Khadijah
"You don't know?" Chris repeated. He wasn't loud but his voice was deep and intense. I recognized that tone and I just knew an argument was coming.
"She wanted honesty," I said.
"Then why the fu-" He started yelling but cut himself off. "Then why would you come in the first place?"
"God, I don't know! Everything is messed up," I cried.
Instead of yelling at me more like I expected, Chris just shut up and sat there. His eyes stared outside, not even blinking. I stayed stiff waiting for his reply but I never got one. The only movement in the car was Chris playing with his hands. I didn't notice at first but soon enough I heard a snapping noise coming from him.
"What are you doing?" I questioned, peeking at his arm but he wouldn't let me see. I thought it was a nervous tick he developed or something so I just let it go and the noise stopped after that.
"I want this, Khadijah," Chris spoke on our relationship.
"I kn-" I started but was cut off. "I'm gonna try for us, for you. I started my anger management therapy." He finally looked at me and I could tell he was serious for once.
"How are you feeling?" My voice was gentle, I hoped I was comforting him. At times, he could get so vulnerable and almost childlike.
His shoulders shrugged a little which let me know the therapy hasn't been easy. "I got this."
His right wrist lifted and I finally got the connection as to what the snapping noise was. A standard rubber band was tightly around his wrist. What was truly scary was the blood coming from his wrist and staining the band.
"When I'm mad, I'm supposed to pull it to control myself, I guess," Chris said.
"How long have you had it?"
"3-4 days."
My eyes damn near bulged out my head. His wrist looked terrible. Only 3 days? His anger problems were so much deeper than I had thought. The blood was beginning to drop meaning he was pulling the band much harder than necessary. I got a nearby tissue and began dabbing his wrist.
"Chris, you shouldn't be hurting yourself," I said, quietly.
"It works though. I've been pretty normal today, haven't I?" He mumbled.
"It doesn't matter, Chris. You shouldn't be normal if it means hurting yourself to get that way."
"Better to harm myself than you," He whispered, placing a kiss on my hand.
He was self-harming over me? God, what in the world are we coming to? Someone in this relationship is always getting hurt. For the first few years it was me but the pain had now just transfered over to him. No matter what we did, something about us together was so destructive.
"Chris, you know that's not right to say. Nobody should be getting harmed! You can't keep doing this," I pleaded, keeping my eyes on his wrist. "What about your art? That should be your outlet when you're upset, not some stupid rubber band."
"I'm fine Khadijah," Chris attempted to reassure me. After seeing my still upset face, Chris added, "I swear everything will be just fine."
My heart was hurting and the air in the car was too heavy to continue to have a complete conversation.
"Come back to my place." I demanded more than asked.
With nothing more said, Chris drove back to my apartment. We slowly made our way up to my room. As soon as we got inside, I laid on the bed and motioned for him to follow. Fully clothed, he dropped on top of me, laying his head on my chest. For the next hour, I laid still, rubbing his hair and listening to him snore.
I couldn't sleep, hell I couldn't even close my eyes. His right arm laid loosely on the bed next to my chest. I gently picked his hand making sure not to wake him. I sneaked the nasty rubber hand off him and threw it somewhere across the room. I placed soft, tiny kisses all across his wrist that was now covered in dry blood.
Just like that, I was fully immersed in having a relationship, in making him feel better, just in him in general. He looked so young and innocent, so small and fragile. I wanted him to feel better, to actually be better. I wanted to protect him and love him.
It wasn't that simple, however. Just a tiny bit of me felt guilt, as well. I felt like I was cheating on my morals by doing this. This was Chris doing what he usually does: playing me back into his arms. God, I don't know, I don't know anything right now!
I slid carefully out of the bed making sure not to wake Chris. I slipped the blanket over his body before making my way through the door, immediately to the kitchen. I put a kettle of water on the stove and picked out a yummy blueberry and lavender tea packet.
My mug was perfectly hot and I even left some water in the kettle, incase Chris wanted a cup. Not even a minute later, he emerged from the bedroom, rubbing his face.
"I made blueberry tea, there's some if you want," I said quietly, nodding towards the kettle.
He picked his phone up, scrolling and scrolling through his dozens of notifications. I can't believe it never occurred to me how big his artwork and career had gotten.
"Nah, I gotta go um handle this," He replied and shook his phone slightly.
I wanted to ask but I knew it was none of my business. Chris quickly put his shoes on and grabbed his keys. He walked over and started to bend down to my level. Oh my gosh, is he going to kiss me righ- no, just a kiss on the cheek, not the lips.
"Bye, Dijah," He muttered softly before walking towards the door.
"Wait, Chris!" He didn't turn around but he stopped moving.
"Dr. Lewall has as opening tomorrow at 6 pm. Can you make it?"
"I'll be there."
He left my apartment quickly, leaving his lingering smell. It was 8 pm and it was dark out, making me feel a tad bit lonely already. I sat at the window, drinking my tea and watching the world.
