It's been a week since the Art Summer Course had started, and Gerard had stopped talking to me. The first few days he would say good morning, and stuff like that. But now, he treats me like I don't exist.
I don't know what I did.
The day after he the first day, he stopped calling me Jay. And the day after that, he stopped sitting with me during lunch. And now, we leave the room during different times. I don't really know what to do. I don't remember doing anything wrong, and if I did, I already apologized; but he would just brush it off with a, 'whatever'.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I feel...so sad, and angry too. And I can't stop feeling it everyday. It's slowly eating me up, and soon I'll be an empty shell.
Everytime I see his face, I want to cry; and I also want to bash it in. Why can't he fucking tell me what's going on. He might as well just move out of the room.
It was Sunday afternoon and I was seated on my desk. I was drawing as usual; and listening to some music through my CD player. Gerard got pretty pissed and broke one of my Iron Maiden CDs because I was playing them without headphones one time. So now, I don't make any noise. I'm scared on what he will do if I anger him. He got really scary sometimes, and now whenever I see him makes me feel hundred times smaller.
I was deep in thought until the ringing of my phone broke the silence. The caller ID said it was my mom. Having nothing to do I answered.
" Hey M-"
It didn't take long until an unfamiliar noise filled my ears, it as a sound that was very foriegn to me. She was crying. She never cried, and when she did, she made sure I wasn't around to see it. My eyebrows furrow, and I pay more attention to what my mother had been saying on the phone.
"Jade! Oh my god Jade, Honey. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." She said through her sobs. My heart races faster as I comprehend her words, something was telling me that the reason for her call was not pleasant.
"Mom? What's going on? Why are you crying?"
"Honey, your grandmother... She's.... been in a... oh my god, she's been in a car accident." My mom whispered the last words but I could hear them, loud and clear.
My Grandma Helen. No, it couldn't be.She couldn't be dead. No.
"Is she....dead?" I say softly, I was surpised my mother even heard me.
"...yes..."
I thew my phone at the wall. The device exploded into tiny pieces. I wanted scream out, and I think I did.
It felt like something tore a big chunk from my heart. It felt unreal. Not my grandma. She was the only person that understood me. She was the person who made me feel like myself. She was the person to tell me how being different and unique is okay. I never talked about her to anyone else, she was too personal. She is a big part of me, or I guess was. I wanted to cry, and I did. I cried for about an hour straight. Alternating between quietly crying, and screaming.
I forgot that Gerard was also in the room with me, because when I walked out of my room to get some water; he was standing there. I don't know if he was pissed, or concerned. I couldn't care less. I divert my gaze to the floor, and ignore the face that I had been missing for a week.
"Jade, why are you crying?"
I push past him, and open the fridge. I take the only bottle wine in the fridge, and a pack of beers. I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing until I had emptied the fridge from all its alcohol; I was a huge drinker, it ran in the family.
I walk back to my room and lock it. I put on my headphones and drown myself with alcohol and music. Even though I put my volume up high, I could still hear Gerard pounding on my door.
"Jade, are you okay?!" He shouted.
"I'M O-FUCKING-KAY, TRUST ME." I shout back. Then the banging stops, and he leaves.
Believe it or not, I want his company so bad. But I also want to be alone. I also remember this past week, and in came in all the hatred. I can't fucking move. I can't fucking breathe. How do I do this? I've lost 2 people that mean the world to me this week. How am supposed to fucking function. I finished all my drinks, and my head starts to hurt, but I don't care. I lie down on my bed. I stare at the ceiling, and feel the flow of tears roll down my cheek; I don't wipe them off. I can't move my arms. I stay like that for the rest of the night. I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. I was waiting for another call from my mom. Saying how there has been a mistake, and how she isn't dead. I pray so hard that she isn't dead.
"Can you hear me Grandma Helen? I miss you, and I really need you right now.
Grandma?
Are you near me? I can't feel you.
C'mon Grandma, you can't be dead. It's not fair. You never got to see how I ended up. I was going to show you all of my famous drawings, and I was going to introduce you to Gerard...We aren't friends right now, but he's great. He's amazing, Helen. I love him, Grandma; I love him so much it hurts. And I love you so much.
Why did you leave me? I know it's not your fault, but can we just pretend that you're still here with me?
Because I can't.
I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't feel anything. How am I supposed to go on? You taught me everything and more. How do you expect me to go on. You're dead, Grandma. And I'm still alive, and I wish that it wasn't. I wish you were here with me right now.
Please.
Don't.
Be.
Dead.
Because I need you to fix me, I'm not okay, I promise."
It took me a while to realize that I had said everything aloud. Maybe she can hear me better like that.
"Grandma?"
And I swear, I swear to god I heard something say,
"Oh Jade, I am so, so sorry..."
And that's when I passed out. Drowned in my own tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gerard's POV
I love her.
