+the epilogue, i recommend you later to listen to ariana grande's "almost is never enough"
"you're my guilty pleasure – i know that you'll be the cause of my demise but, i'm addicted to the thought of having you"
black, everything was black.
i found myself running on an oblivion, legs continuously marching into nothingness. i couldn't make a picture of where i was, only darkness enveloped my eyes.
where, where am i?
legs feeling sore, my knees betrayed me as i suddenly had my face planted on the ground.
where, just where am i?
"Jeongguk"
heart going wild, body feeling a sudden surge of energy flow, once i heard that silky and soft voice, i couldn't help but feel hope in this dark world.
"Jeongguk"
struggling to stand up, once i heard that voice i found the urge to escape this void place.
"Jeongguk"
slowly, light seeped into my surroundings and the darkness soon ceased to exist.
"jeongguk"
a woman, my eyes caught sight of a woman waring a white sun dress, she had a long, velvety hair–
wh—who are you?
"jeongguk"
a cry escaped in her lips, painful sob paving it's way on her trembling skin.
wh—why are you crying?
"why—why did you forget?"
No—i— why are you suddenly disappearing?
"why did you forg—"
No!
ragged breathing, beads of sweat on my skin and eyes pooling with tears, I found myself catching my breath as I realized that I woke up again, because of that same dream.
The same thing in my dreams happens over and over again – a girl who had a dark, long hair would talk to me, her tears were cascading down her cheeks and all I could ever make off is her lips, her eyes and nose seemed to be blurry. whenever I would want to know more of her, she would start to disappear and I'd immediately wake up.
I'd wake up feeling empty, crying myself into nothingness as my heart would feel so much undeniable pain.
Why? why does my heart feel like it's stab into million pieces? I'd always cry myself into sleep, my eyes would suddenly drop the uncontrollable tears and my heart . . . my heart would suddenly feel so much unexplainable pain. Why? why must I feel like this?
Ever since I came back from the hospital exactly a week after, there's not a night where I would wake up in the middle of an ungodly hour.
furiously wiping the tears that painted my cheeks, it wouldn't stop from dripping.
I already cried myself to sleep to wake up crying again – why am I like this?
my eyes flickered on the digital clock. sighing, i realized that again – it was twelve fifty one in the middle of the night.
why, just why – why would I always wake up at the same time because of the same dream with feeling my heart so heavy.
these unusual things that have been happening to me is making me insane, i don't even know how to explain it.
why does it feel like something's missing?
everyday, i'd go to work meeting clients, closing deals and i should be happy with all of the success i have. i should even be more than happy that i reconciled with my long feud with my friends back at my first college and yet . . .
yet why do i feel so lost?
why does my heart hurts?
why do i find myself crying, unconsciously?
i've never experienced something like this, what's wrong with me?
standing up, i let the continuous flow of tears to drip on my cheeks – no matter what i do, they seem to be like an endless waterfall. i made my way to the study table and fished out my journal and a piece of ballpen at the third drawer. i began to flip through the pages and wander to the one where i had bookmarked, silently reading the entry.
Haine smiled today and I almost thought I'd die because of heart attack.
"haine" the name always never fails to be mentioned at each entry. undeniably, whenever I speak or read the words, I would feel sudden contractions against my heart and my eyes would pool with even more tears.
She's a fragile yet strong girl. a rare piece of gem that a humble man like me stumbled upon to.
sniffling, i wiped the continuous surge of tears but when i look at my writings . . . my eyes would yet again pool with so much tears.
Haine. I know her, she was the first person I saw at the hospital the moment I woke up.
She's kindhearted, just a little broken and tries to act tough but that's what makes her special.
She was amazingly beautiful. the moment i opened my eyes on that day, i thought i saw a real-life angel beside me. i clearly couldn't recall having a relationship or even meeting her before but . . . but when i saw her,
i felt complete — something i'd never felt.
i know i could only be making things up but i knew what i felt. I knew what my heart felt. i don't know and i can't make my mind remember everything in just a flick of a hand but . . when i saw her, time seemed to stop and all i could ever see is that beautiful woman.
It's also the reason why I treasure her.
Why, why must I forget you?
"i—i'm haine, jeongguk"
A fragile angel, those where the two words I had in my mind the moment I laid my eyes on her – I could clearly remember what happened that day like a broken record.
tears, warm and hungry tears coveted her bloodshot and yet beautiful brown orbs as the drops continuously cascaded in her soft cheeks. The woman's hands that held mines trembled, making her even more vulnerable against my touch.
seeing a her – that gorgeous woman crying, make me feel a pang of guilt and sorrow erupt inside my heart.
like a porcelain, she was so fragile.
she had red velvety hair, brown orbs that seemed to pull me in her space, lips that was quivering and yet so inviting to kiss, her presence were enough to make me go insane. the woman had a body to die for and I could spend the day looking at her.
she was so breathtaking and the most beautiful girl i have ever seen, in my entire life.
