Frank had stayed with Gerard the entire night since he wasn't willing to go home and face his mother just yet, or ever really, but he knew he would have to do so eventually. Still - he wasn't quite prepared to deal with what she had done even after school had ended, so Frank sought out Pete's company since Gerard had a teacher's meeting scheduled after work and Frank didn't want to go back to his flat alone since Mikey had hardly been there lately.
Pete was home luckily, and he seemed happy to see Frank, even though his smile fell when he asked Frank how he was doing only to earn a harsh groan from Frank in reply. Frank took the time to greet Pete's mother before he allowed his friend to drag him upstairs so he could interrogate him, but honestly, he wanted to talk about this with someone who would most likely know what the right thing to do would be.
Gerard's advice had been more than helpful of course, and in the end, Frank was aware that the decision rested with him and him alone, but Pete knew his mother almost as well as he did. He and also been close to his father before he had left, so he might be able to give Frank some insight on how to deal with this new disaster that had unfolded along the perilous path that was his life.
"Is it Gerard?" Pete asked as soon as the door was closed behind them. His rapid assumption that Gerard was the reason for his distress had Frank tampering down a sudden welling of anger toward his best friend, but he understood his conclusion, he just didn't like it.
"No, it's not," Frank tried not to snap, "in fact, things are going great with him. This is something else entirely."
"Okay, so spill," Pete suggested, throwing himself down in his office chair while Frank chose to collapse on a nearby bean bag.
"It's my mom, again, but this time was just...god - it's fucked Pete. I still can't believe she would do this to me," Frank exhaled heavily.
"What did she do?" Pete asked warily, solemnity draining all the color out of his tone as he gave Frank his full attention.
"She has been hiding letters from me, my dad's letters. He's been trying to get in contact with me for who knows how long, and she's been making sure I don't see them. She said it was to protect me, and I know she's not mentally well, but I don't think I can forgive her for this."
"Oh god - that's so shit," Pete exclaimed, his eyes widening in a manner that would have almost been comical if Frank wasn't so weighed down by his own internal concerns to laugh at it. "I knew she didn't like him obviously, but to go that far...fuck Frank, I'm so sorry."
"I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it just hurts you know," Frank sighed. "She literally said he was sick, and he could infect me if I reached out to him, which I'm tempted to do just to piss her off. I have his phone number now, and his address, so I could if I wanted to."
"And do you?" Pete queried gently.
"I'm not sure..." Frank hesitated. "I've spent so much time assuming he didn't want me, that he had all but forgotten me, and now I know that's not true, but it's still hard to shift that sense of thinking. I haven't seen him in years, and a part of me wants to, but the other half is worried he'll have changed, or that he won't like the person I've become - hell, I barely do, so why should he?"
"Frank, your dad loves you, he has to if he's still trying to reach out to you even this long after he moved out, so if you want to go see him, I'm sure everything will go fine, but if you don't, then no worries either way."
"That's almost exactly what Gerard told me," Frank responded without thinking of how Pete would take his statement, but besides a slight stiffening of his muscles, Pete didn't react, "and I truly do appreciate both of your support, but right now, I honestly don't fucking know what I want. I am more concerned about what to do with my mother at the moment. Every time I think about going back home, my blood starts boiling, but if I leave her on her own, she'll be fucked, and I can't just sit by and let that happen."
"Well - technically you can, you are an adult now, so if you leave there is nothing she can do about it," Pete pointed out, "but I know you, and you're too good of a person to do that to her, so if you want my opinion, I think you have to go back at some point. That doesn't mean you should forgive her though, in fact, I'd give her the silent treatment until she offers up an apology if anything."
"Which she might never do," Frank replied harshly. "I guess what stings the most is knowing that my mother literally loathes a man she adored just because he's gay, and then I start thinking how she would treat me if she knew I was too. I'll never be able to change her mind on that, but I want to."
"I wish you could too Frank, I really do, you don't deserve to be looked down on by anyone, especially your mother. Just remember that she's not right, and even if you can never prove that to her, you're amazing no matter who you like. You're a wonderful son, and she's lucky to have you in her life. If she was a decent person, she'd accept you as you are without question, but for now, you have me, and Gerard, and even your dad if you want to see him, and we all support you no matter what."
"Thanks, I think I needed to hear that," Frank smiled, that fact that Pete had included Gerard in his list of people without grimacing causing the expression to bloom on his face easily. "I think you're right though, I do have to go home soon, but if she thinks I'm going to act like nothing has happened, she has another thing coming. I'll have to give some more thought to what to do about my dad, maybe I'll just text him or something and see if he answers and then go from there."
"You're welcome Frank," Pete grinned, "and I meant it, I'm always here for you no matter what, and if you don't want to be at home at any time, you can always come here."
