Chapter Seventeen: Pebblebrook
22 October, 1982
Sirius was scared.
He hadn't decide to rejoin the war, nor try to come to terms with the deaths of the people he loved most. He had simply decided to visit Marlene, and if possible, some of the other members of the Order. And at the moment he felt like there was boiling water ebbing through his veins, burning his insides. Would she talk to him? Would she throw him out of the house? Would she call him a coward?
She didn't seem to be angry when she had seen him that day, but that could be put to the shock she had experienced of seeing him after so long. Now that the initial shock was over, she could find the place for the anger or betrayal - whichever she felt towards him.
A sudden memory hit Sirius. It was during their fourth year. He and James were in the Great Hall for dinner when Marlene had stalked inside with a broad smile on her face. She seemed to have been extremely proud of something. When asked what happened, she had merely smiled.
The next day, rumours spread around Hogwarts that a blonde Gryffindor fourth year girl had injured a Slytherin boy who was bullying a muggleborn, and he had to spend the whole week in the hospital wing, with a nose that would continue bleeding until he apologised to the first year he was bullying, and a broken elbow. No one had dared to tease Marlene from then on, even for the most harmless of things.
Sirius wondered whether he would have to run around with a bloody nose until he had apologised to everyone he had left behind.
"Are you ill, Santa Paws?" Remus asked him with his hand running over his back. He picked up his food bowl and sniffed it, probably looking for bad odours. But it wasn't bad odours that were keeping Sirius from eating anything. He had a tight knot in his gut and he felt like he would throw up if he ate anything now. Nevertheless, he began to eat his breakfast when Remus put the bowl down. If Remus thought he was ill, he would take him to the shelter and he wouldn't be able to visit Marlene.
Remus gazed at him while he gobbled down his food. "You act so much like a human," he muttered, and Sirius looked at him, flashing him an innocent look. "You're probably a human in an alternate universe."
He cocked his head to the side, before reaching forward to lick his hand which was rested on his thigh. There, that's not human behaviour at all.
Remus laughed and drew his hand away. "Trying to prove that you are not a human?"
Sirius froze and looked up at him. But Remus merely brought his hand over to his neck and ruffled his long fur. "I'll be back for lunch. Be good. Don't play with glasses." And he placed a kiss on his snout before standing up to leave. Sirius let out the breath he had been holding, though he had nothing to be scared of. Remus had no reason to believe that he was, indeed, a two legged creature that could talk. He had simply been joking.
Despite that, Sirius took five minutes after Remus's departure to shake away the discomfort he felt. Then he turned back to his human form and without a second's hesitation, disapparated.
As soon as he landed on hard ground, he realised it was a bad idea to have done this without a little practice, for nausea swept through him and he felt bile rising up his throat. Scrambling to his feet, he stumbled sideways and threw his arms out to the wall to support himself. Blinking back tears, he clamped his mouth shut to keep from throwing up, and a minute later, the nausea subsided. Taking a deep breath, he straightened up and looked around, letting out a relieved breath when he saw that he hasn't ended up in a remote beach or amidst a dense forest.
Sirius knew that Marlene had moved away to a hiding place after the rise of Voldemort, and though he didn't know where, he knew the general area. He wasn't sure if she still loves there, but it was the best option he had right now. Transforming back to his canine form, he walked out of the shadows and into the open.
It was a deserted street, with occasional trees lining the footpaths. The place had a dead look to it, as though it hadn't been used in years. Small, wooden houses sprouted here and there, the insides dark and the roofs caving in. He knew each house was inhabited by a different family, protected by the Fidelius charm. One of them belonged to the McKinnons.
Pebblebrook House, Pebblebrook House. He kept repeating the words as he walked cautiously along the street, keeping his eyes focused on the houses around him. The secret keeper, Marlene's oldest brother had revealed it to him once, which was why he would be able to find their house. The only problem was that he didn't know whether they had moved to a different place.
After a minute of walking, one of the houses rippled and he halted in his steps. All the houses were identical, and this was no different. Parts of the walls and the whole roof were badly damaged, ivy grew wildly along the sides and crept into the open windows, the planks of wood were ripped along the middle, and the whole house shook in the wind. Except, this house was now rippling, as though an invisible layer of water separating it from Sirius was disturbed by a stone dropping onto it. The ivy drew away into neater layers, the planks repaired themselves, and the house straightened up, now standing two storeys tall. It was as good as new.
Sirius drew in a shaky breath, and walked towards the house, brimming with cautiousness. He stood in front of the door, on which a strip of black wood was nailed in, the words Pebblebrook House engraved on it. He raised his hand and rapped on the door, slowly and quietly, not wanting to act as a threat to the inhabitants. Surely they didn't get many visitors in the middle of a war.
A few seconds later, the sounds of footsteps reached his ears, and he held his breath, hoping for everything to turn out well. He heard the footsteps halt near the door, and he felt the presence of someone on the other side. He could imagine Marlene or her brother, if he hasn't dies in the rumoured massacre, leaning against the door, wand drawn and ready to strike at any moment.
"Who is there?" A male voice spoke, flooding Sirius with relief as he realised it must be one of Marlene's brothers, though he could never differentiate between their voices - Nathan or Nigel.
