When I woke up, I really didn't want to open my eyes. I knew I was gonna be in a lot of pain from sleeping on the floor all night, and to be honest I just couldn't be bothered. I was just about warm, but not the kind of warm I get after sleeping with Josh's arms around me.
Slowly, I peeled open my eyes, expecting the pain to hit, but when it didn't, and I noticed I was in Josh's room, by brows knitted together in confusion.
I thought I fell asleep on the floor downstairs?
Shrugging it off, Josh must have carried me up, I groaned quietly and turned over, smiling when I didn't feel any kind of discomfort. See? That's an advantage of having an amazingly sweet boyfriend.
When I came face to face with more blanket, and no Josh, I sat up, a little confused as I looked at the alarm clock on the night stand. It was six forty in the morning, in other words, far too early to be up.
Josh's side of the bed was cold, as in the kind of cold when nobody's been in the bed for ages, or maybe hadn't even been slept in.
I rubbed at my sleep filled, tired eyes with the palms of my hands, yawing loudly and stumbling out of bed.
I wanted to know where Josh was, if he carried me to bed then he was definitely here, but yet he wasn't in bed, and obviously hadn't been for quite sometime, and it was really, really early in the morning.
Slowly, and carefully, I gripped hold of the banisters to make sure I didn't fall down the stairs in my sleepily disorientated state.
I could hear movement in the kitchen, so I walked in that direction, still wearing my onsie from last night. I hugged myself to keep warm, smiling at Claire who sat hunched over a cup of coffee at the breakfast bar.
Her head popped up when I walked in, and she smiled at me, although it seemed a little forced.
''Morning Rosie.'' she said quietly.
''Morning.'' I said back, trying to keep my tone light, rather than show the concern as to why she seemed so down.
Her eyes were a little red and blood shot, and she was up and about very early, although she was still in her dressing gown and slippers.
''Is everything okay?'' I asked her, sitting down opposite her on the other side of the breakfast bar.
She nodded, trying to brighten her smile, but I still saw through it. I wasn't going to pry though, it wasn't my place.
I smiled and nodded, pretending I believed her before speaking.
''Do you know where Josh is?'' I asked, curiously, yawning again.
Her fake smile fell instantly and she averted my gaze, instantly making me even more worried.
''Claire?'' I pushed.
''I don't know where he is.'' she mumbled.
''It's just that it's really early and I don't think he's been in bed for ages...'' I told her, trailing off.
She sighed deeply, before taking a deep breath and meeting my eyes again. The sadness I saw in them shook me to my very soul, making me begin to panic. Was something wrong with Josh? What was going on here?
''Rosie...'' she started, obviously trying to think of how to word it, ''Today isn't a very good day for Josh.'' she told me.
My eyebrows furrowed in thought as I tried to figure out why, or what she was talking about, but I came up blank.
''What do you mean? Is he okay?'' I worried.
She nodded, ''Yes Rosie, don't worry he's okay, it's just today....It's the anniversary of his Dad, he's normally pretty distant.''
I fell silent as I realised what was wrong, and it barely took me a second for my brain to process it before I had stood up and wrapped my arms around Claire.
''Claire I'm so sorry, if there's anything you need just let me know.'' I told her seriously.
She shook her head, ''Just be there for Josh.'' she told me.
I nodded, letting her go and sitting back down again.
I felt awful, this woman was trying to stay strong for the sake of her two children when she should have been grieving herself.
''What are you doing today?'' I asked her, trying to keep her mind off things.
As soon as I knew that Claire was going to be okay I was going to have to find Josh or something, I wanted to make sure he was all right, I couldn't bare the thought of him being alone and upset.
''I'm bringing Sasha to nursery, going to the grave yard, and then picking her up again, after that I'm probably just going to stay in, I don't really like to go out much on these days.'' she said sadly.
I nodded in understanding.
''Yeah I understand, if you need me to help you with Sasha today or anything just let me know, I don't mind at all.'' I said, honestly.
She smiled gratefully, ''Thanks Rosie, you're a lovely girl, you know that?''
I blushed, not meeting her eyes again.
''Thanks.'' I mumbled, embarrassed.
She laughed softly, taking my hand in hers.
''Rosie, Josh can get really bad this time of year... He's been okay up until now, surprisingly, and I think that has something to do with you. But today's the one day he's never okay, no matter what he tells you.'' she explained.
I bit my lip, my chin beginning to tremble slightly.
