~ Jordyn's point of view ~
I'm laying in this hospital bed, hating myself that I didn't make it.
I wanted to end my life but it didn't work. Mom ruined it. She found me just in time and brought me to the hospital. Why did she have to find me?
I am not willing to keep living this painful life. I have no desire to keep this life going without him by my side. When I heard the news, I crashed. I felt my insides shrinking to nothing.
Keisha is pregnant . . and Michael is the father.
Why?
Why does it all have to get worse and worse?
This is so fucked up.
Three months ago Michael randomly decided to wake up and never talk to me again. He may have had a reason to be mad at me at that time but he never bothered to really talk to me why we never got any closer anymore. No words. . we just continued to be friends and that was that.
Even though it hurt me, I was ok with it. I mean, at least I had him as a friend, right? . . WRONG. I couldn't deal with it . . . I got stronger a little, but it still wasn't enough to live with the guilt of hurting Michael to the point where he decided to keep a distance.
He just pretty much left me alone . . he left and friend-zoned me . . like, like our kisses and hugs and intimate moments together never meant shit to him.
What hurts the most is how he made it look so easy.
Why?
I thought I meant something to him?
I was ready to build up the courage . . I was ready to ask him out and start things up with him again . . but all that crashed down and turned into dust when I found out that Michael got Keisha pregnant.
When I first heard it I looked at my scar instantly and knew right then and there that I had to hurt myself again. I felt the sudden urge to put a knife to my skin . . but it wasn't a knife this time . . I chose to use a razor blade . . they're much sharper.
My heart is burning from all the sadness I'm feeling. The mere thought of Keisha being pregnant with Michael's babe rips me apart and crushes my soul. I loved him more than she ever did. She doesn't deserve to be pregnant with his baby . . she doesn't DESERVE IT!
She cheated on him when they were together!
She doesn't even deserve to have him as a friend!
I regret not having sex with Michael when we were laying in bed together that one day . . I should've let him take things a step further . . I should've slept with him! . . maybe then I would be the one pregnant . . and not her.
I deserve Michael's love so much more than she does. I love him from the heart . . and she doesn't. I love him more than anyone else on this planet. I look at the thick band-aid they put around my wrist. I lost so much blood . . I was dizzy and about to pass out.
I didn't mind the pain I was feeling when I cut myself . . the pain I'm feeling now, thinking about Michael and Keisha, hurts so much more.
Mom left an hour ago . . she will come back tomorrow morning to pick me up. That's if they let me go home. The doctor said I cut myself really deep . . I will probably have to stay for a little longer.
Why couldn't I just have died?
My eyes fill up with tears and I start crying. It's hard to breathe when you're feeling all chocked up. I decide to close my eyes and rest for a little bit, it's not like I have anyone to talk to. Maybe God will take me with him after all . . that I hope.
A few minutes later I hear the door open . . that must be the doctor. I look to my right and realize that it's not the doctor . . nor any of the nurses . . it's Michael.
"Jordyn!!! . . what did you? . . please tell me you're alright!"
I can't help but start crying. He came! . . Michael actually came to visit me . . I never expected him to come . . he grabs a chair and sits down next to me. "Jordyn, why are you doing this stuff? why did you hurt yourself again?"
. . . . .
"Be-because of you . . ."
"Jordyn . . don't do this! . . why did you do this?! you're absolutely crazy!"
"I'm sorry, Michael . . but I just . . I just had to do it"
"WHY?? . . I told you, I don't like it when you hurt yourself! . . life is precious, ok? . . don't put your life on the line . . for no one!"
. . . . .
"M-Michael . . . is Keisha really pregnant with your baby?"
"Jordyn, there are other things you should worry about right now"
"No! . . Keisha having your baby is all I can think about . . I loved you, Michael . . I still love you . . I wanted to be with you"
"Jordyn . . I really, really care about you, but-"
"You don't care about me, Michael . . you DON'T!"
"Of course I do! . . I always cared about you! . . would I be here if I didn't care about you!? . . I have so much going on in my life right now . . and I put all that aside for a moment to meet you here and to focus on you . . I know we haven't talked or spent much time with each other lately . . but that never meant that I didn't care about you anymore!"
He gently grabs my face and kisses me on my forehead "Don't ever do this again, Jordyn . . you hear me? . . I'm not worth it . . believe me . . I'm not"
"Why would you say that, Michael? . . you're the first guy I ever loved . . and you were the first person to ever stick up for me"
"Jordyn, believe me . . I'm not worth all that pain you're putting yourself in . . I'm not . . you have no idea what kind of a mess my life is right now . . it's always been messy . . but I have never been in so much trouble before . . you wouldn't want to be my girlfriend right now . . believe me"
. . . . .