"why . . . why don't you remember me?"
snap.
heart torn into two, i felt as if something inside me shattered. the moment those words escaped on her plump lips she looked so wrecked and done. i wanted to comfort her but i was afraid that i might break her even further.
i was afraid that if i tried to do something she would shatter against me.
"i—"
As much as I'd wanted to embrace her, I was afraid to hurt the woman further. I know that she might have meant something more than just a friend, but I was afraid. I let the coward side of me eat my heart even if I wanted to keep her by my side, even if she makes me feel weirdly complete.
I could sense that she was important to me, even if I just met her – that is, in my state of memory. I know . . . I know that she had the piece of my heart with her.
I love the girl
I just want to see her again but why? why do I hesitate?
Wiping the tears in the corner of my eyes, I flipped the pages once I was able to read one of my past journal entry. Looking at the blank piece of paper in the notebook, I let my thoughts get the best of me as my hand weaved magic.
"in these unusual nights, I wake up to the thought of having a mysterious girl in my arms and then a glimpse of your face comes inside my mind"
I want to meet you again.
"it makes me wonder if you two were supposed to be just one person."
Tell me.
"they said your face was wiped in the bank of my thoughts and yet . . . my heart screams to have you"
Choi haine.
"I may have forgotten you, but my heart yearns for your presence"
I – I just want you beside me, now.
"my heart aches"
;
04:30
Tying the lace on my puma shoes and smoothing my white sleeveless hoodie, i pulled the zipper up and tied the string on my black sweatpants. grabbing my keys and phone, i left the penthouse to take a jog early in the morning.
i have to clear this head before i go off to work at nine.
ever since i woke up, i wasn't able to sleep even a wink. nothing to do, i just decided to not waste any more of my time and decided to head outside.
running around the residence area, i had no particular destination. the place was quite quiet since it was still early. the sun hasn't set and it was still dark, i guess this is the earliest i had ever decided to do jogging.
i just let myself ran across the streets as i just wanted a peace of mind.
jogging, i had let my thoughts fly into countless of stream. I know i should be letting myself clear my mind but i'm getting even more and more anxious.
haine.
the name just keeps on echoing inside my head as my heart felt like it wanted to rip out of my ribcage. stopping midway from jogging, i took the time to catch my breath, eyes trailing upfront i thought i was going to have a heart attack.
why– why am i here?
A sudden flashback flickered against my mind.
"yoongi-hyung? can i ask something?"
"fire away, kook"
"do you know what's the name of the family that had a treehouse built on their vicinity?"
". . . "
"why are you looking at me like that, hyung?"
"why?"
"h–huh?"
"i said why do you want to know, kook"
"i—i just find myself always stopping infront of that house, unconsciously"
". . .do you really want to know? are you sure?"
"well, yeah. considering that i'm feeling so weird whenever i came across that house"
"it's choi haine's"
Why?
heart thrashing and tears suddenly on the brim of my eyes once again, i felt my cheeks feeling warm tears.
I– why, why does everything lead to you?
all roads i take all leads to you.
*play the song bub
"I'd like to say we gave it a try. I'd like to blame it all on life. Maybe we just weren't right. "
eyes widening, i heard a beautiful hymn danced against my ears. I—where, where is that coming from?
"And we can deny it as much as we want. but in time our feelings will show"
Why, why does my heart feels like it's strings are being pulled?
my head frantically shifted around me, searching for anyone around the vicinity but i couldn't see anyone. i didn't know what got to me but i wanted to know who was singing. I wanted to know how she can make me feel so vulnerable.
"Almost, almost is never enough. So close to being in love"
Who – who are you?
"If I would have known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you"
I want to see you.
"then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart but right here in each others arms"
all ears on the hymn, i let myself be lulled to where the voice was coming from. Following the sound, i found myself running as if my whole life depended on it.
"If I could change the world overnight, there'd be no such thing as goodbye"
Feet running around pavements and heart on outmost speed, the anxiety consumed me as i desperately searched.
Please.
the voice was getting more and more clearer and i don't know why it had so much effect on me.
eyes shifting on the sky above, i prayed to the heavens to help me. i don't know why i had this sudden urge to meet the one who's been singing in the middle of the night but.
but, i feel as if this would give me hope.
"Cause sooner or later. we'll wonder why we gave up, truth is everyone knows"
Let me, let me find you.
"Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart, but right here in each others arms"
Found you.