''Where do you think he went?'' I asked quietly, almost a whisper. I didn't trust my voice to speak.
I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to hold him and make sure everything was okay, I couldn't stand not knowing where he was, I can't believe nobody told me what day it was today!
She squeezed my hand, noticing my worry.
''Sweety it's okay, I don't know where he is but he'll be fine, don't worry about him.''
''I can't help it.'' I mumbled, my mind going into over drive as I tried to figure out where he could possibly be.
As overly protective and pathetic as it sounded, I just wanted him near me at all times so that I could make sure he was okay and nothing happened to him. I wanted to hug him and tell him I loved him, and even if he was too proud to admit he was upset and accept my comfort, I still wanted to offer it to him, because I would see through the wall he builds up around himself.
I didn't want him to suffer any more, nobody ever helped him before, and I wanted to help him now.
I know he misses his Dad more than he lets on, and it's obvious he is who he is today because he's an angry, frustrated, upset boy who doesn't know how else to cope. I didn't like the thought of any of those things, period, never mind this time of the morning, while he's alone, and every emotion intensified due to what day it is.
I stood up, walking into the family room and began to pack up my things, looking for my phone in the process.
It went to voice mail every time I called him, so I sighed and carried it upstairs with me, going to get dressed so that I could do something.
You may be wondering why I can't just leave him alone? I love him too much, and after the things I've heard, I refuse to let him get that bad again. If I could help, in any way, I was gonna.
Josh's P.O.V
''Josh.''
''Josh?''
''Josh seriously go and see Rosie before you do something stupid.''
''JOSH!''
I flinched, snapping at Liam as he put his hand on my shoulder.
''WHAT?''
He didn't seem phased in the slightest.
''Josh.'' he said calmly. ''Go and see Rosie, before you do something stupid.'' he said, slowly like I was special or something.
I was feeling a little defensive and agitated, I kept jumping at little things and snapping at everyone.
''I don't need to go and see Rosie. Why would I need to go and see Rosie?'' I asked, speaking a little faster than normal for some reason.
He sighed, gesturing with his eyes to my hands.
Again, defensively, my eyes flicked down, and I glared as I noticed one hand scratching at the other wrist.
I didn't even notice I was doing it.
I wanted to cut.
So sue me.
Nobody seemed to notice our exchange, and I ignored Liam from then on, continuing to throw on my hockey gear.
I didn't wanna be here. I wanted to go home and I did need Rosie before I did something stupid, but coach would have killed me if I didn't show up, there was a game soon and we needed to get in all the extra practice we could get.
Even if that meant going on the anniversary of your dead father's death, when all you wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die.
I felt like shit, I'd been up from about one in the morning, and I hadn't even attempted to get back to sleep, I got up, got dressed, and drove around for hours. It's a good thing we have money cause I basically drained my oil tank. If we were poor, wasting money like that wouldn't be the best thing to have done.
Zack and Craig finished off getting ready and came over to see us, looking at me worriedly like I would blow at any second, like a bomb or something.
Jesus I wasn't that bad.
Okay maybe I was.
My mind was other places and I was getting dressed so much slower than everyone else, I just couldn't concentrate on anything and I didn't wanna be here, I was ready to explode and have a serious break down any second and I didn't want it to be in front of anyone. Besides, it wasn't gonna help anything, it wasn't gonna bring my Dad back. It had been five years.
FIVE YEARS and I still haven't got him back. Nothing was gonna make this any better. The only thing that would remotely improve my mood right now was Rosie, and she was at home, doing god knows what, probably not even aware of what today is.
Unless Mom told her, which she probably did.
My phone was off because I knew everyone would be trying to phone me today, and ask me where I was, and I really didn't feel like talking.
I didn't even wanna be near the guys today, but that I had no choice in.
''Davis!'' Couch yelled in his gruff voice, sticking his head out of his office positioned on the other side of the changing rooms.
My head snapped up and I looked at him curiously, walking quickly over to him when he motioned with his head for me to come.
What the hell did he want?
He let me into his office and shut the door behind me, sitting down at his desk and telling me to sit opposite him. I did, silently and watched him get comfy in his seat before he spoke.
''Son I know this is a hard time for you.'' he started.
Oh great, sympathy. That's all I need.
I don't want sympathy, I want my Dad back.
''But there's a game coming up as you know, and we all need to be focused.''
I almost rolled my eyes.
He expected me to be focused?
''Especially you Davis, got a scout coming in just to see you, only you and you've gotta impress him.'' he told me.