"I always wanted to be your girlfriend, Michael"
"Jordyn . . even if we got together I couldn't give you the love you deserve right now . . please understand that, ok? . . I'm not just saying this, I really mean it . . I am in a buttload of shit right now with the baby and lots of other stuff . . you shouldn't be in love with me . . I really mean that . . there is nothing to love about me right now . . and I mean that in all honesty!"
"You can name me a million reasons not to love you, Michael . . and I'll name you a billion why I should"
. . . . .
"Jordyn, why are you doing this to me?"
"I love you . . and I want to be with you . . it's as simple and as complicated as that"
"Jordyn . . I can't even begin to explain in how much shit I'm in right now! don't you understand? I feel like a broken record, repeating myself over and over again . . I wouldn't even have the time, let alone the strength and compassion to be with someone right now . . my mind is everywhere . . and you deserve someone who truly loves you and shows you that every day"
. . . . .
"So, what you're saying is that you're never going to give us a chance, Michael?"
"I'm not saying that we don't have a chance . . but right now is just not the right time . . I'm going to be a father . . and I'm only 16 years old . . my mother doesn't even know yet but the whole school knows . . which means that my mother will find out sooner or later . . Jordyn, please understand that I can't think about dating right now . . ok?"
"I'm sorry, Michael . . I'm sorry for being so selfish"
"You're not selfish . ."
"Please answer me this question, Michael . . if . . if I hadn't done what I did with your phone three months ago . . we could be still dating . . right?"
"Maybe . . probably . . I don't know . ."
. . . . .
"Michael . . what does Keisha have that I don't?" I ask, starting to cry. Michael wipes the tear from my cheek. "Jordyn, this is not about what she has and you don't! . . I got her pregnant and I'm not even in a relationship with her! . . it happened . . it was an accident"
"How can you sleep with someone you're not in love with, Michael?"
"I don't know . . lust, maybe . . I know that's horrible, but . . guys think differently . . love doesn't always have to be involved when sleeping with someone . . you know?"
"That's horrible . . ."
"I know . . I know it is . . and now I'm paying the price for it . . I'm going to be a father . . whether I'm ready for it or not . . it's gonna happen . . and I'm scared"
"Thank you for being here, Michael . . . thank you . . and I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now . . I wish there was something I could do"
"I don't think there's anything anyone can do right now . . I just have to man up and prepare myself for the future . . I have to be an adult way sooner than god intended it . . but . . I'm hoping for the best . . please know that I'm always going to be here for you, Jordyn . . never forget that, ok?"
. . . . .
"I won't"
______________________
ONE WEEK LATER
______________________
~ Michael's point of view ~
Mom came home from her little vacation this morning . . I picked her up from the airport. She's been busy all day doing laundry . . I haven't had the time yet to break the news to her. I have no idea how she's gonna react but I know she's won't be happy about it.
We're now sitting at the dinner table eating spaghetti and meatballs. I'm so nervous, I can't even eat. "Michael, you haven't touched one meatball . . is everything ok? . . are you sick?"
"Umm . . I kinda do feel sick . . umm . . mom . . there's something I gotta tell ya"
"What is it, baby?"
"It's funny that you call me that, actually . ."
"I always call you 'baby' . . what's going on?"
"Umm . . when you were gone . . something happened . . well . . it happened a few months ago but I found out when you were gone . . and umm . . I don't know how to break it to you . . mom, I can't eat . . I'm about to throw up"
"Michael, what's going on? . . are you sick??"
"Yes . . I mean, no! . . gosh . . this is really hard, mom" She puts her fork down angrily. "Spit it out, you're making me nervous, Michael!"
"You're making me nervous too, mom! . . stop looking at me like that!"
"Tell me, babyface!! . . something happened when I was gone and I wanna know WHAT!!"
"Ok, mom . . listen . . it's umm . . it's actually not all bad, and you know why?"
". . . Why?"
"Umm . . because . . umm . . because you're getting something out of this . . we're all getting something out of this!"
"Oh really? . . what am I going to get out of it, Michael? . ."
. . . . .
"Umm . . well . . what you're getting is . . here it comes . . umm . . you're going to be a grandma! SURPRISE!"
" . . . Michael, what are you saying?"