Sirius remained silent, not sure what to say. It would have been better if he could speak to Marlene, but then he decided that she was most likely by the door too. So he leaned towards the door, his mouth nearly touching the strip of wood, and spoke in a low voice. "Marlene? Are you there?"
He heard a sharp intake of breath before a shaky and dazed voice reached out, clearly Marlene's. "Sirius?"
"Yes," he answered, speaking an octave louder than last time. "Please let me in."
There was a sound of the lock opening, but then Marlene let out a soft shriek. Sirius guessed that her brother had seized her hand. And a good thing he has done too. They couldn't trust anyone now, in the midst of a flaming war. Not even him.
"You don't know it really is Sirius," he said in a flat tone. "Ask something only he knows."
"Yes, sorry," said Marlene, sounding like she was choking back a sob. Sirius felt awful. "Um, Sirius. What - when was the last time we saw each other?"
"A few months back, in the midst of a death eater attack," he answered patiently. "I was duelling Bellatrix Lestrange, which means she saw me too, and I could be Bellatrix in Sirius's disguise. So ask something else."
He could almost see her brother glaring at her while she blushed in embarrassment. "Right. Of course." She paused, clearly her mind racking through questions she could ask. "Um, who was your first kiss?"
Now it was Sirius's time to blush. "Really, Marlene?" he questioned. "Alright, it was - um - during our third year, and I had kissed a Ravenclaw boy because I found him cute. You know about it since you walked in on us, and I never told anyone else because it didn't seem like a big deal to me at that time."
"That's him," she said triumphantly and the door creaked open, before a pair of hands grabbed him and dragged him inside, while Marlene closed the door quickly behind them. It was Nathan, the oldest of the three and he peered at him with amused eyes, his blonde curls hanging over his face.
"You had your first kiss in third year?" He asked.
Sirius shrugged. "It was an experimental kiss. I don't even remember his name."
"Experiment to test your sexuality?" Marlene asked with a smirk, but it didn't take long for the smirk to be replaced by emptiness. Placing her hands on her hips, she gazed at him with steady eyes dark with betrayal. Sirius could hold her gaze for half a second before he turned away. "So? Where have you been?"
"Let the boy come inside, Marls," Nathan spoke before Sirius could, not that he had anything to say. "He -"
"He is not a boy anymore, Nathan," she interrupted her brother. "Just like I'm not a girl anymore. Which you seem to forget quite frequently."
"It's okay," Sirius said. "I have to go back in an hour, so it's better to get it over with."
Nathan let out a sigh and set his hand over Sirius's shoulder reassuringly. Marlene spoke again.
"Why do you have to go back in an hour? Go back where? Where have you been, Sirius?"
He kept his eyes focused on the floor, which was wooden like the rest of the house. It was rotten away in some places and he wondered how dangerous wooden houses were - so susceptible to fire. He felt Marlene's eyes burning through him and he sighed, looking up at her in defeat. "I have been hiding. From the war. From every one of you. I am a coward." He couldn't keep the disgusted tone off his voice as he uttered the last word.
"Hiding where, Sirius?"
Finally, he opened up and told her everything. Starting from how he had turned into a dog and roamed the streets for weeks, how he had fallen sick after eating food from the bin, how he was picked up and taken to a shelter, how he was adopted by one of the employees and how he had lived with him since - he did not leave out anything. When his little narration was over, he received two very different reactions from his audience.
Nathan looked at him with an amazed grin. "You are an animagus?"
But Marlene looked disbelieving. She stomped towards him and shoved him hard on the shoulders, causing him to stumble back a few steps. "Are you trying to tell me," she nearly yelled, "that you have been living as a pet dog and having fun while we are fighting every other day, trying to kill death eaters, and getting our own killed in the process? Are you saying that you have been sleeping in a fluffy couch and playing fetch while we lost our brother in battle?"
Sirius's head whipped up in shock. "Nigel? He's dead?"
"Yes. He died. Bravely fighting three death eaters at once. But what would you care? You were busy licking your master's legs -"
"Marlene, that's enough!" Nathan stopped her, speaking sharply. Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat, heavy guilt weighing down on him and crushing his insides. His vision went blank and he suddenly felt all the air leaving his body, finding it hard to breathe. He would have collapsed on the floor had Nathan not caught him. It took a few seconds for his vision to clear and when he looked at Marlene, her face was etched with hatred and disgust. "I thought you were the bravest among us, Sirius," she continued, ignoring her brother. "But it looks like you are no better than Peter."
It felt like a slap in the face. Under normal circumstances, he would have been angry and would have protested that in no way was he like that traitorous scum. But at the present moment, all he could think of was how he had left his friends behind and lived in happiness, playing with toys and eating delicious foods and sleeping in the warm embrace of his master. Unending selfloathing plunged through his veins.
"Go away, Sirius," Marlene spoke, her voice laced with ice that cut through him. "Don't come to us again." And she stalked inside the house.
In a daze, Sirius turned back and walked towards the door, not aware of his feet moving. When he reached for the doorknob, Nathan stopped him. "Give me your address," he asked quietly. "And don't take anything to heart. She has a lot compressed inside her mind right now."
He nodded, Nathan's words registering only vaguely in his mind. He told him his address, and walked out of the house. After going a few feet, he remembered, and transformed to his dog form. He wasn't aware of where he was going, or what was going on around his surroundings. He merely walked, his feet staggering, his head buzzing and Marlene's words ringing painfully in his head.