I can't stop thinking about her. I can't get her out of my head. And that terrifies me.
After taking her to her Photography class, I was filled with different emotions. And one that I had never felt before; love. I never loved someone this much. It was strange. I only had known her for 3 days, and I already love her.
Who wouldn't? She is the most amazing person I have ever met. She's beautiful, talented, funny, smart and has great taste in music. She's so sensitive, and vulnerable; it makes me want to hug her all the time. But I'm so confused. I don't know what to do with this emotion. Do I tell her about how I feel about her? But what if she doesn't like me back.
When class is over, I leave and walk to the nearest coffee shop. I sit there for hours. I couldn't get my mind of her blue eyes. And how different they looked when she laughed, and when she cried.
I don't want to hurt her. That's the last thing I want to do. So what should I do? Ignore it? Maybe if I ignore her long enough, all this love will get away. And maybe that would be better for both of us.I mean, eventually we will have to leave each other after 3 months. So starting a relationship won't be an ideal idea.
I am kicked out of the coffee shop due to the fact that it is already 9 pm. I sigh, and head back to the main building.
Oh god what am I going to tell her? Will she be pissed? Will she be waiting for me. Both of the predictions were wrong. When I returned to our room she was in her room. She didn't seem pissed but a little upset. And I felt horrible. I felt horrible lying to her. I left her room after that, and I drew her again. I have a whole book fulled of sketches of her. It helps me get my mind of things. I've drawn her so many times that I memorized exactly how each part of her face looks like. I don't want to ignore her, but that's the best thing I could do. I don't want to be the person to hurt her. Especially after what she had to go through during her high school.
The next few days were weird. She picked up on the fact that I don't want to talk to her anymore. But she seemed so upset when she saw me. The first few days I sat with her during lunch break. But since she kept on asking me what was wrong all the time, I left. I didn't have any other friends, so I sat alone. On the other side of the cafeteria, but in a place where I could see her; and everyday I watched her eat. Which saddened me more; as she would cry sometimes. Just a silent cry, I watched her try to blink the tears away, and take deep breaths so that no one could see how sad she was.
But I was doing the right thing.
We rarely saw each other. We both were in our rooms most of the time, and the only times we saw each other was in the mornings. We both just drew, and listened to music. Well, I guess used too. I broke one of her CDs one time because I was in a bad mood, and I felt bad right after. She looked like a little kid, a kid whose dreams were snapped right in front of them. She stopped playing her music after that. Which sucked, because I loved all the songs she would play.
It was Sunday afternoon. I had finished my 46th drawing of Jade when I hear scream. The loud noise made me jump, as it broke the silent atmosphere.
It came from Jade's room. Something was wrong. I walked out into the living room, I see Jade walking out. She's crying.
"Jade, why are you crying?" I ask her, those being the only words I have said all week to her.
But she doesn't answer. She pushes right past me and takes all the alcohol from our fridge. It took me a while to figure out what she was doing sinceI didn't know she drank. So I followed her as she went to her room. She slammed the door and locked it in my face, but I stay there. Banging on the door. I kept asking her if she was okay. She finally answers with,
"I'M O-FUCKING-KAY, TRUST ME."
She wasn't okay. There was so much pain hidden in those words. I stop banging on the door, and sit down against it. I stay there the whole night, she didn't sleep. I listened to her silent sobs, and her loudest screams. Something was terribly wrong. And I was dying to know what. I then started to her some whispering. I press my ears on her door to listen in,
"-I really need you right now.
Grandma?
Are you near me?I can't feel you.
C'mon Grandma, you can't be dead. It's not fair. You never got to see how I ended up. I was going to show you all of my famous drawings, and I was going to introduce you to Gerard. We aren't friends right now, but he's great. He's amazing, Helen. I love him, Grandma; I love him so much it hurts. And I love you so much.
Why did you leave me? I know it's not your fault, but can we just pretend that you're still here with me?
Because I can't.
I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't feel anything. How am I supposed to go on? You taught me everything and more. How do you expect me to go on. You're dead, Grandma. And I'm still alive, and I wish that it wasn't. I wish you were here with me right now.
Please.
Don't.
Be.
Dead.
Because I need you to fix me, I'm not okay, I promise."
Oh god, her grandma died. I can't imagine.
She's praying. She's trying to talk to her grandmother.
She told her that she loved me. That was the only thing I could think about. I am such a jerk. I feel terrible. This whole week I've ignored her, and now her grandma dies. She needs someone, and the only person who she has stopped talking to her. She probably hates me so much. I don't blame her. I am deep in thought until I hear her tiny voice,
"Grandma?"
There was so much confusion, and pain. I could hear it through the one word she had said. She sounded like a little kid.
"Oh Jade, I am so, so sorry..." I whisper back. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. And soon her sobs died out, and everything was quiet.
She must have passed out,
and I done the same.