...
Perhaps, is Jin having his second fall?
...
Hyosang did nothing as he promised to Jin.
...
Its about a month till their official debut date. Jin and Taehyung work extra hard than anyone. Of course they have to do that. They have no experience with practicing so they're a step behind the others.
The others got some exposure but not Jin and Taehyung. So here they are. In practice room. Preferring to practice instead of sleeping, instead of resting.
Jin is always a step behind Taehyung. Always. He took it the hardest out of them all. Sometimes people need time to adjust themselves in new situation that their whole life have never experience.
But, why is Jin still have it the hardest? Taehyung seems like he has adapted himself to the new situation.
Maybe Jin is being ridiculous again. He ignore the awful things in his mind. He needs to practice. He needs to improve. He promised Hyosang that he will stay and make it. He will succeed. He promised.
...
13th June 2013
Finally he make it. They make it. They finalized their dreams. Of course there's a regret for each of them. After their first performance, they stepped down from the stage with nothing but regret. Each of them feel the same.
They should have do it better. But, past is past. The past is behind, learn from it and the future is ahead, prepare for it. Thats what the boys believe. They're called BTS now. To be honest, the name sounds weird but they just accept it.
Jin didn't care much of not having much lines in their debut album, he knows the other members fit the whole album the best. He knows and admit his weakness. He knows how the other members work their ass off to fit their concept.
To be honest, this group is far from his expectation. He didn't expect to debut in a hip-hop group. He thought, they will debut in a unique male group concept but nah. He is so sure he didn't fit the group. Hip-hop is not his style either. Far away from his style.
He didn't care much, he already fulfilled his promise towards Hyosang. That's what really matter for him. At least for now. He thought all over again. Is this the right decision? The right thing for him? Is this his passion?
Is this his dream? Oh course it is not his dream. He stepped on Hyosang's dream, making his bestfriend stepped back. Making his bestfriend give up. He wonders how long can he hold this thing up. How long can he let the boys lean on him.
...
Minutes become hours, hours become days, days become months and months become years.
Its already a night on 3rd December 2015
Hyosang never fulfilled his promise. He never debuted. He is just disappeared without any trace. Disappeared from the world.
Disappeared from Jin's eyes. Disappeared without informing Jin. Jin thought again, trying to be as positive as he can. Is this his fault? Is this what he truly wants?
They already move to new dorm. The bigger one. Bigger than before with 3 bedroom. Both him and Yoongi share a room. Namjoon and Taehyung in another room and Jimin, Jungkook and Hoseok in another room.
The reason he share his room with Yoongi? The reason why he and Yoongi agreed to become each other roommates is because they know each other well. They know each other secrets that the other members don't know.
They already know how each other break and fall. Well, not that Yoongi ever seen Jin like that, the elder didn't show him anything. Yoongi never seen Jin fall but he knows a fact. A fact that Jin already fall once, alone.
Far from anyone. That is their reason of becoming each other roommates. But if anyone ask them why did they become each other roommates, they just lie. They said they the other members are too loud and it is not a pleasant thing.
The other members didn't questions much, even if they aren't Jin and Yoongi's roommates, they are brothers after all. They are free to enter the hyungs room.
Jin and Yoongi never lock their door, incase the other members want to come in. Incase the other members need something. Need their help as both Jin and Yoongi are the place the other members lean. Mostly it is Jin but two is better than one.
They like the facts that they're all close enough to not feel awkward at all when they talked about serious things. Each of the members already went through their own slumps, their own fall. Jin sees them all, Jin console them all.
Each of them face their own life so is Jin. He face his own life. He live his own life. Everything is the same thing after all, the clocks ticks and everything goes and comes around.
Both Jin and Yoongi are the light sleepers in the group. Even with a tiny sound of uneven breathing, they notice it. They will wake up with the lightest sound ever exist in this world.
Once, Jungkook came to Jin, late at night. Jungkook clicks the door open and went straight to Jin's bed and hug him. Too tight. Jin is awake when he hears the door open. Yoongi is awake too, but he just close his eyes pretending to sleep as Jin sent him a signal to pretend sleeping.
Jin turn his head, facing the younger. Jin sits up straight, pulling the maknae closer and whispering his magical words 'it's okay'.
The maknae did cry though. Yoongi saw it. He saw how the maknae breakdown infront of him. Seeing Jin console the younger and all the members, Yoongi feels thankful, thankful and grateful that God sent them Jin. Their hyung, Jin.