Chris
"Christopher, where are you?" Mama asked, with that annoyed tone she always has.
"What do you need, mama?" I don't know why I even asked, it was obvious.
"We need to talk about what happened! Now, come home. I made Lytrell and Kiana leave so we can talk one on one."
"I'm coming, I'm driving." I hung up without a further response.
I walked out of the corridor of Khadijahs building and went to my car. I felt bad, guilty almost, having that phone call. I know what this specific conversation would be, my mother talking shit about Khadijah and telling me she's not the right one while I try to defend her but get shut down. We've been through this many, many times about other girlfriends I've had. Khadijah was different, she didn't deserve this. For once, I wanted Mama to mind her business and stay out of my relationship.
I drove to my condo, thinking of what to say. She wasn't an easy person to say no to or convince that she's wrong. I'm 24 years old though, enough of being scared of my own mother.
"I called you earlier, why weren't you picking up?" Mama asked as soon as I went through the front door.
"I got caught up with something," I replied, being monotone like she was.
"You were with her, weren't you?" She accused me and her nose shriveled up like she smelt something bad.
"Mama, enough. You not about to sit there and talk shit about her!"
She looked at me like I was crazy and it made me all the more upset.
"She don't deserve to have me talking shit about her? She cheated on for Gods sake, Christopher! How the hell can you go crawling back to her like that," Mama yelled, angrily.
"I cheated on her too! Mama, I hit her when I found out what she did. I even threw her out the apartment in front of these random folks. Trust me, she isn't the only one that fuck-messed up."
She simply waved her hand dismissingly. "That's different, you're a man. Men get temptations all the time and they can't control it. Women shouldn't be actin' fast like that."
Mama was stubborn, even more so then me, and this conversation was going nowhere. I need to just leave. I reached around for my rubber band to keep myself from snapping on my own mother just to find that it's missing. What the fuck? This must've been Khadijah. I need a new one, immediatly. I got off the sofa and started towards the staircase for my bedroom.
"Oh boy, I'm not done," She called after me. "Not only is she unfaithful but you also don't know nothing about her."
"What do you mean, "I don't know nothing about her"?"
"Where is this child's family? She got that one aunt is Chicago but where the hell is her mother and father, hmm?"
"She don't even know, mama! It's not like she's hidin' it from me, she just don't even know, her damn self," I defended Khadijah immediately.
"And what kind of girl don't even wanna meet her parents? A strange one!"
"Or one that don't wanna get hurt by them," I retorted.
"Or one with secrets," Mama instantly said with the shaking of her head.
"Yo, shut the fuck up! You don't know nothing about Khadijah or her family so keep that shit out of your mouth!" I yelled. I didn't even think twice that I just cussed out my own mother, I was just so fed up with hearing her spit on Khadijahs name.
Her cheeks instantly flamed up and her eyes get all big and round. Man, we were about to really go at it. What did I just start?
"Christopher, don't ever fix your goddamn mouth to talk to me like that! I'm trying to help you here! You gettin' played by this little harlot and you don't even know! She's definitely keeping secrets, she already cheated on you, she humiliated you on your birthday, she's probably a golddigger. I mean she's making what 10.25 an hour, minimum wage and using up all your millions! You are just unbelievable," Mama stood there just ranting and raving like she lost her mind.
"Mama, I'm not gon' tell you again. . .stop disrespecting her like that!"
All the sudden, tears were dripping down her face and she started to sob loudly. What in the hell?
"I just don't want you to get hurt, Chrissy! That's all these damn females are gonna do: bring you down and hurt you," she cried.
"Where is this coming from? You loved Khadijah?" I asked, trying to make sense of this whole situation.
"Yeah, I did until she cheated and you got played like a fool during the proposal," Mama said with a tissue all on her face.
"Mama, enough of this shit. I'm forreal. If I can get Khadijah to get back together with me, you just gon have to deal," I said, stubbornly.
She let put a deep, deep sigh. "I need to get out this damn room." She took a few more tissues before making her way out the front door and slamming it.
Great. I'm not good with Khadijah. I'm not good with my mama. My mama not good with Khadijah. I get she's hurt that I got hurt but damn, I didn't think mama would care that much. Shit, she's more upset than me and I'm the one that got rejected! She's wrong 100%, though. I know Khadijahs heart and she has a good one. No, she's not some gold digger. No, she's not keeping some crazy secret about her family from me.
I do wonder if she ever wonders about them. She hasn't ever brought them up since that one time on high school. It doesn't even affect her a tad bit on family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Should I try to find some info? You know what, nah. That's too messy and it's not my business.
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Hi guys! Please don't hate me for this year and a month hiatus. I promise that I won't leave you guys hanging anymore and that hopefully the whole book will be finished before the year ends. I know this chapter wasn't really worth the long wait but it'll get better, just hang with me pls! Other than that, I hope you guys enjoyed.