. . . . .
"IgotKeishapregnant,wedidn'tplanforit,itwasanaccident,goodbyenow,Iloveyou!" I say as fast as I possibly can, storming out of the dining room!"
"GET THE HELL BACK IN HERE, MICHAEL!" Mom yells. I stop in front of the doorstep, pinching my eyes together. I'm dead. I slowly walk back into the dining room. Mom's face is slowly starting to turn red. "SIT DOWN!"
I sit back down at the table, avoiding eye contact with her.
"Ok, now . . . tell me again . . . you did what??!"
. . . . .
"I got Keisha pregnant"
. . . . .
Mom's so angry, she's smiling right now.
"It was an accident! . . we didn't plan for any of this to happen, mom!"
"Do you have any idea what you're in for, Michael?!"
"Yes, mom . . ."
"No! . . I think you don't! . . do you have any idea what it means to be a parent? . . you're 16 years old! how can you have a baby at this age? . . you're still a baby yourself!!!"
"Mom, I know . . I know it's crazy but I can do this . ."
"Michael . . I am at a loss for words right now . . do Keisha's parents know??"
"Umm . . no . . not yet"
"Oh lord in heaven . . Michael you're going to drive me into an early death with this! . . how could you be so irresponsible?? . . didn't you guys use protection?!"
"Umm . . we must've forgotten about that in the heat of the moment . . mom, I'm so sorry . . you don't know how sorry I am!"
"Oh god . . I'm getting a migraine . . I need to lay down!" Mom gets up and walks over to the couch. "I need a breather, Michael . . go upstairs . . go upstairs, and . . please don't make a sound . . my head is about to explode . . I really don't want to keep talking to you right now"
. . . . .
"Ok . . . but I love you, mom . . ."
"Go upstairs!!"
______________________
FOUR YEARS LATER
______________________
~ Jordyn's point of view ~
I'm late for work. I'm so late for work. This can't be happening. It's my second day at my new job and I'm running late! . . wonderful!
I hop into my car and get going. Traffic is brutal . . absolutely ridiculous! . . I don't wanna lose that job! it's so close to where I live and I really like the people there . . and that almost never happens.
30 Minutes later I finally arrive in front of the building and rush inside.
"Wow, Jordyn! . . that dress looks hot on you!"
"Thank you, Tiana . . . I got it at Ralph Lauren"
"Damn, Jordyn . . if I only had your body . . you're so skinny!"
"You're so sweet, thank you, Girl!"
I brush my long hair back and take a quick look at myself in the little mirror on my desk. Of course I look good . . and I feel good, too. "Here you go!" Tania says, putting a cup of coffee in front of me on my desk. "Why, thank you! that's so kind of you!"
I take a sip and accidentally spill a little bit on my arm. OH FUCK! . . the hot coffee just burned my arm . . right where my scar is . . I clean it all up in the bathroom and clean myself up.
I stop for a minute and look at my scar before going back to my desk.
I remember when I cut myself about four years ago . . wow . . it's been four years . . I wonder what Michael is up to these days . . I haven't heard from him in an very long time. I heard he moved out of his mom's house a year ago . . about the same time I moved into my own apartment. I wonder how things are going with him and Keisha . . he got her pregnant four years ago . . I remember like it was yesterday.
Even after all this time I still remember how I felt. I still remember his bright smile . . his gorgeous face . . his pearly white teeth . . and the immense pain I felt. I was 15 back then . . now I'm almost 20 years old . . I should call him up sometime . . ask him how he's doing.
I'm not saying I'm still in love with him . . but . . I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I was obsessed with him . . absolutely obsessed and head over heels in love.
Crazy what I did for love . . looking at my scar now I do not feel ashamed about it . . it's more like a good thing when I look at it . . it reminds me of a not so simple time in my life . . I went through hell in school . . it was a nightmare . . and now I've grown . . I've grown so much since then . . I can't believe that I even put myself in such a vulnerable position when I was younger.
I heard they had a girl . . Keisha and him . . a happy, beautiful little girl . . I have never seen her in person . . but I've seen pictures of her on Michael's Facebook and on his Instagram. She's so adorable.
Michael and I hung out a few times after he visited me in the hospital that one night . . but we stopped seeing each other around the time when Keisha gave birth . . Michael was too busy taking care of her and the baby . . we pretty much lost touch with each other after that.
I think I will call him tonight after work.
I can't deny the fact that each time my mind wanders, it always finds some way back to him.
To be continued . . .