karen.
“Hey sweetie" I called out. “Where are you going?"
“We are going snorkeling with Nash."
“okay honey have fun"
I closed my door and got on the bed, I just lay there thinking about my life and about myself.
The next morning I didn't want to get off my bed. I had cry myself to sleep. I was pathetic, how did I allow myself to screw up my life so much. I wanted to call Karen to talk but every time I pick up my phone I could hear her voice saying that if I love myself everything will be okay. Did she mean to say that because I didn't love myself that all these bad things happen to me.
My phone beep as I was coming out of the bathroom checking it I saw that my next doctor's appointment was later today. I called my pilot and told him I would need the jet to fly to San Francisco for my doctors appointment.
Since I haven't spoke to Nash since that night, I had no idea where his room was. So I called him.
“Hey it's me, I have to fly back to San Francisco for my doctor's appointment can you watch the kids for me please."
“Yeah sure Nessa, no problem but the kids wants to go to another island. Would that be okay with you"
“Yeah sure, have someone pack up my things and I'll settle the bill here before I leave"
“Nessa"
“Yeah"
“I love you have a safe journey"
He hang up the phone after that. I call the front desk for a car to the airport and then quickly dress. I then asked for the bill only to be told that Mr. Turner had already paid for everything.
I spent the seven hours of the flight reading and sleeping. I had called my doctor and asked her to push back my appointment because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it on time.
Several hours later I was coming out of the doctor's office. I was looking down at my phone at the pictures of my babies. The doctor couldn't tell me the sex of them because of how they were position in my womb. I heard someone shout my name, I looked up immediately but I didn't see anyone so I went back to the picture. I want to share it with K.P and Raven but since I'm still mad at them I post it on Facebook for only close friends to see knowing they'll both see it.
“NESSA!"
This time I was sure I heard someone shouting my name. Turning I saw K.P waving me from across the street. Pretending like I didn't see her I got in my waiting car and told the driver if he got me to airport in the next twenty minutes I'll give him $500.00.
When I step out the car at the airport I give him $1000.00 and hurry to my waiting jet. Nash had texted me whiles I was in with the doctor. The kids choose Bora Bora as the next island and were were stay at the four season resort.
I was still amaze that I saw K.P, I was back for less then two hours and it was just my luck that I had to see K.P of all persons. I miss them, she and Raven. I miss talking to them I even miss our fights.
**********************************
“You are saying because I don't love myself enough that bad thinks happens to be. That if I had truly love who I am that non of those things would have happened."
Those were the first words out my mouth to Karen. True to her words she came knocking on my door early the morning asking if I'm ready for my session with her. We wasn't in my room this time were sitting on the beach, far away from any listening ears.
“You misunderstood me Nessa" she sighs “What I'm saying is that you need to know who you are, both your strengths and weakness. And when you do you need to love yourself. Try and discover who you are Nessa and fall in love with yourself and when you do that. You'll see most of you psychological problems will go away. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It's not a fair world. Bad things will continue to happen to you but when you know and love who you are then you'll be able to cope with these bad things and live you life. I'm not saying you're going to be happy all the times. I'm saying you'll be able to handle the situation and move on with your life." She turn and look at me. “Do you understand what I'm saying."
“Yes" I felt like a fool. Here I was saying her theory was stupid when all along I misunderstand what she said.
“Well now the real work begins"
“What do you mean?" I asked clearly confused. I through we were finish.
“Now I have to help you discover who is Nessa. The good part is I think you already know who you are you just need to acknowledge yourself and accept that's who you'll be"
She was right of course. I know exactly who I am it's just I'm afraid to accept me because if I do and I fail at what I really want then I'll have to accept that I'm a failure and I don't think I'll be able to recover from that.
Over the next few weeks she worked with me, at first she showed me interview with people I know. Who they think I am and how they see me. Raven and K.P's interview had me most emotional. Karen had told them about what I'm doing and what I'm going through. They had both wanted to come to support me but I still refuse. I needed to do this alone.
Nash had hired private teachers for Antonio and Antonia so they were really missing out on their school work. He had been a great support and his interview of who I am was most touching because he was the only one who really describes me as I am. I'm happier now, I finally understand what Karen was trying to tell me. Once I had complete love for myself and I know who I am. I could accomplish anything.
“Mummy are we really going home today?"
“Yes darling we are" I smile at Antonia. I was sitting on the beach between her and Antonio.
“Six weeks away from school, who knew I would have miss it" Antonio commented.
“You miss school" Antonia asked him incredulously.