Lana lays across the grass on the blanket with her sketch book in front of her. She scribbles away practicing. She's really gotten good at it, she wants to do realism.
"How's the book?" Lana asks, her eyes still on the paper.
"It's great, I love Scott Westerfield." I try to focus on my book but I love watching her stress, she's just always doing something to better herself.
"You've been on the same page for the last ten minutes." She smiles at me over her shoulder "I know you read faster than that."
I sigh and lay on my back beside her "it's not easy when you're just laying here looking all beautiful and ethereal."
"Oh my gosh stawp!" She drops her head onto her sketch book.
"Stop what?" I ask twirling a lock of hair around my finger. "being honest."
"You're too much." She props her head on her hand and just looks at me.
"I just think you deserve to know how much I love you all the time." I tell her honestly, she loves honest love.
"Yeah?" She bites her lip trying to hide her smile.
"definitely." I sit up and peck a kiss on her lips. She giggles and follows me back to the ground keeping her lips on mine.
"I love you so much, Theo." She whispers wrapping her arms around my neck.
"I love you more than anything else." I wrap my arms around her "you're my world, Lana." Her arms tighten around me and she just holds onto me. I squeeze her back I'm here for you I think I'm right here, just tell me what wrong. I don't say anything though, I just hold her.
"Sorry." She gives a breathy laugh and sits back. "I interrupted your reading." She lays back down in front of her sketch book and starts in on some shading. I try to read my book but my eyes keep falling on her, just watching her. her hair is frizzy today, she's got a rash on her shoulder half hidden under her t-shirt. It always flares up when she's stressed. She chews on her cheek as she focuses on her drawing, her eyes squint a little then she starts to smile. She's liking her work so far. Her legs kick in the air and she starts to hum again.
"What song is that?" I ask her. she smiles, her eyes firmly on her drawing.
"Phoenix by Lindsey sterling." She says.
"Sing me the words." I tuck her hair behind her ear.
"it's instrumental," she says "Lindsey is that amazing dancing violinist we were watching the week."
"Oh, I thought it sounded familiar." It didn't, I didn't remember it at all but, Lana is good with music though.
"It's beautiful, isn't it." She continues humming it, she sounds nice. She's not amazing at singing but she sounds nice.
"Yeah." I agree but I'm not talking about the music.
She switches a few songs after a few minutes of humming Phoenix before she settles on one I recognize. It's the one she was humming at the park the other day. The one by Neal or Niall or something like that. I don't remember the title but she likes it, that's good enough for me.
I turn over and set my book in front of me. I glance at her drawing, she's really doing well on the shading. She always says the shading is the hardest part for her, I think she just never practiced it before.
"Looking good." I tell her. she smiles.
"Thank you." She stops for a second before she starts in again on the other side of the face. She's content just doing this. A five-dollar sketch book, the fifty pack of Crayola colored pencils and the sun hanging over her. it's warm for a fall day today.
A familiar tone demands attention from her back pocket, she freezes and I swear I can see her rash flaring up even more.
"Do you want me to get it?" I offer. She forces a stiff smile, I don't like how often I'm seeing her stiff smiles lately.
"No, I got it." She pushes off the ground and walks a bit away from me, she doesn't want me to hear.
I watch her stre at her phone for a moment before she brings it to her ear,
"What do you want?" her voice is far but I can hear her desperation.
"Just leave me alone, it's been two years." I can hear tears in her voice.
"I didn't want anything to do with you then and I don't want anything to do with you now." Her voice is harsher than usually but after seeing the effect just mentioning has on her, I'm glad. Everyone has a breaking point and if someone found Lana's then they must be truly awful, done something terrible. Not necessarily to her either. She has such a high thresh hold for B.S even Alex can't light her fuse like this.
"No, go away." Lana hisses into the phone "I'm happy, I'm finally happy-" she goes silent for a few moments, she closes her eyes and she lets her phone drop down to her side.
She's just standing there now. Staring at the ground, I don't have to see to guess she's got a tear or two slipping out of her eye but I don't know if she wants me to go to her or if she'd rather I hadn't seen that. I know she didn't want me to hear it.
After another second, she seems to gather herself a bit better and she makes her way back to me. She plops down on the blanket and lays back against me resting her head on my chest and stares up at the sky.
"I can't wait to have dinner with your family." She says, "I miss your grandma."
"Me too." I chuckle grandma texting.
"What was your mom like?" Lana asks. "You don't really talk about her, I've heard a few stories but you never really say much beyond that." Lana turns her head to meet my eyes.
"I miss her." I admit "I miss her all the time," my heart squeezes at the thought of my mom "she was the mom that cooked way too much food and she's always invite my friends over without even telling me." I laugh "so I'd just come home and my friends would already be there helping her set the table." I shake my head at the memory. She could be a bit eccentric at times.
"And she made hot cocoa for us on winter mornings before the bus came dared the bus driver to say anything about us having drinks on the bus." A mixture of happy and sad bubble inside my chest.
"She was just... she was just amazing and the perfect mom and then she way gone." I swallow the lump in my throat and ignore the few tears that escaped down my face. "I miss her so much sometimes I forget how to breathe."
Lana reaches up and wipes my tears away. "Your mom sounds amazing," Lana's smile breaks through my sadness, the same way it did when we first met.
"I wish I could have met her." Lana brushes her thumb over my cheek.
