The next morning I felt drained and cloudy in my mind. After a brief wash I gathered my armour and went straight to the stables, determined to get back some focus.
Ryo put me back in the chest piece and re-set my cloak; I had never ridden in this gear before and hoped to push myself with physical effort to get myself together. As I rode out alone to head for the grounds, I was lost in my thoughts so it took me a while to register the sound of fast moving hoof beats coming up behind me.
"Lady Tamara!!" I turned to see a retainer riding hard to catch me up. I would have been annoyed, but the poor guy sounded frantic.
"Lady Tamara - Stop!!" I reined in as he screeched to a halt beside me.
"Lord Shingen ..." He gasped for air "...Commands you to the Main Hall."
"Commands?" I smiled a deadly smile and the retainer shrank a little, "Does he now?" For a second I was torn between carrying on and turning back. Of course I had to go back, but I wasn't going to hurry.
"Of course." I finally said, "I will be there presently." At my reply the retainer shot off back towards the castle.
I sighed, what was this day going to bring I wonder?
Sadly turning Jin away from our intended workout I began to canter back. As I jogged into the courtyard, Ryo ran out to get Jin from me, whatever was happening had some urgency and at least the short ride had cleared my head a little.
The men in the Hall were split into groups, war teams discussing coming tactics I presumed, and there were more than a few appreciative murmurs as I strode the Hall, I had forgotten I was wearing my new armour. My improved range now gave me direct contact with their conversations, and snippets of comments floated to me as I headed to the dais.
Trying to keep good humour I saw Lord Shingen deep in discussion as he sat on the dais. I approached steadily but he didn't acknowledge my presence and as I reached the edge he was still locked in conversation.
I was in no mood to play games regardless of who he was.
"You sent for me Lord Shingen." I said clearly loud enough to be heard by all in the Hall.
"Wait for me in my chambers." He said without looking up, and casually dismissed me with a flick of his hand.
Most of the Hall felt me bristle as I turned on my heel and strode towards the doors.
My eyes stayed firmly fixed ahead the whole way to his chambers, I felt, well, humiliated. The whole way men treated women here really grated on me sometimes. By the time I arrived however, my temper had given way to hunger, and as I turned the last corner I saw Shinshoni ahead.
"Lady Tamara! Good morning!" She smiled brightly, even though I must have looked like an oncoming storm bearing down on her. My mood melted, I was so grateful to her for the previous night, it was so wonderful to have a female friend here.
We hugged, and I thanked her for her kindness, my eyes getting misty as I did so. "Come," She said, "My father has sent for breakfast for you both, he wishes to speak with you in private."
I realised then he was taking time out of the hundreds of things that must be consuming his attention to make time for me. Now I felt stupid at my haughty arrogant attitude and made a mental note to apologise to him. He had already done so much for me. A random memory of our night together crossed my mind, but I didn't let it stay.
She showed me in just as several staff brought trays of food. "Lord Shingen is just leaving the Main Hall now Lady Tamara." They informed me and I heard them giggling and discussing my attire as they left.
"Shinshoni?"
"Yes Lady Tamara?"
"Am I that unusual as a woman here?" She thought for a second.
"There have been many strong women in the Takeda Clan, but none have sought to be warriors like you."
"Oh." I said, not sure if it was a compliment or not.
"My father comes, I will see you soon, be well Lady Tamara." And with that she neatly disappeared out the door.
As Lord Shingen entered, my stomach jumped, he was serious and focused. For a second I thought he was going to charge at me, but as he slid the door shut behind him, he visibly relaxed. I have to say it left me more perplexed.
"Stand up" He commanded, "Let me look at you." He crossed his arms and tilted his head as I did so, studying me in detail. He indicated with a casual gesture for me to turn around.
I put my hands on my hips as I faced him again, my braided hair falling neatly over my right shoulder as I stopped.
"You continue to surprise me." He said, still looking me over. I searched the armour -
"What? Do I look ridiculous?"
"Hahaha, no Lady Tamara, somehow whatever you wear, you look incredible." I wasn't ready for the compliment and I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, but he just laughed again.
"Let's eat, I have some things I would like you to hear."
Now I understood even less, but my stomach voiced its opinion to the room with the smell of food near it, so we settled down to eat together. I tend to forget how blunt Lord Shingen can be about some things, so I was caught off guard by the question he threw at me, almost gagging on my food:
"Would you like my help again in your recovery Lady Tamara?"
He could see I was uncomfortable and I'm sure he was enjoying it.
"No Lord Shingen, thank you, but I think you've done enough." I couldn't meet his eyes although I could feel him willing me to look at him.
"I thought we had only just started." His tone was so matter of fact, like asking for a cup of sake. I needed to turn the conversation and my mind sent the next question to my mouth.
"Lord Shingen." I stared at the breakfast trays
"Yes Lady Tamara?"
"Tell me about Saizo." That name hadn't passed my lips since I had returned and a small sharp pain hit the space of my heart as I said it, heard it in my own ears.
"Do you really wish to know or are you simply trying to turn the conversation?" Damn the man, he was perceptive.
"Both." I said simply
"Ah, I see." He sat in silence, I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't look. Being the man he is, he must have read me like an open book because he shocked me with his next question.
"Lady Tamara, do you think you are capable of killing a man? Taking his life, seeing his soul leave this world as you watch, knowing it was by your hand alone?"
The thought of holding my sword to a man's throat came to mind, but didn't offer an ending.
"I don't know."
"If you kill you will see those faces forever in your mind, they will haunt you." I finally found the strength to look at him, my eyes dry and earnest.
"It can't be any worse than what already does."
"That is what concerns me Lady Tamara, this path, this destiny you are sending yourself to ..." He paused, "... I care for you too much to see you destroy yourself and stand by and do nothing."
I was determined to push the conversation back.
"Is Saizo lost to me?"
Lord Shingen sat quietly, thinking, then stood up and moved behind me. He easily lifted me to my feet and turned me around to face him. When all I could do was stare at his chest, he turned my face to his with a soft touch and waited till I met his eyes.
"There is so much you do not understand about us, our worlds are so different in many ways."
"I don't want to understand, I just want to know." I replied stubbornly.
"He has known of your return for some time."
Something in me snapped and I collapsed into Shingen's ready embrace. I was so sure, so convinced he would come for me, we had, we had ... he said he loved me ...
Was love so different a thing between two worlds, two realities?
Was I so misguided; so wrong with everything I felt?
His touch, his ... his ...
Now something shattered in me, I struggled to get free of Lord Shingen's embrace, unable to speak, unable to breathe, but he held me fast.
"Lady Tamara, be still, you still don't understand."
His voice tried to soothe me, as my mind replayed memory after memory of our time together.
It was all for nothing.
It meant nothing.
For the second time I wished Kanetsugu's blade had ended me.
Then all went quiet in my mind.
It was a strange detached feeling, like a splash of cold water bringing me clarity. Shingen felt the change in my body and I could see genuine concern in his deep amber eyes.
"Let me go." He did so.
"I will make you proud of me on the battlefield Lord Shingen, I will fight till my last breath for the Takeda Clan."
"I know you will, you know I love you don't you?"
With how the word 'love' felt to me in that moment his statement just went by me. I just stared into his eyes, wondering what I would see there, but his expression was unreadable. For a moment I thought he was actually going to kiss me, but he pushed me to arms length and stepped away from me, allowing me to leave.
"I will see you at the trials then." He said as I left and slid the door shut behind me.