The Song Left Unstarted (Gerard Way)

Chapter 23 - Helena

November 12, 2003

It's been three years since I started the band, and three years without Jade. 

Starting the band was the best thing I'd ever done.

No, scratch that.

It's the second, the first being, going to that Summer Course. If I didn't meet Jade, then none of this would ever of happened. I get to save people's lives through music, and that keeps me going. I get to save lives, and though I failed to save one life; I get to help so many more. I'm glad that I decided to this, because I truly am happy; despite the fact that I am still on antidepressants and had picked up on drinking. The band does worry about me sometimes, I've never told them why I'm like this way; and they never ask. I've never told anyone about her, and I never will. She's my secret, she's mine.

I love my band. They're my best friends. 

They all remind me of her.

Ray, he's one of the most talented guitar players I know; if not the best. He reminds me of her because he doesn't think he's the best, he always shrugs off the compliments. He's a genius, just like her and he doesn't realize it. Though it's weird, I always find a way to compliment him, tell him how great he is. Why? Because I never did it enough with Jade, she died thinking she was a failure. I don't want him thinking like that.

Frank, he's my favorite out of the three. His eyes are exactly like hers, but instead of her ice blue eyes, his are a warm hazel. He's so full of life, just like her. Their eyes both have so much light in them, it's captivating. Every time he laughs, it puts a smile on my face. His laugh and humor exactly like Jade's, everything can make them laugh, and when they do; it lights up the whole room. Whenever I hear him laugh, I hear her laughing too, as if she's laughing with them. They would've been the best of friends. I wish she was around to meet him, and sometimes I want to tell Frank about her; but I can't; I'm too selfish.

Mikey, my brother, reminds me how fragile she was. He's my kid brother, and when we started out the band he was scared. He was scared as hell. He was so nervous before each show and it reminded me how Jade as always nervous when she showed me her art. They both have the childish characteristic, but they can have a serious side. Jade was so full of wisdom, telling me things that I never knew. Mikey does the same, he's like the spiritual advisor for the band, giving us advice just like her. I always try to calm him, like I did with Jade and it works. He sometimes forgets how talented he is, and it's sad.

Sometimes it hurts though, it hurts because they are so much like her. It's as if everything that made her Jade had been spread around them, each getting a special trait. And though it hurts seeing her in them, I couldn't have done this with anyone else. This band revolves around Jade, and they don't even know who she is.

Starting the band was hard. I hated writing songs, because they always became about Jade. The first song I had written was mainly about the 9/11 incident, it was my release. I was haunted by the image of people falling off the building for days. A part of it was also about us, Jade and I. It was about me trying to find her. Trying to find her so we could get away from the dark world that I was trapped in, and the world that she got out of. Writing that song was easy, but the others took more time; but it was worth it. People listened. People listened to songs that were about Jade and I; and they cared, they opened their hearts to listen.

I was in the tour bus alone, it was one of our days off and the rest of the band went to play some kick ball. I stayed, my head hurt too much, and besides I'm no good at kick ball anyway. I was lying down in my bunk when a ringing noise came from my pocket. I groan, the loud noise hurt my head even more. I've grown a habit of not checking the caller I.D, but when I pick up my mother's voice is on the end of the phone.