''Me?'' I asked, confused.
''You're the best player on this team son, he wants to offer you a scholarship, but you've gotta play your best this Christmas or its a no go.''
I remained silent.
Was he serious?
He smiled, it made his already chubby face look a little rounder, and his dimples seamed to be drowning in his cheeks but his eyes sparkled and he nodded his head in silent confirmation.
Oh right.
Um...
Sure.
He sighed when I didn't respond.
''Do you not want to do hockey at college? You've got talent Josh, you can't waste this.'' he said seriously, shaking his head.
I couldn't think of anything to say.
To be honest, I was too busy moping to think about college, or my career. I couldn't make those kinds of decisions on my own as it was, never mind when I wasn't feeling great and I wasn't thinking strait.
''I'll give you some time to think about it, I know you're not in the right state of mind right now, but get back to me soon okay?''
I nodded my head, trying to smile but it came off more of a grimace.
He understood though, I'm not sure how he knew about my Dad, but he did, so I was kinda grateful that he did and wasn't going to yell at me for not being able to answer him.
In a bit of a daze, I excited his office and finished getting ready, ignoring the curious looks I got from everyone on the team, never mind Zack, Craig and Liam. My hands went back to scratching my wrists and I followed everyone out onto the ice.
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes as the skates glided over the ice gracefully. The opposite of how I was feeling. That's the problem with me, I never know how to deal with anything and I end up getting angry and doing something stupid and irrational.
Rosie's literally the only person who's ever stopped that, and I knew it was a dumb move by not staying with her today, but I was proud and I didn't want her to see me this week. I was a mess today and I didn't want to worry or upset her, I won't be able to take her being upset on top of everything else. The wall will crumble and I'll fall apart.
I was right on the edge, and the smallest thing would make me crack, I needed to stay the hell away from anything that was likely to set me off today cause I don't think I'll be able to control it. I never have been able to on these days, and without Rosie today I still won't be able to.
Coach blew the whistle, sending a pointed look in my direction as the puck went flying and the game began, it all sort of merged together in my mind and I wasn't paying attention to be honest, I definitely wasn't playing my best and I could tell coach was getting pissed off.
I just wanted to go home, that's all I wanted. I wanted Rosie and I wanted to sleep because I was fucking tired. I didn't want to see the disproving looks from coach every time I missed or spaced out, and I didn't wanna hear the abuse being yelled from my team every time I made us loose a point, even though we were playing against ourselves.
I didn't wanna remember what happened five years ago and I didn't want a constant reminder that I was never getting my Dad back.
I hated feeling like this.
A few of the guys started wolf whistling, and I was vaguely aware of the main doors opening and rushed footsteps running in, but I didn't think much of it, ignoring it and continuing on with the game.
I was distracted enough without worrying over who had come in.
Some times a few of the guys' girlfriends would come in and watch, so I presumed that's who it was considering all the wolf whistles.
That was until Coach blew his whistle and called me off the ice.
Rosie's P.O.V
Claire had brought Sasha to nursery a while ago, and I had been at home for ages, just lounging around the house in my sweats.
I couldn't get a hold of Josh, but I knew that if he needed me, he would call or something. Sometimes you just want to be left alone, I think that's how Josh feels right now. He obviously had his phone turned off so that people couldn't get through to him. I understood that Josh was a pretty proud and emotionally closed off person, so I could accept it that he didn't want anyone to see him if he was upset.
I knew that if he needed me he would call me, and I needed to trust him enough to accept that.
Nobody was home, Mom and Daddy were both at work, on a Sunday, yes, they were busy, and I was stuck at home by myself.
I think the boys had hockey practice today, but I couldn't be sure if Josh had bothered to go. He might have, because apparently there's a 'big game' coming up, but then if he wasn't feeling up to it I'm sure everyone would understand.
I had literally just curled myself into a ball on the sofa in front of the TV, a nice big mug of hot chocolate in my cold hands, when I heard my mobile ringing from upstairs. Instantly thinking of Josh, I set down the mug and jogged up the stairs, diving onto my bed and lifting the phone seconds before it rung off.
''Hello?'' I gasped, a little breathlessly. Yeah, running up the stairs will do that to you when your as unfit as me.
''...Rosie?''
It took me a second or too to recognise the broken voice at the other end of the line, but when I did, I was a bit confused.
''Claire?''
''Yeah.'' she said, her voice cracking again.
