I tapped my fingers on the table as I sat in the conference room, staring out the window.
"Brandy?" Dr.Perkins asked me.
"Sorry," I said, turning my gaze back to him, "So can you sign the paper now?"
"Brandy," He sighed, "This is the fourth time we've met."
"Fourth and final, right?" I asked, giving him a hopeful smile.
"I can't clear you," He shook his head.
"Why?" I frowned, "I told you I'm fine."
"That's all you've told me. I'm not convinced. You won't even talk to me about what happened," He looked at me,"I understand you were in the O.R. with Dr.Yang, when she was operating on Dr.Shepherd. Are you sure you're ready to go back into the O.R.?" He asked me.
"Yeah," I nodded, "Derek's fine now too. He's great actually."
"That must've been pretty traumatic. Watching that all happen. Dr.Yang, a resident, operating on him, while a gun was held to her head. You must've thought Dr.Shepherd died for a few moments right?" He asked.
"My dad and brother are coming to visit me today," I was quick to change the subject, "I haven't seen my dad in-" I shook my head, "Since I moved to Seattle. Almost four years. Isn't that crazy?"
"You didn't answer my question," He pursed his lips.
"You didn't answer mine either," I shrugged my shoulders.
"Brandy, you avoid saying anything about the shooting. That concerns me," He said writing something down.
"You just wrote something down about me," I frowned.
"I'm observing, taking notes. I have been this whole time, all of our visits I have," He said.
"I avoid talking about it because I don't want to talk about it. I just want to forget it happened, I guess," I looked down in my lap.
"Maybe just forgetting it isn't the best option. I'm here for you to talk about it, to help you get through it," He told me.
"I don't need to talk about it and I don't need help. I've gotten through it. I've moved on," I told him.
"Do you think you can just move on from something like this? Just like that? This could easily the worst day of your life," He told me.
"You're right. It could easily be the worst day of my life. It's not. It wasn't. It was a shitty day, not the worst day of my life but I've moved on. So can you clear me now?" I sighed.
"What was the worst day of your life?" He furrowed his eyebrows.
"I don't know," I shook my head, "Maybe when my grandpa died. Or when my two best friends died. I don't know. It wasn't the day of the shooting though."
"I'm sorry, but that's all the time we have for today. I'll see you tomorrow," He said, closing his book.
"Please sign the damn paper. I don't want to talk about it because it was horrible. I'm ready to go back into that O.R. Please just let me go back," I frowned.
"Brandy, I have other patients. We'll talk tomorrow," He said.
I groaned before I stormed out of the room.
"Hey," Cristina said as she looked up from her magazine and saw me.
"Hey," I growled.
"What crawled up your ass?" She asked.
"Ugh. That stupid shrink won't clear me for surgery because I won't talk about what happened. I've told him I don't want to and that I'm okay, but he's a-he's a cunt. He's a cunt and won't do it," I crossed my arms.
"Sucks," Cristina shook her head, looking back down at the magazine.
"Yeah, it really does," I rolled my eyes.
"Well, the next time, I'll leave you there," Meredith said, walking out of the eleventh with Derek at her heels.
"You said that already," He shook his head at her remark.
Cristina and I stopped to give them a confused look.
"Oh, Derek got arrested again," Meredith said, noting the confusion in our eyes.
"Meredith," Derek frowned.
"Reckless endangerment," She informed us.
"Please," He sighed.
"Did he lose his license yet?" Cristina asked.
"Oh, no, because they don't charge him, because the cops worship him," Meredith crossed her arms.
"Because I saved some of their lives," Derek chimed in.
"Hey, can I be on your service next time you got a cop? I wanna get on their good sides," I asked Derek.
"What are we picking?" Meredith asked as she looked over at Cristina's magazine.
"Dress color. I'm not wearing white. Mm. It's sexist and vaguely racist. Oh. No white, no veil, no rice," She shook her head, her eyes not leaving the page.
"Well, what will your mother say?" Meredith asked.
"No mother," Cristina said.
Meredith turned to Derek and sighed, "You know, I didn't get cleared for surgery, and I'm pretty sure it's your fault."
"Meredith, I am the chief. I can overrule the counselor," Derek said.
"You can?" Meredith chuckled, before turning back to Cristina, "Yes. I love the blue.
"Could you clear me too please? I kinda saved your life back there. I mean Cristina did too, maybe the harder part but I did too, you know," I shrugged.
"And for that I am forever grateful. I'll clear you both," Derek laughed.
"Yes! Thank you," I smiled, "I should save your life more often."
"Ha," Derek gave me a fake laugh before shaking his head.
"Goodbye Dr.McCunty!" I exclaimed.
"Doctor what now?" Meredith looked to me.
"Chief shepherd, you're back," April smiled.
"Good morning," He greeted her, as she joined us as we continued walked down the hall.
"I found a giant skull base chordoma. Biggest one I've ever seen," April told him.
"Really?" Derek asked her.
"He came in to the E.R. with trouble breathing," April continued to inform him.
"You got cleared for surgery?" I frowned.
"I did," April nodded.
"Bitch," Meredith said.
"I like the brown, too," Cristina said, flipping the page on her magazine.
