Josh's P.O.V
Rosie was staying with me as much as possible. I was so glad, even when I had a moment like at the hospital when I was pushing her away, she still stayed in my house until I was ready. She knew I didn't really want to be left alone.
I was so tired, I really hadn't slept in ages, it had been a week since the accident and Sasha's condition remained the exact same. She wasn't waking up.
I was hanging onto a tiny thread of hope that she would, but it was looking worse and worse as the days past. The doctors said that the longer she was in a coma, the less chance she had of waking up ever.
I was still going to the hospital every day, I rarely left, unless Rosie made me to eat or to sleep. I never did sleep though, just lay in Rosie's arms until the morning, and repeated the routine I had recently become customised to.
Get up.
Go to hospital.
Go home.
Go to bed.
There would be the occasional snack that Rosie had to shove down my throat for me to eat in there too, and the occasional trip to the bathroom, or a few arguments, but it was all the same. Day in, day out. And it was all happening without Sasha.
Just like in my dream. She was there, but at the same time she wasn't. When I reached out to her, she was never within my grasp, not really.
I was beginning to understand my dream, it began to piece together, just little bits here and there, but I was getting it.
I was going to loose Sasha. Like I lost my Dad. On the same day. In the same way.
But I was in denial, and that's how I would stay until I absolutely had to accept it. Because until I had no choice, I refused to accept the loss of the thing I loved more than anything.
More than ANYTHING.
No matter what I've said in the past about anyone or anything, this week just proved that even though I may love a lot of things a whole lot, I love Sasha more, and she's literally the one thing I won't live without.
I got out of the shower, flicking my hair and causing little droplets of water to land on most surfaces as I walked out of the bathroom with a towel around my hips.
As I walked past the bright pink door, just down the hall from my own, I got that sinking feeling I always get when I think of Sasha. Every thing in the house reminded me of her in some way. Every corner I turned, something just screamed SASHA.
The pop tarts, the teddies, the dolls, the colour pink, her clothes that were in the wash, her pictures on the fridge, the photos of her as a baby on the mantle piece.
She was everywhere, apart from the one place I wanted her.
In my arms.
I shook my head again, closing my eyes as I sat down on my bed and tried to shake that feeling. It made me literally sick to the stomach, I couldn't stand it.
My stomach growled loudly, but I ignored it as I got a hold of myself again and stood up to get dressed.
Rosie was downstairs in the kitchen, she was still in my boxers and a big t-shirt. She had completely run out of clothes now and she was gonna have to go home and change. I didn't mind her wearing my shirts or anything, but she wanted her own and she said she was fed up wearing sweats all day long. She also needed underwear, so she was gonna nip home for some more clothes before we left for the hospital.
Mom hadn't left at all, not once. They even got her a room and everything to stay in since she was there so much, but she refused to leave Sasha's side. Last week, I apologised to her. I felt awful about what I'd said, and I was so thankful that she forgave me. She wasn't even that mad in the first place over what I'd said, she understood that I was upset and she wasn't holding anything I said or did against me.
We couldn't afford to fight right now anyway. I needed my Mom and my Mom needed me. We had to get each other through this, no matter what the outcome turned out to be.
I walked downstairs once I was dressed, not bothering with my hair. I hated it like this but Rosie thought it was cute and I couldn't be bothered gelling it. I wasn't so pleased with the 'cute' reference, but whatever.
She was leaning against the counter with her back to me, sipping her hot chocolate. I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist and pressed my face into her back. I was so glad she didn't mind me being clingy....cause I was being really clingy lately.
I needed her close to me all the time, and I needed her to hold me when it got too much, and I needed her to run her fingers through my hair and tell me everything was gonna be okay.
She was the only person I really remotely believed when they told me that.
She turned around in my arms and held me close as I nuzzled her neck. She giggled, the most beautiful sound ever, instantly putting a smile on my face.
She looked so damn sexy in my underwear and shirt, but I'd never use her again like before. It was a one time, mistake and it would never happen again. Everything had to be special for Rosie, it couldn't just be about sex. No matter what the reason for that sex was.
