Blood was spilling everywhere, between his shaking fingers, down the side of his face and dripping onto the floor. His knees buckled under his weight and he dropped onto the floor, I dropped down on my knees in front of him.
My stomach churned and I could feel bile rising up my throat, Nikolai's eyes were wide, rapidly filling with tears. Blood fled from his face out of his wound and he was turning a ghostly white colour "n-no—" I stuttered out, reaching towards him.
Whimpers left his throat, his lips parting and closing as he stuttered to get a word out "h-h-hu—" he hiccupped "hurts" he whispered.
A broken sob left my throat and I reached out to grasp his wrists "l-look at me Nicky, you're going to be okay, I'm going to make sure of it" I whispered.
The corners of his lips twitched as though he was trying to smile, the shock no doubt kept the pain at bay. His body began to sway, blood loss taking it's toll, and as he began to fall forward, my arms darted out to take his weight, gently lowering him onto the ground.
"I-it's so cold" he mumbled, his lips began to turn blue and his skin was a ghostly white, his hands fell from his wound and blood began to pour out at a slower rate, he didn't have much time left.
"No! No, you need to put pressure on it" I placed my hands over his injury "you have to" I breathed out shakily. My vision blurred with tears that I desperately tried to keep control of, I had to take care of him, grieving could come later.
Nikolai's heavy eyelids were beginning to droop and his breathing was growing shallow "don't close your eyes, please don't close your eyes" I begged, and despite how hard I tried to stop it, tears began to hurriedly rush down my cheeks. My lower lip trembled and I bit back desperate sobs.
"Please don't leave me, Nikolai, I can't—please" I choked out, my chest constricted painfully and my throat burned with sobs that I desperately pushed back.
"I can't do this on my own, Nicky please" the sob left my lips as I leaned over, head pressed to his chest to desperately hear the fading thumping of his heart.
His breathing was growing softer and his eyelids fell closed, tears slipping out of the corners of his eyes, sliding down his face towards his hairline.
The time between the beats of his heart were growing stronger, and I squeezed my eyes close, silently the praying the next one will keep coming until suddenly – it doesn't.
My eyes slowly fluttered open, stunned tears leaking out of my tear ducts and down my damp cheeks. I slowly lifted my head up to look down at him, he was unmoving, blood no longer leaking out of his wounds.
His eyes were closed and his lips were parted, he was pale, blue, cold – dead.
"Nikolai?" I whispered, my voice breaking pitifully mid-sentence. I placed my hand on his shoulder and shook him gently "Nikolai wake up" I whispered slightly louder. My shakes grew harder and I rocked his body back and forth.
"This isn't funny! Wake up!" I pleaded, a gentle hand landed on my shoulder, quickly I slapped it away and scooped the male up in my arms, pulling him up to cradle his head to my chest. Rocking back and forth I let out a pained sob.
"No, no" my words were drawn out, my body jolted with every loud sob until I tipped my head back and let out an ear piercing scream. Tears ran down my face like rapid fire and I could barely fit time to breath in between my loud sobs.
My head was clouded, my chest ached painfully. I clutched my brother's body tighter to my chest, blood staining my clothes, soaking my hands, arms and face in his lost blood. When his body began to twitch in my embrace, my arm was grabbed and I was roughly tugged back.
His body toppled from my arms onto the floor below, I let out a scream as I pulled away from him. Thrashing, I kicked my legs and desperately reached for my brother's body "no! No! I wanna die! Please! Please—" I sobbed, my eyes squeezed closed and the gun was slowly pulled out of my hand.
"NO!" I screeched, snatching the gun out of Lori's hand "l-let me do it" I breathed out shakily. Though hesitant, the hands removed themselves from my body. I rose to my feet, my knees weak and buckling under my weight.
Holding the gun out in front of me, I stared down the barrel of the gun through my tear blurred eyes, and as my brother's eyelids slowly fluttered open, my own fell to a close.
"I'm sorry" and with the tears that slipped down my cheeks, I squeezed the trigger.
My ears rang from the loud bang and all sounds of movement ceased. Turning around quickly, once I knew he wouldn't be in my line of sight, my eyes slowly opened.
The gun slipped out of my fingers, landing on the floor below me, and not a few seconds after – I fell with it. Landing on my knees I tilted forward, burying my hands in my hair, I gripped the strands roughly, squeezed my eyes closed and stretched my mouth open.
The loud scream that left my lips left my throat feeling raw and painful. But the pain that ran through my throat felt nothing compared to the burning pain in my chest.
~*~*~*~*~
The gun returned to its place in my holster, strapped to my hip. I sat in the back of Lori's car, Carl in the seat beside me and Lori on her own in the driver's seat. The ride was silent, I could feel Lori's gaze as she glanced at me through the rear view mirror every now and then.
Carl bit his lip as he glanced over at me, it was obvious that he had something he wanted to say. But words would do nothing for me for now. And so they both stayed silent, leaving me in peace.
My eyes came to a close and a silent tears slipped down my cheek, nothing they could say would erase the thoughts of my family that clouded my brain.
I was hopeless.