"This is too hard for me, hyung..." Jungkook says, sobbing silently.
"I know. Just hold onto me, I'll fix it for you" Jin replies, rubbing the maknae's back.
Jin is always the one that fix everything. The one that makes the world calm and peace. It is always Jin that makes them all feel better. But who is the one that makes Jin feel better? Never once, the members thinks about it. The eldest always looks calm.
Calm in every situation. Calm when their managers scold them. Calm when their CEO insult himself.
...
It is a night time on 3rd December 2015, almost 4th December 2015.
Jin's birthday. Jin didn't notice and he doesn't know where the other members went, probably the rapper line is in their studios working on their new songs, their new album.
The maknae line? Probably sleeping by now, too tired since all they did today was practicing. Jin didn't like the idea of Hoseok, Yoongi and Namjoon stay at their studios. He knows they're tired but they keep pushing themselves to work. Jin hate it but he just didn't scold them for today.
He lets them work. Jin didn't know why he did that, he always stopped them from overworking but tonight, today, he didn't even know why he let the members work. He did locked his room too. Probably he just need time alone. Alone again. Alone from everyone. Perhaps, is this his second fall? No. Maybe no.
Jin lays on his own bed, starring at the plain white ceiling. Lights? There's no lights in the room, he switch off all the lights except a small light at the door. He is tired.
He never understand his mind. Out of sudden, the memories of him and Hyosang flash back in his mind. This is it. He is tired. Tired from pretending to be okay when he is not. For three years, he pretends to be okay. For three years he live his life feeling guilty.
Guilty towards his bestfriend. Never once, he forget the memories from his mind.
His phone vibrates, a notification was sent to him. It's Hyosang. His bestfriend, Hyosang.
"Happy Birthday, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I broke my promise. I'll never make it"
The message stated. This is it. Jin had enough of it. All of the emotion burst. This is it. He can't pretend to be okay anymore. He steal Hyosang's place. Jin sits on the cold floor of the room. Tears in his eyes. He can't take it anymore.
Enough with feeling guilty for 3 years. Jin never smile with sincerity for three years. He never did that, all he did was, plastering a fake smile, making it as if it was his real smile until no one notice that he fakes it.
He just wait for the right time to smile. Smile widely with sincerity. He just wait for the time his bestfriend fulfil his promise, that is the time he would let the world sees his sincere smile. But it never come.
Hyosang never debuted. This is it. He had enough of it. Enough of everything. Definitely it is his second fall. Sitting on the cold floor, hugging his legs close to his chest. Sobbing softly. Someone, please notice him. Please.
Hoseok and Namjoon did come home early than Yoongi, but they went straight to their own rooms. To rest. Yoongi stays at the studio for an hour more, finishing his work.
An hour later, Yoongi came home. He notice the door of his room is locked. Something is wrong. Something is truly wrong. Jin never locked the room but it happened today, on his birthday. Did something happened?
"Hyung, it's me Yoongi, are you sleeping?" Yoongi asks softly through the other side of the door.
Jin didn't notice. Didn't realized that the younger is already home. Yoongi did have the key of the room, he just wait for the eldest to open it for him. Yoongi didn't want to disturb the man. The feeling of worry overwhelming in his heart.
He is worried, the eldest is the light sleeper but why Jin didn't notice him? Yoongi cannot hide his worry. Something is wrong in there. He knocks the door softly, hoping that Jin will hear him and open the door but the man never did that.
Yoongi decides to enter the room with his key. He is too worried. Waiting for the eldest to open the door can slowly kills him. Something is wrong in there. No doubt.
He opens the door, and stepped into the room then shut the door close and locks it. With the dim light, he notice Jin. It is his first time seeing the eldest looking so weak. Too fragile. He puts his belonging at the door and walks closer, sitting beside the eldest. Yoongi said nothing. Just sitting there, accompany his hyung.
Now he knows why the eldest never shows this side of him to Yoongi. To everyone. The eldest looks so small, so weak, so fragile until no one can recognize if it, the Jin they know.
Truly different from the Jin they know. Yoongi wonders, it this the right thing to do? Just be quiet and accompany the eldest. Maybe this is not the nicest decision but he never experience watching the eldest breakdown. Its his first time seeing the eldest looking so weak.