Rosie deserved roses and candles and romance, which maybe I couldn't always give her, but that's what she deserved.
''Morning.'' she said, greeting me with a bright smile. I could see in her eyes that she wasn't as happy as she was letting on, but I ignored it. I appreciated that she was being strong for my benefit.
''Morning.'' I answered, going back to nuzzling her neck.
She sighed contentedly, tangling her slim fingers into my hair while I buried my face in her neck. Everything about Rosie made me feel better, she could take my mind off anything, even just for a short while.
''I made you breakfast.'' she told me, nodding over to the plate of toast.
''Thanks.'' I mumbled, smiling down at her and pecking her nose once before sitting down and watching her carefully while I munched on my toast. I was starving, so I wasn't putting up a fight today.
She started washing dishes, putting things away and tidying up. It wasn't even her mess and she was going out of her way to clean up. As I watched her, I had this weird feeling in my stomach. It was like I had found the most perfect girl in the world and I knew I couldn't even let her go. She was like fucking wife material, seriously, she was perfect.
The way she looked after me, how good she was with children, the fact she had become not only my girlfriend but my best friend too. She was my world, my everything and I knew right then and there that even though we were only young, hell Rosie wasn't even legal yet, but I knew I was going to marry this girl one day.
''What are you smiling about?'' she asked, laughing at the goofy grin that made its way onto my face. I shook my head, shrugging as I set the plate into the sink.
''Nothing.'' I said nonchalantly.
It wasn't nothing though, I just didn't have the balls to admit to her what I'd just been thinking.
She rolled her eyes and leaned up to kiss my cheek.
''I'm gonna go home for half an hour and get changed, pack some clothes and see my Mom, are you okay on your own?'' she asked me, watching me carefully. It was like she was expecting me to lie, so she wanted to watch my eyes to be especially sure.
I smiled down at her and pecked her lips, changing my mind as I began to pull back, so I held her face in my hands to keep her closer. I went in for another kiss and wrapped my arms around her waist. I could feel her smiling against my lips, giggling as I groaned 'cause I couldn't get her close enough to me.
Her feet lifted off the ground a bit from how much I was squeezing her and pulling her towards me, I missed this. Just randomly making out because we could. We hadn't in a while, there's been so much else on our minds this week...
Sighing, I let her go, and had to think for a minute about what It was she had asked me earlier, because in the heat of the moment I completely forgot.
''I'm fine. See you later.'' I said, pecking her lips again and giving her a gentle push.
She smiled and slipped her feet into her converse before stepping out the door.
Yes, she went out the door in nothing but my boxers and a big tee.
I smiled at the door, the direction she just left in, and went up to my room.
The boxers were so big on her tiny figure, that they honestly looked like proper shorts. They literally came to her knees, so it's not like she was being indecent, and she only had to go down the street.
Okay, so I know it's stupid, but I got a bit antsy the longer she was gone. I was okay to start with because I was in a good mood, but I didn't like to be alone and I kept looking at the clock to see when she'd get here.
It had been exactly twenty five minutes, and she said she'd be half an hour.
But she'd barely seen her parents this week, so I'm sure she'd be longer, they'd want to catch up. I felt a bit bad that I was keeping her from her family, but if she wanted to go home all she'd have to do was say. I wouldn't mind at all, I know I get upset when I'm alone, but I wouldn't keep her here against her will if she wanted to go home.
I hoped she didn't only stay with me because she felt obliged. I was going to have to talk to her about that, Rosie's too kind to say anything, so I really really hoped she was here because she wanted to be.
I didn't want her to feel suffocated from how clingy I'd been but I really needed her.
My phone rang, so I rolled off my bed from where I was staring aimlessly at the ceiling, and took it out of the pocket of the jeans that were lying on my floor.
The screen flashed 'MOM' so I quickly answered it, sitting back down as I spoke into the phone.
''Hello?''
''Josh...''
She was crying again.
