When I finally surfaced it was a wonderful feeling. I took a long, glorious stretch under the covers, then my ears picked up what sounded like parchment along metal.
My senses told my body to freeze.
I knew that sound.
I sat up sharply, clutching the bedding to my chest and my eyes drank in the sight of Saizo sitting on the floor on the other side of the room, cleaning my katana.
The adrenaline now drenching my system narrowed my focus. Even though I had seen this ritual before, I still couldn't help but be captivated; my pulse banged at the sides of my temples as his elegant fingers caressed the blade as he concentrated on the task.
It was hypnotic.
"Hey there little lady." His tone was soft; his concentration not drifting from my sword.
"Thank you."
(Way to go Tamara, great use of language skills my inner eyes rolled in my head with an 'I'm with stupid' look)
I brought up my knees, feeling the past day's stiffness complain, and putting my arms back under the covers, I stretched my back as I hugged my knees, letting my head fall with a soft thud.
"I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for the blade."
His flat stare had returned, I could see his face in my head just from the tone.
Damn the man, he knew exactly how to be thoroughly exasperating. I extricated myself from the bedding, wrapped my robe tightly around me, muttering curses as I stood up.
"And where do we think we are going?" He still kept his eyes on my sword.
"Toilet, actually." I said, sharply sarcastic.
"Kizen will show you." And this time I heard myself squeak and jump as she materialised next to me.
She smiled vaguely, as if I was somewhat amusing and started to leave the room, so I turned to follow her, my bare feet at least sounding softer on the boards. The silence that surrounded me was almost visible it was so dense, and I tried to walk just lightly on the balls of my feet, gritting my teeth against my body's protests. I still broke the silence with each step.
Kizen checked the dressings she had done, and after having a chance to wash my face again and make some sense of my hair, I almost did a convincing cartoon tiptoe through the thick silence heading back.
Saizo now sat leaning against the corner of the back wall in his usual dark grey kimono, looking as if he had always been there. Kizen handed me a long drink of that tea type stuff and as I looked down into it, I saw the shimmered reflection of my own eyes; even to myself they looked glassy and tired. I sighed and slumped down on the bedding, then downed the drink, setting the cup aside. Whatever it was, whatever was in it, I felt myself relax into calm, despite the silence in the room.
In one fluid movement Saizo got up and was then sitting cross-legged at the end of the bedding. My relaxed self could barely follow his movements. I knew for certain now there must have been something in the tea, but I didn't seem to care.
"Tamara"
His voice was soft, seductive, and I felt powerless to do anything but seek his eyes. They seemed so captivating as gold flecks of fire shimmered deep within them. He slowly leant towards me and I instinctively drew away. His eyes just kept coming, I then realised I had fallen backwards on the bedding, not noticing his hand under my shoulders as I went.
I wanted to struggle, break away from the power of his eyes; it felt so desperate inside me, yet my body was only able to respond weakly.
Then I saw something I remembered, it seemed so long ago, so far away.
A distant memory of the way those eyes had looked at me before.
I could almost recognise it, almost....
I had to close my eyes.
It was too much.
I could feel my chest breathing hard under the weight of his body and my head began to swim with blurred pictures of the past, fragments, and flashes. I didn't want to see these either.
"Tamara, stop fighting."
Saizo's words caught me and I opened my eyes, his features filled my vision. The way he was holding my head, the soft bedding, that look in his eyes and then my heart shuddered in my chest.
It was that moment...
That last moment in Iga all over again.
As before, tears began to blur my vision, his lips were so close to mine we shared the same breath, I had to shut my eyes again to try and clear my vision.
Another ragged gasp escaped me as my chest began to burn, my heart convulsing.
Still he held me.
Still his eyes called me back into their depths.
His lips brushed my own and took his name from my breath as I said it -
"Saizo."
Our lips met and I fell into the memory of that morning, the caring tenderness he had shown me, like no other kiss before.
I was drowning in the then and now as a knife then twisted through my heart.
He broke the kiss and moved his teeth lightly to my neck, the pain in my heart was unbearable, and I screamed as he kept me to the bedding, his elbows on the sleeves of my robe so I couldn't free my arms.
I thought the pain would never stop, I was vaguely aware his hand was now across my heart, the chill he sent was soothing, but at this point I felt totally dislocated from any reality except the feel of his teeth in my neck, the weight of his body and the sensation of his kiss still on my lips.
As the pain became an echo, Saizo brought his head back to my face. There was a quick flicker of concern, and a voice to my right said:
"She's alright Saizo."
It was Shai.
I felt a warm cloth wipe the corner of my mouth and another sweep the channels of tears away. As I blinked my vision clear she had already gone.
I struggled against him in startled confusion, my lungs trying to send enough oxygen to my brain to process what just happened.