''Claire what's the matter?'' I worried, curious as to what was wrong. Maybe the memories of her late husband were becoming too much for her and she needed me to look after Sasha for the day?
''I, I need you to get Josh for me.''
''Of course.'' I nodded vigorously. ''Is everything okay?''
I was trying to balance the phone between my shoulder and ear at the same time as I pulled on my pink converse, ready to find Josh for Claire.
''No, Rosie I need you to get him to the hospital for me, I can't leave.''
A small sob escaped her lips and my stomach knotted. Just at the mention of hospital I knew something serious had happened. But what? And to who?
''Claire...'' I said, my voice beginning to shake. ''Tell me what's happened.''
My voice may have shaken but my words remained forceful as I insisted she told me. Right now I was thinking the worst and I needed her to tell me before I have to go and get Josh in case I have to break any news to him.
''Rosie...'' she cried. ''There was an accident.''
I have never, ever run so fast in my life.
It didn't matter that I was unfit, and had the biggest stitch in the world.
It didn't matter that I had no other way of getting to Josh but running there, I just had to get to him.
I was panting heavily as I finally burst through the doors of the ice rink, not even knowing for sure if this was where he was. My mind kind of went into auto pilot mode and I knew that even if Josh wasn't here, SOMEONE was bound to know where he was.
The chills of the ice nipped at my bare arms but I didn't stop, my head frantically whipping in all directions, only sort of noticing the wolf whistles from a few boys.
There were loads of them on the ice, they all looked the same to me, passing the puck between them, practising for the big game. I couldn't tell any of them apart, as I stopped for a split second to see if I recognised any of them, so I continued running until I found some guy who looked like a coach. There was a whistle hanging from his neck and a clip board in his chubby hands.
He was balding, and looked miserable, but right now he was my only hope.
''Excuse me.'' I wheezed, the lack of oxygen catching up to me.
He looked down at me distastefully, an eyebrow raised.
''Yes?''
''Josh....'' I stopped again for air. ''Is Josh Davis here?''
He sighed obviously not amused by my presence, but to be honest I wasn't amused with his wasting my time.
''He's right over there little lady, but you're gonna have to wait till after practise, these boys got a big-''
''I KNOW THAT! Do you really think I would be here if this wasn't important? I need you to get him for me!'' I shouted in his face.
He looked completely taken aback, but still needed a little convincing.
I rolled my eyes, shoving his chest.
''WOULD YOU JUST GET HIM!''
That's all it took for him to stumble forward and blow his whistle loudly.
All the boys who were speed skating around on the ice slowed to a stop and they all turned to look at their coach curiously.
''Davis!'' the fat man yelled.
One of the boys' heads snapped up, almost defensively, and he skated forward as the coach gestured him to with his hand.
It was Josh.
As he came to the edge of the ice he pulled the helmet off his head and stepped off, his eyes instantly locking with mine, a mixture of curiosity, confusion and worry.
I gave him a weak smile, doing everything in my power not to break down. I had to stay strong for him, he was gonna need me and I couldn't be a mess.
''What's going on?'' he asked quietly, stepping hesitantly over to me. Every other guy on the ice was still watching us like hawks, wanting to know what the commotion was about, but I couldn't pay them any attention as I took Josh's gloved hand tightly in mine.
''Josh.'' I breathed, brushing the side of his face with my free hand.
I couldn't believe what I was about to tell him. And a selfish part of me didn't want to. I didn't want to have to be the person to make this day even worse for him, I didn't want to be the person to tell him his world was literally about to crash down around him.
He was a little paler than normal, and his eyes looked tired and bloodshot – a tell tale sign that he hadn't slept last night.
''Is there somewhere we can talk?'' I asked, sort of aiming it at the coach too.
The confused and put out man nodded and gestured to a door, not to far away and ushered us in. Josh was a lot taller than normal in his ice skates, making me feel even tinier than usual.
He let me pull him, silently trailing behind. I think he knew something serious had happened. I wouldn't be here other wise.
The coach led us through the large, cluttered changing rooms, over to another door and into a small office. He closed the door to give us some privacy, and Josh and I sat down in the seats beside each other.
My heart was thumping in my chest and my lip was quivering, but I held It back and took a deep breath.
''Rosie?'' Josh asked quietly, his eyes boring into mine.
I smiled at him sadly, taking both his hands in mine after he had taken off his gloves and set them on the desk.
His hands were cold and shaking slightly, I bit my lip, meeting his eyes, and breaking the news.