''What's wrong?'' I asked, panicked. Please, dear God please don't let it be anything bad.
But as she began to explain, and tell me what had happened, I could barely hear her. All of her words blurred into one big jumble, and my reasonably okay morning went from okay, to one of the worst, with three, simple words.
She got worse.
My phone dropped to the floor. My eyes filled with tears again and I didn't know weather to run to Rosie, go to the hospital alone, or have a breakdown.
Rosie was with her family now, I couldn't disturb her.
I don't think I'd be able to drive very well right now, I'd end up killing myself.
So I did the last option on my list, and I had a break down, alone.
Rosie's P.O.V
I kissed Daddy's cheek on my way out the door, hugging Mom one last time before I swung my backpack full of clothes over my shoulder and jogged back over to Josh's house. I had completely run out of clothes and it was getting to the stage where I was literally living in Josh's boxers and shirts, so I really needed to get home and pack my own.
I didn't like leaving Josh on his own. I could tell he didn't want to be on his own but I was only leaving for a half an hour. I kept my phone on me at all times though in case he needed to call me or anything. I would be there for him in an instant.
He seemed to be having a relatively good day, which instantly put my mind at ease and put me in a great mood. I had told Mom and Daddy all about what had happened, and what Josh had been going through. I know he wouldn't like hem to know, but I needed to vent, and they were able to offer me some advice of how to make him feel better. Basically I had to just continue spoiling him and make sure I'm always there for him when he needed me.
He was so clingy this week, more so than he's ever been before, and I haven't complained once because I don't mind in the slightest. I love him to death and I would do any thing for him.
I jogged quickly up the street and let myself into his house. It had been forty minutes now, ten longer than I said I would be, but I didn't think it would make much difference. He said he would be fine, and I believed him because he was having a good day.
The first good day in over a week.
Oreo meowed loudly, running over to me. It's almost as if he was scared, but there was no reason for him to be, was there? I picked him up and carried him into the kitchen, setting him down in his bed before scratching his belly and making sure he had enough to eat and drink.
Josh must have been In his room, I couldn't see him down here so I jogged up the steps and over to his door.
I passed by Sasha's pink bedroom door, my heart breaking even more just by the sight of it. If it was any other kind of door, it wouldn't hurt so much, but the fact it was the only pink one in a hall full of white ones, it just screamed SASHA. It was special, different. Just like her.
I know it pained Josh to see that door every single day and know that his baby sister isn't behind it. To know she may never be behind it again.
I just hoped with all my heart that she would be. She had to come out of this, she was strong, she was beautiful, she was amazing, and she was the most loved little girl I had ever met. And that was only counting Josh's love, never mind the rest of her families.
When I pushed through Josh's bedroom door, smiling up a the 'keep out poster' that used to put me off coming in here before we were dating, I had to pause, just to check I had actually walked into the right room.
My eyes bulged and a startled gasp escaped my parted lips.
The bed was turned over, the wardrobe was on it's side, the book shelf was demolished, clothes, pens, books, his laptop, everything, lay in a big dishevelled pile on the floor. It looked like a bomb had gone off.
The pictures were shattered on the floor and there was barely anywhere to put my feet.
Josh was cowering in the corner, hugging his knees, curled into a ball.
I rushed over to him, flustered as I tried to figure out what in the name of God was going on here.
''Josh? Josh what happened, what's wrong?'' the panic was evident in my voice, I couldn't hold it back seeing this.
Nick's words rang deep in my ears.
'If you ever see him throwing things and trashing his room, then you know he's hit rock bottom again'
What happened?
''S-she got worse.'' he whimpered.
My heart shattered at how broken he sounded, his voice shook and his shoulders were trembling.
He was still in his little ball, not letting anything close to him, but I pulled on him until he loosened up and lay his head in my lap.
I stroked his hair and face, soothing him as he cried. His hand was cradled protectively against his chest, and I pulled back to see why.
Gently, I tugged his arm away from his chest, and almost got angry at what was wrong wit his hand.