"And we almost, we almost knew what love was"
Breathing ragged and tears spilling against my skin, i didn't know if i should cry even more at the sight that i see.
"but almost is never enough"
haine.
Ethereal – she was ethereal. long hair a radiant velvet, her features were beautifully illuminating in the night as her small face were staring up at the sky. closing her eyes, i could make out how long were her eyelashes.
So beautiful.
Opening her eyes and gaze still focused on the sky, my heart felt like breaking when a single tear drop fell on her cheek.
"i miss you, jeongguk"
Shattering.
at the mention of those words, i once saw the vulnerability in her. i don't exactly know what we were before but . . . but i just, i want her.
I want to touch her,
so i did.
Thoughts in a disarray and letting all the hesitation pushed on the back of my head, i let the screaming emotions of my heart get the best of me as i sprinted my way to the sobbing girl and embraced her, protectively.
"please . . . please don't cry"
i let out, voice breaking from the pain inside me. as our skins touch against each other, i felt a wave of relief and peace run through my body. Why? why do i felt so complete?
haine's body felt like the perfect fit against the missing pieces of me.
"j–jeongguk, wh— no, is this a dream?" her voice was breaking and even if she was overwhelmed with her tears, the moment i heard my name roll on the tips of her tongue – i felt like i was on cloud nine.
I could listen to her all day.
Slightly pulling away but not breaking the embrace, i cupped her right cheek gently before wiping the tears that flowed with my thumb. She was so heavenly in my eyes.
Our eyes met and i swear, i've never felt so safe. I've never felt so contended, my heart was making somersaults and i don't even know how to fully explain anything at all.
I just felt like i found my home.
"y–you're important to me, right?" i choked out, tears on my cheeks and i saw the way her eyes pooled with even more tears as she timidly pulled away from me.
no, why would you—
"i am not, anymore" she painfully choked out as it tore her when she spoke of it.
i saw the hesitation on her eyes, i saw her being scared and i know why. haine was afraid to face the reality that because i had lost my memories of us together it would meant that my feelings would've disappeared.
but she was so wrong.
"i–i, you don't know me and– i know it must be bothersome to even–even look at me, i know that everything we had is just in the past and–"
Please, don't say that.
"no, you. i need you!"
eyes meeting mines, i saw the same glint of hope tickle her eyes.
"i–"
"i know that all my memories about us were wiped into nothingness but . . . but i, i always find my heart screaming for your name."
A sob escaping my lips, "i– i need you more than you could even imagine"
"bu–"
"when i woke up at the hospital, when i saw you right beside me i thought you were an angel. after i was discharged at the hospital every night, i cry myself to sleep not even knowing the reason why. the ring that you placed against my finger, i couldn't even have the strength to remove it. my heart was in so much pain and i can't understand why, i don't know how to fix it. everything's so dull and i just want to cry, every time. i always find myself infront of your house whenever i go home. i am a wreck, i feel so lost but right here . . . right now . . ."
". . ."
Hands snaking on her hips, pulling her even more close and letting our foreheads touch. "i feel like i'm home. the moment our skins touhed, I feel so contended and i even if i don't know why, even if i can't recall anything . . . i know that i just want to be with you"
brushing our noses against each other, i found myself speaking. "even if my mind forgot, my heart seeks for you"
Her brown orbs widening, i saw her lips quivering as she let out a whimper before closing her eyes, and burying her head against my chest. pulling her even closer, i felt her shakily snaking her arms against my body.
"jeon–gguk . . . . j–jeongguk"
she chanted like a kid and as much as it felt weird, i loved it when i hear her call me.
"please, i want to start again. even if i forgot, can't we just make another one?"
i inquired as we made eye contact, i saw her faintly nodding. hands inching to wipe the tears on her cheeks, i couldn't help but let my eyes trail against her lips – i want to kiss her.
i tried to fight the urge away but, the longer i stared at her the more i want to let our lips touch. unconsciously inching closer, i couldn't help it, anymore.
lips touching, the moment our skins touched i've never felt so alive. as i've expected, her lips were so soft, she had a strawberry taste and i feel like i would get addicted to her. skins dancing against each other, i found myself needy of her. i couldn't get enough of her.
her lips were like my supplement.
lips weaving into one another, as much as i wanted to go on forever i had to pull away as the both of us were running out of breath.
our eyes met and i swear, a picture wouldn't be enough to record the way how beautiful she looked right after the kiss – lips swollen, cheeks flushed and even if her eyes were bloodshot from crying, it looked adorable on her. the fazed expression on her face couldn't help but make my heart skip a beat.
before i knew it, i found my lips speaking the truth.
"i love you, choi haine"