He let me go.
I sat up, holding my chest and he shifted position to be behind me.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and then stared at it. A thin trail of blood was smeared there. As I fell backwards still staring at my hand he caught me in his arms and laced them around my body, taking my arms with him as he went. I fell into his chest; his heartbeat in my ear was slow, so sure against the fluttering of my own.
His steady, even breathing moved a random wisp of my hair as he exhaled across my ear.
Another memory surfaced...
Being wrapped like this...
Held like this...
and feeling ... feeling ...
something.
The emotion was so strange in my mind I couldn't find it, couldn't quite remember it.
"Hey there little lady."
Saizo's voice was still languid, melting me into him further, the memory, the words ...
Then something else started railing in frustration. This time I found more strength to struggle, I felt desperate to get away from his touch, his hold around me.
"LET ME GO DAMN YOU!"
I shouted, surprising myself at the venom in my tone, but he still held me with no effort, his grip so strong my muscles soon gave out to him.
My head and chest were pounding and white lights danced in front of my vision.
Saizo was speaking to me but the words were too hard to lock onto. I shook my head to clear it, but just made the lights go brighter.
"What?" I managed.
I felt him sigh behind me as if reluctant to repeat himself.
"Whatever happened at the hands of Uesugi Kenshin and that little lover boy of his, little lady, you found a way to cope, to survive."
A vivid picture of Kenshin's beautiful but cruel eyes filled my mind, and the hand that had hit me in the dark.
I curled up from the memory.
I tried to force it back into the darkness.
"Tamara."
My mind reached out to the softness in his voice, "Let it go."
I pushed myself forwards to get away from him. Willing myself free.
"He didn't kill my heart Saizo, you did."
His grip relaxed and I sprung away from him, grabbing my knees again and burying my head. I felt the sting of tears and cursed myself for being so stupid, so thoroughly pathetic, so goddamned friggin' weak.
I thought I heard him say 'I know", but the words were so soft my brain could well have made them up on its own.
Saizo stood up and I heard him walk across the room, pour a drink, and set down what I presumed was a jug, whilst I stayed in the darkness of my knees.
Anger and frustration found their way into me and I gritted my teeth,making myself stand up in stages as my head still spun out white swirling lights across my eyes.
I pulled my robe tight around me with a show of force, and glared at my feet till they moved. A dizzy shuffle took me to where Saizo was standing, and without looking up I took the cup he offered.
"It's just water."
He said in a flat tone before I could ask.
It was spring sweet and cool, and I put the cup down loudly on the table as I finished, determined to speak whilst I still had the energy of anger.
I stared at my hand.
The cup.
Then the table.
I felt a click of synchronicity as I turned slowly around, perfect clarity, distilled darkness in my eyes as I directed them to his.
I almost smiled at his reaction.
He didn't recognise this Tamara, and made no move towards me. Patiently I stood there as a series of expressions ran across his eyes.
Now I smiled, now I knew for certain I had the power to speak my mind.
I watched him try to work out who I was.
My smile went, pushed aside as my expression matched my eyes.
My tone was laced with razors as I let my mind finally speak.
"How many hundreds of women have you bedded Saizo?"
It was an accusation, not a question.
My voice was oiled with hidden needles, and I put my back to him and let my words slice through the silence, filling the room.
"For information, for missions, for fun, or just 'because'?"
I went to turn to face him, but he had disappeared, he shoved me into the wall and spun me around to face him.
His dark eyes glittered with danger, but I wasn't finished. Not by a long shot. I let my mind hurl words at him again.
"Does it give you power?
Control? ...
... Love?"
He looked down for a second.
"Sometimes." He admitted
My hand rose quickly to slap him across his face, but his reflexes were so sharp he grabbed my wrist and stopped the force of my arm in his grip. I stared at his hand, the grip, the way his cold fingers wrapped my wrist and the memory of that first fall, the beginning of all this overlapped.
I sagged and slid down the wall.
Saizo squatted in front of me, still holding my arm at bay. I felt totally drained and offered no resistance as he lifted my chin with his other hand.
"When you left I ..." Saizo stopped and looked away, he seemed to be wrestling with words.
I knew he didn't let his guard down often, and at the time I was too exhausted to do anything more than watch him.
Finally, he turned back to me and I saw a Saizo I had only rarely seen before.
No tricks, no arts, no mask.
He searched my eyes for something, I have no idea if he found it or not, but a faint smile wandered his face.
"I have missed you little lady."
I couldn't stop the tears as they ran freely down my face, my chest was threatening to hurt again, but it felt like a different kind of pain.
He lifted me back up the wall from my wrist; the husk in my chest was aching, pounding.
I didn't know what to do or say.
I reached my left hand upwards and found his neck, his hair.