It was red and swollen, and his knuckles were bleeding a little. They were scratched, and turning an unhealthy shade of purple, a contrast to his usual pale white complexion.
''What happened?'' I asked softly, kissing his sore hand gently as I continued to stoke his hair. He was still curled up with his head on my lap, and I had to strain to hear him when he mumbled his reply through his broken cries.
''I punched a wall.''
I closed my eyes, squeezing them shut tight.
If only I'd been here.
Why did I leave? Why for so long? All I had to do was grab my clothes and come back. Hell, I could have even brought him with me, WHY DIDN'T I? I can't believe I left him alone.
Look at him, he was scared, upset, hurt.
''It's okay Josh.'' I said quietly, linking my fingers with his good ones, while still cradling his hurt hand in my other.
It looked broken, he was seriously going to have to get that checked out when we went to the hospital.
He shook his head stubbornly, crying a little louder. He was struggling for breath as he gasped and hiccuped.
I pulled him up into a sitting position and he lay his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his back like a baby's and whispered soothing words into his ear.
''I just want her to be okay.'' he cried.
''I know Josh, we all do.''
He nodded against my shoulder, still holding onto me with his good hand.
''Josh, you're gonna have to get your hand checked out.'' I told him.
''Why?'' he asked, sniffing.
''Because it looks broken.'' I said, holding it by the wrist to his face so that he could see. He scrunched his dark eyebrows together, his silver bar in the right brow shining against the light from the window.
''Oh.'' he mumbled, wiping at his eyes with the hand I wasn't holding. He did it like he was ashamed, like it was pitiful to cry. He shouldn't be ashamed though, he should be proud that he was able to show emotion, that he was able to accept comfort in his time of need.
He wasn't getting very far with one hand, considering his face was completely wet with his painful tears, so I pushed his hand away and wiped under his eyes for him, gently taking away the dampness and kissing his forehead. My lips lingered on his pale skin, before I pulled back and looked into his eyes.
He got worse and worse each day.
''Come on, we'll go see Sasha and get your hand seen to okay?''
He nodded, smiling weakly as he swatted at another tear that escaped his tired, bloodshot baby blue eyes.
When we got to the hospital, it was late afternoon. Josh had to drive slowly because A, he was upset and you shouldn't drive when your upset, B, he had a broken hand, and C, he was so stressed out that he wasn't really paying attention anyway.
The first port of call was to go to the A&E to get his hand sorted out. And no, he hadn't broken it, but it was badly sprained. He had to get it all bandaged up in a cast and everything.
Josh was antsy the whole time though, he just wanted to see Sasha, but I made him see to his hand first. He could have seriously injured himself further though if it had been broken and he did nothing about it!
When we got there, Claire looked like she'd been tipped over the edge. Her hair was frazzled and her eyes were wide and bloodshot as she stared at nothing. She looked like a mad woman on crack, but I wouldn't say anything. I just smiled at her and sat down beside Josh.
Josh was smiling at Sasha, the first emotion he'd really shown towards her all week. He smiled lovingly as he stroked her little pink cheek with the back of his finger. I knew he was almost saying goodbye, it was written all over his face. He didn't want to, he wouldn't admit to it, but he was saying goodbye to his baby sister, because deep down he knew it was a lost cause.
I knew that too, I just didn't want to admit or think about it.
And we fell into silence again.
The only sound was the steady beating of the heart monitor that Sasha had been hooked up to since the first day she came here.
No matter what, no matter who was or wasn't talking, no matter what was said or done, no matter how hard it got or how bad anyone took the news, that's the one thing that stayed the same.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Sixty seconds, of sixty minutes, of twenty four hours, of every day.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The rest of their family obviously left yesterday, and maybe they would come back, maybe they wouldn't.
Who knows?
Eventually though, we ended up going home again. Josh tried saying goodbye to his Mom but she looked like he did that day last week when he exploded - Like a statue, incapable of emotion or movement.
We left and drove back in silence, before climbing out again. It was just past nine when we got back, and we sat together on the couch in the family room. There was no need for words, we both knew what the other was thinking.