''Your Mom called me.'' I started, trying to break it slowly. ''She wanted me to get you and bring you to the hospital.''
''...Why?'' he asked, confused.
I pulled him a little closer, placing a light kiss on his forehead before I continued.
''Josh, It's Sasha.'' I whispered.
If it was possible, his face paled even more.
''W-What happened?'' he stuttered, his eyes widening visibly.
''I don't really know,'' I told him, my voice breaking, ''All your Mom said was that there was an accident and she needed me to get you, That's all I know!''
I rushed out the last bit as he opened his mouth to object and insist that I knew more. I honestly didn't though, that's why I was so upset, I didn't know if Sasha was okay or not, but by the sound of things, it wasn't looking good.
He remained silent for a long time, staring into space, I could see the worry in his eyes and almost hear his erratically beating heart.
''Josh?''
No answer.
''Josh, come on we'll go to the hospital now, I'm sure she'll be fine.'' I tried to reassure him.
He nodded weakly, standing up and walking slowly into the changing room and over to his stuff.
I ignored the fact that he blatantly stripped off everything aside from his underwear right in front of me, knowing it wasn't exactly the time for my innocence to be making a comeback.
He was just staring into space again, and if I'm honest he looked like he was going to be sick.
The white of his face got greener and greener as the seconds passed, and when he finally pulled a shirt over his head and slipped hi feet into his shoes, he completely disregarded the hockey clothes he had left on the bench and walked quickly through the door, not making eye contact and not bothering to wait for me.
Sighing and running a hand through my hair, I jogged out the door too, the bitter cold air nipping at me again as I followed after Josh's ever retreating back.
Zack, Craig and Liam stood just outside the changing room doors, staring after Josh in confusion, until they noticed me, and Liam grabbed my arm to stop me walking away.
It was a gentle grasp, but I didn't have time to stop.
''Rosie what's going on?'' he asked, worried. I understood that he was worried about Josh, he was one of his best friends and I'm sure all three boys knew what this day meant for Josh.
''There's been an accident, I don't know what happened but Sasha's in hospital.'' I rushed out, very aware of the fact Josh would actually leave without me if I didn't hurry up.
''WHAT?'' all three boys exclaimed, panicked.
''Look I have to go, meet us at the hospital or something!'' I called over my shoulder as I ran out the door and jumped in Josh's car.
I was surprised to find him sitting there waiting for me, but never the less buckled up my seatbelt and watched him carefully.
He was gripping the steering wheel ridiculously tightly, his knuckles turning white and he was taking deep breaths as he waited for me.
He was panicking, I could tell. He didn't know what to think and he was already upset about his Dad. Now he's thinking the worst had happened to his baby sister and to be honest it could have. We didn't know any more than what Claire told me.
He started the car, keeping his icy gaze on the road ahead of him as he drove, maybe a little fast, towards the hospital.
I knew better than to bother him about speed limits though, not when he was as flustered and panicked as he was right now.
My heart ached, literally. I didn't know if I was more worried and upset about Sasha, or about Josh and what he must be going through right now. I wanted to make him feel better and tell him that everything would be fine but I didn't know that I hadn't even seen Sasha yet.
''Josh?'' I said quietly.
''What?'' he snapped, not taking his eyes off the road.
I flinched at the cold tone of his voice, recoiling back into my seat slightly.
He seamed to notice this and cringed, taking my hand in his.
''Sorry. What is it?'' he asked quietly. He had been really quiet since I saw him today, and I knew it was from both his Dad, and now the worry about Sasha. But yet he still seemed to be keeping so strong, so manly. I know I love that about him but it's okay to show weakness, I wouldn't have judged him.
I smiled at him sadly, telling him the only thing I knew I could.
''I love you.''
His lip turned up slightly in the smallest smile, but it was there. He squeezed my hand tightly, breathing out the air he was holding in.
''I love you too.'' he told me, flashing me a glance.
His voice was still a little shaky and uncertain, but that was only to be expected. He wouldn't be okay until he knew his baby sister was.
I know Sasha's almost five, and she's a lot bigger than a baby, but Josh has always referred to her as his baby sister, regardless.
The car pulled up in a parking space and Josh let go of my hand to climb out, shutting the door behind him and walking quickly to my side to hold my hand again.
It didn't seem to be enough for him though, so he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me in closer.
It was a small gesture, one that would go unnoticed by most but I could tell he just needed that little bit of comfort and reassurance that someone was there for him.
