For the first time in a long time, I had a nightmare. I forgot how terrifying they were, and how real they seemed. But this one was real alright, the nightmare I had was something I could never forget; my worst memory. It was the last time my grandmother was drunk, and the first time she had ever harassed me. Everyone in my family has a drinking problem, even I do. My Grandma had divorced and had started drinking; that went on for about a year. My parents never let me see her, and the first time they did, was the last time she drank. I'd like to say me talking to her made her stop, but it wasn't. It was when she had snapped, and had hit me. I was shocked, I had never been slapped before; and I don't think my grandma even noticed. Because after that came all the insults; she called me every name possible, and I was fine with that. It wasn't anything different from school. The thing that had brought me down was what had made her stop.
"No one will ever love you."
And that's what my dream was, over and over; the torment. I started to believe it too. I woke up after what seemed to be forever. I notice that I had been crying, the tears were fresh; they were still rolling down my face. I cover myself with my blanket. I was so cold, Gerard wasn't there. I couldn't feel his warmth, he wasn't next to me. Confused, I call out his name; no response. I get up and look around the room; no sign of him. I look at the clock, it's 5 am. Where could he be at 5 am in the morning? I get up off the bed, and knock on the bathroom door; empty. I then start walking around my room, looking for any notes. As I pass my desk, I take a quick look out my window; and there he was. Standing out on my front yard, smoking. Stil confused, I throw on a sweatshirt over my pajamas and walk out of my room.
No one was awake, only Gerard and I. He doesn't notice me at first when I walk outside.
"Hey, what are you doing outside?" I call out.
He quicky turns his face at me, I see the bags under his eyes; he looks like he hasn't slept in days. I then notice his eyes, red and puffy; had he been crying?
He takes another puff of his cigarette.
"I woke up early, and I haven't smoked in a while."
"Hey, are you okay?"
"Me? Oh I'm fine." He said. He didn't seem okay though, he seemed confused, sad even.
I nod, and watch him. He then extends his arm, he was offering me a cigarette. I take one, and he lights it up for me. We are both quiet, I didn't know what to say. I notice that he had pulled out another one, he was smoking his really fast. Something was wrong, and that something was probably me. It always was. I still didn't say anything, he already looked pissed. I stop staring at him, and look around. The sun was still down, it as still pretty dark outside. I didn't know what to do, should I stay with him? I look back at him, and I see him staring at me. We both stare at each other, I notice his eyes, they were filled with so much confusion. I wonder what mine looked like.
"What do you think you will be doing after college?" He finally says.
Was this what he was confused about? The future? I think about his question for a while.
"Um, a job I guess?" Terrible answer, I know.
"What job do you think?"
"Whatever I guess? I don't like thinking about the future, so many possibilities; and so much time to think about them too."
"Oh. Same." He sighs.
We're both quiet again. He was looking for a better answer. I sigh, I tell him what I've always dreamed of.
"I'll be in New York, for sure. That's where I've always wanted to go. I'll try to get big, just to be able to go to my high school reunion and have all the people that bullied me shocked. Revenge, it sounds terrible I know; but that's all I want."
I look back at Gerard, he's still staring at me.
"Why New York?" That's the only thing he says.
"There's a lot of people there, so making friends won't be that hard."
He laughs, and I smile.
"Do you think we would still be together after this?" He says.
"Haven't we talked about this?" I say. I didn't want to talk about it, so I try not to show the annoyance.
"I know, but still," he sighs, " would you want to?"
I smile,
"Of course."
He smiles back.
I then walk over, I put one hand on his cheek; and look up; he looks at me and smiles, giving me the okay. I then kiss him; nothing big, just a small kiss. He kisses back, wrapping his arms around me; dropping his cigarette.He was warm, and he smelled like cigarettes; and he tasted of them too. We stop, and look at each other.
"I love you." I whisper.
"I love you too."
There was a hint of doubt when he said that.
Maybe my grandma was right.
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We walk back inside, it was about 6. My parents weren't up yet, so we walk back up to my room. I turn on the light, we probably won't be sleeping anymore. I take off my sweatshirt, and throw it on the bed. I look back at Gerard, he's getting something from his bag. I walk into my bathroom, telling him that I was going to take a shower; I haven't done so since the funeral. I take off my pajamas, and get in my shower.
I then am hit by the warm water. I forgot how nice it had felt. I don't shower long, knowing that Gerard was in the other room. When I get out, I look in the mirror. I don't look as terrible as I did before. I then see something in the corner of my eye, something shiny. I look into the mirror, and I see the shine come from inside the toilet. Confused, I walk to it. When I look in, I see one shiny razor in the bowl. I was shocked. I knew that it was Gerard who had done it. I didn't know what to think, was I mad? Or should I thank him for it? I decide not to bring it up, but I leave the toilet as it is. He'll figure it out on his own.
I turn back. I haven't changed yet.
Shit.
I forgot to bring my clothes. I don't know what to do. Should I walk out in my towel? Or should I ask him to get my clothes. Either way, it's going to be weird. I sigh. I open the door, and peek my head through; hiding my body. Gerard is drawing, and he doesn't notice. I clear my throat, and he instantly looks up. He is shocked when he sees me, confused too.
"Um, I forgot my clothes....Can you, um, get them please?" I say quietly.
"Oh, um. Yea sure." He says and gets up.
He goes through my bag, and gets my clothes. My cheeks are burning with embarrassment. He walks over and hands them to me, and when he did that he drops my underwear. Both of us are already blushing. He bends and picks them up, and hands them to me. I try not to look at him. I thank him and close the door.
" Good going, Jay" I say
I get changed. It took awhile for me to get out of the bathroom. When I do, I see that Gerard is asleep on my bed. He looked cute. I remember something that I had. I go into my closet, and pull out my old Poloroid. I smile, and I check if there are any left over film; luckily I had tons. I go over, and take a picture of him. The flash was very bright, and it wakes him up.
"Oops, sorry." I say.
He smiles, and sees the Poloroid in my hand.
"Woahh, you've got one of those? I've always wanted one." He gets up.
I get on the bed and sit next to him; I hand him the Poloroid. As he looks at it, I watch the picture of Gerard appear. He looked cute, he always does. I show him the picture, and he makes a funny face.
"I look funny."
I shake my head, 'You look cute."
He then quickly takes a photo of me. The picture turns out terrible, the flash made me so pale.
"God I look terrible." I say, quietly so he wouldn't hear it.
He heard it.
"Yeah right, you're soo pretty." He says, like a kid.
We laugh, and for the whole morning we take pictures. Posing, and make funny faces; we looked so terrible, but I loved each photo. We started going through each photo, saying which one we wanted; most of mine were of Gerard, he took the pictures of me, and we each got a few of the pictures of ourselves. I loved going through them, they never got old.
"Hey, we've got one more film." Gerard says.
"What should we take it of?"
He then quickly leans in and kisses me, taking the photo while doing so.
That became my favorite one.
We both shared it because,
We both wanted it.
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A filler chapter.
Sorry this was probably bad too.
By the way, I might start a Frerard fic, so can you guys read the preview for it and tell me if you want me to start it.
Idk thanks.
Bye