We didn't put on the TV either, just sat in silence, in eachothers' embrace.
I hated how Josh couldn't catch a break. He was having a really good day today but yet something still had to go and make it worse again.
About an hour after we had gotten home, we were still in the family room together, when we heard the front door swing open haphazardly. It crashed against the wall, and an unfamiliar chuckled vibrated against the walls, along with Claire's giggling.
What...?
Josh's head snapped up from where it was snuggled into my chest, and he turned around just in time to see a tipsy looking Claire stumble in, holding onto the arm of some man a good ten years younger than her. They reeked of alcohol, their eyes were bloodshot like they were drunk and they could barely stand up strait.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
Neither could Josh by the looks of things. His eyes, red and swollen from crying widened, and his pink lips parted as he stared at her in shock, confusion, hurt.
I understood why too, he was hurt because his Mom was moving on with some man.
When they realised we were here, they grumbled to themselves and went to go upstairs, but Josh stopped them as he called out to his Mom.
''Mom, what are you doing?'' his voice was quiet and hurt, like a little boys.
She rolled her eyes.
''What does it look like I'm doing? It's worked so well for you all these years, so I figured I'd give it a go.'' she shrugged.
Even I flinched at that one.
Did she really just say that her own son?
Josh's eyes flashed with guilt, sorrow and remorse, but he covered it quickly and glared at the two in front of him.
''Mom, you can't do this.'' he said, shaking his head. He didn't want his Mom to just have sex with someone, I understood, especially considering it was around the time of his Dad's death.
But I also understood that Claire was upset, scared, all the same emotions that Josh was going through, and she was trying different tactics to distract herself. Drinking, and sex.
She was drunk, and I knew she didn't mean the harsh words she had said to Josh, but I could tell they still cut him deep.
''Who is this guy anyway?'' he spat, distastefully looking at the man. He had dark brown, almost black hair, and a very tanned complexion. His eyes were a dark colour with slight bags underneath them, and his lips appeared chapped and dry.
He looked like a major sleaze bag in his leather jacket and boots. Josh could pull of that look, hell even my Daddy can pull of that look, but this guy just looked like an ass.
''Josh, meet Kurt, Kurt, meet Josh.'' Claire said, waving her hand between them nonchalantly. She began pulling 'Kurt' over to the staircase again, and he followed her all too eagerly.
Josh's eyes flicked to me, and he shot me a helpless look. I bit my lip and held out my arms, not really knowing what else to say.
What could I say? There was clearly no stopping Claire from having sex with this man, all we could do was let her get it out of her system, and hope she came to her senses by tomorrow.
Josh squeezed me tight, sighing as we went up to his bedroom. He was so tired, I could tell, but I also knew he wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway. I knew he just lay there, while I slept. He couldn't sleep any more, no matter how much he wanted or needed to.
I hated seeing him so troubled, but there wasn't anything I could do about it.
I couldn't make Sasha better, nor could I give him his Dad back, all I could do was be here for him, and be his shoulder to cry on when he needed it.
Josh didn't bother changing as he fell face first onto his bed, groaning. I sat on the edge and rubbed his back gently, soothingly. He just lay there, exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
I didn't want to think about what was happening in the other room, it was pretty disturbing. But when bumps and bangs began to sound through the house, I cringed. If Claire heard us having sex, we were bound to hear her having sex.
I felt more sorry for Josh though. No child should ever have to hear a parent having sex. That's just....wrong.
But then muffled voices could be hears. Not the good kind though, it was like yelling.
''Kurt I said no!''
''Stop, Kurt stop it, I don't want to!''
''KURT STOP!''
That was all it took for Josh to realise something was wrong and he jumped up, running out of his room and towards his Mom's. Firstly, I knew Josh wasn't in the best state of mind right now. Secondly, I knew that of this Kurt guy was as dangerous as he looked, then I couldn't just let Josh go in there like that.
So I did the only thing I could think of.
I phoned my Daddy.
''Hello?'' he answered sleepily.