I was there for him, and I always would be.
We pushed through the wide, double glass doors and walked to reception, Josh's face paling even more.
He had gone from his natural pale, to paler, to almost white, to green to greener, to actual white, to practically blue, in the space of an hour.
His grip on my hand was vice like as we made our way to the reception, and I quickly told them who we were here to see.
The kind old woman at the desk told us Sasha's room number and we followed her directions, Josh falling silent again as we looked at the room numbers leading up to the one we were aiming for.
As I stopped outside the pale wooden door, a small glass window only allowing us to see in a little bit, I took a deep breath, and waited for Josh to make the first move.
You couldn't see Sasha or anyone from the small amount of room what the thin strip of window allowed you to view. I still had no idea as to what was happening or how anyone was, all I knew was that Josh seemed to be panicking even more as he took one last deep, shaky breath and pushed through the door.
Josh's P.O.V
I took in a deep, shaky breath, before pushing through the door.
I wanted this to be a bad dream.
I wished it was a bad dream.
I longed with all my heart to wake up and have my baby sister in my arms like nothing was wrong.
But you know what?
Instead I walked into a cramped hospital room, to find her tiny little body hooked up to a ridiculous amount of machines, pale and fragile looking as she slept. Or at least I hoped she was sleeping.
Mom was sitting at her bedside, holding her tiny hand in her own as she cried silently, her eyes constantly fixed on Sasha's small frail form.
Silently, slowly, I walked over to her bed and took the seat across the bed from my Mom, taking Sasha's hand in mine and giving it a light squeeze.
I couldn't take my eyes off her face. She just looked so calm, if it weren't for the paleness of her skin, you would have thought everything was okay, that she was just a peacefully sleeping four year old.
The only sound was the steady beet from the monitors attached to Sasha, and the quiet whimpers of my Mom.
I stared blankly at Sasha's face, barely listening as Rosie asked my Mom what had happened and she continued to cry and tell her that there was a car accident, that there was a drunk driver and that they hit Sasha's side of the car.
It was then that I noticed the many cuts and bruises on her little body.
Little red cuts and scraps, purple patches and what looked like stitches littered her face, neck, arms and what you could see of her chest in the hospital gown.
There was a cast on her left arm and one the whole length of her right leg.
She was broken.
Like a doll, she actually looked like a doll that a kid got fed up with and abandoned, and it got eaten by their dog or something fucked up like that.
I know I said before that kids fall all the time and barely ever get hurt, it's like they're wrapped up in bubble wrap and they just bounce back. But not when it counts. Not when you really need them to bounce back.
I zoned out as Mom told Rosie about the coma, about the damage that was done and that she mightn't wake up. I didn't want to know that.
I couldn't listen to it.
Everything was too familiar and I wouldn't be able to hold it in if I stopped to dwell on anything.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
I told myself the same thing over and over, and it was a wonder how I managed to listen to myself and hold it together.
Normally you tell yourself not to do something over and over but you end up doing it anyway 'cause you just can't stop it, but I think at this stage I was just so numb that any emotion was incapable of making itself seen on my face.
I was completely ignoring everyone from then on. I literally couldn't speak, hell, at one stage I couldn't even fucking breath.
I ignored Mom as she cried and tried to get my attention. I ignored Rosie as she ran her fingers through my hair and tried to get me to respond. I ignored Zack, I ignored Liam and I ignored Craig as they tried to talk to me too.
I even ignored the doctors when they came in and told us that visiting hours where over and only immediate family where allowed to stay, and when the guys all left.
They weren't going to give me my baby sister back, and they certainly weren't going to make me feel better about how this couldn't have happened on a worse fucking day for me, so why should I respond when it was only going to make me snap?
Earlier on I wanted to go home and be with Rosie. I wanted her to just be there and get me through the worst day of the year.
Now? I just want to be left alone, I want a fucking break. I want my Dad back and I want my baby sister to be okay!
The more I thought about it the worse I felt, and I was so tired, I was struggling to keep my eyes open.
It had been almost forty eight hours since I slept, and it was beginning to catch up on me. I had slept Friday night but not Saturday night.
I yawned for the billionth time that night, closing my eyes tightly as they stung and ached with how tired I was.
Nothing hurt as much as the sight of Sasha laying there though.
Knowing she mightn't ever wake up again.
Knowing I was going to loose her like I lost my Dad. On the same day. At the same time.
In the same way...