"I know it looks inoperable. I mean, I would've said it was inoperable, but you're back and you're you," April continued to talk to Derek about the tumor.
I shook my head before walking over to Mark.
"What's up with you?" He asked.
"He still won't clear me because I won't talk about what happened," I mocked him.
"Maybe you're not ready for surgery," He shrugged.
"Oh, not you too," I frowned.
"Hey, uh, yes, good morning. Thank you. Thank you very much," Derek greeted the group that had gathered to hear his speech.
The crowd applauded and cheered for Derek.
"Good. Thank you. Thank you very much. It's, uh, it's great to be back. First of all, I'd like to thank Dr. Webber for stepping up in my absence. Thank you," Derek nodded.
Everyone cheered at the mention of Dr.Webber.
"Uh, I'm grateful for all of you, for all of your support during my recovery. Thank you. Uh, it's just, uh, so great to be back as chief. I'm grateful for the, uh," Derek paused, "I'm sorry. That's a lie. That's what people say, and, uh, the truth is, uh, I hate being chief. I hate it."
"Did you tell him to do this?" I looked at Mark.
"No," He shook his head, his widened eyes not leaving Derek.
"Chief Webber. Chief Webber is our chief. Um. And I'm sorry, but this giant, uh. Sorry, I gotta go look at this chordoma. I, um, I'm sorry, but," Derek laughed, "I quit. Let's go, Kepner. Come on."
"Oh, sorry. Okay," April said, not sure of what just happened.
"He just quit," Bailey laughed at him.
"He was supposed to clear me for surgery," I frowned.
••
"Does, uh, anyone have anything to say? I know that, uh, a lot of you are only here because this has been mandated. So let's talk. Anything at all?" Dr.Perkins asked us.
"I ate a really good taco from one of those trucks by the side of the road," Cristina shrugged.
"When?" Meredith asked.
"Last night. You were asleep," Cristina told her.
"You didn't bring us any? Man, I could go for a taco right now. Want to go when this is done?" I asked.
"Which truck? The one on 7th?" Avery asked.
"I want to. I like tacos," Alex said.
"Me, too," April nodded.
"I read a book," Lexie spoke up, "About the history of mass murders in the US. That's-that's the actual name of what happened to us. It was a mass murder. You can't call it a terrorist attack, because the murders weren't political in nature. And we weren't the victims of a serial killer, because Mr. Clark would've had to murder several people over a period longer than 30 days in order to qualify him as a serial killer. We could call it a spree killing."
Gun shots echoed in my head, as I recalled what had happened.
"Which is defined as killings at two or more locations with no break or pause in between, because Mr. Clark shot that guy in his car before he got here. But I'm not sure that-that counts as a true second location since it was so close to the hospital, which means that we were a mass murder, because it happened at one place, by one person, and more than four people were killed."
••
"I dig weddings. I do a mean chicken dance," Jackson said, taking a bite from his sandwich.
"Oh, there will be no chicken dance. And if you start a conga line, I will physically throw you out," Cristina shook her head.
"I just went to cafeteria, and some nurse called me Reed and then said, 'I thought you died.'"
"Yeah, don't go to the cafeteria for lunch. They just point and stare," Lexie told April.
"Is that why you dyed your hair?" Avery asked.
"They stare because we should've died," Cristina
"Pack a lunch. Keep it in your locker," Lexie said.
"Un-fucking-believable!" I shouted as Alex walked into the abandoned hallway, holding up a yellow slip of paper.
"You are kidding me. You got cleared?" Meredith frowned as Alex laughed.
"It's down to you, Dixon, and Yang," He said, continuing to laugh.
"That is not funny," Meredith shook her head.
"Well, Perkins is no dummy. He can see the crazy right under the Meredith Grey surface," Cristina said.
"Again, Cristina, it's not funny because you're not gonna get cleared either, and the two of us are gonna be serving slushies at the multiplex. Brandy you too."
"Really? I'd choose dermatology over multiplex," Cristina said.
"No, I'd go gynecology over dermatology," Avery shook his head.
"Oh, of course you would. Perv," Cristina rolled her eyes.
"I think I'd marry that one, single anesthesiologist," I shrugged.
"Uck," Cristina cringed.
"Anyway, I don't know what Perkins' problem is with me. I get that he won't clear you, Brandy. But why me?" Meredith sighed.
"Hey!" I frowned.
"Maybe he saw your file," Cristina said.
"Maybe he knew your mother," Alex added.
"Maybe he heard how you told the shooter to shoot you," Avery said.
"Not funny," Meredith said.
"Oh, it's funny," I shook my head.
"Not a joke," Jackson said.
"Dr. Bailey," April looked over to the doorway, "Welcome back."
"You okay?" Alex asked.
"I'm happy to see you all. Karev, there's a patient in 23-04 that needs an endoscopy. Grey, Dixon, Yang, surely your paycheck covers more than stuffing your face in the basement. Get to the clinic now," Bailey ordered us.
"Got it," I gave her a nod, before walking with Meredith and Cristina down to the clinic.
"I need to get cleared,"Cristina shook her head.