I'm not sure if I pulled him to me or my hand followed him, but I was determined not to let him go. He dropped my arm and swept me into his body from my waist, and then as he had done so to me before, he took each breath from me as we kissed.
It wasn't frantic, but deliberate, both of us strong together. We broke away and stared at each other, our breathing still in time.
Another wave of exhaustion made me stagger back towards the wall, but he caught me and easily carried me back to the bedding on the other side of the room. He put me in the covers, extra touches and caresses reminding my body of his fingers on it.
Even as his command to sleep reached me, I was halfway there already.
The sleep was dreamless, no hauntings, just peace.
I was brought back to wakefulness in stages by the sensations of touch. In a half-awake, half-asleep world I felt a familiar hand find my neck, my ribs, my thigh. My body responded eagerly as the touch increased into holding and a long sigh escaped me as I saw the back of my eyelids.
My own hand found his and guided him to my heart, which he held for a few moments, then released it and rolled me towards him. I was almost reluctant to open my eyes, the soft dark, the touch, was just so welcome to my senses. Stretching out into his frame I opened my eyes and turned to see him.
Saizo had his head propped up by his other hand, the room was dark, save for a single light on the table, and his features looked bathed in an ethereal glow. He smirked for just a second and then sat up, taking most of the bedding with him.
"You need to eat."
Was all he said as the aroma of food found me.
I sighed again, my body still craving his touch, but I was starving. We sat opposite each other in comfortable silence, but when he did speak his question stopped me as I was about to put a morsel of chicken in my mouth.
"How did you get back?"
My chopsticks clattered as I put them down, staring at him, but seeing images in my head.
"I...I fell into some sort of pond ... lake..."
I was simply narrating what I could see so clearly - the rush of air, the ice, the cold, the panic.
"Kenshin pulled me from the water, at first he was so concerned, so gentle ... his eyes."
I remembered how he swept me into his arms and carried me.
Then the fear returned with the pictures, the numbing terror of how he looked into me when he realised who I was.
I couldn't speak.
I held my head trying to make the pictures stop.
The gentle touch of a woman's fingers met my temples, they were cool and held my head in a way that somehow made the images less dynamic, less real. I heard Shai's voice somewhere in the room.
"Saizo, a word." Vaguely I registered the sound of footsteps moving away.
"Be still Lady Tamara." It was Kizen's voice, and I was content to sit as it seemed her fingers took the pictures from my mind. I could clearly hear Shai speaking, so I could only assume she fully intended me to hear her words.
"Saizo, you have only touched her heart, you must give it back to her, or she will never be strong enough to face the demons in her mind."
*** silence ***
"I'm not sure she has the strength to survive this, she's exhausted."
*** silence ***
"Saizo, we're running out of time."
Kizen's touch melted away and I felt Saizo settle behind me. He picked up my chopsticks and put them to my hand.
"Eat." He breathed into my ear.
I felt myself obey, sure that he was controlling my will, and after a couple of mouthfuls, found my appetite return somewhat. After drinking more water I was calmer, and let myself relax back into his embrace.
"I know I have been cruel, I have hurt you Tamara."
I had never heard Saizo speak this way before and a part of me was confused, the other part however, wholeheartedly agreed with him. I saw a tear of mine splash onto this hand as it fell from my face, he left it there and then continued.
"Tamara,"
His voice saying my name ran through my whole body.
"Forgive me."
My reply surprised me as it fell, like the tear.
"Why?"
"I love you."
Something broke and I whirled around and pushed him to the floor, my hands as fierce as I could make them into his shoulders.
I held myself above him, and sent him the most piercing look possible.
"AND WHAT IS THAT EXACTLY TO YOU KIRIGAKURE SAIZO?
WHAT?"
I was shouting in his face.
He overpowered me at speed and in a heartbeat our positions were reversed, he was smiling at my anger and my useless attempts to push him off me. I gave up and simply glared at him, putting as much expression into my eyes as was left in me.
"You, Tamara."
And this time his kiss held passion and I felt his heart quicken in his chest as it met mine. I tried to resist but found slowly I was returning the emotion as his right hand found my hip and then my thigh on my robe.
There was a sharp pain in my chest, but it drove me more into our passion. It was sweeter, like it was craving more for itself. Passion gave way to ecstasy as our touch reacquainted our bodies, and time seemed to slow to a moment that extended into the half-light of morning. I virtually passed out at the end.
The stress, the pain my body had carried left me and I had no idea it had worked so hard, so trapped as I was between my heart and mind.
The greatest sensation was peace as I lay with my head on Saizo's chest, his heart so calm, so strong its rhythm sent me to sleep.
I almost woke at one point, but as an arm tightened around me and another lightly stroked the hair from my face, I was reassured and felt myself drift away again.