Rosie appeared in front of me when I opened my eyes after a minute of trying to stay awake at the same time as resting my eyes.
''Josh.'' she said, pausing to see if she got a reaction out of me.
She didn't.
''Josh come on, you need to sleep, we'll come back in the morning okay?''
I shook my head, silently refusing.
She sighed, pulling on my arm.
''Josh seriously, get up.'' she insisted, her voice demanding.
It didn't phase me in the slightest that she was bossing me around, had it been anyone else, especially right now, I would have punched them.
But to be honest I didn't have the energy to object any more, and she was bothering the shit out of me pulling on my arm like that.
I sighed, kissing Sasha's forehead, letting go of her hand for the first time since we got here and standing up.
Rosie seemed pretty pleased that she got me to stand up, so she smiled sadly and took my hand, squeezing it and pulling me a little.
Mom had fallen asleep a while ago apparently, she was still in the same place and position as she was when I got here, her face a little red and blotchy from crying.
It hurt seeing Mom like that.
It reminded me of what she was like when we lost Dad.
I still felt like I was going to be sick.
The same way I'd felt since Rosie told me what had happened.
It didn't hit me until we almost got to the front doors, that there was no way we were actually getting home.
I couldn't drive when I was this tired, I would literally fall asleep at the wheel and I didn't think Rosie could drive.
I hadn't ever asked her before but...I just presumed she couldn't.
Rosie seemed distraught though, and even though it was obvious I was in a much worse state, I didn't want to upset Rosie any more.
Okay, looks like we're risking suicide on the way home...
Liam appeared at the front door though, just before we reached there, along with Zack and Craig, sad smiles on all of their faces as they came up to us.
They staid?
Liam gave me a pat on the back, before pulling Rosie in for a hug. It didn't bother me that another guy was hugging my girlfriend. It probably would have if this had been another time, but to be honest I couldn't be bothered to hit him and make a remark about getting his own girlfriend.
Besides, him and Rosie have become like really, really good friends and I know she's upset about all of this too, she just doesn't want to upset me even more by crying on me.
So I appreciated that he was there for her, when she had been so strong and been there for me.
I tried to block out her sniffs and whimpers into his chest as he hugged her tightly and rubbed her back, whispering condolences into her ear. Craig slung his arm over my shoulder, noticing that it was hurting me even more now that she was upset and there was nothing I could do about it.
I felt so helpless, I couldn't make my girlfriend feel better, I couldn't made my baby sister better, and I couldn't bring my Dad back.
''Gimme your keys.'' Craig said, holding his hand out.
''What for?'' I asked, confused as I tore my eyes away from Rosie and Liam.
''You can't drive.'' he said in a duh tone.
''Go with Liam and I'll get your car home.''
Smiling slightly, I dug my hand into my pocket and pulled out my keys, dangling them over his hand until his fingers clasped around them and he stuck them into his pocket.
''Thanks.'' I told him.
He shook his head, pulling me back over to Rosie and Liam, and Zack who was standing there awkwardly.
Rosie had stopped crying, and was just holding onto Liam as he held onto her. It was a friendly embrace so I couldn't exactly complain.
I held out my hand to her, and she happily obliged and linked her fingers with mine.
I let Rosie pull me again, over to Liam's sports car and into the back seat as Zack climbed in the front. Apparently they all came in Liam's car, so it worked out okay with Craig driving mine home.
Rosie snuggled her head into my chest and I laid my head on top of hers, closing my eyes and breathing deeply.
Somehow I knew I would get through anything as long as I had Rosie. Losing Sasha was going to be too much to bare, but with Rosie I knew there would be a little bit of light on my rainy days.
And she could wake up.
I just had to keep reminding myself that.
It wasn't the end, I hadn't lost her yet, and damn it I never will. I swear to God I'll do everything fucking possible to make her better, I know it was impossible but I'm sure there was something I could do.
I wouldn't lose Sasha.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, loosing Sasha or Rosie would be the death of me. I couldn't loose either of them, but unfortunately that's exactly what fate was threatening right now.
Rosie's P.O.V
Josh was equally as quiet as he had been all day as we walked into his house, walking tiredly up the stairs. I was so tired, and I couldn't imagine how tired Josh must have been. It was like forty eight hours since Josh slept, and with all the emotional stress he was going through right now? I'm surprised he's lasted as long as he had without passing out.
Craig had driven Josh's car home for him, and left the keys for us. Josh hadn't even noticed them, or maybe he did and just didn't care, so I took them and set them on the shelf inside the door, before following Josh up to his room.