"She would have loved you." I smooth her hair back and smile at her.
"Do you ever blame her for leaving you?" Lana whispers it like she's afraid of the question. I shake my head.
"Of course not... at least not anymore." I amend "I did when it first happened, but I was young and stupid and I just wanted someone I could blame so that I could be mad at them, eventually I realized it wasn't her fault, it's just... things happen that we can't control." I shrug "and as much as it hurt and as sad as I was... as I still am sometimes." I shake my head again "it wasn't her fault, she gave me her best every day and I know she loved me." I smile at the memories, I miss you so much mom. "it's more than I could have ever asked for."
I look to the sky, I don't know how religious I am but it is nice to believe she's still up there...watching over me. I understand why believing in a heaven is better than nothing. At least when someone dies they're somewhere, they can maybe even still hear you, but imagining a world where my mom just ceases to exist is worse than anything else. Someone like her, she can't just be nowhere, as if she never happened. As if she were something extra the world was relived to get rid of.
"You okay?" Lana asks me. I nod.
"I'm okay, just thinking about her." I keep smoothing Lana's hair back, it's probably more soothing to me than it is to her.
"I think she'd be proud of you." Lana says.
"I like to think she is." I stare at the clouds as they float by. Lana arches her back and tiny pops trail up her spine. She sighs and relaxes against me and we just watch the Sky.
****
Lana yawns and stretches as I close the door behind us. I drop the rolled-up blanket on the side of the chair.
"I'm starving." Lana heads straight into the kitchen and throws the fridge open. "we have... cucumber, some left over tuna salad and... lemon water."
"You wanna go back out and get something to eat?" I stop taking my shoes off.
"Nope..." Lana grabs the remaining contents from our fridge and drops them on the table "I've got this."
Lana slices the cucumbers in even discs and spoons a portion of tuna onto the top of them and holds the plate out to me.
"Ta-da!" She smiles at me. "Snacks and then shopping."
I sit across from her and take a slice. It's taste a lot better than I thought it was going to taste. It's fresh and crisp. She's good at this kind of thing, taking the last bit of food in our fridge and making something look way fancier than it actually is.
"Good?" Lana asks taking a bite of one.
"Mmhhmm." I nod and take another one.
"I'm glad." She finishes off her first one and takes another one. She starts to sing between bites and bobs her head and rocks her shoulders. I just watch her and eat the cucumber and tuna.
"You never go to the store hungry." Lana pops another bite into her mouth.
"Anything you say." I eat another one and they're actually filling me up faster than I thought they would. Lana's holds a smile but her eyes crease the slightest bit, I've said something wrong but I don't know what it could possibly be. Most girls want their boyfriends to agree with them.
"Let's not go to the store just yet." I suggest "lets go take a nap together, before I go to work." I watch her face lose all tension and she smiles a big smile and nods.
"A nap would be perfect." Lana finishes off the last cucumber bite and takes my hand.
Lana curls against my chest, her arms locking me as close to her as I can get. I squeeze her back and kiss her head. She sighs and nuzzles into my chest.
"Where do you see us in ten years?" I ask her, she sighs again but this isn't a content sigh. This sigh is one of her breathing sighs she uses to keep herself from getting worked up.
"like this." She says squeezing me.
"Like this as in still barely making enough to pay the bills and keep the fridge full or..." I leave It open for her to finish.
"Like this." She squeezes me again for emphasis. "Together, I want to be with you forever, Theo."
"What do you think about Alex asking Shaina to marry him?" I ask hoping she'll take the reins and take this conversation where I really want it to be.
"I think it's about time." Lana giggles "they're so cute together."
"What else?" I prod.
"Nothing else." She's smiling with her forehead pressed to me chest. "I can't wait to go to her wedding."
"Don't you mean their wedding?" I chuckle. She pulls her head back and cocks a brow at me.
"No..." she gives her head the tiniest of shakes "I mean her wedding."
"I guess she's already taken over, hasn't she?" I push Lana's hair away from her face.
"I think he relinquished all power the second he took her on their first date." She yawns and rests her head back on my chest.
"Shaina can be hard-"
"Impossible." Lana interjects.
"Impossible," I amend "to disagree with."
"I love her though." Lana squeezes me and rubs her face against my chest. She closes her eyes and her arms relax but they stay locked around me. I smooth her hair back and let thick locks of it trail through my fingers as she relaxes and hums softly to herself.
"What do you think of marriage?" I ask her "for you?"
"I didn't want to get married." She doesn't sound fully awake.
"Why not?" I ask her, unfairly taking advantage of her half-asleep state.
"I never..." she trails off.
"Never what?" I prod.
"Never saw myself with anyone." She nuzzles me again. "I was always alone."
"Alone?" I repeat surprised. Lana alone? I can't fathom it.
She nods against me. She never talks about her family...
"Are you an orphan?" I ask, her face scrunches but she at the point where she's too close to sleep to get upset.
"Just because there's people around you..." she yawns "doesn't mean you're not..." she licks her lips "not alone."
"Do you still feel alone?" I ask her concerned, why doesn't she talk about her family, she never goes out of town to visit them, she never calls them or gets calls from them or letters...
"Where's your family?" I ask her, she grumbles but no answer. It's too late, my window closed.
Lana settles into a deeper sleep. I hold onto her close my eyes, I should get some sleep before work tonight. Where is her family?