''Daddy? Daddy I need you to come to Josh's house, hurry!''
''Sweetheart what's the matter?'' he asked, waking up. I could hear him moving around in the background so I knew he was getting up.
''I don't know but I think someone's trying to hurt Claire, Josh went in to-''
I cut myself off as I rounded the corner, flustered as I saw Josh throw the guy on the ground and start punching him.
''JOSH STOP!'' I yelled, dropping my phone
Claire was cowering in the corner, pulling her shirt back on. It was ripped a little and I wouldn't be surprised if Kurt did that.
Josh, my baby. He looked so angry, so unlike himself it was frightening. He just kept punching, again and again, even when the guy's body fell limp and his protests turned into quiet groans.
The guy was bigger than Josh, but yet Josh had him pinned to the floor as he took everything out on his poor face.
And I mean everything.
His Dad, his Mom, Sasha. All the hurt and sadness came out there and then, the pent up anger, the fear.
''JOSH!'' I shouted again, trying to get through to him. He didn't even notice though, he just kept on hitting.
Tears were streaming down his face, hot, angry tears that never seemed to stop. ''Josh please!'' I pleaded. He was going to get in trouble. He was going to kill this man and there would be nothing anyone could do to stop him getting in trouble then. He already had a few points against him on his record from the fighting and the vandalism and everything else.
Daddy burst through the door, then, panicked and worried as he instantly looked to me to make sure I was okay.
''Stop him!'' I shouted, frantically. I was crying now too, struggling to breath at the thought of loosing Josh. I couldn't loose him, someone had to stop him and they had to do it now.
''Rosie I can't-''
''Please!'' I cut him off, sobbing. I had never experienced such pain before in my life. The thought of loosing Sasha. The thought of what Josh was going through. The fear for Claire and the horror of loosing the only thing making me happy in this town.
Daddy seemed unsure, and I barely even saw it as he eventually managed to rip Josh off the limp body of Kurt.
Daddy had Josh by the arms from behind, holding tightly in case he put up a fight, but Josh just slumped to the floor and cried, not even trying to wriggle out of my Dad's grasp.
His sorry, terrified eyes met mine, and for a horrifying moment I didn't think I could go over to him. I didn't think there was anything I could possibly do to make it any better, and there fore I had no purpose. I would only make matters worse.
But the pleading, lost little boy in Josh's eyes called to me and I rushed over to him.
Daddy hadn't let him go yet, still holding him, but when he noticed I was coming over he pulled Josh further away from me and yelled to stop.
But I ignored him.
I also ignored Claire's cries and sobs in the corner as Mom eventually caught up to us and went to comfort her on the floor.
I just fell to my knees in front of the boy I love more than anything and wrapped my arms around his neck. I squeezed him so tightly, thankful that Daddy realised he wasn't going to hurt me and let go of his arms so that he could wrap them around me. He cried loudly into my neck, shaking violently.
''I-I'm s-so sorry.'' he cried.
I shook my head.
''Shh, it's okay.''
''I didn-t m-mean t-to.'' he said.
''Josh, Josh it's okay, just breath.'' I told him.
He nodded and held onto me tightly, and for the first time wrapped both his arms and legs around me and clung to me for absolute dear life.
And it was then that I saw what a selfish, selfish person I was. Here Josh was, literally falling apart, because he was loosing his baby sister. He loved her more than anything in the world, a love so strong it was literally indescribable. I never realised it was possible for someone to love another as much as Josh loved Sasha. I thought I loved him more than possible, but I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.
''H-Hold me.'' he cried.
And I did.
There was no need to answer him then. There was nothing to say. He needed someone to hold him, so I held him, with all my might. Even when Daddy tried to get us to move from the floor, we stayed put. Even when he eventually stopped crying at about four in the morning, we stayed put. Even when Daddy had to bring Kurt to the hospital, we stayed put. Because he needed me, and I needed him. And nothing was ever going to change that.
It proved that we would always be there for each other in our times of need, that we would never leave one another alone to hurt. That we were in this together, forever, and always.