"That means a lot to me Pete, it really does," Frank reiterated for the millionth time, but he wanted Pete to know that he truly was grateful for his presence in his life.
He might not be around as much lately because of Gerard, but Pete was his best friend, he always had been, and Frank had been making sure to reassure Pete of that as well, especially since things between them had shifted slightly thanks to recent events.
Frank honestly had no idea if Pete still had a crush on him, or if he ever truly did. He didn't want to bring that topic back up just in case Pete got defensive, but Frank had managed to convince himself it was mostly just Pete wanting to help him combined with the platonic affection that they both felt for each other. He just couldn't imagine Pete being properly in love with him, or maybe it was that he couldn't see himself ever being in love with Pete, but either way, Pete hadn't mentioned it again, so Frank had chosen to leave that delicate subject buried until it was forgotten about entirely.
"So what about you, anything new in your life?" Frank asked to break the silence when it stretched a bit too long to be comfortable.
"Nah," Pete answered with a yawn. "School is boring, Andy is thinking about shaving his head but he hasn't done it yet, and Mom still won't let me get a dog even though I promised to do all the work."
"You're still trying to change her mind on that?" Frank giggled. "You know she's allergic."
"Yes, but I found out that poodles don't carry any dander or whatever the fuck it is that makes people react to them, so I suggested we get one of those so she wouldn't have an issue, and she still said no."
"You seriously want a poodle?" Frank wheezed, the mental picture of Pete walking a fluffy poodle around somehow seeming hilarious to him at the moment.
"Sort of, I mean, I'd rather have a pug or something like that, but I just want a dog in general honestly."
"Well once you graduate you can move out and get one?" Frank suggested.
"Yeah, if I ever get a job. I have no money basically, so any dreams of getting my own place are in the distant future. I'm probably just going to attend the community college anyway for the first few years, so there really isn't any point in moving out right away except the dog part."
"I feel you there, if I even go to college that is. I have no fucking idea what I want to do with my life after school," Frank admitted. This was a much more honest conversation then Frank was used to having with anyone, even Pete, but he was feeling a bit more at ease talking about heavier things lately since it did seem to help him deal with his burdens in some way. "I try and look to the future and it's just blank you know. I mean, realistically, I'll probably take care of my mom until she gets to be too much to handle, but then what?"
"Then you can do whatever you want to do you know?" Pete shrugged. "That is what everyone tells me at least like it's going to be helpful. They expect me to just know what I want to major in and what job I want, but really, I just want to be in a band, and that's stupid."
"God I haven't even thought about a major," Frank groaned, "and I know most people at my school have already applied to like ten different colleges. That won't be a problem for us since admittance rates are high, but still."
"I'm probably just going to do business since you can do so much with it and it looks good on most applications."
"That's smart," Frank nodded, "I still don't know if I should go to college right away, I might take a gap year and try to figure out what to do with my mom and work a lot to stock up some funds. Community college is cheap but it still costs money."
"That might be a good idea, maybe I should look for a job first then figure out what I want to go to school for," Pete mused, "but Frank, if you want to go to college, then do it. Don't let your mom dictate you're life. I think it's amazing that you've made her such a big priority, but don't let her ruin everything for you okay? I get that having to deal with school for four more years might not be your dream, but there are other options if it is something you want to pursue. You can find her a caretaker, or even move her into a home if you have to. Just don't forget you have options."
"I won't, thanks Pete," Frank grinned as he kicked out his feet to affectionately nudge at Pete's ankles.
Frank was still nervous about what was to come for him in the next year, or even the next few days, but Pete was right, he had choices, and everything wasn't preordained. He had hope now, or maybe he always had, but things finally seemed to be looking up.
Gerard was still with him, and hopefully he would be when Frank became more serious about what he wanted to do to continue his schooling, and Pete would always be there as well, maybe even his father if he made an attempt to contact him. His support system was growing as time passed, and with the people he loved around him, Frank was assured that he could face whatever was waiting for him in the future.
~~~
It was late, and Gerard knew he had to get to sleep soon if he wanted to be vaguely functioning at work tomorrow, but his worries were keeping him awake, and this time, they didn't revolve around Frank. His boyfriend had texted him after school, informing him he was going to Pete's for the evening, so Gerard knew he was safe, but it was actually his brother that was causing his distress this evening.
Mikey had popped out to the store hours ago, but he had yet to return. Usually Gerard would brush off his disappearance and think nothing of it. Mikey was always flaky, and he was most likely with Ray or another of his friends, but for some reason, Gerard felt the need to reassure himself that his brother was truly all right before he sought out slumber.
Gerard waited another fifteen minute, giving Mikey the chance to either respond to one of the numerous texts he had sent him or for him to come home, but when neither of those happened, Gerard pulled out his phone, thumbing through his contacts before he found Ray's name.