"God, what if we never get cleared? I really don't want to marry that anesthesiologist. He's nice but he smells weird and talks a lot," I shook my head.
"Why not marry Mark?" Meredith asked, "You and Cristina could have a double wedding."
I scoffed, "Yeah, totally. Even if I did there's no way Cristina would have a double wedding."
"She's got a point," Cristina agreed.
"Told ya," I shook my head.
••
"So-oh!" I stopped in Dr.Perkins' doorway when I saw his lips on Altman's,"God why do I always do this?Is this what I need to do to get cleared?"
"Dr.Dixon, you're early," Dr.Perkins said, "I'll, uh, I'll call you later."
"Yes, please," Altman said, leaving as quickly as she could.
MEREDITH: That was creepy and inappropriate. I want a new counselor.
"Teddy was never a-a patient of mine. She was cleared for surgery before I got here. We just met in the cafeteria," Dr.Perkins told me.
"I'm not interested in your love life. I don't care how love blooms over crappy day-old hot dogs," I shook my head, "My friend's husband is about to remove the largest chordoma on record. You cleared Lexie Grey last week. You cleared Alex Karev, who insists on running around the hospital with a bullet in his chest!"
"I know who I've cleared," He said, taking a seat.
"So then why don't you tell me what you want me to say, and I'll say it," I told him.
"Dr. Dixon, I don't think that you're being honest, with me or yourself. And I think that's a potentially dangerous situation. So what is it that you're not saying?"
••
"Excuse me, Dr.Sloan?" A nurse approached me.
"Dixon," I corrected her.
"I'm sorry. Dr.Dixon, our visiting hours are over, I'm sorry to have to kick you out-"
"It's okay. Thank you," I smiled.
She gave me a smile back before walking off.
"Mark," I sat down next to him.
"I can't leave him," His eyes focused on his friend, a he laid in the bed.
"Meredith will be with him. He won't be alone," I placed my hand on him, "We need to go."
"Brandy," Cristina stood in the doorway.
I looked over at Mark, his eyes looked tired and heavy, as he sat at his friend's bedside. He didn't move or turn his gaze off Derek as my hand slipped off his and I walked over to Cristina.
"How is she?" I asked.
"She's fine. She doesn't want Derek to know. Or anyone," Cristina told me, referring to Meredith's miscarriage.
"Right," I nodded, "How are you?"
"I'm fine too," She nodded.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes, I said I was fine," Cristina told me again.
"Okay, well we're gonna head out," I said.
Cristina nodded, and started to walk down the hall back to Meredith.
"Cristina," I followed her down the hall.
"Yeah?" She stopped.
"I'm-I'm glad you're okay," I said.
"Yeah, I'm glad you're okay too. Thanks for helping Owen," She gave a small smile.
I nodded before I hugged her, "I'll see you later. Take care of Meredith."
"I will," She nodded, before walking down the hall.
I gave her a small nod before I made my way back to Derek's room, "Are you ready?"
"Yeah," Mark said softly, and stood up.
"How are you?" I asked.
"I'm fine," He told me.
"You don't seem fine," I frowned, as we walked out of the hospital.
"What about you?" He asked me.
"The hospital got shot up today," I shrugged and shook my head, "You're not fine and I'm not either, but we both know we're gonna keep telling each other that."
"I really am fine," Mark continued to tell me.
"How?" I stopped walking and frowned at him, getting frustrated,"Your best fucking friend is in the ICU. The hospital got fucking shot up. A man brought a gun into the hospital and shot and killed eleven people. People we know. People we knew. Alex almost died in your hands. You won't even look at me. You're not fine."
He sighed and looked at me, "Let's just go. I don't feel like talking about this."
"Is this about what I said?" I asked.
"What's that?" He asked, as he started to walk away.
"I love you. That's what I said," I frowned.
He stopped walking, but kept his back facing me, "I-No," He turned to look at me, and rubbed the back of his neck, "I-I don't know."
"It is," I shook my head, "The hospital was shot up, and this is what's bothering you?"
"Stop saying it! I know what happened today. I don't want to think about it," He shook his head.
"So you chose to think about this instead?" I asked, "You said it back, you know?"
"I said it back because I do. I do love you," He said.
"I don't see what the problem is?" I furrowed my brows.
"Did you mean it? Did you mean what you said? Or did you just say it because you thought we were gonna die?" He asked.
"Seriously?" I scoffed, "I meant it. I really did. I was scared we were going to die, but I fucking meant what I said. Mark, I love you. It might have been rushed but I really do. It just took almost losing you for me to know."
••
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"the world may bring darkness, but we are the bearers of light. we'll join our lights together, and shine on the blackest of nights."
- john mark green
My heart breaks upon hearing about what happened last night in Las Vegas. I want to take a moment to send my thoughts to all those affected by the events that unfolded last night. I'm saddened by the fact that we live in a world where things like this don't come as a shock anymore. We're numb. This is a day to day thing. It's normal. This is a part of our lives. I'm sorry that some people have to fear for their lives doing some of the most simple and innocent things. So I end with this, please stay safe out there in this cruel, awful world, and don't take any second of life for granted.
10.02.17
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