I had called Mom while we were at the hospital and told her everything, and she was so worried about Josh and Sasha. She had offered to get out of work and come down to the hospital but I told her there was no point, and that I would see her whenever.
Josh was doing everything he could to hold it together, I could tell. The way his body took on a defensive stance every time someone went to touch him, or how he either ignored you or snapped at you when you tried to talk to him.
I didn't like to see him like that.
He sat on the edge of his bed, his shoulders stiff, facing away from me as I pulled the hoodie off of my stiff body.
''Josh, are you okay?'' I asked quietly.
It was a pretty dumb question but I didn't know what else to say at this point.
He nodded, not looking at me.
Of for God's sake. He clearly wasn't okay and yet he was still telling me he was?
I sighed.
''Josh, it's okay if-''
''ROSIE I TOLD YOU I WAS FINE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!'' he yelled.
Now, I would have been offended, I would have flinched and I would have been freaking terrified when he yelled at me there...
Had his voice not broken in the middle and a whimper not escaped his lips at the end.
I was completely star struck as I rushed over to him and wrapped my arms around him. I couldn't believe my eyes as he descended into my arms like a baby, afraid, alone, hurt and upset.
It made me want to cry again but I couldn't after I saw the first few tears stream down his cheeks, that were soon followed by more and more until he was properly bawling onto my shoulder, into my neck.
I kissed his head and ran my fingers through his hair soothingly at the same time as holding his shaking shoulders in my arms.
It was surreal to see such a strong, proud boy like Josh crying like this, so broken and scared. But I didn't think any less of him for it. In fact I thought more of him for it.
I knew he hadn't ever cried over his Dad, I knew he bottled it all up. He never grieved like everyone else did, that's why he found this time of year so hard, and with the possibility of loosing Sasha now? It was all just sort of coming out now.
He was gripping me so tightly I almost couldn't breath, but I didn't once complain, even after he had calmed down and he was just breathing shakily and heavily into my neck.
The whole time, all I did was hold him, run my fingers through his thick black hair while telling him wholeheartedly that everything was going to be okay.
Because it had to be.
We were sitting in an awkwardly comfortable position, him almost straddling be but not quite, at the edge of the bed. It was kinda hard to explain, but I didn't mind it in the slightest.
His face was still buried into my neck, and I didn't think much of his warm lips pressing against my skin, until they trailed upwards and he pressed his lips shakily to mine.
I opened my eyes, my eyebrows furrowing as he pushed me onto my back and actually straddled me, not once breaking the slightly sloppy kiss as his hand went from my waist, upwards, upwards.
''Josh.'' I gasped, pushing his chest so that he broke the kiss.
He didn't stop though, just continued his way back down to my neck as his hand changed course and went back down, only to go under my top and go up at an even faster course.
''Josh.'' I groaned, grabbing his hand. ''Not now.'' I told him, shaking my head.
''Please.'' he whispered, giving me such a sad and lost look that it stunned me momentarily.
My fingers loosened on his hand and without thinking I let him go, and his hand moved back up to where he was trying to put it in the first place.
And I let him use me.
This wasn't an act of love or affection, he was simply using sex to take his mind off things, and I happened to be conveniently here for him to do so.
He wasn't soft or gentle like he was the first time. He didn't stop to make sure I was okay. He didn't reassure me that he loved me at every opportunity he could.
He just did what he needed to do and I let him get on with it. Because at the end of the day, it was Josh, and I would do anything for him if it made him feel the slightest bit better.
The only sound was his occasional grunt or moan, and my whimpers of pleasure as I tried to hold them in. I hate to admit it, but it still felt amazing regardless of what it meant or stood for.
It wasn't special, and it wasn't loving, it wasn't meant to be.
When I eventually gave in when I couldn't hold it any longer, Josh came at the same time, burying his face into my neck and moaning quietly.
My body was arched into his as he slumped on top of me, not bothering to keep any weight off of me.
He went to pull out of me, but I whimpered and pulled him back, unable to let him go just yet. He didn't mind, laying back down, still inside me as he caught the last of his breath.
His shoulders began trembling from beneath my fingers, and it only took me a few seconds to catch on that he was crying again, before I held onto him tightly and moved to sit up beside him. I covered us with the blankets as he brought his knees up to his chest and cried, hugging his legs until I positioned myself so that he could hug me, and that's how we spent most of our night.