Ray was the only close friend of Mikey that Gerard actually knew, so he was really the only option he had left. If Ray didn't know where Mikey was, then Gerard was fucked, but he held onto the hope that Mikey would be there and he had simply fallen asleep or something else innocent like that.
"Hey Gerard, what's up?" Ray answered the phone, his voice emitting thinly thought the speakers of the device he had pressed up to his ear.
"Not much, I was just wondering if you had seen Mikey tonight?" Gerard asked straight away, not wanting to waste any more of his or Ray's time at this late hour, or late for him anyway now that he had a normal job.
"Uh yeah, he was here, but that was about two hours ago. He left with Matt and some other people, and I'm not sure where they went."
"Oh..." Gerard sighed, his hopes of finding Mikey holed up at Ray's evaporating into thin air. "Well, thank you anyway. If you do see him again, can you have him text me? I need to get to bed, but I've been worried about him lately."
"I will, and Gerard..." Ray paused, his usually jovial voice hitching uncharacteristically as he continued speaking, "I think you are right to be worried. Mikey hasn't been himself lately, he's pulling away from me, from everyone really. All he cares about is drugs, he's using more than ever, and I think he's going to get himself killed if he doesn't calm down soon."
"Is it really that bad?" Gerard whispered as if someone would overhear him if he spoke at a louder volume. "I mean, I know he shouldn't be doing coke at all, but I thought he had it mostly under control."
"He did, until recently," Ray sighed. "I don't know what changed, but he's stopped being careful, or even vaguely responsible, and I could be wrong, but I think Matt has started some sort of gang or something, and Mikey is in it. He has money all the time now, which I know you didn't give him, so he must be making it by selling or something. He's scaring me, and I care about him a lot, so I thought I should warn you before it's too late."
"God - fuck me," Gerard groaned. "I don't know how to make him stop, I've tried talking to him, hell - when I quit I begged him to do it with me. He knows what happened to me, why I had to kick the stuff, but he never cared then, not really. He thinks he's invincible, and I get it I do. I felt the same before...well...you know, and I don't think I can explain to him that he's walking a really dangerous line."
"Can you at least try?" Ray all but begged. "I've done everything I can think of, and nothing is working. I try to keep him here as much as I can so I can watch him, but he's been going off more and more and he comes back completely shitfaced, if he does come back that is. I don't want anything to happen to him, and I know you don't either."
"I will do my best," Gerard promised, although he doubted that would have a positive result.
Gerard still remembered his affair with drugs, how amazing it had been, how he had truly believed he had been on top of the world until he had fallen and broken on the unforgiving pavement below. He hadn't let anyone talk him out of using until he had been placed in a situation that forced him to access his choices, until the trauma he had gone through had been too much for drugs to appeal to him any longer since they had mostly been the cause of it. Even now Gerard refused to voice what had happened to him aloud, but it had changed him forever, and besides helping him get clean, it had damaged him permanently.
He feared that the same would be the case for Mikey. Nothing negative had occurred because of his using yet, so he had no reason to think that anything would. He was living on the high, the rush, and there was no good reason for him to stop chasing it. Even knowing what had happened to his brother hadn't inspired him to stop, so Gerard was at a loss for what else to do, but he would attempt to intervene at least once more before Mikey was hurt in a similar fashion.
"Thanks, and I'll keep looking out for him. I'm always a phone call away if you want to talk or anything, and I'll let you know if I see him again tonight."
"Thank you, if I don't respond I'm probably asleep, I have work in the morning, but I feel a lot better knowing that you are watching out for him."
"I always will, we might not be a band anymore, but you and Mikey will always be my brothers."
"Yeah, same to you Ray," Gerard choked out, memories of the times they had spent together flooding his mind before he banished them to the dark corner they typically resided in. "Have a good night okay, I'll talk to you soon."
"I will, now get some sleep."
Gerard murmured an affirmative before hanging up and heading into the bedroom so he could plug his phone into the charger, but he knew that was a lie. He wasn't going to get any rest tonight, not with the nostalgic thoughts mixed with his fears for his younger brother chasing themselves around his head, but he had to try.
He no longer could maintain the lifestyle he used to where he stayed up all night fighting with his brain only to sleep the day away before it was time for a show. He was an adult now with a nine to five job, and he wasn't going to fuck this up just like he had everything else.
Still, he tossed and turned all night, even after he managed to doze off. The past haunted his dreams, the uncertainty of both his and Mikey's future nipped at his heels, giving him little rest and more nightmares than he was used to, but he would manage, he had to, and maybe tomorrow would be better.
Once again this took me longer than I would like but better later than never has become my new motto.
I hope you all enjoyed this and I will try and start working on the next chapter as soon as possible.
I love you all so very much xxx
Chapter dedicated to SilentRomantics
You're caught between a dream and a movie scene
- starr